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I am 4 months past D Day. Caught WW on her birthday. Took several months for the true timeline to come out, 15 month affair; think I know most. I hacked a fair amount of it. Still trying, 2x IC and MC, we have young kids. But I am struggling bad. I am proud and have high expectations of myself and those I let close. My key hang ups that I cannot get past: 1. WW left me at home with the kids and her out of town visiting mom on her birthday (a huge day for her that she demands has max attention), I was sick, with an excuse to see friends and came late, hammered, and i discovered the affair via Uber account. 2. WW also screwed the guy on my birthday, convincing me to take our kids home for our pool club so she could stay with friends, it was 9pm and we have a 4 y/o who was crashing, while she stayed behind with AP, coordinated the night via secret texting app. APhad sent his wife and kid home. 3. AP approached me at least 6 times in social situations during the A to try to get to know me. I did not know him before and don’t remember him, he was nothing special, but WW witnessed it and did not stop it. In timeline, AP introduced his wife to my WW and she made it clear to him that should never happen again, but did not stop him from approaching me. And she can be meanly persuasive. 4. I contacted AP and F’ed up his life...his bite back was he knew a lot about me, secrets and stories no one should know. So, you heard one side, but I think she was trying to humiliate me. She denies and is deeply remorseful. Depression issues. But shit I’m hurt. Any advice on coping? Sorry so long.

...but I think she was trying to humiliate me.

Well, when you add in this:

he knew a lot about me, secrets and stories no one should know.

Seems pretty clear that humiliation was on her to do list. Might have increased the high she felt from the affair. Pulling one over on the BS in plain sight. Some people really get off on that type of thing.

She denies and is deeply remorseful.

Cheaters lie with their words. They tell the truth with their actions. And her actions have spoken volumes as to her character.

Do not make a knee-jerk decision to reconcile.

Have you considered implementing the 180? It is in the Healing Library. It is a way for you to get emotional distance and time to clarify your thoughts. To decide if infidelity and her humiliation game are deal-breakers for you, or not.

Other standard advice is to:

-Expose the affair to the other spouse. And perhaps family members.

-Get an STD test, both of you.

-Consult a lawyer and get an idea of your options.

-Demand a timeline.

-Confirm timeline and the possibility of other affairs with a polygraph.

-Limit alcohol intake.

-Exercise

-Get sleep. See the doctor for a med if you have to.

Do not let your spouse know about this site. Let it be your place to vent and process.

Keep posting.

Hi Feeldfool

It is so hard to hear the devastation visited on you.

I am new to the site too. You will find so many people here to help and a safe place to vent.

As a BH who was made a fool of by my EXWW DO NOT believe your mind YOU are not the fool! SHE IS! It is not the fool who takes care of the kids. It is the wife who leaves them and feeds you the shit sandwich.

I raised my daughter and my wife fooled around.

I AM PROUD of that You will be too.

I was proud to receive the MOTHERS Day cards.

What you are going through is so very painful and will likely get worse.

Pay attention to the good advice you will get here.

Start with paying attention to yourself not the horrible wife. Take care of yourself posters will tell you how.

This shit makes me a 60yr old man cry

"NO Soliciting"

So sorry you need to be here

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:39 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Hang in there dude.

Things will get tougher but they will get better.

He has secrets about you and is threatening you? Trying to be wise guy? Piece of shit. Have you informed his wife?

And you’re not alone about feeling humiliated. All BS feel humiliated. Please seek the support of a counsellor. You need to see a psychologist to help you.

Hmmm when they introduce the AP into your life that deep it's a well planned deception. This affair didn't just happen. It was a very premeditated conscious decision on her part.

She denies and is deeply remorseful.

I see this stated a lot and from what I've seen its total bullshit upfront. Mainly regret at getting caught.

Cheaters lie a lot if you haven't figured that out yet.

This is totally is to you. No one else.

I contacted AP and F’ed up his life...his bite back was he knew a lot about me, secrets and stories no one should know. So, you heard one side, but I think she was trying to humiliate me.

I see this a lot too. Contacting the AP doesn't get you shit. Bud, he knows he banged your wife. Youndontbhavebto tell him.

If you didn't inform his wife you didn't accomplish a thing.

Weak move on your part.

My advice on how you cope with this.

Don't eat the shit sandwich your wife and her lover boy served to you. The disrespect of your wife is pretty high. Telling Ap everything about you. See an attorney and start the D process. She has a very deep dark side that you don't want to see. This is all on her.

Inform his wife. Immediately!!!!

