SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now that I'm a little ways out from DDay and divorced and have started dating again. I find myself in situations where I fall out of likes, not love b/c I don't really love anyone new at this point, but def. lose feelings for someone,or lose interest in a GF and most of the time, you cannot turn it around.

Not condoning what the WWards do, or the affair, but had me thinking that maybe in the exit affair scenario, the WWs have fallen out of love, and were just staying around for the comfort and the kids. There wasn't much a BS could do when they had no idea that the WW felt this way, but slowly but surely the WW just get more detached, and anyone could have come along, whether a player or not and would have been an easy pick up for them. Again, not condoning the cheating, as they should come out and have said something was wrong, so that we can try to fix it through MC or the church, or at least have the dignity to and courage to come clean about wanting to divorce.

But i can see falling out of love, and to the point that there isn't much hope. SO they just wait until something better comes along b/c they lack courage. Can't blame them for falling out of love, or losing interest, but what a crappy way of going about things. Just shows a level of selfishness, integrity and immaturity.

Just shows a level of selfishness, integrity and immaturity

This is very true... 100%

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 6:25 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

You’re assuming a WW knows how to truly love in the first place. That is a huge assumption given the number that lack empathy, abandon their children, etc...

I think many know how to be loved, far fewer know how to love.

If you think of love as just as a feeling, then yes, we’re probably all doomed to fall out of love with our partners. There were many days I didn’t have warm, loving feelings towards my spouse. But love, to me, is a choice. It’s a commitment. It’s the maturity to realize that feelings are fleeting and shouldn’t dictate our actions - especially when those actions hurt those we’ve made promises to.

Adaira, you are absolutely correct. Its a feeling, and you are absolutely correct in that like my parents, there is no divorce. Once you commit, for the family and children, you try to work it out. Life is tough, and our WWs take the easy route.

Phantasmagoria: you are also probably right on the extent that they don't know how to love. But I also challenge the fact that, its not that they only know how to be loved, b/c I have a feeling that my ex, who had/has poor self esteem probably was unable to accept love as well.

Talking about poor self esteem, an affair would give you a very temporary jolt of esteem from multiple partners wanting you, but once its said and done, and you get exposed to the community, that's one sure fire way to drop back down and well below where you start. I'm sure now my exWW has even a darker outlook on herself. What she has done to the kids, the other innocent kids on the other side, and her on reputation probably has her pretty low. It'll take yrs of counseling, but just goes to show a quick hit from an affair is like a bad drug, it does not good long term. They will have to live with this for their remainder of their lives on this Earth

HalfTime I've been thinking along these same lines for a while now.

I think many more affairs than widely recognized are exit affairs in every sense of the term. The marriage sucks, someone else makes a play and wham.

This is one of the reasons I'm not as sold on R as many people seem to be.

whatIknowNow;

I think the exit affairs more or less are primarily women. I don't have the stats to back that up, but have been reading on here for a bit. Seems that the men, are out for strange more often than not. The women are the ones that get caught up on the emotional side of things.

But I will tell you that my marriage was pretty good. Not a lot of fighting, family vacations with both hers and mine. We both had good jobs, and supported each other. We both did support the kids, along with help from my mom. I was blindsided by it, but I wouldn't say that the marriage sucks. If that was the case, I wouldn't have been so caught off guard.

I think that falling out of love happens gradually, and people tend to hold on b/c of the family unit, lifestyle and children. But if someone comes along, and wayward has been feeling lost in that way for a bit, and have poor boundaries and integrity, they let themselves get sucked in. Then they start to reason with themselves even more as to why they did it, and without wanting to take any blame, or to view themselves as the homewreckers that they are, they start blameshifting, and rewriting the marital history so that they can tell a story for the public that has been bleached of the horrible actions and decisions.

The last thing is, falling out of love, and eventually cheating is not the final knife some of these waywards throw, they also continue to be shitty people in the divorce proceedings like my wife and Barchers.

Wayward's environment doesn't help either... My WW blindsided me, when I found out things were awry..

But I later found that certain family members in her family had knowledge of the intention..

Of course the ones that had little integrity and didn't like me.. Which I am sure, only cheered her on..

