SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please think carefully.

Even if she says she now loves you, whether you believe it or not, do you really want to be with the person that did this to you for the rest of your life?

Now is a great opportunity not to be.

If she had spent a fraction of the energy into repairing your marriage as she did in chasing him in the affair then you might not be where you are now despite all your admitted faults.

She said she was living in a dream world with no connection to reality. Her therapist asked her what she wanted out of the A and she said sex - no real thought for the future (cake eating)

She "loved" him because the A was thrilling, and the sex was good. Apparently he treated her like a booty call option throughout the A and never reciprocated any emotional advances. She said that she would sometimes get a hotel room so they could fuck and he would never show (busy with other girls)

These two paragraphs contradict each other. She didn't love him, she did love him.

Sounds like she wanted more from him (love) than he wanted from her (booty call).

Have you decided what you want your marriage to look like?

From DD3 thread;

Finally, she revealed that when her A with the OM that I knew about started going south she had a drunken one night stand with a different guy. I have known about the 2nd guy's involvement for a while through phone monitoring but never had any knowledge of how far it went.

Hadn’t seen this addressed so here goes. If she was communicating with OM2 then it was not a ONS, it is A#2. Sorry.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 5:48 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

That's exactly what I said, she had an A with OM2 not an ONS, maybe she only had sex once with OM2 which is possible (not likely) but that's a very different thing.

That's exactly what I said, she had an A with OM2 not an ONS, maybe she only had sex once with OM2 which is possible (not likely) but that's a very different thing.

I was already in surveillance mode when OM2 appeared. I actually have a day by day accounting of their contact and communications with each other. In fact, I thought he was the one my PI would catch her with.

There was only one non-surveillance night where they had an opportunity for sex (and they did). I am not sure if there was an EA building, but OM2 is on NC status now.

How did it go last night with the questions?

Is your wife still bowling without you?

How did it go last night with the questions?

The emotional tsunami finally hit me last night. I was reviewing the terms for reconciliation with her and I just started bawling; she immediately began crying as well. It was very real, and I am now comfortable that she really does love me and wants to try to fix things.

She did not object to (or even complain about) any of my requests, and even made helpful suggestions out of the blue. For example, we were talking about getting rid of items from the OM when she suggested getting rid of her old bowling team's shirt since it might trigger me.

I am cautiously optimistic at this point but there is still a lot of work to be done for both of us to even really start this process. I have decided that I am not going to file for D at this time since I am seeing real effort and compliance in all areas.

Is your wife still bowling without you?

No, we are in a league together now.

Be vigilant, maintain your boundaries, take care of you, work through the emotional trauma, keep on, keepin on.

Did you ask her about OM2 ? how did she allow herself to just have sex with someone she doesn't love (ONS) (she at least has/had feelings for OM1)? or was it an overlapping EA with just one sexual encounter ?

Did you ask her about OM2? how did she allow herself to just have sex with someone she doesn't love (ONS) (she at least has/had feelings for OM1)?

It was a true ONS while drunk. She was mad at OM1 and was seeking revenge sex.

or was it an overlapping EA with just one sexual encounter?

No EA, just sex.

It was a true ONS while drunk. She was mad at OM1 and was seeking revenge sex

Wow So she had a revenge A on her AP, do you see how you're not even in the picture here ? what were you at that point "Plan C" ?, by the way I think she probably would have had sex with OM2 even without being drunk, they always know what they're doing even when drunk, see most people know right from wrong and they just don't go and rob a bank after getting drunk, what was she talking about with OM2 during their multiple conversations before and after the ONS?, also ask her if she was just giving "duty sex" to you at the time and why was she so careless about putting her and your health at risk with potential life threatening STDs, plus why is she allowed to go out and get drunk without you? evidently she's got very loose or no boundaries at all, just in case add NO GNO's or girls only trips to your list of things she won't be allowed to do in the event you eventually decide to give her the gift of R.

Have you found a place for a polygraph test yet, I think you need to push this, she's demonstrated that she's capable of cheating and lying very easy and there could be more OMs in the past (or close calls, flirting, etc.), hopefully not but it would not be the first case we see here in SI nor would it be the last.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:04 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]

do you see how you're not even in the picture here?

Yes, I was not a part of her world while the A was going on. That is why she got so mad at me all the time while I was enacting positive change in my life; if she acknowledged those changes her fantasy world would fall apart.

It is all shattered glass now, and she is really reflecting on why she made these choices in the first place.

by the way I think she probably would have had sex with OM2 even without being drunk

She acknowledged that this is true. Being drunk just made it easier for her to make it happen.

what was she talking about with OM2 during their multiple conversations before and after the ONS?

Beforehand she was just trying to warm up to him, laying the groundwork for sex. Afterwards she was trying to keep his interest (without success). Apparently OM2 has a conscience and kept telling her that the ONS was "nasty" and that he usually has normal relationships.

also ask her if she was just giving "duty sex" to you at the time and why was she so careless about putting her and your health at risk with potential life threatening STDs

She admits that ours was unemotional, duty sex but that actually describes our entire marriage due to my previous emotional damage/condition.

When I asked her why she didn't use protection she said that she was convinced by OM1 that he was clean. Additionally, the use of protection detracted from the fantasy element of the A.

why is she allowed to go out and get drunk without you?

Essentially, I let her do whatever she wanted for our entire marriage since I didn't give a fuck about anything. That has changed now, but the fact remains.

evidently she's got very loose or no boundaries at all, just in case add NO GNO's or girls only trips to your list of things she won't be allowed to do in the event you eventually decide to give her the gift of R.

She has agreed that I am the approval authority on all of her activities going forward.

Have you found a place for a polygraph test yet, I think you need to push this, she's demonstrated that she's capable of cheating and lying very easy and there could be more OMs in the past (or close calls, flirting, etc.), hopefully not but it would not be the first case we see here in SI nor would it be the last.

I found a couple of places within a couple hours travel online. I need to contact local PD to see if there are local options. She has agreed to finish her timeline by Wednesday this week. We also need to get the NC letters sent out.

This weekend was ok overall. I let her sleep in the bed since I didn't want our kids to get freaked out (they usually wake up first on the weekend). We talked a lot about details and got rid of all her clothing, underwear and memorabilia associated with the A. I need to keep the pressure up on the documentation and prep for the poly.

Beforehand she was just trying to warm up to him, laying the groundwork for sex. Afterwards she was trying to keep his interest (without success). Apparently OM2 has a conscience and kept telling her that the ONS was "nasty" and that he usually has normal relationships.

So in essence she was trying to have another A with OM2 and it just remained an ONS because OM2 "has a conscience" and dumped her, I'd be interested to see her reaction to this, I think she was willing to have two As simultaneously (if OM1 would have taken her back she would have happily agreed), serial cheater ?. You seem to be doing a better job at handling the situation and setting up your expectations and lifestyle changes, keep pressing her, follow through with the poly.

So in essence she was trying to have another A with OM2 and it just remained an ONS because OM2 "has a conscience" and dumped her, I'd be interested to see her reaction to this, I think she was willing to have two As simultaneously (if OM1 would have taken her back she would have happily agreed), serial cheater ?.

That's a hard one to take. It does make one wonder about any past activities but hopefully there were none.

She must take that Poly in the circumstances.