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director23 posted 4/22/2019 09:01 AM

Is everyone in the know?

Yes, everyone knows on both sides of her family as well as mine everything surrounding the entire situation. My relationship with mostly everyone in her family was great. WW continually had told me that her family is very hurt that i'm not wanting to spend time with them, not go to trip to AZ, etc. They know me coming around is something that going forward is less likely to occur. WW and I have identified 2 holidays that essentially are shared where we each get to be with him that day regardless of who is to be with him per regular schedule. Those days are Easter and 4th of July, but I am going to eventually move to change it to just easter as 4th of July is my fav holiday and i'd rather not have to spend it with her every year going forward. All other holidays he is only with one of us.

no other women is going to want an X in the mix in any shape or form
I'm in no way shape or form even considering looking to build a new relationship any time soon. The type of woman you are describing reminds me of a stance my stbxw would've taken, and yeah, I'll be shying away from the likes of her for sure when i do get to that point.

Bigger posted 4/22/2019 09:14 AM

I might be jaded on this…
I have a nephew who divorced his wife about 3 years ago. Her call – no infidelity but he has some past demons with drugs and there was a (short) relapse. OK – She insisted on the divorce and pushed for it. They sold their house, split the assets and worked out a custody schedule.
For the last years I doubt there is a single week the custody-schedule has held. They live in the same neighborhood, so the kids can come and go as they want. That’s fine. But they spend weekends together (separate beds), holidays, take trips together… All in the name of “showing the kids that mom and dad are still friends”.
I have been guiding him in his finances and have a vested interest in his well-being. He tells me there is no chance of them getting back together. Yet if he starts dating I have noticed his ex ups her visits OR cuts him off emotionally… To ME this form of interaction non-marriage is toxic and holds back both their recoveries.
All I see is two kids doing their very best to get mom and dad together again and a manipulative ex-wife…

I don’t advocate animosity. I think it’s great if you can be on good terms with your ex and her family. Heck… I even think it could be beneficial for your son (and therefore YOU) if you can have an “uncle” relationship with the unborn child as things go on. But I do think it’s best for your child to be given clear and direct messages: Mom and dad are no longer a couple and we are creating a new life apart from each other.

director23 posted 4/22/2019 14:17 PM

Mom and dad are no longer a couple and we are creating a new life apart from each other

I wholly agree. Everyone knows that I have already made the moves to secure beginning a separate life as soon as our living situation can change. I told stbxw that going forward I am simply going to look at her as my sons mother and nothing more. We aren't going to be friends but I will be respectful.

Its kind of ironic how in the beginning of when the issues started she used the phrase that she looked at me as if our marriage is a business relationship; I completely hold that thought on my own now that after our divorce is finalized, that's the exact belief that I will have myself as I primarily already have it now.

The custody and schedule of our son as well shows that I am not looking to take a laissez-faire approach to spending time with him; when its my time with him its just that, my time: without her.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/22/2019 14:27 PM

Good for you Director in moving this along, and keeping things light for your son's sake with the exFIL.

Your WW will be leaving you alone soon, once the new baby is born, she'll have her hands full. I suspect that once the new baby arrives and the D is final, you move out, the ex inlaws will be inviting you over less and less as the WW reengages with her OM. Even if she doesn't get back with the OM, he will be around and her future love interest, and you'll be on the out.

You may also be in luck if she spends a lot more time after the birth of the baby at your inlaws house, getting help from the exMIL. You may have more time with your son, and less of her around at your house until its sold.

director23 posted 5/7/2019 08:59 AM

Get a text from ww at 630 this am asking if i can take son to daycare; say sure as it was my day anyway to..?

Go upstairs and to his room to wake up son and see her sheets are all of her bed. about a minutes passes and her mom shows up.

WW starts sobbing and says why would my water break, i'm only 34 weeks, this isnt supposed to happen.

I start getting son some breakfast and about another minutes passes and she comes from room with mom and says see he doesnt even care to her mom; keeps sobbing.

She tells me that she would like our son to go to great grandparents and i say thats ok. She says he will probably stay in hospital with me. I asked for a few days then or what? and she said to get some photos, and then called me inconsiderate as she shut door.

About 30 min later i get a call from her. She says baby is breached, doing c section, and if i want to come i need to now. I said i'm not coming, and she ended phone call.

Here we go.

LostHope8008 posted 5/7/2019 09:15 AM

What a whack job. Why on God’s green earth would she think you would want to be at the hospital to witness the birth of another mans baby?

Jduff posted 5/7/2019 09:22 AM

Geez, she called you in early to pickup your son just so you would be in earshot of all that personal drama of her own making. She is delusional and in denial to expect you to be present for the birth and have sympathy for her situation after what she put you through. She should have called her boyfriend instead. You handled that well, director. Stay 180. Do your best to keep your son safe.

ibonnie posted 5/7/2019 09:32 AM

I start getting son some breakfast and about another minutes passes and she comes from room with mom and says see he doesnt even care to her mom; keeps sobbing.

Based on the things you've said about your STBXMIL, I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to convince your STBXW that you still care.

She tells me that she would like our son to go to great grandparents and i say thats ok. She says he will probably stay in hospital with me. I asked for a few days then or what? and she said to get some photos, and then called me inconsiderate as she shut door.

Can you clarify? She wants your toddler to stay in the hospital with her? As she recovers from a c-section? That sounds miserable for both of them. Not to mention, what about visiting hours?

ibonnie posted 5/7/2019 10:05 AM

I know you've addressed this, but I can't seem to find your exact post.

Do you need to call your lawyer and give them a heads up the baby is coming six weeks early? Do you need to start to fill out paperwork or get the ball rolling now to contest paternity?

director23 posted 5/7/2019 10:14 AM

She wants your toddler to stay in the hospital with her?
I believe she meant she will just want him around and available to meet his brother as soon as possible.