Till shit hit the fan and then they played stupid.. To not look bad.

I recall a conversation with my brother-in-law, who at the time talked as if he didn't know what was going on... I later found out that he knew all along

But he went on and on about a "friend of his" had his girlfriend cheat and walk out on him.. and kept rambling on about how the guy must have not known how to lay pipe and crap like that.. I ended up just walking away..

Turns out that about year later, I found out that it happened to him too.. His gf of 5 years cheated and kicked him out of her place.

I think you should define love. I do not fall in and out of love by my definition.

Read Phantasmagoria and Adaira's posts again. Perhaps that will help.

The new or ego validation does subside as does the dopamine high associated with initial physical attraction and mating behavior of some humans.

Regarding the concept of an exit affair, do they all not fit this definition depending on the response of the betrayed spouse and if the wayward spouse is "monkey" branching.

Ripped62:

How does one go about defining love on a site like this? It means different things for different people. It is a feeling? I think that would be the most logical explanation of the 4 letter word, at least for myself. And those feelings come with a list of commitments or obligations, that also vary depending on the type of love.

If we look at the definition of love, I think it does correlate here.

1. A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship.

2. A strong feeling of affection and concern for another person accompanied by sexual attraction.

By definition, on a dating, romance level, those feelings need to take place to build that bond and relationship. Its not surprising that you might have just met once would trigger that level of feelings or loyalty to, but thru time and experience we do end up falling in love; and those feelings and concern for that individual grows. So if things continue to go south during a relationship, those feelings also have the ability to dissipate. It could take yrs, but through wear and tear I see it happening all the time, look at the divorce rate in the US.

I do believe my wayward ExH was looking for a way out, and he did throw out a lot of warning signs and red flags, before he dumped me (over the phone) one day after meeting a woman he ended up dating for the next three months. He started dating someone else within days of being dumped by OW, and has been with that second woman for 10 months now.

Warning signs included him buying face cream to make himself look younger. Having me set up a Facebook page for him, after years of refusing to go on social media because he thought people used it to cheat. His short temper with me over things that would not bother the ordinary person. His lack of support and refusal to work out with me. His criticism of my 20-pound weight gain. Weight I ended up losing, and then some.

I know that when he met me, my husband was just physically infatuated, whereas I truly loved him, flaws and all. I loved him through his shitty treatment of me, his bad temper, HIS weight fluctuations. I took MY commitment seriously, I was in it through the long haul - even though I knew that feelings in relationships ebb and flow.

To this day, he will say he 'did everything he could' to save our marriage. If by that he means cheating, lying and emotional abuse, then he's right. His feelings for me turned out to be superficial, even though it's possible he thought in the beginning that he loved me.

So when he left, it was not for someone he'd known for a long time, or who was even particularly attractive. She was just thinner, and available. If he had loved me, he never would have left me, and certainly NOT for literally the first woman who came along.

I don't think he fell out of love so much as he never truly loved me to begin with. It's been a tough pill to swallow, since I knew and loved him for my entire adult life.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 9:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

These are examples of love that I have embraced over the years. Many are similar or adopted from quotes on SI. I hope you may appreciate them as I have. They really spoke to me before and after my divorce.

“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.”

Brene Brown:

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

Kiersten White:

"I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”

There are others. These come immediately to mind. I hope this helps. I attempted to share a small portion of my perspective based upon my work and healing.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Regarding feelings....

