SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been unsuccessful for weeks now, with finding strategies in managing limbo. Meditation, mindfulness techniques, exercise, journaling, reading -- all of these only seem to help at the time I'm doing them. Navigating this space is hard, and I'm starting to understand what I've read - that it's not the infidelity that makes recovery or reconciliation impossible, it's how the WS/BS deals with the aftermath (individually and together).

These early months of "doing the work" I do feel emotionally healthier. My first reaction to a negative or overwhelming emotion is not to externalize. I do not try to escape it. When criticized or in a discussion where I don't agree, I do not automatically take a "your side-my side" approach, which always resulted in defensiveness, resentment, anger, feelings of being a victim, etc. In many ways, I feel much more engaged with myself, which I also hope is making me a safer partner for my BS.

In the area of the M, I have been feeling very discouraged. Like this is our forever, and I know that this was my own doing, that whatever weight I am feeling, BS feels 100-fold. He has built a protective wall (as is understandable) from which he can safely heal. But as a WS, I cannot do that. My healing must come from exposing my vulnerabilities. At the same time, I must work tirelessly to show BS, if he so chooses, that he doesn't have to be on the other side of the wall. As the weeks pass and roll into months, I am losing hope in limbo. Unfortunately, IC is not an options and am reaching out hoping for suggestions on how to get through this. As should be expected, there has been 0 emotional intimacy or bonding from BS for months, I have no one to turn to as BS has asked to keep private (which was 100% his choice and I am very very thankful to him that it is). As humans, I believe we all seek comfort. I don't know how to best continue holding on...

When was your day? I'm 20 me nths in and still in Limbo.

@pinkpggy - I am close to 5 months. I know this is very early and have read your posts - I am sorry that you have been in this space for longer than most I have come across on SI. How have you been able to persist? How do you manage the rejection? One of my whys (though I haven't hashed it all out yet) is my need for self preservation. I am making good progress in working away from this mindset, but that leaves me fully exposed and raw to the feelings (that I think are natural to feel when you're rejected, even if the rejection is reasonable and/or deserving).

I also am observing that BS (I can be wrong) seems to be making progress with recovery to some degree. He's resuming in social and healthy activities, he makes jokes and laughs with his friends. I am glad for it and have been doing as much of the household stuff so he has more time for himself. The kind folks on SI have advised that I focus on myself, but I guess I am having a hard time achieving a balance. Being selfless in his recovery, but in some ways, being diligent and finding time/space in my own?

Destroyed- I think the balance you are seeking can be achieved by time - I know, that godawful word again. 5 months is very early in the process. In fact, there are plenty of BSs here who will tell you that recovery is still going on. Your BS is still in shock and is trying to recover from the trauma of your A. Think of it as ER triage. Once the gaping wound is bandaged, then processing the trauma can begin. You are still bandaging the gaping wound. Right now the focus needs to be on your BS. Help him manage his pain so he can process the trauma. You do this by taking on the tasks he is unable to accomplish, answering his questions, checking in when asked, complete transparency and honesty (about everything), and digging quietly into yourself. Once your BS can process again, you will be able to say this is where I was on dday, this is what I read, listened to, and learned, and this is where I'm at now. My work is far from over and I will not stop.

Thank you @barregirl. BS does not initiate communication and does not seek to go to IC (not complaints but a factual characteristics of our relationship) which makes it more challenging in navigation and understanding where he is in his recovery. I am in no way indicating that an explanation is owed to me, just that it's another discouraging aspect of the limbo.

The thing is, when we do talk about it, aside from very short bursts of rage (which hasn't occurred in several weeks), he seems like he's making progress. He makes statements about knowing his worth, his acknowledgement of what I've done and knowing he is 100% not to blame, about actively reclaiming his sense of self. I am grateful for this, believe me, and I want to continue on assisting in his recovery any way possible. Again, I am searching for strategies to be able to do this. @hikingout had posted in some threads that WS feel pain too (definitely not comparable to the BS, for sure). I want to deal with my own pain, but the methods I've employed aren't as effective as they were early on. I am hoping for some guidance.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 9:16 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]

Hoo, I can feel the rawness. I wish I had advice to give you. I recently listened to Pema Chodron’s talk on YouTube called dealing with difficult emotions. I found it helpful, thanks EvolvingSoul for the recommendation.

