@truthsetmefree
The point I was trying to make goes a little beyond just “sitting with the pain”.
I absolutely agree with that! In fact I would say it goes exponentially beyond just sitting with the pain.
I really don't feel like I explained things very well in my initial response, so I will expand on what my experience with self-growth after trauma has looked like, to paint a clearer picture.
Like I said, learning to sit with the pain, was important for me. I had a life long history of trying to numb, avoid or put an end to the pain.
So for me, learning to not avoid or run from the pain was an important first step.
Equally important was learning how to regulate my emotions. In the first year and a half after dday I lashed out often. I was verbally and physically abusive to BetterFuture13 and at nearly four months out from dday I tried to end my life with an overdose of antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and alcohol - winding up in the hospital for a week.
Sitting with the pain and all of these overwhelming feelings of abandonment, hurt, shame, anger, rage, resentment, disappointment, guilt, etc. felt unbearable and I was a complete mess. And not only was I dealing with BetterFuture13's betrayal, but I was also dealing with the reemergence of all of the hurt and pain of every single trauma I had ever experienced in my life...all of those emotions I had stuffed deep down inside so I wouldn't have to feel them.
Everything had caught up to me, and I was spinning out of control.
There was only one way I was going to be able to heal, and that was to address all of it head on - I had to be willing to feel everything, dig down and uncover the roots of each emotion, address and process everything and learn and grow from it.
So back to regulating my emotions. I was not going to be able to address anything from a state of dysregulation. If I was going to lose control every time I tried to deal with things I wasn't going to get anywhere.
I worked with IC, a psychiatrist, tried meds, read books and articles, watched videos, listened to podcasts.
My first IC mentioned codependency to me and recommended a book. I read that one, and then read three others. I read numerous articles. I dug deeply into what was at the root of it for me...which was an unhealthy need to control.
Why did I need to be in control so bad? Growing up with an alcoholic father meant life was unpredictable, so the seeds were planted there. Getting into a number of abusive relationships in my teens and early adulthood. Being sexually assaulted repeatedly. Feelings of helplessness. Feelings of having zero control over what happened to me in my life. My young and still immature mind responded by trying to control the people and situations in my life. And over the years the more I tried to control and failed, the more out of control I became. The more out of control I felt, the more I tried to control. It was a vicious cycle.
Healing from my codependency was a necessity. I could not make healthy decisions about my life and my future without it. That meant facing and processing the things that led to it. It also meant facing and taking accountability for the hurt I caused others with my insatiable need to be in control. I had to look at my thinking, my motivations, my manipulations, etc. I had to let go of trying to control and change BetterFuture13, I had to let go of the outcome of our M and focus on my own healing. It took me a while to get there, but eventually I did, and that's when the real healing and growth took off.
I went in to see a psychiatrist at 16 months post-dday and was diagnosed with a number of mental illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder and complex-PTSD. I started taking medication, continued to work with IC and read everything I could about both disorders. A lot of the books and articles I read about BPD had me convinced that I would never get better, that there was no hope for recovery. I sunk into an even deeper depression and was close to giving up, and then I found a couple books that gave me hope.
I learned to practice mindfulness. I learned to address the abandonment fears, the impulsivity, the emotional dysregulation, the self-loathing, the cognitive distortions (especially the black and white thinking). I threw myself into finding a way to recover.
I read the book Thoughts and Feelings by Matthew McKay. I started paying attention to the ways in which my thoughts were distorted by polarized thinking, catastrophizing, generalizing, personalizing, etc. When I read that almost everyone engages in these "patterns of limited thinking" (as he calls them). I started paying closer attention to see if I could recognize it in others as well. When I read posts on SI I could see it...actually SI became a good teacher for me. When I would read posts that said "I/he/she always...", "I/he/she never...", " All WS are...", "All BS are...", etc. I paid attention. Seeing those patterns in other people allowed me to see it easier in myself, and now I practice slowing myself down and being mindful of my thinking.
The self-loathing, as you can imagine, was off the charts after dday. Getting to the roots of my shame and feelings of unworthiness was important. I read all of Brene Brown's books and watched her videos. I read Kristin Neff's book Self-Compassion and did the exercises in it. I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I worked with IC. We uncovered the sources (external and internal) of my self-hatred, and I learned to treat myself with compassion. I have a much better sense of self-worth and I don't hate myself anymore.
I addressed the impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, anger and rages in IC, MC and in listening to and following the teachings of Pema Chodron. After a frustrating start with mindfulness I eventually figured it out, and it has helped me immensely. I am able to stop and think before I speak or act now, at least 95% of the time. It's now been a couple years since I've raged. Our MC helped tremendously by teaching us about primary and secondary emotions, and I was able to start sharing my primary emotions instead of jumping to the secondary. I handle feelings of anger much better now. I'm not perfect and still get pissy with other drivers and I have a lot of anger still at the individual that killed my daughter, but I don't let the anger consume me and take over my life anymore.
According to my psychiatrist I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. I do still have complex-PTSD, but I'm fighting to get better.
I have such a greater understanding of myself now. I have a better understanding of other people as well. I continue to grow and evolve. I spent far too long being stuck - being a victim. I didn't do the work on myself to save my M, I did it to save ME.
(There is so much more to my healing and growth that I have not touched on as it is far too complex to summarize in a setting like SI, so I tried to pick out the main issues/points).
