SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would caution you, that may not last, it has been proven that children like to punish the stable parent, the reliable one. Are you fully prepared for when your children start acting out?

This^^^

My kids were also teens during the D process. They all knew about the A (one had discovered the texts on the phone right before I did) and they all knew about why I ended the marriage (discovered NC had never been honored) and my ex did a fuckton of acting out during the separation and became incredibly unstable. They all took it in turns to not speak to their father for months.

Five plus years on and one international relocation on top, my children have a decent relationship with their father which I'm very proud of. I have taken great care to walk the line between validating their feelings and allowing them to love their dad. I've also had each of them in IC at very points so they could process what they've been through and it's helped enormously.

But I've also born the brunt of a huge amount of acting out from my kids. One kid fucked up his A levels, one kid had a suicide attempt and one kid would have screaming rages that would last hours. Those are just the highlights, a ton of minor acting out in between.

Your STBXH is in a dark place in large part of your own making. He's unstable and down a rabbit hole. It's okay for your children to react to that and not want to be exposed to that pain. My kids couldn't stand to see their father cry continuously during weekends when he had them and stopped seeing him at that time. But that won't last forever and the building blocks that you start with now to ensure a future relationship with their father are going to be very important for your children. Everyone needs two parents. If you undermine that for them, you are hurting them long term.

I'm also concerned that this post is a little on the "manic" side of the spectrum. Are you sure your medication is stabilizing you??

Agree with many here regarding kids and acting out.

I was the BS - XWH was a total shit the last few years of our marriage. He was an alcoholic, he had LTA and treated us all very badly. My kids really struggled with their relationship with him. I was always the stable parent and I got the brunt of all their angst. My oldest (18) was angry and vented quite often. Not directed at me but I had to endure it and try to guide him. My 16 year old was very vocal both about her "hate" for her father and for all the "bad choices" I had made (like marrying him for starters). Add to that the intentional ignoring school work, teachers, etc. and it was a shit storm of epic proportions.

Fast forward - eldest is much more level set and is trying. Middle is still vocal but not as often nor as "mean spirited". Youngest has special needs and thankfully doesn't quite get the angst and turmoil. XWH has gotten better at dealing with kids and owning how poor his choices/decisions have been. While I don't feel obligated to be his cheerleader, I do feel obligated to guide the kids into wanting and attaining a healthy relationship with him. I have listened endlessly to their side and offered advice. I told my middle child that my decisions were mine and not up for discussion. She's entitled to have her opinions but she is not entitled to berate me. They will get there but it takes time.

Be very careful to not get overly confident with how happy things are. We had a great honeymoon period when XWH moved out - it was quiet and quite normal - after years of turmoil. Then boom - reality hit that life was not the same nor would it ever be. Enjoy it but realize it can change on a dime with teens. Not sure why your 16 year old is mad at Dad for leaving (as he is the BS) but you should get in front of that sooner than later. Do your children know the full story?

I dunno, maybe I'm wrong.. but I see Root looking for praise for the fallout of her BS leaving.

It sounds like the kids have no idea of the true cause of the family's destruction.

The problem is this.. The truth always comes out.

Will Root be prepared for when that happens?

While Root may find those who will stand behind her for various issues that are a result of her BS leaving. Cause he's likely lost in his emotions and fighting that mental shitstorm we all go through as BS's. Cause responsibilities, are responsibilities.. and yes, we all get it.

But Root's BS will not be in that hellhole forever and when he heals and starts to put his life back together.. and everything will be brought to light..

I worry for Root when that happens.

I think she is giddy because it sounds like she is getting her mental issues under control. She feels more in control of herself and her life. As a result, her relationship with her kids is improving. Why shouldn’t she be happy about that?

My concern, as someone with experience with mental health problems, is that Root is getting an initial burst of "good mental health" having just started DBT class.

It doesn't sound like much but doing a DBT class is a lot of time and effort and money. I'm guessing that it's an hour a week one-on-one with a therapist, a 2.5 hour class each week, and homework. It's really easy to do this for a week or two. It's a lot harder to do it for several months.

My STBXWW (who is hardly a great example) became resentful of the cost of my class. I have great insurance, so I had merely a $25 co-pay per session. But, that was $50 per week (class + one-on-one therapy)... plus a monthly psychiatry visit (another $25 co-pay) and suddenly we have a mental health bill of $225-$250 each month.

It's hard. It's like an exercise program. It's easy to go out for a 45 minute walk each day. But, try doing that for a year.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 12:15 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

BH sent the most heinous of texts to our daughter. People at work say it’s mental abuse. As much as you think this is me it isn’t. I’m not going to repeat it for privacy reasons. BH has been mean to her. Yelled at her. She is the happiest kid ever but even she has limits.

I think you are doing fine Root. In fact I think you are doing an amazing job. This has been a high stress situation and you've dealt with it like a champ. I've always felt like something is going on with your ex. Maybe it's understandable for him to unravel, but he's acting weird beyond that and he's not treating the kids well.

Keep as much distance as you can. Don't fan the flames with the kids, just give them guidance on having boundaries with people not treating them well, including their father. Sounds like you are doing that. Whatever you do, don't get in the middle or try to fix anything. I can't remember if you have custody orders in place but if so stick to the letter of those like glue and if not, get them. Treat this like a fire where if you put your own emotions into it, the flames will get bigger. Don't react.

[This message edited by annanew at 1:03 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

I'm sorry your daughter was upset but I don't understand something.

You say you won't share the contents of the email on SI for privacy reasons. SI is a group of strangers on the internet, we don't know you or your husband it's highly unlikely we would identify you from the email. I get it though, what I don't understand is that you have shared it with your coworkers, people who know your husband, your family.

I don't know, it's just seems kind of manipulative to me.

Regarding your husband and daughter I would suggest to your husband that he think about family counselling with the kids.

I would suggest to your husband that he think about family counselling with the kids.

This is something that Root, should be championing for also.

I can see why he is lashing out.. My WW does this at times as she doesn't like that the kids will often choose me over her. She later chalk's it up to her actions and then gives them space.. Even though, most of these instances it cause I preplan events with the kids. They are simply excited to go.

He is feeling that same effect, when he is not the one who did anything wrong.. So not like he can chalk it up to being a faithful husband??? So there's no mental outlet for him to let it vent from.

Root....

You have been asked several times (in several different threads) if your teenaged children know about your affair and I have yet to see an answer from you.

Why are you ignoring this question?