SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the hardest things I had to do in this whole process was to accept the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. I asked a lot of my guy friends about their breakups/divorce and whether they have ever used that line. The answer was that none of them had. My XWW made it easier by showing it in abundance with her actions as well as her biting remarks to me. Right now your wife is only showing it in her actions so this limbo sucks for you. Ask her point blank if she's 'in love' with you. Might help you gain some clarity.

You didn’t give up. Your partner did.

It’s just unfair that she didn’t tell you...

There is a moment when you accept that they don’t want to be with you . They show that by treating you like shot.

But like so many people, myself included , you have hope.

I don’t call it giving up, I call it accepting reality.

I did that when I had geographical and emotional distance. I could not have done that whilst being in limbo with the two of us at home.

I really am stuck. I know that I can't continue like we've been doing.

You are the only one who can get you unstuck. Your WS is conflict avoidant and she doesn't want to lose you but she doesn't want to do the work either. That's not sustainable. It's just not.

What you need to start to work on is the moment of *acceptance* that this will not get better for you, because it won't. Your WS isn't doing the heavy lifting, or any lifting really, and isn't going to. Once you absorb that fact, you can make the decision to leave (although I just accidentally typed "live" which amounts to the same thing). This is no way to live a life. Feeling angry and sad and having your WS avoid dealing with that, avoid the consequences of her decisions, of being in a state of either low key or high key rage all the damn time because your needs are ignored or disregarded.... is that what you want from your life??

What you will start to see as you begin to step away and detach from her is that her behavior now is more consistent with a pattern of behavior throughout the marriage. You think that the infidelity is an isolated incidence of bad judgment and she can't figure out how to get past it, but I'm betting the farm that she's been like this with other issues. They just haven't provoked a crisis like infidelity does.

You can't control her or what she does or does not do. You can only control you. So do that.

I just see her falling back into old patterns, trying to sweep all the shit under the rug. I'm sure that's really easy, try to forget the damage you've caused. I've always been the rock in the family, and once again I proved it when I stayed. Still, the constant current of a river will cause the rock to erode. Maybe the weight of burden will cause that rock to crumble. I'm really starting to feel that way now. It's always about what she needs, what she wants. When I bring up what I need or want, it's minimized.

I could've written this word for word. STBXWH never did the work he promised he would, didn't read the books, couldn't talk about it, just wanted to rugsweep. I tried for 2.5 years. I pleaded, I cried far too many times.

In one conversation, I knew I was done - when he blamed me for our issues. I asked him to move out less than a month later after our son visited with his girlfriend (I waited). I will never go back to him.

Of course, now he wants me more than ever. Too late. I don't even have feelings for him anymore. I wish him happiness and want to keep our relationship friendly for our (grown) sons' sakes but that's it. I really believe he never thought I'd divorce him but he was wrong. You can only push someone so far.

You'll know when you're really done. I understand the kids are your main concern but they will be all right. I think I stayed with STBXWH for the kids' sake for years and now I realize that they would have been better seeing a healthy relationship - not one of emotional abuse.

I wish you peace...

Heck yeah, Brokenhearted! I'm saving that response for myself!

I finally gave up when my XWH#2 assaulted me Thanksgiving night. He had been acting weird all day at his parents and came home and started to drink heavily. I knew he was acting this way because OW must have told him she was going to out the LTA again and it was stressing him out. He hated conflict and knew I was at my wits end with the whole thing. He refused to do any of the work to save our marriage, rug sweep the whole affair, and continued to treat me with disrespect. It had been over 3yrs since DDay#1, with continued DDay's after that. In his drunken state he locked himself out of the house and started banging on the front door. He kicked the door in before I could open it and pushed me down, screaming at me the whole time. I was scared because he had never acted like this before and I called 911. He then got a gun and cocked it in my face while I was on the phone with 911. To say the whole police department showed up is an understatement. He was arrested and that was that. OW bailed him out of jail and he went to live with her. He knew then I was done when I filed a protective order against him and he wasn't allowed to come back home or have any contact without the police being present. It finally showed me who I was really married to. It was a shame it had come to that before I realized that he was toxic to me and to himself. I know most people don't let it get this far before leaving and I am a rare case, but I loved him and didn't want to give up on my marriage. I was forced to see it for what it had become and I deserved better than to be treated so badly and with such disrespect. I was scared because I was disabled (failing liver) and didn't know what I would do alone and sick, but I refused to be physically abused by someone that I had tried to love.

It takes a lot to finally see them for the selfish cowards they are. If your wife refuses to do the work necessary to fix the marriage and to help you heal, then you will continue to feel this way. How long or what it finally takes to make you see this is anyone's guess. Only you can get yourself out of infidelity and the toxic environment it creates for you and your children. (((HUGS)))