SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife of 20 years told me 2 days ago that my hunch was right and she's had an affair. Things had got very distant between us, rows, irritability and no more snuggling up in bed for example for some months. I noticed a couple of excuses to stay away which didn't quite make sense but we've been together 20 years and always completely trusted each other. Talking through it and trying to be rational I actually understand how she became vulnerable to an affair (which doesn't mean I excuse it) because we're building a house and all I do these days is go to work,come back and work on our house till dark then go to bed,and that's been our life for about 18 months now. I'm not excusing her, I just can see how the guy was able to step in. I'd noticed she was cold, not wanting sex anymore and so on for months, but I've been so tired that I too wasn't bothered really (unusual for me). A couple of years ago one of her old school girl friends decided to set up a class reunion and she went for the night out,showed me photos and said who people were and so on. They have a Facebook page they chat on which she's shown me many times. Then about 6 months later she mentioned she'd been in touch via facebook with one of the guys who had been her boyfriend (who she lost her virginity to)when she was 17 (she is 48, I'm 52) & did I mind? I said I'd rather she didn't talk to him and she agreed not to.

So, it now turns out that despite that, they exchanged a couple of messages about their lives now, despite my request. Ive seen them and them hey are completely innocent, just that he's married,has grown up sons and what he does for a living. Then no more messages for over a year until the one she sends asking if he fancies meeting for a coffee some time...

So these 2 years-18 months on,she's had a couple of trips away to see our daughter at university while I worked on our house. That's fine. She's now confessed that when things got cold between us she eventually contacted this guy and met for coffee and chatted a few times.... then it turns out during the 2 trips to see our daughter,during the overnight stays she'd been with him having unprotected sex at a hotel. I had to run outside and I threw up,the horror and shock was so bad. She's told me that she felt she loved him and that I'd lost interest in her. Of course when she chatted at first,he's done the classic thing of being friendly and listening and no doubt sympathised etc to get into her pants - it's an old, old story and one I've seen happen with other people. She admitted things to me and rang him on Facebook messenger in front of me to tell him it was over. We were both in tears at this point and before she spoke I took the phone off her and spoke to him. As you can guess I warned him what I'd do if he ever contacted either of us again and he sounded immediately scared (which surprised me - like me he is ex army, though he was just an electrician while my job was more well, direct shall we say - turns out she'd told him this and they'd both been scared that I'd be violent or kill him! But the reality is he's not worth losing my job or liberty over - we have a 20 year old daughter who would be horrified if I went to jail,so that's not going to happen - though I admit that is the only reason). So he apologised to me and I told him to go back and treat his wife nice and that as I'm a reasonable guy, as long as he keeps his word and makes no contact,I'm not going to tell his wife, kids, employers and basically I won't burn his life down. He agreed and said he promised we'll never hear from him again. We shall see if he's intelligent enough to abide by it I suppose. But he sounded terrified on the phone). So, my wife and I have talked and talked. She has been surprised that apart from natural outbursts of anger my response has really been of despair, I've cried for near 2 days, I've barely slept for the nightmares I keep seeing of them having sex. She seems to have genuinely not realised how much I love her and has never seen me cry before. She's cried for most of the same time and we've had to hold it together as our daughter is home this week, but I know we both have red eyes and it must be obvious somethings wrong. My wife wants to go to counselling and is calling this morning to try and get it arranged for us. I want us to stay together but I don't know how you get past the fact this guy has "dirtied her" sexually as I see it. If they'd had protected sex I'd still be hugely upset of course, (he claims to have had a vasectomy like me she says) & apart from the obvious STD risk (she agrees to be tested), I don't know how the 20 years of our intimacy can ever feel the same. I felt that the longer you have sex together kind of the more special that unbroken bond is - even on a scientific level you come to share the same biome, which is actually a nice thing in my way of thinking. But now he has been there I dont know how I'll ever feel it's just us again. It makes me actually physically sick to think of it. Does anyone know how you stop the images in your head of them having sex? I'm only moments away from tears at any point in time and for the 2 nights now I've genuinely wished I could just die in my sleep to escape this pain.

[This message edited by Greyman at 6:40 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

Take a deep breath.

Your first task is to take care of you. Hydrate. Exercise as much as you can. Sleep as much as you can.

Go to The Healing Library (top left of this page) and read about The 180. The 180 is designed to give you psychological space so you can sort your head out.

While you're sorting out, have your wife read two things. First, print "Joseph's Letter" in The Healing Library and give it to her. Also, buy Linda MacDonald's "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and have her read that.

