SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t written out my whole story but I’m in “panic mode” in my mind. 6 months beyond D-Day. Today is our wedding anniversary. I was very weepy today. WH somewhat understanding but wanted me to focus on the good in our marriage instead of acting like today was the worst day ever.

I had a hysterical crying jag where he apologized and then eventually came out with a common phrase, “you’re making this have more meaning and be worse than what it was. You’re acting like it was an actual affair!!! It was just horrible mindless sexting for me. I wasn’t attached and didn’t care about any of these women.”

Long story short: he’s escalated from flirty inappropriateness to full blown daily “sext sessions.” D-Day happened in January when the husband of his main partner called me to tell me. He said he’d asked them to stop texting a year and a half earlier when it wasn’t sexual but borderline inappropriate for colleagues (long distance colleagues). They reconnected last fall and almost immediately started an overtly sexual text relationship. I’d spoken to her and she said the gist of it was a friendship with benefits and she was getting feelings for him but neither ever spoke of or planned of a future.

D-Day 2 was 2 weeks later when through my own research I found out he was sexting 2 other women on an almost same frequency basis and 3 others infrequently. Overall, this has spanned 10 years and the women all said it’s been sporadic on and off for years. All are long distance. Some clients, former classmates or coworkers.

He is not in counseling and will not go. He believes he’s completely cured. I am irate that he is making me feel like I’m still blowing this out of purportion.

He blew up that he feels more awful than I know but he just doesn’t go around wearing it all the time. However, he eventually gets extremely angry and yells if I take the sadness and conversations about it too far.

He went in a store and I’m alone. I wanted some insight. I don’t believe I’m wrong, but can he really have felt nothing? Was it “just” sexual? He says I WANT him to have had full blown affairs so I can justify my vilification of him. Maybe that’s true. I just want him to say and show me he knows how awful this all is. I don’t think he does.

Sexting and an EA is just as damaging and just as much of a betrayal of his wedding vows as a PA. He is spending time and resources into other women when he should be focusing on only you. His actions are cruel and demeaning. I wonder

how he would feel if you had been s3xting and sending nude pics to other men. I can guarantee he would not feel it was harmless!

He is trying to rugsweep and minimize his actions because of his guilt and shame. He has a real problem and is in denial. He is sexting multiple women. Read in the healing library. Is he still sexting? If so you need to read and implement the 180 to detach and heal. It does not sound like he is remorseful for his actions, just embarrassed that he got caught. See an attorney to learn your rights. Tell him he is free to sext as many women as he wants, but not as your H.

I am sure others will give you referrals to more materials on EA’s.

Strength to you moving forward.

Thank you. No sexting since 1/21/18. I’ve had total access to everything. To my knowledge, he’s done doing it and all our stuff is on lockdown. I check bank statements, his phone, his google account, Verizon bills very regularly and the women he sexted are far too terrified of me to continue. So I believe this is over but I’m not stupid. I wish he’d get help because he believes it’s over, I now think he believes it’s less than it is, like you said, minimizing and rugsweeling. The problem is he just wants to go back to “happy couple” again. And I’m still devastated.

Does your H have self confidence issues? Is he dominant in your relationship? Do you two have a vibrant and healthy sex life?

Most normal guys aren't going to be sexting with a woman without the end goal of getting into her pants. If a married guy is sexting multiple women at the same time, he's got issues. What was his reason for doing it? A man having frequent and good sex shouldn't be doing this. It's mind blowing to me.

If he is attending to all of your needs, is not cheating and being a great husband, I'd go along with it, stop bringing it up, and be happy. If you can't be happy, then there's something wrong with your relationship and you need to consider D or getting into marriage counseling. Are you happy?

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 9:42 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]

This has been going on over a 10 yr. period on/off? Do you actually think he’s going to stop doing this? He’s a liar. It will keep escalating until he actually has a physical affair if he hasn’t already. You already said it escalated from flirty stuff to full blown “sex sessions”. There’s a lot more you don’t know about I’m sure. For him to tell you basically get over it, it wasn’t that bad of a thing he did? Wow! This my friend will make you a bat shit crazy woman, trust me, I’ve been there. Almost to the point I needed to be admitted somewhere. He did something so bad during a time in my life when I was so sick I made the decision then to detach, and detach is what I have done, so much that I have no feelings for him, I see life without him. A couple months ago I let everything out of my mouth, since then I have a peace in me. He’s been gone over a week on a trip and I could care less. Am I still with him? For now, I’m working hard, saving money, I need his health insurance, that’s the biggest reason I’m still here. Don’t you dare let him think what he did was not that bad of a thing, you go talk with someone so you can get yourself stronger.

No, you should not let him rugsweep it. An EA with sexting is just as much cheating as a PA. And he has been doing this sporadically for ten years with multiple women! The OBS of the main OW contacted you to make it end! If your WH thinks this is no big deal have him call the OBS of the women he sexts and see if they feel this is no big deal. Obviously one of them thought it was a big deal! This is so disrespectful to you and selfish. Your WH needs to be in IC to see why he is so broken.

And IMHO I think it is the wrong advice to say to a BW, if your WH is attending to your needs, is not cheating and being a great H, go along with it, stop bringing it up, and be happy. That is the definition of rugsweeping IMO. I wonder how many BS’s on here would advise a BH that if your WW is attending to your needs, is not currently cheating, and being a great W, just go along with it and stop bringing up the fact that she has been sexting other men sending overtly sexual texts for ten years, and be happy. The answer is zero.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:34 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]

He can say he does not have issues but that is like a crack addict saying he can put down his pipe. He has been at this behavior for 10 years.

He is deriving some type of pleasure and it is activating some type of neurological chemicals that produce pleasure for him to continue to engage in the behavior. Most likely he is using this in a fantasy scheme or as an aid to orgasm in masturbation or in sex.

He needs to get a handle on this behavior because it is not healthy for the relationship and is cheating. He can call it what he wants, but he is incorrect. The hogwash he is espousing will not play here. We are used to Wayward speak. It is cheating and he is in denial.

He should not sext with anyone other than you. I personally do not think he should sext at all because it is an addiction for him. He is incorrect in his assessment of his behavior. Cheaters lie and deny and that is exactly what he is doing.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:12 AM, August 5th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry you are here.

He has been lying to you and emotionally betraying you for TEN YEARS. This is not a switch he just flips and turns off. However, it's also not something you can will for him to fix. This:

He blew up that he feels more awful than I know but he just doesn’t go around wearing it all the time. However, he eventually gets extremely angry and yells if I take the sadness and conversations about it too far.

Means he does not get it.

You should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. I read it and found it really helped me understand what true healing efforts look like. And validate what I felt I needed to heal.

"It wasn't that bad" is a minimizing approach that helps him feel better. It's likely what he's told himself for the past 10 years. It's likely what he'll continue to tell himself, rather than face himself.

That he threatens to physically consummate an affair - whether directly or indirectly- speaks volumes about his own desire and efforts.

And honestly, 10 years of sexting people he knew and he claims it never went physical? Please get yourself tested for STIs.

Hugs. Please keep reading and writing here. It's the best group of people for the shittiest situation

He believes he’s completely cured.

Because he's still in the house and still married. You stayed right? So what does he have to fear?

You're making this much more than it was, right?

It's ok he did what he did and the fact you're still upset now doesn't matter right?

How many red flags are there?

Yes you have a huge problem, because next time if the opportunity arises it may go past sexting.