HeHadADoubleLife, I feel like you could be the female version of me. My exWW's affair was an exit affair. I didn't know about it at all until we had already separated and she had moved the OM into my house. There was no chance for R even if either of us had wanted to try. She found herself a new husband and set herself up to transition from one to the next as seamlessly as possible, and only got caught because I decided one day to ignore her wishes not to come to the house without contacting her first and found some mail addressed to a man whose name I had never seen before.
Like your husband, my ex blamed me for everything wrong with our marriage while hiding her affair. During the separation but before DDay, I spent so much time texting and calling her to try and convince her to work things out with me even though I thought she was so completely wrong in blaming me for all our problems.
Oh, and did I mention she was already pregnant with the OM's kid when she told me she wanted a divorce?
My DDay was right before Thanksgiving, and right after our sixth anniversary. The holidays that year were the most miserable time of my life. It's been a little over three years now and I still find no joy in the season. I hate that she robbed me of that. I hope one day I can find that joy again.
I went through a phase where I was so bitter and cynical. I thought I'd never trust again. I swore I'd never get married again. I assumed the worst about everyone else's relationships.
Like you, I've been envious of those who are in or attempting R. Not because I'd take my exWW back, but because it would've been better than what I went through. I was replaced as if I was nothing more than a tool. I see some of the WWs here who realize they've done something unforgivable but are throwing themselves completely into trying to make it right and showing their BSes the love and respect they always deserved and I just wish mine had acted similarly. Instead, like you, I was thrown away like garbage.
Recovery for me didn't come quickly or easily. I didn't have the sense to seek out support groups like this one at the time and I didn't read any affair-related literature. I mistakenly believed that since my marriage was over, there was no point. I just needed to move on. I think the only reason I recovered as well as I did was because I had a good support system outside of my exWW. My mother and my brother were amazingly supportive. All of our mutual friends from the marriage took my side and most cut my exWW off completely. Even her parents, though they obviously weren't going to disown their daughter, were appalled at what she had done and helped make sure she was cooperative and fair in divorce and have been invaluable in helping us co-parent. They were happy to act as a go-between during those first months when I was simply unprepared to be in the same room as her without going nuclear on her in front of DD.
Getting back into my hobbies helped too. I was an avid golfer as a teenager and in college but had to curtail the time I spent on it significantly after DD was born. I spent a lot of time playing during the weeks I didn't have her and I've kept it up to this day. It's very therapeutic.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this is helpful to you but I want you to know you're not the only one who's been through this. I know what it is to love someone and then be tossed aside as if I were nothing. I'm so sorry you're going through this too.
