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Am I the only one that feels like this somehow. Like always waiting for the bottom to fall out, when things are good?

I can finally say my husband and I are in reconciliation. I am very happy and feel at ease, and our communication has been very good. I find myself not dwelling on the affair, I feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel like things are going so well, that its only a matter of time before the rug gets pulled out from under me.

I hate thinking this way. I know it takes time, but I think both of us still want to feel "security" and I am impatient for it to come naturally.

I used to. When things are tense or unhappy, painful right after Dday I think we, for lack of better term, get used to it. We get comfortable being miserable, if that makes sense.

Somehow it becomes the new normal and we just can't find our way back to what "easy or happy feels like." IC was good for that. Why can't you let yourself behappy, etc.

I actually wrote out a list once of all the things I have to be happy about. Sometimes it helps other times it makes it worse (what is wrong with me).

There is some evidence to suggest that the bio-chemical changes take a lot longer to adjust.

Have you ever heard fake it until you make it ? Start acting happy and see if things change. What is the worst that can happen ?

Am I the only one that feels like this somehow. Like always waiting for the bottom to fall out, when things are good?

I can finally say my husband and I are in reconciliation. I am very happy and feel at ease, and our communication has been very good. I find myself not dwelling on the affair, I feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel like things are going so well, that its only a matter of time before the rug gets pulled out from under me.

I hate thinking this way. I know it takes time, but I think both of us still want to feel "security" and I am impatient for it to come naturally.

First of all - CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I am sooo happy for you! I would give you a bear hug if you were here. This is wonderful news!

Secondly, yes, yes, yes. I do feel that way sometimes. I do feel this big weight has been lifted though and this has been more recent - probably the last 6 to 8 weeks. I feel in the moment, peaceful, content, and I swear it feels so good after so long of feeling all the other feelings. I feel like a kid feeling excited over little things. I see my husband feeling it too. Not to say we don't still have our days, or I expect it to be all hearts and flowers all the time... but it's like we are young again right now and I love it. We make love everywhere, we hold hands everywhere we go, we can't keep our hands off each other... it's like it was so many years ago.

But, I keep thinking, gosh are we going to hit another phase? Is something else going to happen and I have to go back to feeling all those heavy feelings again? It's not that I am not working on myself, I am just not overwhelmed with it now. We still have hard conversations, but it's like we are doing it from the same team rather than being at odds. I think some of what I read here keeps the fear brewing....like what if he's holding it in, or we are just in a spell between phases. I just put it away though. I don't want to feel awful anymore. I can be remorseful, carry out contrition, and work on myself and still feel joy....and so can you Pink! Just ride the wave. I have decided if it goes bad tomorrow I will worry about that and deal with it tomorrow. Today I am going to smile and feel that warm peace.

I feel that way a lot. Like I’m always preparing and my husband will say that’s a wall I put up. I guess in a way it is but it’s not a wall that I will let interfere in my marriage like it did the first few weeks. I have to prepare because I have to be strong for him when he has a bad day or time. Often times I’ve lost it myself and he’s had to quickly change roles to take care of me and that’s not fair. We are here because of my decision.

Our R has been good so far. We are actually happier than we have ever been. I’m happy for you and hope it stays that way.

Good luck!

OMG yes, I feel this way often. Just a few weeks ago, I felt like we were in a good spot because we weren't fighting. But then one day my wife asked me, "How do you think things are going between us?" and I responded, "Great!". Then she asked, "... and do you want to know how I feel about it?" to which I answered, "Of course". Then she told me that she did not feel it was going well at all.

It is scary as fuck. Honestly, things this past week have been going pretty well (IMO) but then last night I tried to start a conversation about the A (I've been trying to do this more and more consistently) and ended up triggering her, then I triggered and got all defensive, and things went downhill from there quickly.

I guess the real question to ask however is, how will things keep going if you don't allow for some happiness? Or some expectations of conflict? If things are going well then I say, enjoy the peace while you can, but remember what actions and hard work brought you to this point, and don't ignore them. Even though our conversation last night was intense, I do feel better after having talked through things a bit. I always do, and she usually does too.