I have to keep reminding myself it’s okay to not be okay right now.

Other than that I try to employ as many senses as I can while sitting with it. I have a playlist of music called regulate yourself that has songs that help me ground myself, I use tapping to help calm myself physically. And sometimes I use smell to help too.

You’re not alone in trying to figure out how to navigate it. I have relied emotionally on my BH for years and am trying to figure this out myself, but just yesterday in a hopeful but emotional raw state I emotionally vomited all over him. And showed old coping mechanisms.

Try to take each moment, look how far you have come, be brave, keep exposing yourrsef and sit in the rawness, try to step back and watch it.

And the moments when you are sure you don’t, take a moment, acknowledge how you feel, then pick yourself back up and channel that energy.

You got this.

(All this is advice I’m giving myself really, so ignore what doesn’t work or make sense for you)

Oh, and getting momentarily emo can help. Listen to a really sad song, cry sing it as loud as you can.

@mysunandstars - thank you for your response. Knowing someone commiserates helps, in that I am not alone. And you hit the nail on the head - it's sitting with it. I have long been an escapist and it endorsed my wayward thinking. I no longer want to do this at all, I have no desire to compartmentalize or distract myself from it. But as you pointed out, being in it while not letting it be a weight in anyway to my BS is not something I have and fear will never figure out. This is absolutely why it's so raw.

I have to keep reminding myself it’s okay to not be okay right now.

I made BS and our M not ok. I know I am the perpetrator in this. Maybe the consequences are that it might never be ok ever again and it's my fault. I just don't know how to remain hopeful if I think about it from this point of view.

I am escapist too, and a wallower and a black and white thinker and minimized, anything to not have to sit in it.

being in it while not letting it be a weight in anyway to my BS is not something I have and fear will never figure out. This is absolutely why it's so raw.

Let me know if you figure this out, I know this is what is killing any progress I am desperately trying to make. And it keeps me self protective and not putting my BH needs ahead of mine. And I hate it, and I want to give up trying to sit with it because I feel like if I go back to repressing it I can move past it, but I know that’s a lie. And I know that it will continue to keep me from being emotionally present.

What I meant about being okay with not being okay, is about not allowing myself the luxury and false promise of comfort in feeling it’s always going to be this way , I’ve ruined everything, it’s all my fault, etc. For me, I use it to acknowledge and accept where I am at, where we are at because of me, and then figure out how to act differently than I have in the past. I don’t know if this makes sense outside of my head.

I gotta figure it out too.

BS does not initiate communication and does not seek to go to IC (not complaints but a factual characteristics of our relationship) which makes it more challenging in navigation and understanding where he is in his recovery.

IC is a really great tool to work through this shit, but it's not always necessary. Even in the lowest of low states our BSs are still very strong under their trauma. This is a huge blow but I've seen many rise on their own. 5 months out is too soon imo to determine whether it's truly needed. What do you suppose IC would accomplish in this moment for him anyway? To come to a conclusion quicker? I think your BS is plenty capable of doing this on his own time.

You mentioned he doesn't initiate communication. Do you? We shouldn't wait for them. It's a meaningful gesture to be proactive and check in, open the conversation up ourselves. I have no doubt if he is willing to talk when you approach him, you'll soon learn where he is in his recovery. Step into his pain.

You're in turmoil over the uncertainty of the M, understandable. What helped me was letting go of the outcome. It takes active work to accomplish. One has to completely change their feelings about it, and it's not always easy. Of course we feel pain in the aftermath, if one didn't I would think that WS had something terribly wrong with them. Pain is a given. Step into your pain as well and let go of your M surving this.

Learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Have you researched the effects of emotional trauma, specifically infidelity trauma? It's one thing to witness it at home and see the effects here. But I think understanding the science behind it and how it truly alters the brain, helps to get the reality of it.

