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Oh Ripped how could you, you’ve taken away all those tasty kibbles she was getting, by being so in control of your life and finding your voice.

I hope she does sort herself out but she has to want to and it sounds like she still wants to blame everything and everyone for her own downfall.

As betrayed I often wonder if staying with these cheaters just continues to enable them to cheat. They don’t ever have the push and drive to sort their problems out because a betrayed stays. Maybe in the long term divorce is not only better for us, but also is the wake up call they need. But then my real life experience of this has just found that betrayed get tougher wiser stronger and more amazing and the cheater just becomes more disordered and unstable.

And that will happen for you, you’ll be stronger, tougher, wiser and more compassionate as a result of this.

One other thing... my friends would NEVER hit on my STBXWH husband, whatever the reason for divorce. I have a wonderful group of friends who I value and who value me and who importantly share my outlook and moral belief systems in life. Your stbxww friend’s behaviour is saying an awful lot about who she is IMHO!

We’ll continue to heal together and go through our good and bad days, as just like you I know this isn’t a straight road!

Onwards and upwards Ripped ((()))

Lawyerman your comments are dead on about acting in a fashion as if the judge were beside you. This should be posted as sticky note in this forum or placed in the healing library under the divorce section.

It seems obvious but many do not.

Perhaps in a no fault state where assets will not be impacted or child custody issues created it may not be germane but you need to know the bias of the court or judge. I know they are suppose to be unbiased but a judge I know personally was abandoned by his wayward wife and he was left with two special needs children to care for. He shows no mercy for a wayward spouse and will grant whatever he can to the betrayed spouse even though he has been censored once.

As an aside, I used would I do this in front of my children and God as my guide. I will say it is very difficult when dealing with a wayward spouse and many times I failed to live up to my standards when deeply emotional or trying to protect myself and the long term interests of my children.

Zamboni,

You are correct. It has been difficult but people change overtime and many times it is not for the best. You have to accept who and what they are.

I have realized in my heart I am so much better off without her and I would never be happy in a relationship with her. The only love I have now is for what I had in the past and the person she was then. She is no longer someone I can love or care to be with.

I find the rewriting of marital history very offensive. This in my opinion reflects how flawed a wayward spouse is regarding their inability to face the truth about who and what they are. They act in despicable ways to avoid facing their immorality.

Rather than admit to what they are and what they have done. Wayward spouses like my wife do not make changes in themselves to restore their character too reflect truth, honesty, and integrity, they attempt to make the past into a perversion of what it is to hide their deplorable nature.

No one wants to be the coward that destroyed someone they were suppose to love by betrayal because of selfishness, stupidity and complete arrogance. That is to much for individuals of weak character to face.

Fortunately I am in a no fault jurisdiction but it does concern me that some of my rages since Dday may be used against me in some way. I have not hurt anyone at all and even moved out myself as I feared our arguing was harming the kids.

But as time has moved on, I try to stick more and more to that motto.

I too came to the realisation that I would never be happy with her again, ever. I think the problem is that we get so attached and often mistake that for love. I realised that I was completely co-dependant on her and hated myself for it. That is going to take a while to fix and I still have some very down days. Mornings seem worse for me. By afternoon I cheer up and anything seems possible.

Dragonfly123,

She is not getting kibbles from me. I feel I have handed her back the sh*t sandwich.

Thanks for noticing that I have found my voice and and have taken back control of my life. For awhile recovery was very difficult and I could not discern what was real and what was fake. (I hope this makes sense.)

I do not think she will sort herself out anytime soon. You are correct in that she wants to blame everything but herself for her actions and downward spiral.

She told me yesterday during a break in the proceedings that I had lied. It should be pointed out that I had not spoken at the proceeding at this point. I simply told her that I was sorry she felt that way. Since I have not had contact with her in over 7 months (I do not count legal proceedings) if she would tell me what it was about I would immediately rectify it. She said nothing. She was merely projecting her behavior regarding the inability to tell the truth on to me. The mental gymnastics she engages in are quite amazing. The legal proceedings are recorded. There is no reason for me to not tell the true....I am an open book. Everything involving her is well documented or recorded by me to thwart such accusations. It is very sad what she has become.