Good luck

I think this is what Brené Brown refers to as "forboding joy" and it's a shield against vulnerability. We usually think of "joy" as being just all warm and yummy but the truth is it makes us vulnerable to exactly what you're describing: the pain we might experience if what we perceive as the source of our joy ends or changes.

That feeling of uncertainty and "groundlessness" that goes with the knowledge that everything is always changing brings an edgy, restless feeling. The teachings of Pema Chodron talk a lot about this. According to her, our work is to learn to be comfortable with this essential "groundlessness" that underpins all human experience. A mindfulness practice with daily meditation as its cornerstone is a way to pursue that work.

I'm really glad you are doing well. You've come a long way, pinkpggy. Don't be afraid to lean into your joy just like you're learning to lean into the difficult stuff when it comes around.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Pinkpggy,

I have felt that way almost all the time for most of my life. It's part of the cPTSD I got from my FOO.

I hope that you learn to deal with it better than I have.

Things are just so different now than they were pre-affair. Pre-affair our marriage was going down hill fast, well it was at the bottom of hill.

Last night my husband had to study for a certification he is getting. Pre-affair I would have said, good luck, and gone to bed in my own room alone while he went and shut himself away and studied, then went to bed in the guest room.

Last night I told him why don't I go up to bed and he can study in bed while I snuggle him so he doesn't have to be alone. He was very happy about that idea because he was dreading studying. I got the bed all ready, set a reading light up and we spent the time together (which led to more special time together ;-).

While I am not happy the affair happened, I am happy at the changes we have made to make each other a priority.

I don't have to fake being happy, I am happy. I just have to learn to accept it and not ruin it by worrying about the what if's.

While I am not happy the affair happened, I am happy at the changes we have made to make each other a priority.

I don't have to fake being happy, I am happy. I just have to learn to accept it and not ruin it by worrying about the what if's.

Perfectly stated pink and I completely agree. I have never been this happy and I need to stop waiting for it to change. I hate the affair happened but my God did it teach us that we are both flawed, we have inner demons that need help from each other, we will not be "forever" if we don't work at it every day and even on our worst days, I choose him every damn time.

if we don't work at it every day and even on our worst days, I choose him every damn time.

But that's the thing. You didn't chose him every damn time. There was a period where you actively chose someone else. I did too. You made the decision every day to chose another man over your husband. This is something that needs to stay in your head for a while. Why did you chose another man? What lead you there, what inside of you made that choice ok?

I still struggle with the choices I made. I am not confident enough to say that I chose my husband every time. I am working on that.

I didn't see a stop sign so..

As a BS, when I read the title I thought, "I feel like this every day". Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what horrible discovery is waiting for me around the corner like a monster in a movie...

I have to actively work to overcome it. I have to choose everyday to not be afraid to be happy. However, the TT I've had has given me PTSD so I am always actively looking for "threats". I wait and long for the day when I'm not afraid to be happy again.

Our pre-A and during-A marriage is similar to what you describe...we were living together but very much alone. I would reach out for about a year (dark time was 4 years) but then I just gave up and figured he was in depression and I had to live my life without him (so to speak).

But now, 18 months after Dday, we are very much present in each others lives, Mr. Kaygem actively seeks me out at night and never lets more than an hour go by without a text, phone call or hug (if he's home). We snuggle in bed now when before we barely acknowledged each other at bedtime and often slept apart. We are very connected and close...in spite of my still present pain and suffering.

Just last night, as I was getting into bed, I had wave after wave of BS fear that there was something sinister waiting for me in the near future. It's such a horrible feeling...when you are the BS it's like you know that you will never 100% truly KNOW if you have all the TT or info. you need to heal (even if there was a poly). But I laid in bed, wondering in the dark if there was any other OW that I didn't know about, if some OW was going to pop up someday with a message or a text. I know this is extremely unlikely, given the nature of Mr. Kaygems adultery style (ONS's 4 total strangers over a 4 year period and no continued contact) but yet I replay and replay those painful chats I saw between him and the unknown Other women and I think...was there more? Is there one that was extra special that he was lying about? This happens to me now about once a week until I take a sleeping pill to knock myself out and stop my brain from whirling, all the while he is peacefully sleeping next to me, oblivious to my night time pain.