Fear is a liar and they are in control because you aren't.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:20 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Oh and she has humiliated you. If you are trying to cover their affair because of your wife's actions and filling the AP in on your personal life it worked then didn't it?

I did inform his wife. And made him do things - walk away from memberships in clubs/orgs that cost him $35k. I got him best I could short of crime.

So I’m the poster and clearly pissed/hurt, but Marz you need an Xanax. Appreciate the support, sincerely, but you are gunna pop bro

Nah, I'm good

I did inform his wife. And made him do things - walk away from memberships in clubs/orgs that cost him $35k. I got him best I could short of crime.

Nice job. You did good.

It's early. Just understand everything is up to you.

Upfront most just want them back.

Later you will wonder what did you get back?

Hi Feeldfool,

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

People will disagree with me but I'm not sure she was trying to humiliate you. Obviously, nobody will ever really know this answer except your WW.

I think a lot of the time what happens is people start confiding in people and sharing more of the things that they feel are wrong in their marriages with the AP because they feel that bullshit feeling of this is someone who understands me. The AP knowing things about you doesn't say to me she was trying to humiliate you. It says she was stupid and incredibly disrespectful to your marriage but it wasn't about you. It was about her getting her ego boosts and highs on dopamine and new "love" feelings. The fact he is threatening you shows what a nasty person he is, stand strong and know you are a better person by far!

Having sex with him on your birthday is disgraceful and something you will never understand, I can completely understand how much that one hurts. But again it is part of her and the affairs sordidness. My WH has told me he put me in a box and didn't think about me, he looks back now and is horrified at some of the cruel things he did .

I think having an AP included in our lives is incredibly traumatic but again I don't think any of it is done to humiliate us. The actions AP and WS's take such as him approaching you are a reflection of them.

I do think remorse is something that grows over time. My husband didn't regret being caught, he wanted the affair to end and he is glad I caught it. He has been remorseful throughout the last year but I would say the remorse and realisation of what he has done is far greater now a year on. Your ww is still in the early days and has a lot to prove to you if you do decide to stay with her.

Things do get easier, it still hurts me a lot a year out but it is a lot easier than those first few months

Feeldfool,

Some WS compartmentalize their affair. It means that they live 2 different lives and don’t relate one to the other. IMO this is not your case! They talked about you, not just as a reference or circumstantially, but talk a lot about the things you told your wife under the marriage confidentiality.

In other hand, POSOM trying to socialize with you indicates that you had a very active role in their affair as an excitement factor.

IMO the only way to know the truth is to ask her to take a polygraph test. Ask her if she ever badmouthed you to him, in specific as a father, husband or/and lover. If she allowed OM to badmouth you, not just to empathize with your WW but out of the blue, just for fun, or even in sexual acts (There is this guy at SI that the OM screamed his name while having sex with his wife, stating something like “ if only you can see me now …”)

The main thing to determine is if making fun of you played a role in her affair. Then if she was a promoter or just passive about it. And if she ever felt arose by making fun of you.

You should consider that infidelity is a delabreaker for some people, this is not about been weak or strong, it is the way we are wired.

In a nutshell, you must ask your self if you can remain married to her not just depite her affair but making fun of you to her lover. Remember that you can get rid of her but you cant scape from the guy in the mirror...

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 8:00 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

You appear to have a lot of self-respect and I commend you on most of your actions so far. Respect for yourself will carry you a long way. How you see yourself is your first line of defense when being attacked and your life has been attacked. Understand, your wife has absolutely no respect for you what so ever. She is probably telling you all the right things now. You gave all the reasons why she has no respect for you and probably holds you utter disdain.

1. Had sex with AP on your birthday.(disrespect, disdain and a spit in the face)

2. Had sex with AP on her birthday. (disrespect and disdain)

3. Had you babysitting your children while she had sex with AP. (disrespect, disdain and probably laughing with AP about how she was fooling you)

4. Obviously bad mouthed you to AP and told him things that were hurtful to you. (disrespect, disdain and humiliation)

5. Allowed AP to try and become "friends" with you. (disrespect, disdain, and humiliation)

6. 15 months having sex with AP. (disrespect, disdain, and laughing at you behind your back.

Take the advice of the people here....take care of yourself, STD test, lawyer, expose affair, polygraph, 180, and don't have sex with her. Don't forget, sex can be used as a weapon. Take your time and think things through. What do you want at the end of the journey? I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 1:53 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

She kept bringing him around you to socialize with you? And spilling all of your most intimate thoughts with him? Basically laughing at you with him.

Man...idk...really feels like if he would've asked her to leave you, she would have.

((hugs)) bro.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 4:58 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]