SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll try to keep things brief...

Found out my wife was out at club for girls night as well as one of my best friends and his girlfriend when I was out of town. I knew about night and assumed she would have fun and besides my friend is there. But found out she was dirty dancing and hanging all over someone the whole night. My buddy and his GF were stunned! Right in front of them and her girlfriends! My friend got his first name and I searched her FB friends and had my friend identify the guys pic. I played it cool and searched her texts and found out they had met a couple weeks ago when my wife said she was shopping (thought it strange she was not home for an hour after I got home from work.

I could have forgiven a drunkin' mistake (as she was drinking a lot) but now they met for a late lunch/early happy hour and then she lied about it. Their texting itself was rather benign (no sexy stuff just him calling her baby and mostly just hello). My wife has lots of male friends (many I have met) and I am not jealous and rather trusting (up until now).

She recently was away on business so I ransacked the house looking for more evidence and ran across several old journals. I was reluctant to read since they pre-dated our relationship but though I could get insight into type of person she is as we were both married before.

Found out she carried on a 15+ year affair with someone she claimed, before our marriage, was a friend and they dated briefly after her divorce. Turns out she lived a double life (in love with OG and her husband). But having him join her on her "girls trips" yet not sure her girlfriends even knew. I think she would sneak away to be with him (at another hotel maybe) right under their noses. Anyways, I also learned a great deal about my wife and somewhat now understand why she is how she is. She was once

lacking self-confidence and now she is super independent and over-compensates. So journal was helpful to learn about her more but obviously feel bad about the invasion of privacy but I needed to know the real her.

To get to the point, I have not confronted her yet as I am still gathering some recon to see how serious this current affair (or one/two night stand) may be. I do not want to assume that her previous affair with ex means she will do this to me but I am concerned she has emotional issues/guilt from that (her ex and no one knows except me, her, and her ex I believe) is causing her to miss out on the love and affection I am offering her and she is used to running to an affair rather than working on issues with us. She recently came out the blue and said she was unhappy for a couple months and I was not even aware!? I'm not perfect but how about a heads-up and a talk with your hubby about what's nagging you.

My question, when I confront her about what I know about the fling she's having now, should I mention I am aware of all the years she's run a double-life? I love her and would be willing to make things work but wondering if counseling could help us as well and to help her to deal with the years of deceit? I know I should not mix her previous marriage and secret writings in with what's going on today, but I feel its an issue she cannot shake. Making her confront it could help us.

We have been married a couple years and we do fight from time-to-time but we have much passion and care for each other. I think if she knew she had been had that she could address those issues in counseling (assuming she's willing to save marriage).

I thought I could also possibly confide this to my counselor (again assuming we decide to go) and see if they think it would be a good idea to address since I believe it is the cause of her overcompensation coping mechanisms. However, she will be pissed that I snooped in her things to that degree.

BTW, I have done much reading online and am calm and prepared to confront her when the time is right and I even think I would be willing to forgive her if she reacts in a positive manner. Yet, her past affair has me worried she is someone who may not have enough respect fot the sanctity of marriage but is instead a selfish person. This despite her being overly giving person to people she barely knows (over-compensation).

Any advice?

Past history is the best predictor of future actions.

Seems like the same pattern from what you've posted.

You can't fix her. It also seems like you're in a bit of denial of what you're dealing with.

Better wake up

There's no such a thing as privacy in a marriage other than toilet time, so don't feel bad for "snooping", she doesn't feel bad about flirting and disrespecting you, so throw that out the window.

Yes, she's cheating on you, it wasn't a coincidence that the guy was there at the club, she told him she would be there, she's been talking to OM behind your back, that alone is cheating but it may have gotten physical already or it will be very soon, after all she has a 15 year plus experience on how to cheat but I fear you may not have enough to confront yet.

