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My, have there been a lot of threads on forgiveness! I have read many if them, and this is how I feel:

To me, forgiveness must be earned by the one needing to be forgiven. If you feel generous, you may offer mercy, but that doesn't mean that recognition of wrong doing should be let go. Mercy you may give freely as your heart will allow. You do not need forgiveness to move on, but you can give it to yourself to help yourself move on.

My ex never tried, and what he thinks is trying nothing but lip service. Remember that words not followed up with action have very little, to perhaps even no, meaning. It's hard, but I try to forgive myself for when I allowed him to hurt me. I try to forgive myself for any destructive behaviors I engaged in as a reaction to what he's done. I try to forgive myself for blaming myself for his shortcomings. I give him the mercy of trying to let go of his actions and just moving on with my own life.

To me, forgiveness must be earned by the one needing to be forgiven.

I will cut against the grain here a bit.

Why do you want to forgive her?

I am the other extreme. I am very co-dependent. I forgive very easily. My STBXWW had an affair for more than half of our marriage. She intentionally inflicted emotional abuse on me, drove me to a suicide attempt, blamed all of our marital faults on me, etc, etc, etc. All forgiveness got me was more abuse by her.

My suggestion to you... don't forgive her until your divorce is final. Then, maybe think about it. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone what she has done... it means that you are no longer angry about it. For now, though, be angry.

I echo what Phoenix and barcher have written.

Many of my friends and family members have told me that I "need" to forgive my xWW, not for her, but for my peace of mind. I struggled with this notion, but I wanted to be able to move on with my life.

So, last year, about 2-1/2 years after DDay and 2 years after my divorce was final, I read the book Forgiving the Unforgivable, by Beverly Flanigan. When I finished the book, I still didn't feel like forgiving her. She has never apologized, never asked for forgiveness, and has never admitted any wrongdoing.

So, I picked up another book "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring. After reading that book and discussing both books and the entire concept of forgiveness with my therapist, I concluded that I don't need "forgiveness" but rather "acceptance" in order to move on.

So, now I am reading "The Gifts of Acceptance" by Daniel Miller.

It's a process. I'm 3 years out from DDay, and I struggle the most with the unfairness of the entire situation. My xWW ended up marrying her AP. I too, had to pay my xWW in the divorce settlement, and she continues to harass me on a fairly regular basis.

The 2-5 year timetable for recovery depends on a lot of factors, regardless of whether or not you divorce or reconcile. Obviously, I think things are easier if your WW confessed the affair rather than you discovering the affair yourself. It's also probably easier if your WW is remorseful, and if she answers all of your questions truthfully and without blaming you for "the reasons why she cheated".

My recovery has taken longer because my xWW is still with (and married to) her AP. There have been no consequences for either of them. He was also married with children, and he even had a side job as a spokesman for victims of infidelity. The fact that I'm forced to interact with my xWW because we have children together doesn't help either, and occasionally I even have to see AP because xWW brings him to our DDs' school and extra-curricular functions.

The pain has diminished significantly, and most of my days are very good. I do get angry when xWW tries to manipulate our DDs, or when she harasses me about unnecessary drama she creates, or when she wins "community woman of the year" awards and honors.

But as others have said, I'm no longer married to xWW, and I don't have to put up with her crap most of the time. I'm 3 years out, and I'm close to indifference. Maybe this is the year I completely get there.

I also don't "co-parent" with my ex. I read a book called "Mindful Co-parenting" by Jeremy Gaies and James Morris. They offer a solution for parents who have different values and don't really get along with each other, and that's where I fit in. It's called "parallel parenting". I do my best to provide a solid foundation and consistency for my girls.

I understand you wanting to forgive, and I understand that it's about what is good for you and letting go of the bitterness for your own benefit. It's way too early in the process for you to be letting go of your anger, it just is. This is still so new and raw that it would be nigh on impossible for you to not feel what you're feeling. You should be looking to process your anger and the underlying pain at the moment instead of forgiveness.

It took me years to forgive my Ex. But I let go of a lot of my anger when I initiated the divorce. When I had irrefutable proof that my marriage wasn't going to get better for me, I let go of my anger and accepted that basic fact. My Ex "wanted" to R but he also continued to lie to me during our attempt and continued to have contact with the OW. When I found that out, I was completely done. In a way it was my accepting that he was a limited person emotionally and wasn't capable of being authentic that allowed me to forgive him. I didn't want to be married to him anymore, but I also have compassion for him.

I eventually wrote him an email forgiving him for the affair. I did it for the benefit of my children who struggled to have a relationship with him because he was consumed with his guilt. It didn't cost me anything and I wanted to help him have a better relationship with our children for their sakes. He never responded but I don't really care. I said what I had to say and I think he's acted less guilty in his relationship with our children. So, that's something.

Don't worry about getting to forgiveness for yourself at the moment. Look inside you, get some clarity on your Ex, and keep putting one foot forward. You are in the early days of a massive life upheaval, it will be painful, but you will see on the other side of this that your marriage wasn't going to be good enough for you and that your STBXW wasn't going to ever be the standard of person that you deserve.

Every time I read one of these threads on forgiveness, I have an earworm that won't let up of "I forgive" from Lacuna Coil (the lyrics absolutely apply!).

I got to acceptance many years ago while in limbo, but I realized more recently that I had forgiven because my life is so much better now that I'm practically thankful for all that's happened.