In the meantime, do NOT got to MC. You will want to go at some point in the future, but it will not be useful to you now.

Your current reality: your WW is the kind of woman who will make selfish, self-centered decisions. In response to you busting your ass to do something for your family, she will sneak around and fuck another man behind your back, unprotected, destroying your marriage, putting your health at risk, which means also putting your children at risk. You cannot ever go back to the marriage you thought you had. And would you even want that marriage back?

She has a broken moral compass. She needs to figure out what was broken, and fix it. She needs to make herself into somebody new, somebody you an respect and trust.

By the way, it is a mistake to not tell the BOW (the wife of the asshole who fucked your wife). If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you wish somebody had told you? Her health is also at risk if her husband is rawdogging it with other women. Further, she is living an unwitting lie. Be a good man, do the decent thing, tell her. And don't warn your WW or the POSOM before you do. Just tell her.

In addition, she could be a good ally to you as you gather information. Most WW's minimize and continue to lie about the extent of the A. What you believe now to be the occasional hook-up after they "re-connected" years after the reunion could very likely be an ongoing EA/PA dating all the way back to the reunion. Etc. Keep in mind that she is used to lying to you about the A. Lying is her default. And WW's, when caught, immediately go into "lie more" mode. They minimize in an effort to preserve their integrity. They go on deleting sprees, deleting message, pictures, texts, etc.

You can recover these, but you should in the first place warn her not to do this and demand complete transparent access to all her devices and all her accounts. You should require her to prepare a detailed written timeline of the A, which you can then compare to the messages, etc.

Greyman, sorry you had to find us :(

Good place to start is The Healing Library (yellow box top left) - there's a lot of info to read.

I'm little short on time nowadays, so quick thoughts about your situation.

First, there are no shortcuts in dealing with infidelity. It might seem there are (like rug-sweeping), but it will come to haunt you in the future. There are no quick ways to get rid of intrusive thoughts and images, especially if you are trying to R (reconcile) (it is too early for you to commit to that path yet). Some techniques might help and someone might point you to specific threads discussing it.

Listen to advice of the posters, who have been through what you are experiencing now. Some advice might seem harsh, but most of it is to help you navigate this shit storm, to get you out of infidelity.

As I understand, your WW (wayward wife) confessed to you. It's a good sign. However, even when confessing, most cheaters tend to minimize (how long A (affair) lasted, amount and kind of sex they had, etc.). It is important that you make sure you have all the information now. Any important facts that come out months later will reset your healing back to day one. It is called TT (trickle truth). Employ every technique you find to verify that you have full picture now (Swearing on you daughter's life that you have full truth now doesn't mean anything). Your WW must be ready to answer all your questions without minimization, without trying to spare you pain - nothing but the brutal truth. You might not realize that yet, but biggest trauma comes not from the sex they had, but from deceit and lies to cover it.

Get a copy of "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda MacDonnald. Read it yourself and give it to your wife.

Do not have sex with her until you are BOTH tested for STDs.

It might be good idea to consult with attorney to find out where you stand in a case of divorce (D). I understand that it sounds scary and you are in "I want to fix everything" mode, but this might not last and information is power. You need a lot of it now.

Eat what you can (might be difficult), drink a lot of water. Stay away from alcohol. Try to get some sleep, ask for aids from your doctor if you feel the need of it.

General consensus on this forum is that post DDay is much too early to seek marriage counseling (MC). In many cases MC had negative effect, because many aren't trained to deal with infidelity, so tend to encourage rugsweeping and try to go straight to "relationship problems" by ignoring biggest problem - infidelity. Relationship didn't cheat, your wife did. She must explore with IC (individual counseling) what allowed her to make such terrible decisions and what she must do to become safe partner for you should you decide to R. And you should see IC for yourself to help you deal with the trauma.

And the last thing. It doesn't matter what you promised AP (affair partner or OM - other man). The right thing to do would be to expose him to his wife (Other Betrayed Spouse). Not as revenge, but because by keeping their secret you become accomplice in their (AP and your WW's) crime, because OBS deserves right to make informed decisions about her life.

You will not be causing her pain. Her husband is. Contact OBS in a way that cannot be intercepted by her POS husband (FB and personal e-mail aren't good for this) and provide her with an evidence. Do not tell your WW you are doing this. And if POSOM (Piece of Shit Other Man) contacts your wife, it is on her to reject it (you cannot control that, desire to NC should come from your WW, not him).

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Sir, you need to inform the bastard's wife immediately. Otherwise you are a willing accomplice in the deception he is exerting toward her. That is not what an honorable & upstanding man does. If the other betrayed spouse had discovered their affair, wouldn't you want to know? Burn his life to the ground.