Do you have access to her phone ?, turn off your phone then tell her you lost it and need to make an important phone call to work, once you have it unlocked in your hands go to the bathroom and lock the door, go through her text message history and look for apps like WhatsApp, Kik or Snapchat, if you find evidence, take screen shots and text them to your number. You can also get a couple of VARs (Voice Activated Recorder) and place one in her car and another in the bedroom; you can also tell her you're going out of town again, stay, borrow or rent a car and follow her, or hire a PI to do it if you can afford it, never reveal your sources, she may journal about her current A soon.

You had cause to snoop so dont make ANY excuse for it. besides it shows weakness when you do.

I think this is far worse than you make it out to be. She has gotten away with it for years. your entire history together is likely one big shamble. Based on past actions you have zero reason to trust her. She could have had more secret rendezvous that you dont know about and this is just the surface being scratched. The fact that she is so open about this escapade indicates complete disrespect for you and the institute of marriage. You obviously aren't seen as an alpha male in her yes. I urge you to grow a pair, show your passion and fire when you kick her out and divorce her cheating ass.

I realize that patterns probably repeat. I have access to her devices easily. That's how found about she was texting him. Too bad she took her pad on business trip as I could see all her texts. This weekend will do a full scan of texts while she is out with her sister who's in town for an event (I do know this to be a fact). But I'll see what kind of additional texting has been going on since. Also will see if she's discussing with close friends about it.

I'd probably confront her on the cheating and ask her leading questions -- did you cheat on your last husband? see if she is being truthful

I'm find with you reading her journal but telling her you read it will derail the real conversation which is the fact that she is cheating on you. she will spend the whole time calling you controlling... and end up blaming the affair on you reading her journal. I doesn't make sense but what will happen.

She has been double dipping for more than 15 years. This is who she is now. I think it would take a herculean effort for her to change. You have only been married for a few years and you don’t have children together. If you confirm there is a current sexual affair then you should probably just walk away. Never reveal your sources of information, just use it to fact check and see if she is lying.

I missed the part that you have been married for just a couple of years with no children, you obviously didn't have that info about her 15 year A on her previous M, now that you KNOW this info, I suggest you seriously consider cutting your losses now, as someone who's capable of lying thousands of times and disrespecting a husband for 15 years and now this, is really no good wife material, get your ducks in a row and consult a D attorney now to sort out the financial aspect of it, I understand if you want to wait on confirmation of the A over the weekend, but honestly you already do have enough, even if it's just an EA that hasn't gone PA just yet, it's like watching a horror movie in slow motion and knowing how it will end, if your friends had not been at the club with her that night I can almost guarantee you she would have had sex with OM; and stop having sex with her, she could be exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs, in fact go get tested just in case.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:01 PM, November 16th (Friday)]

Making her confront it could help us.

You cannot control her. She'll only change if SHE wants to. Not the other way around.

Serial cheaters are just a time-bomb ticking. And it sounds like she's already starting. I would seriously consider cutting your losses. No one could blame you for not really knowing her background.

Either way be prepared for a shit storm. You've already received some great advice. I would further advise you to carefully consider all of it. Yes, all people and marriages are different. But around here we can practically predict where every story will end. Cheaters all behave in the same way. BS's (Betrayed Spouses) also behave in the same way too. We're here to guide you and help you not make all of the typical mistakes.

Confront but never disclose your sources. Unless she absolutely begs you to stay married, I'd say this is a lost cause. You'd be saving yourself a lot of time and pain by letting her go and running in the opposite direction.

Read "The Tactical Primer" at the top of this forum. There's a wealth of knowledge on confronting and how to react.

Really sorry you're here, man. Good luck.

[This message edited by squid at 7:37 PM, November 16th, 2018 (Friday)]

Sorry if I missed it. Do you have prof that she slept with him?

Good luck with confrontation

You can tell her you know she cheated on her ex with him, but DO NOT tell her how you know. If she pushes, tell one

Of her friends told you.

I’d tell her she she must go no

Contact or take poly

Good luck.

