SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are not crazy to have a reaction to it. That's all I can say for certain.

Thank you for that. The whole thing is crazymaking. I feel crazy sometimes.

I guess this is a bit of a puzzler.

Again, I hope certain folks will read and see what a mess it is to try to deal with this stuff years later. Whether that's rugsweeping, not confessing, or a bit of both

Am I so worried about rugsweeping and compartmentalizing that I'm pushing too hard and dwelling on the past in unhealthy ways?

Agree that this is something to explore in IC. Maybe it is analysis paralysis. Maybe it is a way to feel like you are in control or have the upper hand. I can’t say for you, but it would be good to explore in IC. Maybe your fear of rugsweeping forces you to over rotate the other way and want microscopic forensics on everything.

As a BS, I think at some point we have to come to acceptance and decide for ourselves what is enough. Crazy making as it is, we each must decide what is best for us and when to accept it. Can’t change the past, and unless there are other revelations, you probably have the whole story at some level. Talk to IC about when it is time to let it go...

I agree with the others, you are not crazy at all.

Finding out about things years after they have happened is a complete...well, it really messes with your head.

I am wondering if your analyzing everything so thoroughly is actually you just really needing to 'figure it out' or try to put all the pieces together so you can get the answer of 'why.' You are thinking logically and trying to explain it, whether to yourself or to your wife.

The thing is... you can't rationalize irrational acts.And when dealing with compartmentalizers, especially with CSA survivors (like me, and now I know my husband is as well), it really can't be grasped. I have tried, but I just can't think like that.

I am sorry you have had another dday. We completely empathize with you. We've been there and it bites. I know I never in a thousand years thought this would be my life, but here it is.

Acceptance is very hard. And honestly, it should be. THe process needs to be taken slowly so that we can protect ourselves, try to avoid as much trauma as possible, before we can move on or make that final decision. I ended up with PTSD (diagnosed) which dredged up a ton of the CSA stuff. Probably because I feel so violated and powerless to change the past.

What I am seeing is that she seems to be trying to do some things, but I am also seeing that you are doing a lot of the work for her. And I am sorry, but her making demands on you so soon after this latest revelation? I'm stunned.

I think I don't understand it due to my WH almost completely overhauling who he had become into a guy I like. No demands on me. He isn't perfect (a nasty character trait came out today and we had to discuss it so he could see the pattern he was following that lead him to making selfish decisions (non-affair related ones). ANd he listened.

I hope that very much for you. I guess from what you have written I just see her efforts as a bit...shallow? Just slightly over the bare minimum?

There is still hope, but she has a lot to learn.

@stolenyears

analysis paralysis

I like that. It rhymes. And it reflects one of my tendencies well. In addition to EMS, I am in a field that requires a lot of research and contemplation. That carries over to all sorts of things.

I nerd out on new topics till I exhaust the topic or myself - usually myself.

Acceptance is going to be a main topic in IC. My gut reaction to the idea is that acceptance is giving up. Rationally, I know that isn't the case. There is a battle of sorts between emotion and rational thinking that at times may get pretty irrational.

@TenaciousMe

The whys are a plague to me. I tend to evaluate my intentions and actions. I know why I'm doing something most of the time. I crave understanding and making sense of things.

I know that her whys will not be wholly rational. Some may make some sense to me. And I like a quote attributed to Jonathan Swift

"Reasoning will never make a Man correct an ill Opinion, which by Reasoning he never acquired"

Her making demands on the tail end of the latest reveal - I don't like it, but it fits with the wayward mindset she is still hopefully extricating herself. She accepts my understanding that waywardness is more than sex, but she accepts it mostly because she has a sense that her thinking is flawed.

The guy with whom she exchanged xrated letters, she had no interest in a PA. Infidelity is sex. No actual sex. No actual infidelity.

But at least she accepts that her thinking is flawed, while not yet being able to come fully into healthier thinking.

Her efforts have slowed quite a bit. For a year or so, she was pretty energized. Not that it was all good work. But it was really pretty great for someone who had lied for 20 years and avoided for 20 years.

We talked this morning.

Our anniversary has thrown her for a litany of triggers and some flooding. In June, it's 25 years. I have no desire to celebrate beyond the vacation we've saved up for.

I mostly enjoy her company. But the other hang up is she knows I act loving but feel no genuine love and only occasional warmth.

I think maybe after 2 plus years, she may be really seeing the magnitude of the consequences. This is not a short process. It breaks hearts, sometimes permanently. Good intentions aren't enough.

It's hard work that will take years. And that's the opposite of avoiding.

So I'm trying to find encouragement that she's engaging and not avoiding, even if her efforts are not internally driven.

Neither of us are emotionally where I hope we might end up. I think she read 2-5 years and hoped it would be 2 (not withstanding the recent EA admission). I saw 2-5 and then later 2-7 and thought that 2 would be a best case scenario and we weren't best case, and that I was willing to spend 7 years if it meant solid healing.

Guess which one of us is typically the more patient one? :)

And again, thank you for posting and sharing with me.