So, yeah. Letting go of the uncertainty and focusing on what is certain helped me to cope.

@foreverlabeled - Thank you for our suggestions and input. I do initiate conversation and ask if there's anything on his mind or that he might want to discuss. These are 9 out of 10 times met with a "No". I turned to writing routine (weekly) emails on my own reflections, specific apologies as I uncover more and more of my faults/flaws and how they came to be. I thought the emails would give him the option to read/digest them if/when he's ready for them (since he didn't seem receptive to talking in person.

I have done some reading on infidelity trauma but can definitely do more. It was actually the reading of that (trauma) material that remorse started to hit, really realizing the chaos I've drowned him in and destroying the safety of the M in his mind. I really do respect that the recovery must be done in his own space and in his own time.

And you're so right, it is about letting go of the outcome, so many SI-ers echo this advice, but I have tried and tried and have been been unsuccessfully able to do it. I've struggling at this standstill for weeks, and have tried more/different exercise, music, podcasts, reading, starting to resume some hobbies I used to enjoy, partaking in my BS hobbies when he'll allow, engaging with friends and family more, etc. Somehow, it might be minutes or hours, I always go back to dwelling on the limbo. This is exactly why I am looking to the community for guidance on how to navigate the limbo period for however long that shall be.

Thanks again taking the time and thought to respond.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 9:01 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

Hi Destroyed,

And you're so right, it is about letting go of the outcome, so many SI-ers echo this advice, but I have tried and tried and have been been unsuccessfully able to do it.

Forgive me if I have spoken to you about this before, I have said the following to numerous people and I can't remember who I have addressed with this.

I too had an issue framing my mind to let go of the outcome. I didn't understand it for a long time. I kept saying to myself "but of course I can't let go of the outcome, I want to keep my marriage" When you want something that badly, the outcome is almost the only thing that you can focus on. It kept me in a bad cycle.

At one point in our journey my H asked me for a divorce. I didn't want a divorce, but I was willing to accept that as the outcome for what I had done. As I sat with that I realized that letting go of the outcome might not be possible - but being okay with all outcomes would be possible. I realized that while I didn't want the divorce, that I would eventually be okay. He would be okay. The world would not end.

Try reframing it as things will be okay no matter what. Review in your mind that whatever happens everyone will heal from it. That you are strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way. It freed me from having to catastrophize every single thing that happened that didn't show favor towards us working it out. It also freed me to be more honest about how abhorrent my behavior had been. I no longer had to try and protect an image of me. It's not that this isn't something I still struggle with, but when you can recognize it you can talk yourself down from it.

Once you know that the world will not end, that life will go on, and that healing can happen no matter what the outcome is...then you can operate from a place where you are not putting so many things under a microscope or pressure.

Last week, and the couple of weeks prior, I found myself returning to the pressure cooker thing. I realized the outcome that I was fearing is that I wasn't going to go ahead and make the changes I needed to make. That I was enjoying myself too much and thinking that normalcy was my mortal enemy. So, it was another outcome I had to neutralize. I had to go back to having confidence in myself and my belief that the journey to become a better me is something that I am worth and will follow through on.

So, those are two examples where the fear of the unknown (which is what this boils down to...we don't know how things will end up) can be worked through and turned to a positive. And, this is a long haul, being able to frame things positively is something to practice, you will need that moving forward so much.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:29 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

Oh and, this might be a weird suggestion but one of the threads here that helped me understand so much more about myself when I was at about your stage was when Mrs. Walloped came and made her first appearance on this board. You can search for her, it's a post that goes for pages and pages, but that thread started to turn a tide for me for some reason so I suggest it to you in the case it could help in a similar way. It might have been my first exposure to something in-depth from someone several years into the process and it gave me both a dose of hope and a dose of reality.

ETA: Here is a link: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617982 And in reviewing it, a lot of the best information from her comes from answering questions she is asked.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:45 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

I have really appreciated this thread and reading all the responses, thanks to all of you who are contributing.

