SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Second post. I'll simplify. I just need some advice as to how to get over the fact that another man had sex, kissed and saw my beautiful wife naked. I can't stomach it and touching her now is difficult. I hide it but it doesn't feel good to hug or kiss her. Intimacy with her is very mechanical for me and I have to concentrate really hard to keep the disgusting thoughts out of my mind in order to be able to even do it. I hate it. That was the most precious and special thing in my life. Anybody have experience with recovering from the thought of another touching their spouse?

That is a tough one .

In difficult times it is always best to look at facts.

Your wife had sex with another man.

Nothing you think or do, will ever undo this.

Your wife, like any other human being is a sexual being , she is not a perfect princess but someone full of lust.

She made a very wrong choice, she made a big selfish mistake.

Can you love and desire her despite of that?

If you can’t , then you have to move on

If you can, then there is a healing process in front of you, which isn’t easy.

Take your time making that decision .

I too would like to hear some things that helped any BS with this.

I've seen people mention EMDR, I've read some just go to a happier place in their mind when the thought pops up or think about what is on their daily agenda...

I'm unable to do this because I'm still raging & crushed at the same time about my WH doing sexual things with anyone but me.

I am only 6 months out.

Sorry if my response sounded so harsh ; it’s a reflection of thinking which helped me, but that’s not true for everyone.

To the OP - maybe it’s better not to have sex or think about sex with your wife for a while. Give it time until you are a bit clearer in your mind overall.

I didn’t want to have sex with my wife at all and so far we only had non sexual touching , such as holding hands. I found that helpful ; I think sex can be confusing if you are still healing.

6 months out and still having the feeling of disgust? Again, maybe sex is still too much. Communicate and take it slowly .

But I do think that once you realise that humans are full of mistakes and flaws and that we can live and desire our partner despite what happens , things will become better.

I went a whole year without having sex with my wife. I didn’t really have mind movies or anything. I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I wanted her to beg me for sex, just because it felt good to turn her down. I think a year was way too long, and it didn’t really help anything. But I agree that maybe you should just not think about having sex with her for awhile.

I guess I don’t really get too worried about another man seeing my wife naked, etc. She had a boyfriend in HS/college before me who also saw her naked and experienced her sexually. I never really pictured the 2 of them having sex, and I guess I’m the same way with wife and her AP.

Right now, I am with Atg100, it will be a matter of you figuring out what you can live with. That's where I am now.

I am currently in IC, and my therapist told me to give myself the gift of time. I do not have to make any decisions at all right now and it seems that may be where you are at??

One thing WH and I have decided--because it was too confusing while trying to heal--is no more sex. It puts you in a "high" and it's a false sense of what is really happening at the moment, you end up living in a fantasy world...

I was also feeling like I was not being given the opportunity to actually have my feelings validated. It also threw my WH into a false sense of reconciliation, because I definitely was not there yet, I just wanted to feel wanted and have that intimacy back and to be brutally honest, I think I was searching for the life we had (or at least thought I had) just days before Dday....

If intimacy is mechanical and you're not feeling it, don't do it. If you are not sharing your feelings about this with her, she could be assuming that things are better than they really are and that is definitely not fair to YOU. You need to have the chance to really express your emotions and get her to understand the trauma that she has caused. Let her know that you are not withholding sex to be vindictive, that you need more time.

One other thing that we are trying, currently, is if WH wants a kiss, he can go for it or ask for it, but if I say, "no," then that's it. We agreed that I can't feel guilty about telling him no and he can't feel angry about it. WH, I think, is finally realizing how long this is actually going to take. I say that, not as if we are reconciling, but as to actually figuring out what I can live with. I might just throw in the towel in a year, who knows.

If she really wants you and the M, she will understand and do everything in her power to help you heal. She will take everything that you say to her to heart and work her ass for you and to restore the intimacy and have that special oneness between you two again.

Do not expect anything less. Don't be afraid to share with her exactly what you shared with us. If she can't handle it, then she needs a reality check and she still has a lot of work to do on herself.

First, recovering from being betrayed is a long term proposition - think 2-5 years.

I didn't deal with disgust until well into the 2nd year after d-day. This is not a marine mission with defined objectives, start and stop dates, specified resources, etc. R has too many unknowns to make it anything but an exploration, with the hope that you get to where you want to go.

2-5 years. Not 2-5 months. Yeah, it sucks.

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When I dealt with disgust, my sense was that my disgust was actually anger, so I used standard anger release tactics. That worked.

Disgust, however, can be a basic human affect (look up Sylvan Tomkins). If you feel that type of disgust, I have no advice; I just don't know how to get over that.

It can also be healing if you own your disgust. It's common and probably universal. I don't think I ever told my W she disgusted me, but I could easily have said her actions disgusted me.

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R requires a lot of communication and total honesty with yourself and your WS. It's not a good idea to provide a running commentary on what you're thinking and feeling every moment, but you certainly need to be honest when you act.

If you don't feel like giving a hug or kiss or other stroke (physical or verbal), you need to say so.

Honesty Honesty Honesty. I know that can be scary, but the risks of lying, even by omission, can be worse than the risk of being honest.

