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I’m very sorry to hear this Jon Doe. Strength to you.

Sorry, Jon. I know it can be difficult for a MH to properly wear their BS hat and make good decisions and boundaries with an unremorseful MH/WS but this is exactly why it needs to happen. You may have cheated once and learned from it but she's a serial cheater. She never showed remorse and it's not even clear that she ever really stopped post DDay 1 given all of the sketchy behavior you posted about. She was a ticking time bomb.

I hope this time it will be much easier for you to let go when she doesn't do the work so that you don't buy yourself a ticket to DDay #3. See a lawyer right away and get this process going.

You may have cheated once and learned from it but she's a serial cheater. She never showed remorse

nekonamida, I think that could describe both of them, really. Don't want to kick a MH/BS while he's down, but by his own words:

Somewhere around 18 I made my first indiscretion and at a local party I shared a kiss with another girl. It was a stupid stupid deciosion that I have no excuse for. 

when we first got a computer. And I found unfortunately that it was quite exciting to chat with people. Women in particular. You could anonymously tell them anything and you could flirt and pretend that you weren’t who you were. You could be exciting. My wife caught me chatting with women. It was not a good time.

I also have told her that although I understand her feelings about it and that I also understand that it was 100% wrong, I think that classifying those times as affairs is inaccurate. No chat conversations at the time were anything ongoing at all and were for the most part single conversations that involved flirtatious talk. Across the line and unacceptable? Absolutely. Complete betrayal and horrible judgement on my part. I have no excuse for my actions they were mine to own. And I never even questioned how she labeled those actions until nearly 10 years later when she would still claim numerous affairs on my part.

Here she is correct. I did kiss another woman. It was a horrible act of betrayal and I have no excuse.

Fast forward a couple of years to my PA.

So now a little bit about my PA. No excuses here just what it was. My AP was the aggressor. I was weak and didn’t shut it down but she approached me and actively tried to instigate things before they ever did happen. Numerous times she would invite me over and I turned her down. Until I didn’t. I know that holds no water because ultimately I participated and didn’t end it before it started.

I mention about my PA because of the difference between mine and hers. I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter because an affair is an affair but right now I am so fresh in this I do feel like it matters a bit. I resisted a PA. Not well enough. Because I did it. So it doesn’t matter if I say no a thousand times as soon as I say yes it undoes that. But she was the admitted aggressor.

I know there's two sides to every story, and I understand that jondoe is also a BS and hurting right now, but by his own words, it doesn't sound like he was someone that cheated once and showed true remorse. If he was truly remorseful, why would he be comparing his affair(s) to his wife's? If he was truly remorseful, do you really think he would have mentioned how many times he said no? Or would have have realized that it doesn't matter, and saying that is an attempt to minimize what he did?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:00 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

"I gave her my life"

Take it back. Don't overthink and don't back away. Take it back with prejudice. Do it yesterday.

Her reaction was indifference. This time she refuses to cut contact with him. I Only asked that she cut contact with him until the wedding and I’ll be gone and not contest them being together. And she won’t do that. Done is done this time.

Jondoe,

Hey make movies, sell tickets, give out giant buckets of pop-corn. Title it "my wife she could have been a doctor"

Then it's time to go nuclear.

Ibonnie, I think you misunderstood my post. I never said anything about Jon's remorsefulness. I said that his WW is unremorseful and considering she won't go NC and end the A, he has nothing to work with for R.

nekonamida, my apologies if I misunderstood you. Wasn't trying to imply that you thought jondoe was a remorseful WS, just trying to clarify that he didn't cheat just once and learn from it, considering there were physical encounters with at least three separate women during their M, in addition to all his online conversations that crossed the line.

I never said anything about Jon's remorsefulness. I said that his WW is unremorseful and considering she won't go NC and end the A, he has nothing to work with for R.

No, I don't think Gravycake was remorseful for her actions, but if jondoe wasn't either, how could either of them be candidates for R?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:19 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]