SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My sister’s husband is a child of an open marriage. Talk about a person screwed up! He hated that his parents were swingers but as an adult he had no boundaries on his on sexual behaviors including being accused of sexual misconduct at about 3 different jobs I believe. So, I know you probably don’t want to hear this but if you are thinking this won’t effect my children nothing could be further from the truth! My husband tried to talk me into a threesome and I said sure but I won’t be one of them and we won’t be married either. I know what pressure they can put on you and it isn’t easy to hold up under it. So, I am not coming from a place of judgement but one of concern for your children being effected for a lifetime by the choices you make now.

Thank you BIgger for the therapy information about SA. Very helpful.

SAdIsMyNewName I want to hear good and bad. I appreciate it.

I am trying to still process everything and stay strong on my stance on all this, all while he sits and says he needs hugs and wants me to sleep next to him and forgive him again. And so on.

I am so angry I don’t even want to see him he knows this and still mentions all of the above because he needs it and when I simply bring up we’ll you should have thought of that before he gets really mad.

Nothing negative has been said around my kids when they around that fake smile and happy dance kicks in

I think it's telling that he said if he has to tell you, it ruins it. That's because he doesn't want an open marriage, he wants permission to cheat. And now he's trying to gaslight you into thinking he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I think that may be why you're so confused right now, because you don't know if you are allowed to be angry. You

are!! He cheated! Under what circumstances did he actually believe it was acceptable to secretly have sex with someone in your home when you weren't there, and the two of them have this little secret behind your back? Your feelings are valid, and he has no right to flip it on you and get mad. He's been having his cake and eating it too. Sounds like you've been letting him tell you how to feel for a long time, but only you get to decide what is acceptable to you.

And this morning he asked several times what do you want me to do

Your answer:"Let's end the open M and become monogamous, that's what we both signed up for when we got married, we tried it your way and it didn't work (at least not for me), also you need to get intense IC to help you deal and overcome your issues, find a counselor that specializes in infidelity".

Your answer:"Let's end the open M and become monogamous, that's what we both signed up for when we got married, we tried it your way and it didn't work (at least not for me), also you need to get intense IC to help you deal and overcome your issues, find a counselor that specializes in infidelity".

I agree. It's a start. It's known as "closing the M"

Not judging your lifestyle-

However, I will say flat out that people in that lifestyle tend to end in a flame out. Long term, it just becomes unsustainable as the new tends to be "better" than the old and the person doing it will chase that high (dopamine) that they get with a new partner. That dopamine high will draw them, their energy, and their love...away from the M.

Long term, that lifestyle is not sustainable for a family with kids. I know of people who swear it works...and every one of them ended up divorced long term. It was exciting and awesome...until it wasn't.

Good luck. If you really want a family, you might think hard about what type of lifestyle is conducive to that end goal.

Hon, do NOT take all the blame upon yourself just because you didn't spell out in detail all the numbers and rules.

You are willing to have a one-sided open marriage... that's a gift you are giving. If you gave him a knife, would you have to specify that he not stab you with it? It was on HIM to do this within your boundaries, and I suspect he knew exactly what they were, and violating them was part of the thrill.

This is not on you. He's not a child. He is capable of asking questions and communicating with his life partner. "You said you didn't want to know!" is a total cop out.

I think it's time to revoke your offer. "The open marriage is not working for me." That's all you have to say.

[This message edited by annanew at 2:13 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

What I know of open marriage or a Poly relationship is there has to be clear concise communication between everyone, to include the other partners. There are types of boundaries that you can set forth, but without communication it will fail. Ultimately, out of about 6 relationships that I know of personally that are Poly, only one has lasted for more than 6 years - one of the partners in that triad lives out of the country so it is not an every week type of getting together. Poly relationships are hard to handle & it takes a lot of work on everyone's part to be successful.

It sounds to me as if you do not want to be Poly, that you did this for your husband's sex drive. I would suggest IC and MC for you both, 1) to help overcome his SA and 2) to help you both overcome your communication issues. First though, you have to decide what type of marriage you want and then you would need to convey that desire to your husband.

There are therapists who specialize in Poly relationships too - See if you can locate one of them.

I am not against Poly relationships but personally I could not be in one. I don't play well with others, specifically females. lol

You were never in a open marriage. Google 'poly under duress'. The desire for opening up the relationship has to be mutual and both partners should get something out of it. Also, there are set rules that both partners create that should be followed. For some, it's certain type of dates that are exclusive, for some it is that you won't date mutual friends, for some a certain sex act is kept between the primary partners etc etc. Level of information disclosed also varies. It's all consensual and works only if both are on the same page. As I said before, too much work in my opinion and never should be practiced if kids are there.

First step for you would be closing this trash arrangement. It's not an open marriage and it's not working for you. You husband is a selfish ass. Demand that he joins therapy and discloses the passwords for all his accounts. Limit his time on the internet as it is the gateway for sex addiction. That is if you want to reconcile. At this point the first thing you should do is decide what you want for yourself and the kid.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 3:36 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]