SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all

Never thought I'd be posting to a website like this but here I am. D-Day #1 was actually a year ago so, technically, I did not just find out about my WW’s infidelity. However, the culmination of her trickle-truthing came to a head last night and I finally received the information I had suspected and dreaded for almost a year. All the bad feelings have flooded back, threatening to overwhelm the hard fought progress we made in reconciliation. I feel as if last night was D-Day #3 (despite her cutting off all contact with the AP since December 2017).

But I’m getting ahead of myself here... I need to relate my back story (I apologize in advance for the wall of text). Married for 14 years, together for 16. Have had the usual peaks and valleys during the course but I thought we were fine. Until about 13 months ago, when things started following the usual script for these affairs. I felt she was becoming distant and noticed some behavioral changes (more attention to wardrobe and appearance, spending more time at work, etc). I never entertained the thought of infidelity because I just couldn’t fathom her doing that to us. I simply thought it was us growing apart and I wanted to fix things. So I initiated a "state of the union" conversation and we both came to the conclusion of mutual dissatisfaction with our marriage.

I wanted to fix things and promised to devote more time and effort to her, to us, and was actually rather gung ho about reconnecting. She on the other hand just appeared apathetic and had a "meh" attitude about it all. After two weeks of not seeing any real participation from her, we talked again. I got hit with "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". But, she assured me that she didn’t want a divorce because she didn’t believe in it. Devastated, I asked her if she thought that she might ever change her mind if i worked hard enough. She basically said, "probably not, but you're welcome to try."

Should've realized that there was something wrong then but i was so concentrated on becoming the ideal mate for her that i missed it. One day, i was reviewing our cellphone bill (for completely unrelated reason) and noticed that our call minutes tripled in October of 2017. Curious, i looked at the call logs and found evidence that she was having an EA. For about three weeks straight, she was calling and getting called by a number i did not recognize. They would talk for an hour or more every morning and then another 45 minutes to an hour every late night (after I had already gone to bed). I Googled the number and it belonged to one of her married coworkers. I was surprised, to say the least, especially because she rarely ever mentioned this particular co-worker.

It was during this same period where she was becoming more distant as well as leaving earlier for work and coming home later at night. In hindsight, I now realize she was also becoming more protective of her phone, e.g., always placing the screen down or taking it into the bathroom. I never thought anything of it at the time because I've always trusted her completely.

I may have been oblivious then but I’m no one’s dummy. I confronted her and she denied anything inappropriate. She said they were just friends and they talked about work. I pushed further and she finally revealed that they had bonded by commiserating over their respective marital problems. I'm a very private person so I was devastated and humiliated that she was complaining about me and revealing our issues to another person.

In my eyes, her budding relationship with her coworker explained the emotional distance as well as her non-committal response to my efforts to rejuvenate our marriage. She denied that anything physical had ever happened and even volunteered that they never veered into romantic or sexual talk. Taking her word for it (because she's never lied to me before), i told her their relationship was verging on an EA and i was very upset, especially because she was devoting all of her energy to him rather than me.

She said she didn't see their relationship as an EA but, out of respect for me, she volunteered to end all contact with him outside of work. She also promised to put more energy and effort into our marriage. I was mollified and things really did get better for the next couple of months. I felt that we were reconnecting and closer than we had been for years.

Christmas 2017 came and i was really excited to see her response to my gift. I'd put great effort into it, wanting to impress her as much as i did when we first started dating. She loved it... "one of the best gifts you've ever given me!"

I was on cloud nine, grinning like a fool for most of the day. We went to the gym together that afternoon. While there, i happened to come up behind her while she was on her phone. She hadn't noticed me and was obviously startled. She appeared to be messaging someone but immediately closed out of the app and turned her phone over. Let me say that i can always tell when my wife is upset or disturbed. She was definitely caught off guard and i suspected she was hiding something. Besides my gut feeling, i noticed that the messaging app she had been using was not the typical iPhone app but something located in her productivity folder.

I spent the rest of the day agonizing over whether i should confront her about the incident. I was fairly certain she was hiding something but was afraid of alienating her if my hunch was off and i wrongly accused her. I eventually gave in to my morbid curiosity.

Found out she had been texting the same coworker from before using the Dust app which could not be tracked from our cellphone bill and also autodeletes all messages after 24 hours. She initially tried to lie and say she was just messaging an old college friend but she's not a very good liar.