I think you are correct regarding enabling her to cheat and not holding my wife accountable. I had her on such a pedestal I did not think she was capable of such behavior. She never worried about anything other than her selfish immediate needs. I do not know if divorce will force her to face reality.

Perhaps she has regret or wishes to return to a "higher plane of being" at some point. She tells me there is no way I could ever take her back or would want her again. She has asked me why I would ever be in a relationship with her. I do not respond because I feel it is manipulation. My adult children says she laments what she has done. This is the problem I have because I do not know the truth when dealing with someone that is so adept at lying and betrayal. I hope she is able to return to the person she once was but I do not know if it is possible. This could be who she is and when times became more difficult her true character revealed itself.

You are correct about the change that a betrayed spouse undergoes. I have changed profoundly. I am still a work in progress. I am very different from who I was approximately two years ago.

Your "friends" comment is spot on. This is one of the things that caused me to start my investigation. Individuals she used to have nothing to do with because of their lack of morals she now associates with. Other friends she had have shunned her because they do not wish to be associated with wayward behavior or feel she has behaved so inappropriately they want no part of it. These friends do not have sympathy for her because of the morals and values she espoused in the past that are contrary to her actions. They also do not mesh with those she associates with now. The two groups are intolerant or each other.

Thanks for being with me on my journey and in my efforts to heal. Your kind words and insight mean so much to me. I think this is the beauty of SI.

(((Dragonfly123)))

The strange and amazing behavior of my wayward wife continues.

My wayward wife wanted no more of formal legal proceedings and wished to negotiate from the nearly two year old settlement offer.

The negotiations had concluded for the day.

My wayward wife told me, "she never wanted to see me again, she never wanted to speak to me, and she wanted never to hear from me once the divorce is over!"

I told her she had my full support in this endeavor and I would do everything in my power to see that it happens.

My lawyer nearly lost it and asked why she did not sign the damn paper work 2 years ago or respond to the modifications that my wayward wife requested if that is how she felt.

Even her attorney seemed baffled and irritated. She told her to stop with the harmful rhetoric.

My attorney then told me in her office if we get bogged down or I wished to return to formal proceedings she would welcome it. She would like to question my wife further in a public forum, the paramour, and her so called friends. She feels the judge would be less generous than I am.

I wish to avoid such a spectacle for my adult children. I do not wish to harm them. I do not wish to hurt my wayward wife. Her attorney told me she could not hold up to it. I also see no reason to add to the drama.

I hope soon I will be able to get my wayward wife out of my home. I will be able to get my mother in law out of property I own. I also will be free of paying wayward wife and company's monthly living expenses.

I wonder given the amount of time I have not had contact with my wayward wife why she thought I would wish to speak or socialize with her after divorce?

I will have no problem with no contact. I do not feel an emotional connection anymore nor do I need to interact with my wayward wife.

Perhaps she still feels so special and entitled there is no way I would not long to be with her. This is idiocy.

Maybe she hates me. Who cares.

I cannot wait for the drama to be over and to be able to say, "Not my monkey, not my circus."

She doesn't hate you. She hates herself.

She delayed and stalled everything to piss you off ... she is doing all of her antics to piss you off ... but I am sure you know this.

Now she wants to settle? You must be livid.

It's amazing to me when waywards don't have the decency to move forward in a respectful manner ... It's like they forget who the perpetrator is ....

And the whole "l'm going to take you to the cleaners after I have ripped your heart out, BUT let's be friends and hang out after we get this all settled."

Good luck with all of this Ripped. I hope you can get this all behind as soon as possible.

[This message edited by Zamboni at 12:10 PM, October 5th (Friday)]