The thought just occurred to me, have you considered renaming or reframing the word “limbo”?

What I mean is, I gather you are hoping that the efforts you are making are working, that they matter, that you are noticed. I know I am guilty of this big time. Again, maybe this is just me seeing myself in what you are saying, but what I see in what you say, and what I see in myself is, “please validate me.” Please tell me this is working, that I’m on the right path etc.

Progress is progresss. It’s not limbo. Yes, you have no control over whether or not your BH will accept your progress and your work and that is excruciating, but it’s also part of what makes us wayward. There is also the possibility that he is watching everything you are saying and doing to see if he can allow himself to let his guard down with you. Be safe with you again. So, either way, each thing you do to be safe, each step you take, each proactive thing you do to be vulnerable and raw and keep your defenses down is progress.

I find there is a lot of power in what words we think with.

@sunandstars - thank you for bringing this to attention. If I can clarify, what I mean by limbo is actually the period of BS recovery where his decision of D or attempting R is unknown. But as hikingout pointed out what I was hoping for guidance on is focusing on him, focusing on me, and not focusing on the outcome. She is spot on in that, yes, of course I want to save this marriage. It's at the center of all "the work" -- to be safe and to be whole. I know that it will benefit me to do so regardless, but the fact remains that I want to be safe and whole for him as well. For him, as my H.

@sunansstars- And you are absolutely correct that in the first couple months, alot of my actions were about validation for the majority purpose of R. It's gotten to a point now that it's validation of it being more "Is this helping him? Is he gaining back himself? Is he finding his way back to some sort of happy or redefining a new happy?"

@hikingout - thank you for the link. I've read the first couple pages and all of it is informative. The way you describe "being ok with any outcome" makes alot of sense to me. And I know it's by his timeline. I am not rushing him. I do need help in dealing with the apathy, rejection.

@hikingout - As you pointed out in another post I think, what we feel is nothing to what BS does. But we are human and dealing with those emotions, be it minimal compared to BS, is still difficult. And as I am really starting to see that it's a marathon, I know I'll need better ways to deal with them so I can continue helping BS with his recovery as best as I can. I don't think I've found my "turning point" yet and I feel like it's going to result in me hitting a wall on all fronts.

Do you think maybe you are in a hurry? Your healing takes time, change takes time. Change is a slow process. Allow yourself more time to let go of the outcome, keep working, you'll get there. It was over a year before I successfully accepted the unknown. Make time your friend.

In reality you are probably doing all you can, there's no quick fix to any of this.

I am not rushing him. I do need help in dealing with the apathy, rejection.

I just actively showed loved to him and made up my mind that I would demonstrate it quietly without expectations. But, I raised 3 teenagers, so maybe they taught me. With the kids, you will do all sorts of things for them and they may not acknowledge it at the time that it's happening but they receive it, take it in, and then you often see rewards or appreciation for it later but you do it whether there is or isn't. There is no guarantee and while you are doing it, there is nothing you would rather be doing.

I know my husband is not my child, but it was as simple as performing acts of kindness. I was careful not to be too pushy or needy in the beginning. If I thought he looked nice I would tell him. Or if there was something he normally did (taking out the trash was one) I would do it, or take it out to the road before he would have to the night before garbage day. I would leave little notes. I would make his favorite dinner, find things that we could go do together that he especially liked. I tried to make his life as easy as I could, but not to manipulate him. Not to talk him into things. But, because I genuinely saw how badly he was hurting and that he needed me whether he was mad at me or not.

My H needed a lot of space in those early months, and that worked okay for me because I needed it too.

We had HB, that helped some I think. I think you said that you all have been having HB? (If not, that's okay) But, if so...its a good opportunity to show how much you love and desire him. Yes, you are still going to feel the difference because it's not really love making, but just decide you are okay with that. It's like the other things you are doing for him, it's coming from your heart.

In other words, selfless love. No expectations, nothing in return. If you want the possibility to be given the chance to R - then you need to think of investing in all of this rather than still focusing on your returns. I hope that helps.