SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Look, I don't want to be too hard on you but I've been following your posts and I can't help but cringe at basically everything I've seen. You're high as fuck on hopium and in dire need of a detox, so I'm hoping this helps.

Unconditional love is for our children only. It has no place in adult relationships. Love only those who love you in return. Do only for those who appreciate it and seek to reciprocate. Respect yourself enough to walk away from those who repay your love and effort with entitlement and betrayal.

My exWW's affair was an exit affair. Her being remorseless and never trying to come back was the second best thing she's ever done, after giving birth to our daughter. Once I learned of her affair, I never wanted her back because even though I didn't understand the words in my previous paragraph consciously, I did live by them intuitively. I believed I was worthy of being treated well. I believed that the vows I made to my wife were serious and a big deal and that she needed to value them as much as I did. Asking someone to forsake all others and be at your side for the rest of your lives is no small thing, and I had no time for someone who not only didn't appreciate the commitment I made, but showed it an astounding lack of respect while at the same time throwing aside the commitment she made to me.

Why the hell would I want someone who could devalue such a serious promise in such a callous fashion? Why the hell would I waste time pining after someone whose promises to me evidently never meant a thing?

Your wife is not your memories of her. She's the person who is currently living with, sharing her life with, and sharing her body with some dirtbag who used to abuse her even though she made vows of lifelong love and loyalty to you and asked you to make the same vows to her. She is not someone to want back. She is not someone to pine after. She is not someone to stay married to. She is someone to sever ties with and walk away from.

@firenze

First off, thanks for following my posts, and giving me straight advice/opinion.

The last day or two my eyes have been opening up and I have been coming to terms with the truth. You’re right, she broke the vows and has no respect for me, doesn’t deserve me.

I’ll find someone better, let her continue her self destructive path. She chose one direction, I have chosen another.

There’s a good fkn reason why everyone one in my life, and hers, has told me that she is wrong and not to take her back, there’s a reason why everyone that “we” know are only being supportive of me, infidelity is disgusting and the lowest thing one can do—that person has major faults and issues and is likely incapable of admitting what the did to begin healing.

So f it, I am moving forward.

At least, in person I have not taken any of there “high on hopium” actions. It’s only here that I’ve let out my deeper feelings, ones that I knew were wrong, but I had to at least talk about them. Getting those foolish thoughts off my chest has helped.

Not all marriage problems are temporary.....Not all marriage problems have solutions...that is where the shock and trauma set in...

I read a lot of these predictions for years...if you file for D, they will snap out of it...Many many never snap out of it...filing for D, gives them the easy out they were wanting...they were weak to cheat, they are weak in leaving...ITs clearly all about them...still.

My STXWH had an exit A...I realized this term lately...he never snapped out of it...he was happy...he was still controlling me and the lawyers...giving us all dates, and time frames to act in...He was getting the D he planned...in fact he planned it for at least 10 months..

I was shocked...I thought he would listen, hear ...I thought I could reach him....I did not even try...he was clearly far gone...I never dreamed he would be so cold and cruel...we were married 35 years....I don't know him anymore...and we could never be the same...It hurt...that he could care so little...the cheating was mind blowing...the exit for D, was scorched earth...HE was showing off, he laughed in my face, punished me, it was pure evil...

Im a bit surprised you are ready to consider R...this early..You could possibly still be in shock...and territorial...take it slow and easy...things change on a constant rotation...

You cant change them...you cant make them...you didn't cause this...work on you....you need to become strong to deal with this …..it takes a good long while.

STBXWH relationship is rocky at best. If there is even a relationship happening anymore. I plan to leave this city....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:03 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

From your posts it sounds like you’d take her back in a heart beat. Please reconsider.

I have an attraction to the vulnerability that women like your wife possess. I think lots of men do, maybe it’s the guys version of the bad boy thing that lots of women have. The satisfaction we get from the challenge and feeling needed. The feeling that I am the man to save and fix her. I am just going to love her enough and she’ll be grateful and love me back.

As I got older, I realized certain types of women don't make good life partners. Hopefully it should only take one experience for you to view her neediness as abusive to you. If you don't then maybe you should delay any decision about taking her back until you can afford professional counseling.

You are going through two major life transitions. One with your wife and the other with completing your training (and commencing a new career leading to a new life).

Even if she begs to come back tomorrow, I suggest you stay apart and continue with your 180, finish your training, and move/or get that good paying job. Give yourself a chance to experience your new life (a fresh start) before considering R.

And the next time, consider a life partner that does not ‘need’ to be with you.

@Robert

I wouldn’t take her back in a heart beat. The reason why is because the relationship that I would want back is permanently gone.

I would need her to come to me first, live alone not in a relationship, and take all necessary steps to make R

real. Realizing this is unlikely to happen, I can only dream of it and try to let my hope fade away.

I hear you though, I can very likely not do it with her again and find someone better

Edit: deleted duplicate

[This message edited by Hold2win at 7:36 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Your going to drive yourself nuts hoping she will somehow have this great epifany and go through this transformation and become this good person again who gets what she did and is truly remorseful for how you feel. I too wished that for a time, I get it.

Get in to see a counselor. Get into the gym. Get a list of projects to do and start doing them. If you got a house put effort into making it great and decluttered in case you want to sell (the house is a example you can apply elsewhere if it doesnt fit). One of the things I wished I had done sooner was working on a budget.

It wont he easy. Heck this next year is gonna be horrible. Falling asleep and getting out of bed are going to be struggles, BUT if you put the work in and embrace the suck as they say you can come out the other side with your head held high in a great life position. The other choice is to wait for others to come around and let your cheartng spouse be in control of your happiness. Dont let her have that control.

The point is to make yourself as good mentally and physically and in life as possible. This will help you. This is the 180. There is some good reading about it on this site. Invest everything you got into you.

Its early so be kind to yourself when you falter. Let the tears flow and the pain come out. Your a good man. This isnt about you.

If you havent yet, go see a attorney and file for divorce. You dont deserve to live in infidelity. Your wife is dead this bitch just looks like her. Her fuckedupness is not your problem anymore. Focus on YOU.

Your probably not going to give up the fantasy of this working out yet so think of it this way. She wrecked your marriage. SHE did, not you. If she sees the light of day and repents and somehow becomes that great girl again you can daye and have a new marriage. But she wrecked it so ahe would have to earn it. (Newflash it aint gonna happen, and if it did you are out of her league if you get your self esteem back in time).

PS watch the rebound relationships...once you start to rock it the "nice" girls with problems will see your potential but sense your vulnerability. But thats for later.

RockstarDad,

Your comment hits hard. Great words, thank you for your support.

You are so right that my wife is dead and that she has changed into someone else.

Her friends have even told me that she has changed in a bad way, they arent sure if they want to be friends with her anymore, that she has started drinking and smoking civarettes regularly (she stopped smoking 9 yrs ago).

I am working on myself in all aspects: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, socially.

Things are slowly looking up. I am finally seeing a future for myself without her

A friend of mines wife left him for her boss. Married 10 years.

Upfront all he could think about was R. Getting her back.

Then some of his friends saw her out on a dating openly with her OM which kinda forced his hand. He filed D and went no contact.

As time passed his mind started to clear and after a few weeks he started to take a much closer look. What would he get back? Then he started to see what he had ignored.

Now after about a year with D finalized he sees the real her which he never realized. Very selfish, entitled, etc.

He's happy and after dating many he sees very clearly the differences.

You will too if you self reflect and take her off the pedestal you put her on.

You just need time.

In time all this and all the bad feelings that go with it will be a thing of the past.

And you will be just fine.