I blew up at her, saying i was done with her. I tried to leave the house but she ran after me and begged me to stay and talk. She still denied that any thing inappropriate (i.e, romantic or sexual) was going on. Purely platonic. She just needed someone to vent to about the stresses of work. I couldn't provide that because i wasn’t familiar with the nuances and politics of their company. He was very encouraging, a good listener, and always gave such great advice! She had only texted him that day to wish him a Merry Christmas… Oh, and by the way, the Dust app was all his idea (leading me to believe, if true, that he’s done this before? I consider myself tech savvy and never knew of the existence of such apps!)

I told her that this was now definitely an EA if it wasn't before. She was initially resistant to accept this interpretation but she understood why i was perceiving it negatively. I told her it didn't matter whether or not the relationship was innocent. She knew i disapproved and she had promised to cease all contact. Her resumption of the relationship (using a cheaters app no less) showed complete disregard and disrespect for me.

I told her, with all honesty, that if she wanted to be with OM, she was welcome to him. I'm not going to fight for someone who didn't want me in return. She begged for forgiveness, told me she loved only me, and would (again) cut off all contact with the other guy. Obviously, i expressed a healthy dose of sarcastic skepticism at that and lashed out at her in cruel fashion. I felt so much hate for her at that moment, even more than for the OM.

In the first few weeks after DDay #2, I tried to go no contact. I slept in our guest bedroom and avoided her like the plague. Moving out was never an option as I have two young children and they are the most important facets of my life now. I only texted her during the day when i felt like torturing myself with details of their EA and trying to get her to justify her betrayal of my trust.

The usual excuses: "we only talked about work. It was never romantic. We never became physical. We [she and i] were in a better place so i thought it was ok to resume texting him"

After about a month, she eventually accepted (at least outwardly) that she was indeed unfaithful to me and that it was an EA. She explained that she didn't see it for what it was while she was in it (i think you guys refer to it as affair fog). She took full responsibility for her actions and said she would do whatever it takes to regain my love and trust. Honestly, i still love her. Before this, she had been a great friend, wife, and mother. I thought she was truly remorseful and I was fairly certain that nothing physical happened between them.

But I just didn’t know if I could ever trust her again. I also harbored a healthy amount of resentment towards her. One moment, i felt like forgiving her and restarting communication but a second later, I'd get enraged again and want to leave her forever. She hid the EA from me twice and lied to my face when confronted. I kept wondering if I was overreacting? Undoubtedly, she betrayed my trust, but there was no romantic or sexual element to her relationship. Does that make it "less bad" than a PA? My WW certainly thought so.

After I made the decision to give R a chance, she promised she would do anything to regain my trust and to spend the rest of her life making it right. She promised she would go and find a MC for us and also seek IC for herself. For the first couple of months after DDay #2, things seemed to be progressing well. She was more attentive and affectionate and tried to be transparent with all of her activities of daily life. But, then the triggers came and I would slide back into my pit of self-pity, despair, and anger. And when confronted with this, my WW wasn’t able to cope (at least in my estimation). Instead of reaching out and actively supporting me through an episode, she would withdraw, claiming that she wanted to give me space, and often would get defensive and pass some of the blame to me. I told her several times that I needed her to affirm my feelings and reactions to triggers, not ignore them!

After a blow-up, she would improve for a bit but then would get complacent in between my attacks. About 4 months after D-Day, #2 I was getting the feeling that she was starting to resent my triggered episodes. During one argument, she implied that her efforts towards reconciliation were being wasted if I couldn’t truly and completely forgive her, i.e., I needed to stop getting triggered. Boy, did I blow up at her for that remark. She had the good sense and sufficient shame to realize how selfish she was in saying that after I mock apologized for inconveniencing her with my heartbreak and PTSD from having the woman I loved above all else betray me.

Moreover, she never went through with the counseling sessions. I told her in the beginning that, because she betrayed me, that she was responsible for taking the initiative and finding us a counselor. Because we both work in the same field and carry similar long hours, it was hard for us to coordinate and make time for such sessions. And honestly, I let it slide because I was so busy with work and the kids…

I want to emphasize here that I am not concerned with the possibility of an ongoing affair. Since she ended the EA with the OM about 10 months ago, I’ve had no reason to suspect she fell off the wagon. However, as we approach the 1 year anniversary of DDay, I find myself intermittently dissatisfied with the state of our reconciliation process and our marriage. Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with irrational and immature thoughts of her not suffering enough for her infidelity. I sometimes wonder if I forgave her too easily and quickly.