Do NOT go to MC. Marriage counseling is for marriage problems. Whatever problems you had in your M prior to her A, they are back seat now to the most pressing issue, which is your wifes infidelity. She need IC to work through the broken thinking that allowed her to rationalize cheating. She is NOT a safe partner and MC will not help that.

It is too early to make decisions about R. See an attorney. Find out what your legal rights or options are, just to be well informed as you make sense out of the shitstorm you have been given.

Tell the other man's spouse immediately. Out him. She too has a right to know and make choices about her life. Infidelity loved the cover of lies and secrecy.

Stay connect to this forum as you will get a wide variety of input, all from folks that have been through the same trauma you are going through.

I’m sorry you find your self here. You have been traumatized by your wife through this affair. Is she doing whatever it takes to restore the trust that she destroyed? What is she doing to be a safe partner ? No she cannot be trusted right now, she has proven to not be trustworthy.

Reconciliation is hard work. I would recommend reading some of the articles in The Healing Room. They are very helpful. Time will allow the images to fade.

I would reconsider not telling his wife. I did the same thing only to find out he was still trying to contact my wife! These cheaters have no integrity whatsoever. Tell his wife and don’t tell your wife you are doing it. It will give you another set of eyes on the situation. Chances are he will be too busy cleaning up his own mess to be worried about yours. Also the other mans wife deserves to know what is going on in her marriage.

Also , did you get tested for stds?

Give yourself 90 days to heal and steady your emotions before making any decision with respect to R or D. Read up on the 180 (which is to help you heal not punish her). See your attorney to find out what/how D impacts your plans.

You have just experienced a loss of your marriage and your wife. This woman is no longer the girl you married. Somewhere somehow she changed (or you never really knew her). DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS OR PROMISES AT THIS TIME. She's in a save herself/reputation/family mode which is not based on love or respect for you.

Understand that we always think our situation is different than the other betrayals. The ugly reality is that your reaction is typical ... and your wife is the typical cheater. Especially her words, excuses, tears.

Your appropriate response to her betrayal is not intuitive. Read up on the 180. You're find that the appropriate path to follow at this time is the same whether you ultimately D or R.

See your doctor for help sleeping and possibly for depression. You are likely to at some point experience symptoms of PTSD.

Can you provide us with a more detailed time line as to when the contact first started, escalation points, meet ups for sex, frequency of contacts and method of communication?

Why did she confess?

How far away does the OM live?

Does your wife work?

Are you or her financially dependent on each other?

How many kids at home?

Unfortunately, there is no way to stop thinking about it altogether, although you might explore some "Mindfulness" techniques to keep you engaged in the present. You can find information pretty readily online. It does help some when you can redirect your thoughts.

You've had a shock. Believe me, we all know and we've all been there. Right now, it's so important to take good care of yourself... eat right, sleep right, see your doctor to get tested for STDs and talk about stress management during this difficult time. Your doctor can probably also give you a referral to a good counselor. A good therapist can really help to emotionally process the trauma. See an attorney to find out what your options look like.

A couple of years ago one of her old school girl friends decided to set up a class reunion and she went for the night out,showed me photos and said who people were and so on. They have a Facebook page they chat on which she's shown me many times. Then about 6 months later she mentioned she'd been in touch via facebook with one of the guys who had been her boyfriend (who she lost her virginity to)when she was 17 (she is 48, I'm 52) & did I mind? I said I'd rather she didn't talk to him and she agreed not to.

So, it now turns out that despite that, they exchanged a couple of messages about their lives now, despite my request. Ive seen them and them hey are completely innocent, just that he's married,has grown up sons and what he does for a living. Then no more messages for over a year until the one she sends asking if he fancies meeting for a coffee some time...

One other thing leaps out at me... I'm no defender of affair partners, so unlike some people who excuse the AP as having "not made the vows", I actually expect human decency. These people know exactly what they're doing, and in your case, the OM is not only interloping on your marriage, he's cheating in his own. So yeah, he's a dirtbag. But I do want you to notice how many opportunities your WW had to walk away from this and chose to instigate instead.

Like many newly minted BS's, you're making excuses for your cheater. It's normal. We'd rather blame ourselves for not being available enough or blame the AP for poaching our mate. It's a tough thing in the beginning to put the blame where it belongs, on the cheater. She had a whole decision tree of choices she could have made if she was unhappy in the marriage. The decision to cheat is 100% on her. You can have 50% of the blame for the state of the marriage, but no more than that... and none of the blame for the infidelity. That's on her.