Do you need to call your lawyer and give them a heads up the baby is coming six weeks early?
No. my state has a very simple process for disestablishing paternity; essentially all is needed is a legal dna test and if proven not the father, that's the end of it. Paperwork for that, if it ends up being legally proven, will be done in part with the finalizing of the divorce at the time the judge reviews our decree.

director23 posted 5/7/2019 10:20 AM

stbxmil txt me baby was lifelighted to a bigger hospital as our local one cannot handle premies which i knew would happen. said baby had apgar of 9 and she said 'looks just like his brother." fucking kidding me.

Said ww could potentially be released to go to see him tonight. ww sister is going to hospital now.

I had thought about going to hospital where baby is for about 5 minutes, but remembered the situation: A test has been done, and although not legal, stated i am not the father. I have to remember that. And given the fact the baby born appears to be healthy, if baby is closer to 40 weeks than what we all believe, that reaffirms the likelihood the baby is not mine.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/7/2019 11:30 AM

Wow, that is a really tough situation. Stay strong. It's going to get real.

It is an interesting reminder that after how she treated you, she is upset that you don't show the same care and affection that you used to. And thus, you are inconsiderate. My XWW did something similar.

I hope everyone is well and comes out strong and healthy.

Marz posted 5/7/2019 11:58 AM

A lot of drama and none of your making. Unfortunately for you that's the way it is for now. You're just gonna have to get through it. Staying out of it as much as possible is your best path. Which it seems is what you're trying to do.

They seem determined to try and drag you back in. It is in their best interests to do so. This would be for your STBXW and her family. Your consideration isn't their concern.

While you will have to be connected to a certain extent it is totally up to you on what that consists of.

My X boss whom I spoke with recently went through the divorce and aftermath not of his choosing and not Infidelty related tried the amicable approach early on. (They have younger kids) They did one shared holiday and he said it was a very awkward and uncomfortable situation. Now he just keeps everything separate. He has his time, his X has hers. No drama.

I know 3 others of which 2 have young kids. They use the parallel parenting approach. Look it up. You can only control you and your time.

You seem to be headed in the right direction. Your STBXW and family are in a precarious position. I'd let them deal with it. Yes you have a child to parent but your life and future counts too. This won't be easy but it's up to you how to handle it. There is no perfect solution in these dilemmas. Find the medium that works best for you. It will normalize over time.

Freeme posted 5/7/2019 12:32 PM

Yea. You've got to wonder if she has been lieing all along about her due date/date of conception.
the "My water shouldn't break at 34 week" seemed to be staged.

I think you are doing the right thing by staying out of it. She stills seems to think you are going to change your mind if she just finds the right button to push. Giving an inch... stopping in the see the baby, or see how she is doing, or buying a baby gift is going to be taken as a sign that all has been forgiven. You are doing great by staying out of it.

Jsmart posted 5/7/2019 12:34 PM

Giving birth is scary. Doing it without the father's emotional support is scarier.
Her mother doesn't help the situation by fueling her daughters victim-hood mentality.

Her asking you to be her emotional support for the birth of OM's baby really shows that she doesn't grasp the severity of what she's done.

I think she believes you'll be swept up in emotion when the baby comes and that you'll want to stay with her. It doesn't dawn on her that you seeing some other man's baby come out of her vagina is going to remind you of how that baby was conceived. Talk about a total disconnect.

Jduff posted 5/7/2019 13:23 PM

Director, why is the STBXMIL texting you updates instead of the real father? You aren't asking for those updates, are you?

Keep reminding that STBXMIL who the real father is, that you have test results to back it up, and that it is a real travesty that the actual father of the child is not present for support. Ask her who is keeping that AP away from his new baby?

Throw her attempted moral lecturing back in her face. Who the hell is she to try and guilt trip people back into HER idealized family roles and functions?

director23 posted 5/7/2019 14:21 PM

I think she believes you'll be swept up in emotion when the baby comes and that you'll want to stay with her.

100% agree.

why is the STBXMIL texting you updates instead of the real father?
Very good point. She text me the info i provided and i said i hope everyone and everything is ok and nothing since.

Keep reminding that STBXMIL who the real father is,

They are sticking to the idea that they simply dont believe it is the ap baby because ww took morning after pill a few days after they were together. Until legal dna test says I am not the father, they believe I am.

Marz posted 5/7/2019 14:40 PM

They are sticking to the idea that they simply dont believe it is the ap baby because ww took morning after pill a few days after they were together.

They know. They maybe in a bit of denial or they maybe thinking if they stick to what they believe you'll accept it at some point. Even though the first dna tests may not be legal it's a good indication.

Bottom line is the ramifications for them and their daughter is not good. She is their daughter and they want what's best for her and them. Totally understandable.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/7/2019 16:51 PM

Don't for one second think that your EXWW hasn't been lying to her parents either. She's probably the one insinuating and sticking to the story of the Plan B bill. What a good little Christian and pillar of the community she is huh? That won't sound so good once word gets out into that smaller community you live in and once all the friends find out the real reason for the divorce.

Your poor FIL, sounds like a decent guy, who now also has to eat a $h*)sandwich like you about his rachet daughter.

You seem to be doing all the right things. During this time, you may get some more custody of your son as you EXWW will have her hands full. At no time, should your custody hours go to her family, she may ask for it, but hold strong. If she can't watch your son, he should stay with you, not her parents. You as the father have first right of refusal, and if custody came into play, you want to make sure that you have taken him and all the hours that is afforded to you by law. That means if your EXWW can't watch him, he goes to you first.

rambler posted 5/7/2019 22:28 PM

Best wishes and I hope everyone is healthy.

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