SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I always say stay until their 18 IF you can be amicable.

It’s not easy I know. For me I was never able to let go of the anger. It was always beneath the surface.

I grew up in a broken home. My parents D when I was 5.

I grew up being bounced back and forth. Step parents step siblings step step. It’s a fucked up way to grow up

I made it until my Son was 16 before I decided I’d had enough of her shady shit so didn’t make it to my goal but still made a better for my kids than what I had.

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 9:47 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

I stayed in my marriage .. my kids grew up with both parents at their beck and call .. first D-day 36 yrs ago .. we didn’t do any counseling.. just wasn’t aware of who to go there wasn’t an internet to ask questions .. there were magazines that had articles .. and the perceived bias was if WS cheated it was the BS fault.. so I worked to be the best I could be .. taking in all my WS’s comments about why he justified his actions .. house wasn’t tidy .. toys all over the place .. 4 children .. I withdrew from many activities so I could stay home organizing , cleaning having dinner on the table when he wanted it .(. he is an only child his mom had dinner every night at 6 ) .. the ONS continued when he was traveling for work .. then when his A started there were many more faults I had .. I picked up signs about the A long before I confronted him .. one daughter was getting married .. so I worked on her wedding .. I had no proof of A just his actions .. so I found a way for WS to invest in my desire to have a vacation house .. that we could use and then rent to out to cover the taxes and expenses .. this was my way out .. where I could move SC and have my own place ..away from him .. think we closed on the house 2 weeks after I discovered the info ( phone message from the OW ) thanking him for her new condo.. I told him he had a choice to make leave her .. or stay with me .. if the was his decision he needed IC and we needed MC .. it was in IC that I got stronger found out it was his fault .. there could be issues in our marriage he could leave any time .. but the cheating was all about him he couldn’t justify it with why issues about me .. unfortunately he restarted the A when OW called him and said she missed him the MC worked for me but he took the little he learned to cover up his A .. and did enough in actions to make me and MC believe he was invested in recovery ..

my experience based on with staying would be to invest in iC and MC .. right now WS is listening to the Marriage Max sessions he bought on line .. we listen to then together .. I also stop and tell him that I was doing the work .. he stopped ..

the one thing I can say to you is that you have to remember the person you fell in love with .... try to remember that .. I also asked my WS for hugs .. helped me get thru the hard discussion.. I also tried used words Like “I feel , i this is my perception .” . this helped with the anger and accusations.. because I was trying to take his feelings into consideration not just continue to beat him up .. the ball is in your court .. I firmly believe that you can stay in a marriage with a Spouse who had an A .. if you are willing to work together to rebuild the relationship .realiize . the innocence is gone that feeling you had on your wedding day that all would be perfect.. but you can have a strong relationship.. in the past 17 years I have read many books .. read on this site .. and I was also very active on another site that just disappeared .. many women do go on and stay in a marriage and are happy ..

So as to what affects kids and what doesn’t- there are too many variables. I grew up in a functional dysfunctional home. Alchoholism, infidelity, divorce. I’m very grounded. I’m very loyal and I make good decisions. My husband came from a very functional home. Parents still together. Close family etc. He cheated and had personal issues. I don’t think we can say that divorce is the determining factor in child well being. I can say children need to feel safe. Through alcoholism and divorce, I felt safe. My husband moved around a lot- he didn’t feel safe/secure.

My advice for your situation- don’t make the decision yet. It’s a huge decision. The trauma is new and you aren’t sure. You probably don’t even understand the impact yet. Besides it’s not a bad thing for your husband to not feel certain yet. Let him live in limbo a while. Let him do some work. As you see work you might find him appealing again. My father couldn’t humble himself enough to stay once he was sober. And I’ve seen it many times where a person simply can’t reflect enough on their poor choices to face the person they hurt. In my opinion, my husband is MORE attractive because he has humbled his ugly self to me. I have seen him at his worst and he is sorry. That’s more beautiful than someone who doesn’t show their ugly side. And because of stayed and supported him, he finds me more attractive. HOWEVER, this isn’t always the case. If your husband doesn’t humble himself to you then the kids will see right through it. If you aren’t able to have a healthy relationship with him, they’ll see right through it.

Good luck

(((Countrygirl10))) I'm staying in the M for a lot of different reasons one being the children.

If I were to D I would lose half my time with my kids. I would also be struggling tremedously to make ends meet and probably be 10 times more stressed out than I am now because it would all be on me.

My kids would have to move schools and make all new friends.

Don't even get me started on the blended family thing...I don't want it. I grew up with it and it has scarred me for life . I would NEVER want that for my kids. I'd rather be alone.

For me D will not be beneficial to ALL of us.

My WS and I get along for the most part. I've worked on myself to the point that I do not fall into or create arguments. I keep the peace or leave the room but I refuse to argue with my WS.

My kids are happy. I am happy. WS does not seem to be very happy but that's because I am not bending to his NPD whim anymore.

If things ever get so bad that a D is necessary then I will put the option on the table again.

There is no intimacy so sex is sex and it isn't very frequent.

My situation is not ideal but is sustainable and there is no fighting. No abuse.