Take some time for yourself. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend who needs support and TLC. If you've got friends or family to stay with, take some time off and get away for a little while. If you don't feel up to that, it's okay. Just make sure you're being kind to yourself. Don't get pushed into a decision yet on what to do going forward. You'll need some time to absorb the shock before you chart a course.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:04 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

I've always wondered what the time frame for feeling unloved it seems 18 months even though the other half is busting their boiler to make life better for the rest of their lives together

sorry to hear you were exhausting your self greyman only to find out your heart was being torn in two

Its alot to take in when told of the betrayal but did wife tell you out of guilt or a return to what was her loyalty to you.

I hope you receive good guidance for you decision

Inform his wife. NOW.

Two things that must be done immediately: First inform his wife and burn his life to the ground. Second, put her out of the house. Tell her that everyone you know is going to find out. You are in pain? Let her experience the pain of wearing a scarlet A on her chest for being a goddamned idiot. Thats right, she was an idiot! Oh, I don't feel your love, so I will spread them for some other asshole. NFW. Get mad as hell, and let her see what she has done. Let her have fears.

Really sorry to have you join this club that no one wants to join. I think the advice you have been given is pretty sound. Here are my thoughts on this:

First, you must tell the betrayed other wife. Its the right thing to do morally and it will make you feel better that you did the right thing. You owe this guy nothing at all so tell her and send her any proof you have. Do not warn or tell anybody that you are going to do this and try and speak with her lest he intercept your mail or messages.

Next, you need to realise that no matter what you did or didnt do in your marriage, she made the choice to cheat. And it was a selfish and cruel act with no feeling for anyone else. She has a broken moral compass and that does not just get fixed because you caught her. Also you now know that she is an accomplished liar and so trust is always going to be an issue. She has to now jump through hoops to prove that she gets it (empathy) and truly is sorry for hurting you. And this has to be in actions not words and she is a million miles from this at the moment.

You also need to get all the details (the truth) from her before you know what it is you might have to forgive (if you do).

The mind movies will never completely go away - their effect will diminish over time (typically many years). And the trust levels will NEVER be the same. Are you prepared to live with this ?

If it were me, it would be a no brainer - I have four kids with my wife but I would dump her a$$ immediately if she did this - simply because I would not be able to live with this or like this.

However, you should give yourself enough time to decide what to do. But do tell the OBS - she deserve to know!

You’ll get plenty of comments and advice here.

My dear Sir, you are in shock! It will be months if not years before you recover. Please get IC for yourself. Your wife needs to go into IC, too, to work out why she is so broken.

You may never get the full truth. Cheaters are liars. And they minimise. A lot.

Mind movies don’t go away quickly. I’m sorry to tell you but you can’t undo what she’s done and it is up to her to heal you in this respect. It takes time to minimise the impact mind movies with have on you. Usually, and that all depends on how remorseful your spouse is, they will view the sex component of the affair in a few months as dirty. Unprotected sex? Most AP are unprotected. Unfortunately. Get tested. As should your wife.

Now, tell the bastard’s wife. For many reasons. Firstly, she needs to know with what scumbag she’s married to. Wouldn’t you want to know if you were in her position so you can make an informed decision about your life? Also, she needs to be tested. It appears her husband may have had other affairs. Unprotected sex. Your wife may have done the same. Do t be surprised if she has had other affairs. Polygraph her. You must also tell the bastard’s wife so as there are also another pair of eyes monitoring the “luv birds”. Thirdly, what do you owe the bastard that turned your life upside down? Why should he get away with ruining your life? Fuck him. You are sending him a message that he could possibly wreck another marriage and get away with it again. No mercy to cheaters. They must take responsibility for their actions. Otherwise they will repeat their actions again, if not with your wife with someone else’s.

Do not tell your wife that you will tell his wife. Blow the fucker’s life right up. I did the same. I asked the guy that had an affair with my wife not to tell anyone. I did that so I could gather all the evidence. Then I exposed him to his family. Wife, parents, siblings. He’s now ostracised by them and by all accounts is heading for a divorce and he will get burnt financially. There are consequences for sleeping with married women. He should have thought carefully what he was willing to lose. And did you know his wife told me that she suspected he had cheated on her many times. I gave her the evidence about the other times too because cheaters like to brag to their APs. There you go... The bastard thought he’d get away with it with me. LOL What a fool. I blew his life right up. Karma.

As for your wife: she has a lot of work to do. The affairs is 100% her fault. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY. It is on her to make you feel safe and wanted. And that takes time because trust is built on actions over years. Actions not words.