Melanie Beattie

“

How important are feelings?” Feelings are not the end all and be all to living. Feelings must not dictate or control our behaviors, but we can’t ignore our feelings either. They won’t be ignored. Our feelings are very important. They count. They matter. The emotional part of us is special. If we make feelings go away, if we push them away, we lose an important part of us and our lives. Feelings are our source of joy, as well as sadness, fear, and anger. The emotional part of us is the part that laughs as well as cries. The emotional part of us is the center for giving and receiving the warm glow of love. That part of us lets us feel close to people. That part of us lets us enjoy touch and other sensual feelings. Our feelings are also indicators. When we feel happy, comfortable, warm, and content, we usually know all is well in our world, for the present moment. When we feel uncomfortable with anger, fear, or sadness, our feelings are telling us there’s a problem. The problem may be inside us—something we’re doing or thinking—or it may be external. But something is going wrong. Feelings can be positive motivators too. Anger can motivate us to solve a bothersome problem. Fear encourages us to run from danger. Repeated hurt and emotional pain tell us to stay away. Our feelings can also provide us with clues to ourselves: our desires, wants, and ambitions. They help us discover ourselves, what we are really thinking. Our emotions also tap into that deep part of us that seeks and knows truth, and desires self-preservation, self-enhancement, safety, and goodness. Our emotions are connected to our conscious, cognitive thought process and to that mysterious gift called instinct or intuition. There is, however, a darker side to emotions. Emotional pain hurts. It can hurt so badly we think all we are or ever will be is our emotional part. Pain and sadness can linger. Fear can be a stopper; it can prevent us from doing the things we want and need to do to live our lives. Sometimes we can get stuck in emotions—trapped in a well of a certain dark feeling—and think we’ll never get out. Anger can fester into resentments and bitterness and threaten to linger indefinitely. Sadness can turn into depression, almost smothering us. Some of us live with fear for long periods of time. Our feelings can trick us, too. Our emotions can lead us into situations where our heads tell us not to go. Sometimes feelings are like cotton candy; they appear to be more than they actually are. In spite of the darker side of emotions—the painful ones, the ones that linger, and the tricky ones—there is an even bleaker picture if we choose to become unemotional. Not feeling our feelings, withdrawing emotionally, and pushing that part of us away can be unpleasant, unhealthy, and self-destructive. Repressing or denying feelings can lead to headaches, stomach disorders, backaches, and generally weakened physical conditions which can open the door to many illnesses. Repressing feelings—particularly if we are doing it during the denial stage of the grief process—can lead us into trouble with overeating, undereating, alcohol and other drug use, compulsive sexual behaviors, compulsive spending, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, obsessing, controlling gestures, and other compulsive behaviors. 3 Feelings are energy. Repressed feelings block our energy. We don’t do our best when we’re blocked. Another problem with repressed feelings is they don’t go away. They linger, sometimes growing stronger and causing us to do many peculiar things. We have to stay one step ahead of the feeling, we have to stay busy, we have to do something. We don’t dare get quiet and peaceful because we might then feel these emotions. And the feeling might squeak out anyway, causing us to do something we never intended to do: scream at the kids, kick the cat, spill on our favorite dress, or cry at the party. We get stuck in feelings because we’re trying to repress them, and like a persistent neighbor, they will not go away until we acknowledge their presence. The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings.”.

Her writings explains my perspective much better than I ever could. I added this in response to your original post.

I hope it provides alternative thoughts regarding feelings for your consideration.

HalfTime2017 -

Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?

She talks about this in the book, which is basically the bible on infidelity. If you haven't read it, I strongly suggest you get it. I believe she also says that the exit affairs are primarily women; and that men give attention for sex, women sex for attention.

Love changes over time. In the beginning it's all that endorphins flowing - the warm and fuzzies. But it will later change into something else - mutual respect, care and fellowship. The endorphin thing goes away.

Some people (women mostly, but men too) want that rush back and go looking for it. They'll find it, but it will go away again. So they look again, and again, and again.

Not being able to move past the warm and fuzzies and build a lasting connection with someone is (part of) what is described as being "broken inside."

After two plus years of false hope, false R and lies, my XWH told me that he hadn't loved me for years - ouch. That hurt a lot! I always loved him - good, bad and ugly. For me love was a choice. I made a commitment and never made leaving an option. I did my level best to be a good wife in all areas of our marriage; our family. To him love was more of a feeling and he didn't feel happy so he moved on. I'd have respected him more if he had left before he cheated rather than cheat and continue to do so while promising to be working on himself for our marriage.

I'm slowly moving on. There is still a lot of hurt and lots of scarring. I'm afraid that I'll never want to date or find someone who wants to date me. This has all screwed with my self esteem in ways he will never know or understand. I had to quit IC due to $$ but luckily have good support from family and friends. One day at a time, right?