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NotTheManIwas (original poster member #69209) posted at 1:50 PM on Sunday, December 30th, 2018
@destroyed1, thanks man. I'll get on that suggested reading. And the encouragement is much appreciated.
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:10 PM on Sunday, December 30th, 2018
I agree with destroyed1. HB is definitely a step forward if you intend to stay with her. Enjoy it. The books are excellent. Take care of you first. As long as you’re there keep communicating.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
NotTheManIwas (original poster member #69209) posted at 10:43 PM on Sunday, December 30th, 2018
@fareast, thank you, brother. Again, the encouragement is much appreciated.
Been wondering, question for you and anyone interested in entertaining it. I've found that I'm most effective at these chats when I remain composed , and to do that, I've taken the approach not unlike when raising my sons during their adolescent years. That is to 'see' them as non-adults while channeling my inner 'counselor.' The trouble is that while I'm in the moment, I've trouble not 'seeing' my wife, or the wife I thought that I had. My brain keeps hijacking how I see her which is to speak to her as if she's another adult, and more specifically, my co-equal partner in the room. True mind-fuckery. Anyone incorporating some Jedi Mind Tricks they can share to keep the brain calibrated right?
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 12:06 AM on Monday, December 31st, 2018
By far and away conversing in a composed way will be most effective for both of you. If you have to role play and believe she is a teenager in order to accomplish this, it’s all good. Whatever works for you to at least be able to converse. It’s been over a year so the walls have been built up. She sounds like she gets defensive at times with typical blameshifting and rugsweeping. There are ways to assert yourself without yelling and shutting down the entire conversation. Learn to say: “ I’m sorry you feel that way.” And add of course there are no rationalizations that justify breaking our vows. It does not have to be an in your face thing. Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
LivingWithPain ( member #60578) posted at 10:45 PM on Monday, January 21st, 2019
She's your WW. If you want to have sex with her then have sex with her. But treat it as just that: a physical release. Tell her the HB means nothing and that it is not indicative that you desire to save the marriage. You are scratching her itch and she's scratching yours.
Keep it separate from the rest of the process.
Me - 39; WW - 36
Married 13 years
1 Adopted Son age 18
Still married and living together: attempting to reconcile.
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