Stay strong

Honestly in this case, I’m not sure I would bother with a confrontation other than letting her know that you now know about her past and present infidelities, and that you can’t stay with her anymore...of course this would be after she is served D papers.

Seriously, would you have married her if you knew she was a serial cheater?

I don’t think you would have, so why would you want to stay with her now?

I do not want to assume that her previous affair with ex means she will do this to me but I am concerned she has emotional issues/guilt from that (her ex and no one knows except me, her, and her ex I believe) is causing her to miss out on the love and affection I am offering her and she is used to running to an affair rather than working on issues with us.

What?!!?

her previous affair with ex means she will do this to me

But she is doing it to you

I am concerned she has emotional issues/guilt from that (her ex and no one knows except me, her, and her ex I believe) is causing her to miss out on the love and affection I am offering her and she is used to running to an affair

Dude what are you talking about? She cheated on her ex and now is doing it to you. Dress it up, spray perfume on it, put it in a nice house but an affair is an affair, and cheating is cheating.

I don't equate how emotional issues equal dancing with another man in front of friends or not accepting "the love you're offering"

komatoz, I'm sorry you are here.

Your post is all over the place.

Your wife is not some damsel in distress that needs rescuing.

She is not the victim here, you are.

I could have forgiven a drunkin' mistake (as she was drinking a lot) but now they met for a late lunch/early happy hour and then she lied about it. 

What???

If she's drinking too much it's probably because of the affair. It's not a mistake or an excuse.

When my wife was in her affair, she ws drinking all the time as well. It helps them compartmentalize.

Dude, wake up. Confront her and don't reveal your sources.

Don't offer marriage counseling. Your marriage isn't an issue. It's her. She needs Independent Counseling.

I won't tell you to run or stay. I will tell you this much, she won't change without doing a lot of work on herself. Most cheaters aren't willing to do the work.

The waywards on this site are an exception to the rule.

You need to see remorse, transparency and true sorrow for what's she's caused you and i presume her XH.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:16 AM, November 17th (Saturday)]

My advice is a little different.

I would not confront until you have a chance to investigate a little more. Gather more evidence of what is happening now. If she is an experienced cheater she will lie and deny anyway. So confrontation now will not get you the truth.

I agree with those who say past behavior is a good indicator of present/future behavior. If you wife cheated on her previous husband, she is comfortable cheating again - especially if she got away with it.

Check all the devices and texts when you can and get the VARs.

You could put a VAR in her car to get more information

Thanks everyone for all the responses. I am taking each under advisement. I was able to spend a couple hours in her device this weekend. Did not find too much damning evidence. Just a couple short hello-type texts from the OM. Did find a pic she took that night with the OM and the time it was taken. I took some time to create a timeline for myself that I can fill-in as I find details. I did not see any conversations with GFs about that night!? So, I assume she did not discuss. She told her sibling that she met a nice guy who got her out of a bind with her bill that night. So I can see she has not even confided this to her sibling. Just some texts about her unhappiness with me. Due to circumstances surrounding the up-coming holiday, I am waiting to confront her and have been treating her just like the man she met. In my eyes, our issues are rather minimal (I know what you're going to say - we do have issues both her and I - but nothing so bad it could not be worked) so it was easy for me to be a little extra nice which I assume she must be missing since I know what stuff she was complaining to her friends about? I am not perfect but knowing what she needs (even though she would not tell me) makes it easy for me to make the adjustment. But rather than voice her feelings she ran to some "friend" who now seems like he thinks he may be able to have her for his own if he plays his cards right. So, I am killing her with kindness for now and continuing to monitor her texts, phone calls, and her whereabouts. Knowledge is power and now I have the upper hand and can monitor and document all I can and be very diligent. I have pics of all texts, all pertinent journal entries, etc. - just in case. Believe me, I WILL confront her in a week or so but not after I have been the best husband she can imagine. I want the guilt to kill her when she finds out I know. I really want to see her reaction to this before I decide what to do permanently. But, I AM