It will take time and healing to get over the disgust. What you are feeling is normal and a primal response. If possible try to limit feeding the beast. Move your mind onto other things besides ruminating about thoughts that strengthen strong emotions. If you can somehow consciously and deliberately try to engage your brain in more rational thinking, you can gradually offset the power of these emotions. Take your mind elsewhere to more productive thoughts and imagery. Once you know what you want then execute it at a very basic level.

If you want to have sex with her you need to accept that making love may be out of the question. You will have to let go of the disgusting images. This can be done by focusing on your needs or (this one will be controversial to some here) close your eyes and take your thoughts to someone you have been with in the past or may desire in the form of a fantasy. If you choose to have sex with your wayward wife, you will be screwing for awhile. Do what you need to do in this department. Enjoy yourself and make sex in some ways more selfish than in the past.

Do not hesitate to tell her when you need or desire her assistance. You may wish to before having sex when just talking be open and honest with her and let her know the trauma of her infidelity has carried over into the sexual intimacy department and you will be unavailable sometimes; need additional stimulation or ????; or no words, etcetera.

Finally,do not allow the other person to hold a position. He is nothing. When he pops into your head during sex or in any moment transfer the image to Elmer Fudd, Bevis and Butthead, or your favorite uplifting music score. Iron man, Kashmir, Symphony #5 and many others worked for me. In my case music soothed the savage beast.

I hope the concept I am referencing helps.

Reading hundreds of infidelity stories from betrayed husbands I have concluded that the best way to get past the disgust is divorce. It isn't just the disgust with her and what she has done, it's that if you stay with her when you feel like you do it is a certainty that you will begin to feel disgust for yourself. And disgust turns into contempt and contempt eventually turns into hatred. Walk away and start a new life today and you will never, ever regret it.

jgh has already expressed a desire to R.

Disgust is an issue virtually all of us face. It's eminently surmountable, unless it's the Tomkins variety - and I bet that one knows immediately if it's the Tomkins variety.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:54 PM, October 5th (Friday)]

jgh,

The best I can describe living with my adulterous wife is like this:

You go to a restaurant with your wife and order a burger and a beer. You wait for your meal and it arrives at it looks great. But just then it hits you that you have to go to the bathroom. You leave your meal and rush to the bathroom.

When you come back, another guy has sat down in your place and is drinking your beer and eating your burger. When he sees you he gets up and rushes off.

You ask your wife "Who the hell was that and why did you let him eat my burger and drink my beer!?!" She replies, "because he asked". Now imagine yourself having to sit down and finish that meal. Disgusting.

Now lets say that you now have to eat your meals, for the rest of your life, where another man eats your food and drinks your beer. You have to share your meal with the saliva of another man on your burger and in your beer for the rest of your life.

That is how I feel about my wife. Disgust at having to eat after another man leftovers.

Or at least that's how I felt.

Now imagine that after a year or so of letting that man eat your food and drink your beer when your away, your wife instead up and slaps him and cusses him out and runs him off.

The though of having shared the burger for a year will still be raw, but your wife is now defending your meal and watching your back. She has changed fundamentally.

The wife you were disgusted with is no longer the same person. She is ashamed of who she was. She changes her perspective and she adopts a new code of conduct. She works hard to make amends and is remorseful and contrite. She wears humility and she holds you in high respect.

The betrayer and adulterer you once held in disgust and contempt is gone, and this new person that has taken over her is your greatest advocate and proves to be a good and faithful guardian of you and that which you hold dear.

I can tell you that it takes years, but you can start to see that person in a new light. That the grime and filth and scum will eventually fade and be replace by something new. I am told that every 7 years, nearly all the cells in your body are replaced with new ones.

Yes you have the actions that are in their past. She will never be able to say she was a good and faithful wife. She lost that title forever. But it is the choices of today that define you. Every day you have to step up to the plate and swing at the pitches life throws at you. She CAN be a good and faithful wife, FROM THIS MOMENT IN TIME, FOREVERMORE.

I can tell you that there will be a day, when the foulness subsides, where you can view her from THIS DAY ONWARD. That she has that opportunity from you to prove herself in that way would be the greatest gift from you to her, unearned and underserved. But that's the thing about gifts... True gifts are unearned and undeserved.

Good luck jgh

Having sex with your wife was special. It was a privilege you earned with love, commitment and being a reliable family man. It made you feel special to be the only man that she welcomed into her arms.

Now that’s all over and it’s more than just being betrayed. She punished your good behavior. You feel like a fool.

You would think that being a good provider and family man would build up credit. With most wives it does. But for some being reliable just means that they can take you for granted like the electric company. It’s not in your nature to leave them and your responsibilities even if they chest. It’s like they’re working with a safety net.

If you’re going to stay for the kids this is what I would do. No longer make love to her but just have sex. Think of her as a nanny you hired to take care of your kids. You couldn’t find a better one because the kids already know and like her. Plus you get to have sex with her.

It doesn’t matter how many previous clients she had or how good or bad they were. You hired her to take care of the kids and your needs.

In other words it’s a business. Think of her as your best friend and business partner that you caught embezzling. You can never blindly trust her again but she provides unique services to the business that no one else can provide. Keep her but don’t let her hurt you again.

If it were me I would divorce her and live with her. That way she will have paid a concrete price.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:35 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

Talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel. It should be her goal to help you through this. I had a hard time too. But my wife helped a great deal by listening, understanding, and consistency.