For example, I never revealed her infidelity to any of her family or friends. Admittedly, part of the reason was to avoid my shame and embarrassment as I am a very private person, but I also did not want to humiliate her. I also did not go through with telling the OMW about the EA. My initial reaction upon finding out about the affair was to tell her, driven mainly by a desire for vengeance and to hurt the OM. I reconsidered in the days after cooling down as I didn't want to hurt OMW and their kids.

Furthermore, I never reported OM to his superiors at their workplace. Based on precedent with other workplace affairs I had heard about, he likely would have been fired had management found out that he was carrying on an EA with a subordinate (my WW). I chose not to report him in order to protect my wife’s reputation and standing with the company. I could give two shyts about the OM but my wife worked hard to get her current position, and she is positioned to advance far in her field, which would get curtailed severely if people were to find out what happened. This is also the reason why I didn’t demand that she quit and find a job elsewhere. But now, I am wondering if I was too considerate of her feelings and needs.

Indeed, I have been frequenting this website as well as the similarly named subreddit, trying to get insight into why I continue to feel so angry and dissatisfied. Truly, I should have done this so much earlier in my recovery process because I have gleaned so much valuable information and recommendations from reading stories of others in my situation. I finally came to the realization that at least one reason for my persistent malaise was that nagging fear in the back of my mind that she had not told me the whole truth regarding the extent of their relationship.

I finally confronted her last night with the concept of trickle-truth and I accused her of doing that to me. I told her that I could only truly move on and commit to R if she came clean and told me everything I needed to know. Initially, she continued to deny that she said or did anything with OM that I considered inappropriate beyond what she already admitted to a year ago.

Becoming frustrated, I engaged my “nuclear options.”. First, I asked her to take a polygraph test. “No problem,” she said. “Damn it,” I thought and then followed up with a bluff about using a data recovery service that could recover up to 2 years worth of deleted texts from her iPhone (fortunately, she isn’t very tech savvy). I threatened to use that service on her personal iPhone. “ok,” she said. “Double damn it,” I thought. I then used my last ace in the hole and said that I would use the data recovery service on her WORK phone.

A look of absolute fear crossed her visage and she was completely silent for a few minutes. She was obviously thinking about whether or not to call my bluff. While she was thinking, I poured on the pressure by saying, “Please tell me everything and anything that was inappropriate communication between you and him now. Because if you make me read it for the first time when I use the data recovery service on your phone, we are done and I am leaving you. “

Fortunately (or unfortunately?), she caved and finally answered my query of what inappropriate texts they sent each other. She finally relented and admitted the following:

-They flirted via text quite often, making fun of each other and calling one another pet names that had created for the other

-They would check in daily when not at work and ask what the other was doing

-They would comment on the other’s work apparel and how nice the other person looked (remember that my wife was dressing better during the EA)

-My WW admitted that she craved his attention and compliments and that her new wardrobe, perfume, and even lingerie purchases were partly to obtain such positive feedback

-She would complain about me to him and say some rather hurtful things that made me look like a terrible husband

-He asked her about our sex life, including how often we had sex and what positions. She not only answered his inquiries but turned the same questions back to him! This is the same shy woman who was always too embarrassed to have such conversations with me.

She continues to deny that any physical ever happened (e.g., kissing, holding hands, flirty touching, sex). She denies that they ever expressed love for each other or talked about leaving their spouses for each other. In response to my direct question, she did drop the bombshell that she likely would have continued the EA if I had not caught her (I did not clarify whether she meant D-Day #1 or #2) and that she thinks it could/would have progressed to a PA. I asked her if she would have stopped herself if it got to that stage. She said that she didn’t know.

I’m fairly certain there has been no more inappropriate contact between her and the OM but with these new revelations, I feel that I’m back to square one. I don’t know what’s worse: the realization that her EA was much more intense than I had judged or the fact that she continued to lie to me about it until I threatened the data recovery service.

I’m not sure that I CAN forgive her but the question I pose to you all is, SHOULD I forgive her? Playing devil’s advocate, it was only an EA, right? Is it somehow not as bad as a PA? She claims that she still wants to be with me and that she finally realizes how much pain and suffering she caused to me. And to be honest, she had been making significant progress in the past year. She has been faithful since D-Day #2. And I did choose to enter R with her knowing that she had been engaged in an EA with the OM.

However, when I chose R a year ago, I wasn’t working with ALL the information. I still love her and our family but I just don’t know if I have the energy to put into restarting the reconciliation process and make myself trust her again.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for your time and any insight you can provide.

