SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

STBXWW has done everything possible to deny that she is a narcissist

That's because narcs can't admit there's anything wrong with them. It would be too damaging to the ego. That's also why narcs can't change or get better. They would never seek treatment because they don't have a problem. Other personality disorders can be treated.

Being young and inexperienced in mental illness/relationships doesn't make you codependent.

Absolutely. I'll add just being ignorant of certain psychological issues no matter what your age. I can look back now and see signs of potential SA issues, but I can't blame myself for not seeing them because I just didn't know what those signs meant at the time. I had no experience with such people. They weren't glaring red flags in a normal person. It is beyond upsetting the way that some support groups come to the conclusion that "Oh, so you're with an addict. That means there's stuff wrong with you too. Gotta fix that." No. The person cheating on you is the fucked up one. Any issues you have are not related to them being cheaters.

Sure, we all have our issues that we could use improvement on, but the aftermath of DDay is not the time. That time is for trauma support, not "so you wound up with this person who hurt you terribly. What's wrong with you that made that possible?"

Idk how R would look for a BPD/NPD couple. I don't know how a BPD would handle that. Maybe lots of anger, but desperation that the NPD not leave?

I think it is going to be different in every situation, but I can share a little of my own personal experience.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at around age 20, which I refused to acknowledge or address. I was diagnosed with it again in 2016 (in my mid-40's), along with PTSD/Complex-PTSD, and persistent depressive disorder. I was also codependent at various points in my life. After doing extensive work on myself over the past 3 years, my psychiatrist has indicated that I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, however, I do still struggle with, and am actively addressing, my PTSD/Complex-PTSD and depression.

In my teens up to my mid-20's I had an on-again/off-again relationship with my now xH, who has Antisocial Personality Disorder with narcissistic features. He was abusive, controlling, and a serial cheater. I was not aware of, or familiar with, ASPD or NPD at the time.

My response to his cheating, up until the final betrayal was to rugsweep. I was absolutely terrified of his anger and abuse so I tended to keep my mouth shut. I internalized the pain I felt from being betrayed, and when the pain, self-loathing and sense of worthlessness got to be too much, I would self-harm or attempt suicide. I had been isolated from friends and family, had no money, was not allowed to work, and felt completely trapped. On the rare occasion that I had the courage and strength to leave, it wouldn't last long, because he would make promises to change, and use his abusive childhood to draw on my empathy, compassion, and codependent nature ("My love would heal him and he would change" . Combine that with a fear of abandonment, and I stayed longer, and tolerated way more than what I should have.

During one of the times I left I did engage in a ONS with an ex-boyfriend, in hopes that he would rescue me, and give me a reason to not go back to my xH. Turns out he just wanted sex and not me (shocker!). Feeling even more worthless than before, I went back to my xH. I never disclosed the ONS to him.

My xH then ended up in prison for quite a period of time. I remained faithful throughout. After being told for years that I could not live, survive or even function without him, I realized through living on my own and supporting myself during that time, that I actually could - that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. So when he was released and I discovered that he had been carrying on an EA while in jail, I was done.

If I look back at the dynamics now, I can see that the fear of abandonment and self-loathing from the BPD combined with the denial and control (believing my love could change him) of the CoD was a recipe for rugsweeping, and tolerating so much abuse and disrespect.

Would the dynamics have been different had there been no abuse involved? Quite likely. Had there not been overlapping of BPD and CoD would that have changed the dynamics again? Entirely possible. Would the dynamics have been different depending where on the spectrum each of our personality disorders feel? Where on the spectrum my CoD fell? I'm inclined to think yes.

There are just so many variables that can affect not just these types of relationships, but relationships in general, that we can't really make sweeping statements about them and paint them all with the same brush!

Sure, we all have our issues that we could use improvement on, but the aftermath of DDay is not the time. That time is for trauma support, not "so you wound up with this person who hurt you terribly. What's wrong with you that made that possible?"

I must not be reading the same threads that you have. What I have seen people say is more along the lines of "You sound like you may be codependent, and if so, that could be keeping you stuck in a relationship that is not healthy for you", or something similar.

I think part of trauma support is encouraging people to find the tools to make healthy choices - ones that are not going to retraumatize them. If someone is genuinely codependent, not addressing that codependency is very likely going to result in continued and/or new harms/traumas for them.

Certainly, in my case, the IC that identified it in me in the first few months after dday saved me from prolonging my pain, and I was able to address it early on. That allowed me to approach the decision between R vs D, with greater clarity, strength and a better understanding of what I wanted, and needed for myself, and my mental health, going forward.

IMHO, I think it can be more of a disservice to sit back and not say anything at all when there are indications that it's a possibility. Certainly the approach taken is important as well - IOW, posters need to be mindful of how they frame it.