SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

This place has some great minds and people that have experienced most things so here I reaching out. This morning I learned, through a friend of the ex in-laws, that my ex mother in-law passed away.

I am 14 months divorced and have cut off all communication with my FWW. She has messaged me a a few times over this 14 months including wishing me a happy birthday and Christmas, but I have not responded to any of those message. She wanted to remain friends after the divorce, however the final straw for me was when she lied about her financial situation during the divorce proceedings. To me that was another clear sign that having an honest relationship with me not a priority for her and or she did not understand how to do that and for once and for all I needed to remove myself from that.

There is only one sister in-law that I have communication with (there are 4 siblings). We have exchanged messages on birthdays and a few other times during the year. I don't have the opportunity to meet up with the sister in-law because they live overseas.

I'm surprised how much space this has occupied in my mind trying to figure out how to proceed.

1) I am questioning whether to send a message to my FWW at all. My reasoning for this twofold. First she has not informed me her mom passed away. Second, even if she did, given that I have cut off all other communication with her then i should remain consistent, even in this situation.

2) I plan to send my ex sister in law (who I've remained in contact with) a message of condolences.

3) I plan to send flowers which will be addressed to the family as a whole, out of respect for the mother in law and ex sister in law that I have communicated with.

Any thoughts, in particular about not sending a message to the to the FWW? If the FWW was to send me a message directly letting me know of her Moms passing would anyone then response?

[This message edited by FEEL at 9:50 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Why would you send a message to your X? You aren't friends. Keep NC. I think a not to the sil and flowers to the family is perfect.

I wouldn't crack that door open. They in reality aren't your family anymore.

You just need to move on from it all.

I think a note to the XSIL is fine, but even the flowers is too much, and definitely no note to WXW. You risk setting in motion events that could result in bad consequences for you.

Gently, they are not your family anymore, and you need to consider your well-being first and foremost, which means continued NC with your WXW.

What do you want to accomplish by sending flowers and/or contacting WXW? (serious question) I'm the BS, but if my WXH sent flowers to my mom's funeral or attempted to contact me, I'd be livid. Let them grieve in peace.

Send the flowers and leave it at that.

By sending the XSIL you are selecting her over your XWW. That’s fine, but your ex will use that as some form of message when your wish is to not send ANY message.

The flowers to the family… that’s enough. That’s a collective message of condolences to all of them.

I think it is fine to send flowers for the x mother in law..Depends on how close you were with this family as to whether you want to do this..

It’s all about what you feel comfortable with, how strong you feel...IMO it is okay offer words of kindness or condolences to an ex over the loss of her parent while still making it clear that the door is closed for day to day contact over matters non divorce related.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:00 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Obviously you cared about your MIL, so I think flowers to the family is perfect. A note of condolence to the SIL you have kept in touch with is fine too. Those sound authentic to who you are. To the xWW? Nah.... not necessary and not authentic (or you wouldn’t be here asking, you’d have just done it).

It shows what a kind person you are that you care. :-).

Thank-you for the responses everyone.

My MIL and I got along fabulously. The last time I saw her, where she was alert but frail, I picked her up and carried her to the car. It was the last time she ever visited us at our home. Being the person I am, if my wife and I were divorced (which we are not), I would not only send flowers But I would attend the funeral. It depends how much you liked your MIL. I do wish you well.

If you are NC with the rest of the family I wouldn't send them anything, I would just send my condolences to the XSIL you've been in contact with, flowers ? I'm not sure but I don't think I would send them unless I was really close with XMIL.