From where I sit, I don't think you should keep the infidelity a secret from her parents in fear that they knowing of it will make your divorce settlement worse.

Pull the scab off the wound!

I don't forgive my ex-wife for her infidelity, but I also don't worry about it every day anymore.

Forgiveness is overrated.

Why are you protecting her reputation?

Why are you aiding her in perpetuating lies that enable her to further victimize you?

She is making you complicit in the A by using you to hide her adultery...why are you letting that happen?

Truth is never wrong. It requires no defense and no hiding.

Set the truth free and it will find its own way.

There is only one truth- Full Truth. Set it free. Send it to do the work. It will solve your problems.

Hmmmm. I've rehashed this a few times on SI but truth be told it's still a conflict for me. So here are some details.

At first, it was because she said she'd tell her parents about the A, and that seemed fine. Later, it became clear she never would, presently under the claim that "they asked not to be told about details" which has a 96.84% chance of being BS. By that point though, I'd already decided we were done. Now, I've moved out and i'm trying to iron out an agreement and avoid a bitter battle if at all possible because I really have no appetite for such things.

Unfortunately, our lawyers are giving quite opposing advice. Huuuge income gap - she essentially makes zero. Even if she worked full time my support calculations end up being enormous, and married for 12 years so in theory up to that duration. Her lawyer is saying, take that, fool! Mine is pointing to a technicality, which is that I'm leaving the marriage with all of the debts, in fact negative net worth because I'm early in my career, and in these settings case law has it that no alimony is payable.

I don't even really want to go in saying "no spousal for you," I'd settle for somewhere in the middle if it improves stability for my kids and gets this disaster over with. But we have a LOT of ground to cover to get there.

For now, then, I'm not sure how it benefits me - other than a sense of justice and revenge - to pick up the phone at this moment and call her parents cold turkey.

Now, I agree it's the right thing in many ways, for the sake of her parents who I do feel have a right to the truth. But now just doesn't feel like the time. Honestly, it takes all of my energy to move forward with existing decisions - I can't stand more drama. And, perhaps the parent thing will be a bartering chip at some point, who knows.

I agree, don’t tell the parents. It’s not worth the drama. Just try and meet in the middle somewhere with the D and move on.

For me personally I didn’t forgive but did Radical Acceptance

When we have pain, feel it, and accept the reality of it, we can move on to embrace our new reality. However, when we refuse to accept what is, we become stuck in a persistent state of suffering. Pain and nonacceptance combine to create this suffering. Until we can break through to reality, the suffering will continue. Radical acceptance doesn't mean to condone the behavior of others. Although you learn to accept reality, you don't have to agree with someone or some situation to accept them.

To practice radical acceptance, we need to:

Accept what is

Realize what we can control and what we can't

Look at our situation from a nonjudgmental perspective

Acknowledge the facts of our situation

Stop fighting reality

Learn how to live in the present moment despite our pain

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 9:50 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

I would definitely not tell her parents but use the threat of it as a leveraging point in the divorce negotiation. If you're far apart on an agreement it might be enough to get her to modify so if you blow your opportunity early on you lose that option.

Once the ink is dry, I do think it would be a good idea to mention what really happened to her parents. They will probably stick by her because that's their job, but they may be more understanding of what happened and less critical of you.

Yes, that's how I'm looking at it.

It's funny though - I am not a confrontational person. I'm not exactly shy, and have taken risks here and there at big junctures in my life, but I would say I'm a "people pleaser," in the sense that I usually take the path that hurts the fewest people. I bet a lot of other BSs would identify with this but I'm not sure.

I say it's funny because I'm reflecting on how the separation proceedings pit yourself against yourself sometimes. On the one hand, I want to maintain those aspects of my character that prevented me from doing and saying the kinds of things that WW did/said. I want to take the high road at all times - honesty, empathy, compassion and so forth, i.e. those things STBXWW was lacking.

But on the other hand, some of those qualities probably explain why I'm a BS in a 4.5 year LTA. And separation negotiations with a WW who says things like "this house was mine, it was always mine, my personality is what makes it a home and your role was just to come home and sleep" - well, I'd describe our discussions as superficially amicable, with an undercurrent of "you are the devil incarnate..." :)

OBS shares these same values and goals and we've talked about how we want to both preserve and erase these qualities at the same time. The major difference is that her husband (AP) is seeing a psychologist every week, is emotionally unraveling as he reflects on what he has done to two families, and seems to be taking full responsibility at every turn. Meanwhile, it's becoming very clear that WW, who always called AP a predator (thereby making herself a victim in the A), was at least as manipulative as AP, possibly more so. At one point, she even made *him* jealous by intimating that she was interested in *other* guys.

Honestly the writers of Inception would have rejected this plot for being too complicated.

Here I go stewing in it all again... but as some of you say, if that's what I'm doing, that's what I should be doing.

[This message edited by unspecified at 8:41 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

The mental gymnastics that a WS has to do to preserve their sense of "integrity" is literally mind-blowing. I promise you, in the future possibly years from now, you will look back and laugh at some of this shit.

Try and stay as detached from this as you possibly can. The further out you get, the less that stuff will bother you and the more you can see it for what it really is.

That's fascinating that the AP has got himself into IC and is able to now process his responsibility of the consequences of his decisions and actions. My guess is that your STBXW will resist that option (as mine certainly did) for as long as possible, maybe forever.

The further out you get from your marriage, the more you will be able to see your WS for who she really is as opposed to how she thought she was.