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Later this year we will hit the 40 year mark since our marriage... and I'm pretty sure WW will want to make some kind of big lovey dovey deal out of it... AND I'm just not feeling it.

Hers was a LTA. The PA portion was between 2 and 3 years in length - the EA? I have no idea, probably at least several years before the affair turned physical. That's a pretty bug chunk out of the marriage.

So what the hell am I celebrating? In my mind, our M ended when she broke her vows. She loved him - I've seen a couple of her letters to him. He visited our home when I was away on business... he slept in our bed, they showered together in our shower, he met and befriended my kids.

I stayed mostly because of my kids - I didn't want that (or some other) slime ball being around them if I D and was out of the picture. I also stayed for financial reasons - why should I reward her (and him) with half+ of all that I had worked for?

After Dday I requested a list of all the places they went, and I wanted a complete timeline. I also wanted her to plan a second marriage ceremony for us. I got none of it.

Not sure what I'm looking for with this post - maybe I just needed to vent a bit.

Tell her she can gift you with the timeline. Don’t let her make this anniversary about her.

I stayed mostly because of my kids - I didn't want that (or some other) slime ball being around them if I D and was out of the picture. I also stayed for financial reasons - why should I reward her (and him) with half+ of all that I had worked for?

I read some of your posts. It sounds as though you are still not healed. How old are your kids?

I would also tell her how you feel about celebrating the anniversary. Be honest with her instead of eating yet another shit sandwich.

I can relate, my 40 is coming up next year. Our situations are very similar. My wife's LTA was 8 yrs,( plus others), kids, finances, all of that.

I don't celebrate anniversaries, or much of anything anymore. As much as you try to ignore it, you can't help but realize a good chunk of your life was a fraud. There's a difference between a drunken mistake one time stupid act, and an ongoing fantasy with the effort and premeditation required.

I have little constructive advice other than keep talking and let her know what's in your head. If you're lucky she will do the same.

Thanks everyone - I think I just needed to vent a little.

I don't think we even made it to 15 years before her EA was in full swing. But, oh well. This is my life, complaining about it won't make a difference.

For the most part I'm content with my life. I'm retired, and now write books. I have 3 on Amazon, and am about to release a 4th, and that makes me happy. I have motorcycles in the garage and take long road trips every summer. And if nothing else, I'm pretty sure my cat loves me.

The anniversary will be like walking into a pig sty. I'll just hold my nose and get through it.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 12:09 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

I know what I'm about to say may not be helpful.

But don't you think life is more than money? The world is beautiful ( nature I mean). Just go out and enjoy the world. Practice self love everyday. It's the best kind of love. Staying for the kids or money is wrong ig? Idk. Each to his own.

I wish you all the best. You got one life dude. Life is the most precious gift in the entire universe and you chose to spend that priceless divine sacred gift with ur ww.That itself is an incredible act of love and she threw it away. I think it's time you enjoy the hell out of YOUR LIFE.

and did she face any consequences at all? I mean showers together and sleeping in the marital bed is villainous. DISRESPECTFUL AND DISGUSTING. I have no idea how you could stay.

Look man, own your life. YOU GET ONLY ONE.

But then again easier said than done.

Good luck man.

[This message edited by Cule at 12:13 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

@Cule.

I grew up poor. Criminal parents, FOO abandoned me when they got arrested. Friends abandoned me. Spent time in Juvie (which wasn't bad), then foster care (which WAS bad), then ran away and lived on the street for 3 years (13 - 15 yo).

My view of money differs from others due to my background. For me, money = safety. I would rather die than be poor again. And so, while D remains an option, it isn't one I take lightly.

Make plans for yourself on your anniversary. Something that gets you out of the house early. Maybe a long motorcycle ride to visit and old friend. Then just get up on your anniversary and do what you want. After all, isnt that what your WW has done?

Or, in the alternative, use the day to be honest with her. "Often, I wish I had a do-over and we had divorced back when I found out. I am content in this life, but I do not have love and wish I could have felt love again before I die."

In other words, you should own the day, in your authentic way.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:55 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Our 30th was last summer, and after finding out about 9 years of my H's romps with f#$% buddies, I wasn't going to go through with the charade of a celebration of the day we married. I scheduled a dinner with our realtor and his family for that night. Didn't ask H, just did it. I've told him since then I will never celebrate another anniversary with him, since his actions meant that we actually weren't married for those years. He hasn't said a word about it since.

Do your kids and family know about her affair?

I would not celebrate another anniversary with her.

Instead you should reward yourself with a "perseverance present" each year on what used to be your anniversary day. Go out and buy yourself something really nice. Splurge on yourself. To hell with her.