Justwow stated mindset of an A very well.
Collapsed, you're not the first BS, to be the first to be given advice and refuse to follow it (l doubt you will be the last).
In the upper right is a single smiley face, select and read mine.
No, my story isn't exactly like yours, but the underlying themes stay the same. The AP lie to each. Both parties in an A are selfish & self-absorbed.
I won't kick this around too much, my OBS caught them at their A 2 months before, didn't tell me.
Do you know what changed? Nothing, they just no longer used his house.
I can't convey to you the immense pain I had to go through knowing in my gut, something was wrong and couldn't prove it. It ended when I finally caught them. I simply told her I done. I was no longer in this M.
IMO, your WWs A is still going on, and continues to get stronger, time isn't on your side. The longer this goes on, the worse it gets,
You may not see it yet, but you lose yourself as this goes on. Fear can suffocate you, only if you let it.
IMO, not telling the OBS right now will hurt you in the future. I'm not talking about immediate future, no much further out. I know is happening to you right now, but have thought about a year out, and the A is still going? OM is probably divorced, and free to do anything he wants
2yrs out, what's left of your M is dead or dying, and has taken a toll on not only you but your kids.
Kids are more observant than you think; they will see the signs of a dying M. What will you teach them.
This real life saga will unfold in a predictable way with slight variations. I'm sorry you are going to have to live through it, and years later live with the choices you made during.
Keep this thread and read it next year, and maybe 3 yrs after that. Will you be ok with how you handled it or angry.
You may find what people were saying to you in a different light.
When this happened to me, this site doesn't exist, I will later come here, and see what happened to me, wasn't so unique at all. All of it was quite predictable.