a person who dots his I's and crosses his T's. I have a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C. Plan A is confront her, see if she's remorseful, lay down new boundaries, get couples counseling, and let our counselor decide what to do with the information about her previous marriage affair as I do think (after reading her journals) she could use some personal counseling. I will keep that litte piece of information secrete for the time being. Plan B is she is too proud to admit she's wrong and wants out of marriage. I will then let her know I am aware of her previous transgressions and will use this "leverage" to get a much sweeter divorce deal as there are many people who would be very hurt by her previous actions. I know what buttons I will need to push here. Plan C is she says F-it and decides to go ballistic in some way and we have a nasty divorce. I will then exact my revenge by sending a well-authored account of her previous LTA (and the one with me) to everyone of her friends, close family, adult children, and her ex-husband as well as her ex-lover (yes I know the guy) and all his friends who were also duped for many years. Mind you, I am not sadistic and I do love my wife still and would hate for it to come to this. But, I have all the snapshots of proof I need should I ever need to adopt a "Scorched Earth" policy.

Now, I expect some of you may have your comments about WTF am I thinking. Trust me, I am a level headed guy who has been given amble time to process this information and I actually feel more confident than ever no matter what the outcome. If things look like they won't work, I am fine with walking. I they do work, I am willing to my part to be the best husband I can be but there WILL be new ground rules and I will trust -- but verify! If the shit hits the fan, I am also prepared to get as nasty as necessary should the need arise.

Right now, I am no hurry as I can monitor and document with her knowing none the wiser and can make her ability to find the time to cheat to be a challenge since I'm one step ahead of her. I look forward to feedback to digest and will keep posted as things develop.

I like your planning and thoroughness. I like that you have contingency plans ready. You are level headed. But IMO you are missing a salient point. Nothing you have done or haven’t done caused your WW to spend time with the OM. Nothing. You could be the nicest, most attentive H in the world and it wouldn’t matter, she would still cheat. She is broken.

What you are planning is called the “pick me dance” and it always fails. Every time. Your WW will just see it as pathetic and weak. The OM will just appear stronger in her eyes. Just be yourself. Read about the 180. She can’t be niced back. By trying this you are just putting yourself in a weaker position. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:31 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

Please don't do the "pick me dance" It NEVER WORKS, you can't "nice her back to you", I know that you possibly think your case is unique but the only thing unique is that it happened to you, yes every case is different but cheaters typically follow a particular pattern, we call it the "Cheater's Handbook", once you confront her she will try to minimize it, "he's just a friend", "you have nothing to worry about", this is called "gaslighting", she will probably blameshift and probably rewrite the M history, we see it repeat over and over again here in SI.

Looks like you have solid evidence, she's talking to OM behind your back, that alone is cheating, it's possible it has not gone physical yet, just an EA (Emotional Affair) but if it has not, it could happen at anytime, yes you will have the ability to monitor her activities but if you find out after the fact, wouldn't you like to have a had a shot at stopping the A before she had sex with him ?, an EA is bad enough but a PA comes with the dreadful "mind movies" that will haunt you for years if you decide to R.

I would confront now before it's too late and right before thanksgiving for maximum impact for guilt and embarrassment, the longer you wait the deeper she gets into the A, the fog and the feelings for OM, see in order for her to come out of the fog faster she needs to HATE the A and not think of it as "something beautiful and romantic", nothing kills an A faster and shatters that "beautiful thing" than FULL EXPOSURE with all family and close friends.

Yeah, this is the pick-me dance. Your WW’s complaints were just marital rewrite, she’s justifying her A not only to family/friends but in her mind. Once you fix A, B & C, she’ll move on to D,E & F, the issues have nothing to do with you. Your WW had a 15 year A, that is a way of life, what she knows to be normal, being in a monogamist relationship is abnormal to her, please don’t believe you’re on top of this.

Another point you are missing is you don’t have to, AND SHOULD NOT, give up your sources. It does not matter how you found out about the prior A. The fact is it happened and you now know.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:13 PM, November 19th (Monday)]