Dear Sir, your wife is a liar and a cheat. Believe us here when we tell you she isn’t telling you the whole truth. She may trickle truth you for months and this will drive you crazy. Her recent affair may not have been her only one. She will only tell you what she thinks you may know.

Now, lastly, please gain access to her phone and all her social media and email accounts. She must surrender them to you. This is a price she will pay for her infidelity and breaking your trust. There is no more privacy for her except the toilet. And she can leave her phone on the bathroom bench when she goes. If she has an android phone, check her whereabouts on google maps. Also her search requests. It will give you a lot of information about her whereabouts. If she has an iPhone you can do the same. Ask for help from us in this respect. You need to feel secure that you have been given the majority of the truth about what she did and her phone will be able to be a tool to verify what she is telling you is correct.

If you decide to reconcile, it will take months or even years. It’s a rollercoaster and one hell of a ride. Good luck. Please give us updates regularly so we can help you.

[This message edited by Mene at 9:32 AM, October 29th (Monday)]

Sorry to hear about your situation Grey.

I notice you're putting a lot of the blame on the OM. Your wife is the one who contacted the OM and she's the one who arranged the hookups. The OM went along for the ride but she was the one driving your and his marriages into the ditch. In every cheating situation the woman makes the final decision whether to spread her legs or not. No man can force her without facing jail time. This is all on her.

Sorry that you're here, as others have said you need to inform OBS of the A, it's the right thing to do, like LtCdrLost said, don't become an accomplice to their huge betrayal, plus you will get a second set of eyes to help ensure NC on his part, the second thing you need to do is EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, she needs to apologize to them too and of course the first person should be your daughter, it would be a life lesson for her, take your time, consult an attorney and see what divorce looks like (this may be a dealbreaker for you) and also ask the attorney about a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor (she cheats again you get the lion's share of assets if you D because of another infidelity), your WW is now a proven CHEATER and a LIAR, she willingly risked your life repeatedly by exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs.

Her A is 100% her fault, you were in the same M and you didn't cheat, problems in the M you own 50/50, the A is 100% on her, she made the vows to you, not the OM, remember that and DO NOT accept any blame for her huge betrayal.

So any time you get busy and don't dote on her she's going to go to another man's bed? Wow, that's a lot of pressure to live under. I wouldn't want to live like that.

Greyman,, so sorry to get another member here, but you have found the right place.

I will agree with all out the previous posters about just about everything.

Expose to his wife. That will almost guarantee nothing further will ever happen. He'll be too busy trying to save his own ass, instead of thinking up ways to sneak around, and she deserves to know. You would want the same thing if she found out first.

MC is way to premature at this point. IC for her is fine, but make no guarantees about the marriage at this point, because.....

You may not have all the facts. I can promise you that you don't know all the details because cheaters ALWAYS lie and minimize.

I would have her sit down and write a timeline of what exactly happened. Then I would construct a list of 50 questions or so, of questions about facts and details for her to answer, the where, what time of day, what she did after, what gifts were given, what she revealed about your marriage, why she deemed the risks were acceptable, how many others were there, did she attempt other affairs that were refused, who else knows about her affair, etc.

( I had a list somewhere). Look for inconsistencies.

The only recommendation I have reservations about is telling everybody. This, if YOU decide to Reconcile, may be more detrimental than helpful, at least at this point. The threat to do so, ( obvious or implied) may help you get the real truth. The "real truth" meaning the 70% that you can hope to actually get.

For me, knowing exactly what happened and where I was starting from was the minimum I needed to see if R was even possible.

This does get better if the WW is willing to come clean. Understanding that your wife is flawed is a starting place.

Good luck, my friend.

Almost split down the middle here on opinions. I think the only thing I might get infuriated about is if he answered back to me trashing me saying that I couldn't satisfy her or something along those line.

I forgot one thing.

The kicking her to the curb for some period. A couple of weeks, or a couple of months. I didn't do this, although I still have doubts that it might have been one of my biggest mistakes.

I can't tell you if this would help or hurt. I don't feel, in retrospect, that she paid any appreciable "price" for adultery.

I tend to believe that living with her mother, or friend, or in a hotel for some amount of time, away from her comfortable home, her kids, her routine, might have driven home the point of the magnitude of her actions. I'm of the opinion it would have made the following months and years easier, and she would have gotten a glimpse of life without me as her husband.

Could she have never came back? Sure, but her wondering whether or not I was going to let her might have made all the difference. If she didn;t come back, I'd be happily remarried by now.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:12 PM, October 29th (Monday)]