SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why do so many people on this site seem to assume BSs are co-dependent ? Is the assumption that co-dependents make easy targets for infidelity and that our WS do it because they can get away with it ?

I don't see widespread assumption of codependency of all BSs on SI. There are definitely posters who, by their own admissions, describe very codependent behavior. And as such, some posters make it a point to address such behaviors. Perhaps because there is an assumption that people who post are seeking advice and insight into their own behavior and how they can improve their situation?

In my case the shoe fits. I am codependent, and he did believe he could do what he wants and I'd sit around waiting for him. I'm going to IC to help me break this cycle. He doesn't know how to react to me now. He's not used to me making demands and sticking to them, but I'm done being his doormat.

It is tough because the Grief process normally displays a codependant type of behaviour. Self blame, negotiation, low self worth etc... (Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing; Melanie Beattie, The New Codependancy)

There is no harm in trying to identify CoD early, because addressing codependant type behaviours seem to focus on improving boundaries, self appreciation, fear and the illusion of control. Something all BS need to reevaluate.

I feel I display a fair amount of codependancy. All the techniques in the codependancy books are applicable to anyone interested in self improvement. If you aren't codependant then you will find it easier to complete the exercises.

Codependents do make easy targets for certain personality types (eg the Human Magnet Syndrome). Many WS think they can get away with it. Not just those married to CoD. They just assume they won't be caught.

I believe if you love your spouse all of us are codependent to a certain extent. How can you not? You just dont want your codependcy to be unhealthy.

He's not used to me making demands and sticking to them, but I'm done being his doormat.

Absolutely if I had not separated from my WS he would still think that I would never be able to leave him. It was a wake-up call for him. Now it's my way or the highway I don't have time for that nonsense anymore!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:09 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)]

I can't speak for the users of this site, but historically infidelity was treated by therapists as a case of co-dependency. Then the thinking shifted to it being more like post-traumatic stress disorder, which has broader acceptance today. Still a lot of older users or users exposed to earlier thinking may still use a co-dependency model.

Co-dependency comes from studies of bad marriages (alcoholism, abuse, etc) but is not included in the psychological bible: the DSM.

The DSM does include dependent personality disorder. The difference here is that co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship between two people (within a marriage for example), whereas DPD is an individual.

A BS may display some traits of DPD but to be truly DPD, they need to rise to the level of being dysfunctional. That is: stable and pervasive in broad areas of the DPD's life, markedly different from a typical person in the same culture, and causing actual impairment for the DPD in every day scenarios.

For most BS, their reaction to the infidelity is exceptional and different from their reactions in other areas of their life.

[This message edited by concordiaburner at 1:17 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)]

I think healthy and loving long term relationships would present some of the features of codependency. The issue is when that behavior becomes excessive or detrimental to the wellbeing of one or both partners.

My guess is that after dday you see a lot of behavior that mimics codependency. The BS "irrationally" turns to WS for support or comfort. The BS does the pick me dance. I suspect this is natural and very common, but it could be detrimental to the BS. Ultimately, the BS has to heal him/herself.

IMO it is worth examining to what extent you are codependent, even if you don't believe it to be a major problem. It may turn out you were wrong, it may lead to insight of another sort, or it may just properly direct the focus onto fixing you.

It seems reasonable given the difficulty to leave a spouse after such pain. It can hinder healing, it can result in rugsweeping, avoidance and other things. As DoIGo said, the shoe fits. That goes for me as well. Once I admitted it, I looked into it, and started changing. I still struggle with the "I'm happy because you're happy" aspect, as by nature I was taught to be self-sacrificial and a people pleaser. I look for validation by making my spouse happy, almost like deep down, I don't deserve to be with her. It's a work in progress and being open to it has helped immensely.

On a side note, people will always throw their thoughts at you, and you need to learn to take what's useful and leave the rest. *Most* are trying to be helpful, even if they happen to be wrong.

I can't speak for the users of this site, but historically infidelity was treated by therapists as a case of co-dependency. Then the thinking shifted to it being more like post-traumatic stress disorder, which has broader acceptance today. Still a lot of older users or users exposed to earlier thinking may still use a co-dependency model.

Didn't the CoD model also put a certain amount of blame on the BS for "causing" the A?