SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a wayward beginning my 3rd year after DDay #2. I am finally gaining an understanding of the “real” work and the am starting to put together some of my missing pieces. Most days I come here searching, but for the longest time I couldn’t figure out what I was searching for. It dawned on me recently what I have been searching for all along…..hope. Hope that my family will survive this. Hope that good will come from all the bad choices and destruction I brought on my marriage and my husband. Unfortunately, we are no longer married, so I no longer have the privilege of calling him that.

Most days when I come here, I find something to ignite that hope. A random comment, words of inspiration, something that resonates within me and gives me encouragement to continue on this journey. I have taken a lot from this community and haven’t contributed much. I always question is what I have to say important and does anyone really want to read my rambling thoughts. The more I have mulled this over, it dawned on me who am I to determine what may help someone else. So, I wanted to share something I read recently that really struck a chord with me, in hopes that it may do the same for someone else.

I have been reading Just Friends and now that I am halfway through the book, I’m frustrated with myself for not reading it sooner. I have picked it up and put it down several times in the past 2 years, never getting past the first couple of chapters. I don’t know that I would have gotten the same meaning out of it then, that I am now. I have to remind myself that this is my journey, to slow down and live in the moment, there is no rush to the finish line. Now to the whole reason for this post….This is the passage that really stood out to me:

On a good day, when things are going well, I am committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I am committed to my marriage. An on a day when things aren’t so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitment.

It seems like such a simple concept, but I failed at it miserably. I destroyed the commitment that was not just to my husband, or to my family, but also to myself. I never went into my marriage with the intentions of being unfaithful. My parents had a strong marriage and I thought I knew what marriage was all about. I realize now, I went into my marriage as naïve, self-centered, and with no concept of true loyalty to my husband and my marriage. Looking back, it’s easy to see now how I would have protected the marriage. After reading this passage, I know this is what I am striving for. The commitment to be faithful, loyal, and most importantly honest in all parts of my life. If you are ready to ask yourself some hard questions Just Friends has been a great resource for me.

Thanks for sharing that HS.

There was at time after dday, that I turned inward and I felt deeply that I betrayed myself first. It's where so much of my desire to change came from. I too had to take a look at my values. I guess it was something I thought would just do it's thing and keep me straight. Forget integrity what's that ?

That is a great quote! Thank you so much for sharing. I've been digging deep into Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfections" and I'd like to share 2 quotes from that book for others as well that seems so simple now looking back.

"Love is not something we give or get; it is nurtured and grown."

"We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare."

Plus her idea that we must CHOOSE to practice love each day, that it's not just a feeling, came to mind when you talked about commitment from the book.

This book has been a blessing to me in my journey inward to try and heal and get to the root causes of the selfish actions and disregard of my morals and integrity.

Thank you for sharing!

[This message edited by ElZorro at 2:58 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Thanks for the sharing. I'm in pain right now cause I'm a married man obsessed with a single woman 24 years younger. Luckily, I don't believe she's attracted to me romantically (she very much values our friendship but that's it). But the pain is just unbearable... like my heart is being eaten bit by bit. But for my family, I just have to power through it...

josephlin101 - if I could go back in a time machine to when I was tempted and avoid this slippery slope / Pandora’s box I would.

I have 2 daughters and a stepdaughter that I lost due to not doing my inward search and being unauthentic and not being honest. Not one single of the women I talked to was worth losing my family over but because of weak temptations, poor integrity, loose morals and failure to admit my shame and shortcomings i Gave in.

This is me going back in a time machine to say it’s not worth it. It’s not worth the “hit” or “high”. Instead use that energy and obsession on looking inward and finding out what you’re missing and where that void is and you can do to repair it.

Stay strong.

ElZorro, thank you for your words. I hope everything is alright with you.

She used to work for me for a brief period of time before moving away, and we simply communicated through emails. Everything was alright until about a couple months ago, when my feeling toward her started to burn hotter, and we emailed way more frequent. I'm also helping her figuring out her career, she's relying on my opinions.

Now, every minute of waiting for her reply is a hell falling on me. I must end this nonsense on my part and not hurt her. If there's a higher power please help me.