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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 4:31 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2019
There are/were many WS's who have posted that there was absolutely nothing their BS's could have done to have stopped them from doing what they wanted to do. That doesn't mean their BS's were imperfect, it means the WS was going to do what they wanted to do regardless.
eta: to fix word to correct one
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:48 AM, May 13th (Monday)]
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 4:34 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2019
I agree with what Hiking Out says 100%. I was not a perfect wife, but I was a good one. If my WH had a problem with me - all he had to do was use his words and I would have fixed it. He was my world. Instead he kept it all inside. That is 1000% on him. I refuse to take the blame for that.
Now, we are reconciling. Now, that I know what he’s capable of and now that I know some of the things he was holding in - I have worked on them. That would be silly if I am trying to have a better marriage to not work on the things that I now know he was harboring resentments over. If he had come to me prior to cheating and said “thissucks, I wish you would greet me at the door every day when I come home from work, and make sure the toys from our kids are picked up and try more new foods” and I said “No, future WH, I refuse to do all of those things because I don’t care about your wants” then maybe I could take some responsibility for not doing my part. But, he never said a word, always said everything was great. And every time he came home and I was busy with the kids and there were toys on the floor - he just built up more and more of a wall. Then the COW came in and told him how lucky I was and how great she would be (single girl with no parenting experience, much less three kids and two pets running around) and talked lots of shit about me and now here we are.
This is why I say there is nothing I could have done - I am not a mind reader - kids are messy. The house was clean - kids just constantly get toys in and out of their toy baskets. I could have never known that he would not feel loved if I didn’t stop making dinner to greet him - I thought dinner when he walked in was what any man wanted. I thought sex whenever he wanted was enough. I had no clue that me being a somewhat picky eater (so not to waste money) in restaurants would ever be a problem!
I have fixed all of those issues. But if in 5 years he comes up with a bunch more resentments and chooses to never tell me - and does this all over again - that’s on him. All I can do is communicate effectively and do my part for us both to have a healthy, happy marriage.
DDay: 6/2016
“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 7:05 AM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2019
I usually post one of my favorite quotes from "When Harry Met Sally" on these types of threads. For some reason I forgot to do that for this thread. I will share it now.
Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns: Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
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