SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just recently found out that my wife of 17 years had an affair with someone that was a mutual friend 9 years ago. She said it lasted 2 months and that that was the only affair. I feel like our marriage since then has been a lie. The guy has talked to me and acted like a friend since the affair happened. My world has been crushed.

Hey buddy would help if you could give us a background to your relationship with your wife, and then more of a detailed version of what happened how it developed. And why did the affair come out and why did she tell you.?

I've always thought our relationship was good. We met in high school married at 21. The affair happened in what she called a rough time in our marriage. She said she can't remember why it developed, and she told me she doesn't like talking about it. It came out because just recently we started wife/husband swapping with another couple. Her and her friend are the ones that wanted to do it. I was reluctant to do this but she kept asking so I agreed. We were having an argument about feelings for the other couple that we've developed. This is what brought out that she had an affair.

Bail on the swinging asap. That's not coming from a prude, im no angel. It is coming from the perspective of a person that has never seen an open relationship survive that was not 100% stable, 100% honest and about 50% detached.. just being straight with you. One problem at a time. The affair takes priority over all else first. Fair warning, chances are play time will most likely never be an option again.

From what little you have posted I can tell that your wife has piss poor boundaries and worse choices for friends. With the swapping thing you're just trading one problem for more problems. How is any of this going to help your marriage? Do you have kids?

Stop the open marriage. It never fixes anything,

except to create more problems.

Time to end the trickle truth and schedule a poly

graph test for your WW so you get the whole truth.

Also time to expose the affair to the OMW or his

GF.

so you are pissed that your wife touched another man 9 years ago but you are ok with her touching another man right now ?

Your boundaries are almost as bad as hers.

Listen to Oldtruck

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Currently, you agreed to the wife swapping. She received exactly what she wanted...your permission to cheat.

Her affair nine years ago may not be her first, cheaters lie and deny, personally I would investigate further, phone records, scan your computer for email accounts, social media, etc. I'd also insist on a polygraph.

End this open relationship. It has created layers upon layers of new issues in your marriage.

Find a good counselor for yourself and figure out what YOU want.

Currently, you agreed to the wife swapping. She received exactly what she wanted...your permission to cheat.

Her affair nine years ago may not be her first, cheaters lie and deny,

This was my thinking as well.

Do you have kids? If so, you might want to think about DNA testing.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:23 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

Hey Coop, welcome. I'm glad that you found us! Not glad that you have the reason to be here, but glad that you DID find us.

Her and her friend are the ones that wanted to do it. I was reluctant to do this but she kept asking so I agreed. We were having an argument about feelings for the other couple that we've developed.

It really sounds like, your WW (Wayward Wife, one who cheats) and the other couple (or at least the husband OM (Other Man, the person your WW had sex with) ) conspired together, to find a way to continue to have sex. They drew you in, under false pretenses, so she could continue her affair. And probably so that she could use the fact that you engaged in sex as well, as a justification to herself that since you're now "participating," it means that what she did wasn't so bad.

I hope that you know that the above reasoning is complete and utter bullshit.

The fact is that your WW betrayed you. She lied to you. And she used you. Listen, the premise that absolutely MUST be followed, to be able to have more than one partner, is that everything HAS to be utterly honest rules must be established and followed by everyone. All partners have to be utterly truthful with each other and nothing must be hidden. Because opening your marriage to someone(s) else, is risky business emotionally and physically. I personally have only know two "couples" who have managed to do this without harming or killing their marriages. Two couples over 60 years. That's not good odds at all. Non-existent, really.

So first, you really need to cut all ties with this other couple, and your WW needs to do the same. And I mean all ties, they need to become as dead to you. Sex outside of marriage needs to be taken right off of the table for as long as you continue in this marriage. Speaking of which, that's a big question for you right now. Is this marriage worth continuing? You don't have to answer this question now, but you need to consider it, and keep it in the front of your mind.

First, please read The Healing Library. Look at the upper left corner of the Forums page, where there is a yellow box, and click on the link. Lots of good information written by experienced people. Knowledge is power, so please start reading. Next take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Infidelity is like being run over by a bus. You're left lying on the street, with multiple broken bones and lacerations, bleeding out, in shock, and knowing that the pain is going to get worse. All of which is true. I strongly suggest that you schedule an appointment with your doctor and have a complete STD/HIV series of tests, including the follow on tests in a few months. Your WW has exposed you to every person that those other people have slept with and, even if condoms were used, you can get diseases passed orally, etc. Gross, I know, but there it is. Your WW needs to do the exact same thing and you need to see the results sent to you directly from the doctor's office because waywards lie, your WW included. This is too important for your health for you to trust her shaky word. Please don't touch her at all until you get those results.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

She suggested you guys sleep with other people. What a shocker.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:35 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

We do have 2 kids. 15 and 12 yearolds. They've got to be mine. Truthfully I don't know if I would want to know if they weren't. I did ask her if she ever got tested for a STD and she got upset that I asked. What the hell!!! She said I said that to her to make her feel bad.

Who is developing feelings for whom? Because that seems like the more immediate problem than the affair from 9 years ago — not that it shouldn’t also be addressed.

I like the other woman but I could quit without problem. She has said it would be tough for her to quit.

Yeah you should deal with the current wound before you go picking at scabs. Not to say that the original affair isn’t a huge problem — based on your account it sounds like that precipitated her pushing you into the current arrangement. I would strongly advise you guys close off the marriage to other people indefinitely, and work on why she thinks it’s ok to have such loose boundaries, and why you are allowing them. I also have to wonder what the intention of the other parties is, and why your wife spilled the beans about the old affair — like whether that has any bearing on her justification or rationale for the current situation.

My biggest worry is that your 'newfound' lifestyle is going to spill over to your kids. Before you say that they don't know... realize that children can be very perceptive to mommy and daddy not getting along, etc. What are you trying to teach your children? I see a big sh*tstorm heading your way if you don't start showing a little strength. You need to be a leader... not a follower.

"I like the other woman but I could quit without problem. She has said it would be tough for her to quit."

So your WW is admitting deep feelings for OM that she finds it very hard to quit, to me that means she's had these feelings for a long time and both of them came up with this swinging arrangement to continue having sex without having to hide it much.

You need to man up and put your foot down, tell her you're closing the M and that she needs to send a NC FOREVER letter to OM, that you would do the same with OW, since your WW admitted to the A long before you were pursued to open the M, she would need to give you access to all her electronic devices and passwords and yes both of you need to get tested for STD's, since she cheated consult an attorney and have her sign a Postnup agreement with an infidelity clause in your favor, if she cheats again, she forfeits alimony and you get most of the assets if you divorce her due to a future infidelity, if she refuses to any of this, file for D (you can stop it at any time if she comes around and ends her A and accepts all the conditions to R).

Remember if your WW refuses NC FOREVER witn OM, there's absolutely no chance of R and you need to file for D unless you accept to become a cuckold and live in an open M against your will.

I'd bet she was cheating with the hubby for quite a while before she coerced you into swinging. That's why she's so reluctant to end it. She has a relationship going with him. Your wife is a serial cheater. Cheating and lying are her character traits. You have to decide if you can stay with a person like that. I doubt she'll change. If you put up a boundary of no more swinging then she'll just go back to cheating.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 5:54 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]