And yet, all this with a, what I would consider, a successful R in process. The shock, the pain and the suffering give you a wariness of happiness. It's like I want to be prepared for more pain so that it won't hurt so much when it happens again ( ).

But that is no way to live, I know that. I seek peace, I try to walk through the pain and fear and just keep going because I do want a successful R. I have loved my fWH since high school, he is such a huge part of my life. I want to put fear and trepidation away and not worry about what tomorrow brings. But it is oh so difficult after the raging trauma of infidelity.

I was interested to read your post as a WS (most of your posts interest me very much) and I didn't think of a WS feeling this way. It gave me a needed new perspective as I am in the beginning stages of wanting to feel empathy and compassion for my fWH again. Thank you

I don't think it will ever come naturally for me I think it's something I have to work at. It gets easier the more I do it though. I find I get uneasy when things are going well but I recognize that it's just unfamiliar that's all. No need to for me to create drama where there is none. I have to take pills for this which suck. I'm hoping one day I'll learn how to do this without the anti anxiety meds but for now I need them.

pinkpggy-the statement is lessons learned and what I’m doing at the present. I NOW choose him every time. I didn’t during that 5 months and honestly didn’t during our whole 27 years at times. That’s not what it was in reference to.

Hi pinkpiggy, BS here. Let me say thank you first of all. Your candor and humility has really been a barometer to measure my WW behavior after the A. In fact, your "What have I done" post (about 10 months ago) was the first post that moved me to tears...In fact it sounded so similar to my WW line of thoughts that I thought it was her post. Seriously. I sent it to my WW.

I think my WW does something like this that really turns me off. If not "off", then it hurts like hell.

When I'm NOT perceived to be triggered or in pain, she will become her old self. Laughing and smiling, joking with family. Gregarious and funny.

Now, let's get something straight...I'M ALWAYS IN PAIN.

I have a pit in my stomach and lump in my throat all day. We are almost a year out. I can't sleep. I'm naseaous. I still cry alone often.

I do believe my WW is suffering as well...just not in the same way. She hurts knowing that she crushed the soul of someone who loved her more than anyone before. But this constant knowledge of hurting me might of got to her, in an emotional sense. When she would laugh loud at a funny movie or a joke said by someone in the family, I think she was just letting herself experience some joy for a moment. Letting off steam. And, that's actually a good thing. But, as a BS I can tell you without any hyperbole or exagerrations, that our pain is demonstrably more intense than the WS. Especially if an A was discovered (not disclosed) or if the A happened in what was perceived to be a strong, happy, marriage. My pain is a bit more intense as I have been cheated on before by an ex...My WW promised to "NEVER" do that to me when we first got together. I had a presumption of safety. [NOT DISCOUNTING OR MARGINALIZING YOUR OWN PAIN] Just expressing the turmoil that a BS feels....you know all this, you've been here on SI long enough.

Anyway, when my WW expresses some sort of joy when I'm around...it hurts. It makes me feel like she doesn't understand the pain I have.

Think of it this way: It feels like someone is laughing at a funeral. Although it may be needed, it certainly will offend the bereaved. I sometimes feel like when she laughs or smiles too much she becomes even more vulgar than I have viewed her after discovery. It's like she doesn't understand the incredibly electric anguish I have to face everyday.

Sorry, I truly didn't mean to bring you down, just a BH opinion. I actually envy your husband. It sounds like you're a quick study and you're working really hard to make him safe as you seek forgiveness.

Thanks for posting...

In fact, your "What have I done" post (about 10 months ago) was the first post that moved me to tears...In fact it sounded so similar to my WW line of thoughts that I thought it was her post.

I don't even remember that post! I have absolutely no recollection of what I could have written, but thank you! I probably would get depressed if I read it now.

I think my BH wants to see me happy, he wants to see me laughing and smiling(just like I want to see him doing the same). I think we are at a point now where life has mostly returned to normal, we can still talk about the affair daily, he will mention things and we discuss it, but it isn't pain and suffering day in and day out. At some point you have to make the choice to move forward, not forget, not forget but take steps to heal and look at the future. I think it helps our relationship prior to the A was not good, and now it has improved. I'm cautiously optimistic. We still have our bad days and issues that still need resolving, but I for sure don't have that weight on my shoulders every day, which has been nice!