They’ll only admit to what they think you know. EAs for that long in the workplace rarely stay EAs. There is a very strong possibility it turned into a PA.

Others will come along and offer advice. But I suspect they’ll say the same thing to you as I will. You need to inform her workplace. HR needs to know. She has to go complete NC with this asshole. She has to leave that workplace. Your relationship is more important than her job. And please inform the other spouse. She deserves to know what is going on but also he needs to feel the consequences with engaging with a married woman. He should never get away with this.

[This message edited by Mene at 12:46 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

(Up front, I only skimmed through your original post)

Follow through with the polygraph. 100% positive that she hasn't given the whole truth. Be prepared for more.

I'll say this: you can't push a 1 ton boulder up a hill by yourself.

If she's only giving the bare minimum effort, you're in for a long and disappointing experience. And by "bare minimum" I mean 100% transparency with cell phones and electronic devices and where she is at all times. Any withholding is a giant red flag.

You can recover from this. But she needs to be doing the lion's share of work. She'll try and blameshift. Shut it down. This is 100% on her.

Others will come and offer great advice. I highly recommend that you follow the advice. There have been countless other BSs (Betrayed Spouses) that ignored the advice for and suffered further grievance.

We ALL know the path that you're traversing and know the pitfalls. We're here to guide you.

Best of luck, man.

Cheaters lie a lot. If you want the truth recover her phone. In an EA with close contact it's probably a physical affair.

You should inform his wife. Without warning!!!!!

Just because you know doesn't mean it'll stop. That maybe the best way to make sure it's ended.

Being Mr Nice Guy while they blow up your life and family won't get you a thing.

If they continue contact the affair may continue. Affairs are addictive. You get the addict around the source you get relapse. If it ever stopped. Which at this time you really don't know. They work together all you have is her word. Which is worthless.

If you've learned one thing it's you can't "nice them back".

Funny how she wasn't in love with you and she didn't think there was any hope until you found out. Now she is in full self preservation mode.

Bud, right now she's just sorry she got caught.

Her words don't mean a thing.

If you put yourself in the position of staying no matter what then you will probably end up taking what she's willing to give you.

You need to wake fully up. Or suffer the consequences

The other thing you need to realize is your wayward wife is a very typical lying cheater. There's nothing special about her or her affair at all. Only that it's happened to you.

They all follow the same basic cheater script.

Which is:

I love you but am not in love with you. We're just "friends" is the biggest lie told here. Happens all the time.

You are a bad husband, bad father, etc, etc. that's used to justify her affair. Nothing more.

Start reading. You need knowledge. Like most who come here you don't know what you're dealing with.

Get strong quick you'll need it.

Right now you're in shock and panicked. Very normal.

Make no mistake. All cheaters lie, hide and deny.

I asked her to take a polygraph test

So let her take the polygraph.

Seems simple enough

I would be shocked if this wasn’t physical. Stop bluffing her. book a polygraph test and insist she completes it. Then ask her to call his wife on speaker phone and confess everything (record the call).

Second on the polygraph...it’s a must at this point.

She has shown you who she really is, so believe her instead of forcing yourself to believe she is better than she is.

I'm so sorry that you are here and that you are part of our club. Here is my thought; she had a PA. Why I say that?

Your wife said she...

craved his attention and compliments and that her new wardrobe, perfume, and even lingerie purchases were partly to obtain such positive feedback

If it were not a PA, why buy lingerie? She wore lingerie for him? At work? Maybe, but does not sound right. At a hotel? Yes. Contact the OBS. I bet she is still not tell you about the PA. She had an IPhone? Bet it's synced to her email. Check it just to be sure.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 5:42 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Workplace affairs are very, VERY rarely EAs. In fact, of all of them I've ever read about, and we're talking thousands of stories, I can think of one that actually was an EA. That's it.

She called your bluff on the poly. Slow her you're not bluffing, and take her up on it.

You also need to inform her boyfriend's spouse ASAFP. She's likely to get info you don't have yet from him.

[This message edited by Somber at 7:02 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

[This message edited by Somber at 7:05 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

[This message edited by Somber at 7:07 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

[This message edited by Somber at 7:07 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

[This message edited by Somber at 7:07 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

I Am sorry you are going through this but you are not alone. I have also worked on false reconciliation and my gut instinct told me there was always more to the discovered messages and texts I would find to multiple women. I remained angry, sad, depressed and would bottle it all up. I would keep it inside because I became hopeless in getting the truth from

Him. Every time I would bring it up and tell him that I think there is more to it and I am having a hard time moving forward; he would then become defensive and insist that I am making it worse in my head than it was...always nothing happened!! I came to realize that something did happen! He was convincing me that because there was no sex or emotional connection (just flirting) that it was not infidelity. I have now learned that infidelity has many shapes and forms. He left our relationship with every message and chose to pursue other women then the one sitting right beside him every night.

This was ongoing for 7 years when I found direct messages with intent to meet up with an old girlfriend and never brought it up. I wanted to see him leave and lie to me, and he did with so much ease! He was home that night and awoke the next morning happy, making breakfast for his family like nothing had happened. I lost my mind and we went to counselling.

The next step is where I feel for you...i put my all into reconciliation for 2 years and also thought he was-such as your WS pretended to do. All along for me he was having another affair. This one proved to be physical. All along for you your WS was continuing a secretive relationship! In no shape or form is that okay!!! It doesn’t matter if they had sex at all!! It really doesn’t. With every message to him, she chose to not put that time and effort into your marriage. You gave her the gift of reconciliation and she destroyed it!!! She is selfish and will do this again, especially if it came so easy for her. The only stories I have read with good outcomes have had a WS fully disclose so the BS can accept and build trust without doubts. So the BS can actually make an informed decision about their marriage. You have been misled and not been able to make an informed decision. I hate this! You knew this though. I can tell because I also knew this. I knew I wasn’t able to move forward because I could still not trust him as he gave me trickle truth only and admitted to only what I told him or found out. It is so difficult to be where you are, with a different story I am also there. I also have 2 children and it breaks my heart to break apart our family. So I stay, so I try to reconcile, so I continue to live in an unfulfilled untrustworthy marriage. I don’t want this....ask yourself how much you are willing to put up with? I am at my limit and trying to do IC and the 180....you should do the same.

And please let this other spouse know!! She deserves to. As I was in reconciliation, the only way I would have found out about my husbands most recent affair is from the other woman’s spouse!!! It was earth shattering but I thanked him for opening up my eyes. It was my WS that broke my heart not him telling me about it. I needed to know!!!!! I was once again living a lie and it also gave me proof I finally needed. It also gave me reasons to why I felt the way I did and couldn’t move on from all past suspicions. This wife may be living the same life you are and she deserves solid evidence and proof as well.

She may be living a worse one with a longer history of suspicions. Your wife may not be his first affair. It all sucks but she needs to know, there are no favours in protecting their affair. I understand having a hard time opening up to people close to you but telling her is a must!! Also try IC or at the very least opening up to one close family member or friend for your own sanity.

So sorry you are here. Take care of yourself and good luck. Only you can decide if she is honest enough to reconcile with but it sounds like she is not!

[This message edited by Somber at 6:59 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Somber really wanted to make his point!

GoldenR I was using my phone to create a message and it sent it multiple times. I have no idea how to delete messages but have since tried to delete the repetitive ones from my laptop and it seems to have worked! lol

But yes my biggest point would be to tell the other spouse and that there is no point at reconciliation if they prove to still be active in the affair. All sucks so much!!

I’m not sure that I CAN forgive her but the question I pose to you all is, SHOULD I forgive her?

To know this, you will need the whole truth.

1. Ask for a complete written timeline, with as much details as possible. Tell her you need to know everything, including whether it went physical. Everything! Tell her that you will make her do a polygraph afterwards.

Tell her that any lies or omissions and it’s Divorce. Be prepare to do it. No bluffing.

This is why the other SI members are telling you to do a polygraph.

2. Ask for NC. It will be possible once you get him fired.

3. Talk to the OMS and don’t tell you WW. The OMS may have information for you. If your WW complains afterwards, well she is not following NC is she?

4. Inform the work place. Get him fired.

Once you have all the information, you can decide whether on R or D.

Right now you are still in infidelity.

I wish you strength!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:21 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

Cardiacripple,

There is more than what your wife is telling you. We don’t want to alarm you and we hope there isn’t more but 99% of the time there is. Rarely do adults who have an EA for a long period don’t turn it into physical. Especially if they work together.

You need to tell the bastard’s wife. She needs to know. It’s the right thing to do. Also, she’ll be an extra pair of eyes to ensure NC is adhered to.

You need to report it to HR. By law, given he is senior, he should be dismissed. This is a serious violation of his position.

Make your wife do a polygraph. Usually, many WS tell you they’ll do it and then pull out last minute and confess.

You are in shock. We are here to help.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:42 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]