SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With OBS gone for the weekend.... do you really have to ask where your STBXW went?

I knew this marriage was doomed when you wrote that she contacted him and asked him what he want to do after you confronted her.

You're doing as well as can be expected, given the circumstances. Take care of your personal health and move forward with the divorce as swiftly as possible. Try not to get too caught up in her mess. What she does is upto her, your job is to look after your interests as best as you can.

Not sure with who.

You know enough why continue to pain shop.

I will admit that without her and the kids, I often feel very lonely.

It's a change to your lifestyle but living in infidelity will get you what?

Well, it's been almost six weeks now.

I have had D papers drawn up. I have prepared some finances. I have calculated that I can keep the house myself. I would prefer primary custody, but we live in a 50/50 county, so that is the least I would accept. I am considering having her meet with me and my attorney to explain her options when I file.

I am eating, exercising, and keeping busy. I have started making dinners myself to prepare for MY life without WW.

The main reasons I am holding back exposing to her coworkers, extended family, and friends is until after D so that there is not a support issue if she would lose her job AND because she is the mother to our children and I don't want to hurt them even indirectly through effects on her.

When do I start a new thread in the divorce/separation forum?

Were the papers served? What was her reaction?

That plan makes sense to me.

Anotherthought, you could rationalize to her that you getting primary custody would give her a better opportunity to start her new life with the OM . She will have more freedom and time to spend laying the relationship foundation with him without having to deal with taking care of the needs and logistics of the children. After all, if the business of raising kids get in the way too much of their budding romance the OM might think it is too much of a hassle to continue their affai...I mean, relationship.

It is a strategy to get what you are seeking. She will continue to deny there was an affair but the offer will percolate in her head. If she agrees to give you primary it will be because of some excuse that she concocts. I would just go with it and avoid further discussion of her cheating on the topic of custody.

But yes, once the ink dries on the petition then invite everyone else to peruse the evidence and let them come to their own conclusions.

7 weeks ago, we had a 10 year anniversary dinner and later that night I found out about her affair.

I have not served her D papers yet.

I have scheduled a meeting with my attorney next week and I plan on inviting my WW to attend to explain my options - filing either fault to embarrass her or no fault and be amicable is she is willing to meet my conditions.

She has asked to talk to me tomorrow to go over finances.

This is really hard and I feel really sorry for anybody going through anything like this.

I've booked a vacation for me and my daughters to go to Florida and visit Disney World. I've also tried to schedule a lot of weekends up to keep busy and distracted and moving forward.

I haven't talked to the OBS in a couple days. My WW is not even really talking to her mother, but she said that when she does my WW sounds 'crazy'.

WW is going to end up just like her father and his whacked out family in which all of them have major issues = cheating, drug problems, an uncle that is a woman beater, etc...

The main reasons I am holding back exposing to her coworkers, extended family, and friends is until after D so that there is not a support issue if she would lose her job AND because she is the mother to our children and I don't want to hurt them even indirectly through effects on her.

The kids are already hurt. They just don't know their family as they knew has been destroyed yet.

Keeping them in the dark or lying to them will only increase their anxiety.

Kids aren't stupid.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:54 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

MNHG, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Divorce her and move on with your life. Somewhere out there is a woman who will love you and be faithful to you.

Good luck and keep posting.

Don't lie to your children, it's not your job to protect her and help her hide her A, she didn't/doesn't think about them when she gets naked with OM, just tell them in a sanitized way, like "We're divorcing because mommy has a boyfriend and that's unacceptable, his name is POSOM. Yes name him, children are not stupid and she will try to introduce him as someone she just met.

I have scheduled a meeting with my attorney next week and I plan on inviting my WW to attend to explain my options - filing either fault to embarrass her or no fault and be amicable is she is willing to meet my conditions.

She has asked to talk to me tomorrow to go over finances.

Does your attorney know you plan on bringing your WW? Typically in a divorce scenario, the attorney will only represent one of you in order to prevent any conflict of interest. So it's quite likely that if you guys haven't cleared this plan beforehand, you're going to go in there and get a rather generic outline of how divorce laws work in your state and a recommendation that she seek her own council. And that's not a big deal, but it does seem like a waste of your time and legal dollars to do a really generic meeting. What's more troubling though is the signal it sends to your WW, like you're going to help her navigate her way through the divorce process, like you're going to make it YOUR responsibility somehow.

The last thing you want to do if you're not 100% sure that you're done with this marriage is to make the process of leaving it an EASY thing for your WW. She's chosen a difficult course, and it's not incumbent upon you to smooth her way. In terms of meeting for a financial discussion, what is it that she needs to know? If you don't already know the EXACT agenda of the meeting, you're likely to get surprised into making concessions you haven't thought through yet.

My advice would be that if she wants to divorce you, she pulls up her big girl pants and figures it out. Not saying you should be overtly difficult, just that you shouldn't make breaking up her family dynamic a cakewalk for her. And in regard to the financial meeting, why not request that she email you an agenda for the meeting citing a need to make sure you've got all the information at hand? If she balks, you can reschedule.

@ChamomileTea:

Yes, I know that the lawyer is MINE only. I did tell the attorney about bringing her to the meeting. I have already met with attorney a couple of times and retained her services. She said she cannot be a neutral 3rd party nor advise WW.

My thinking is that this is another REAL step towards D, informing her of my plans, and trying to get her to agree to amicable settlement on MY terms. I think I want the house, I know the minimum I will accept is 50/50 custody but would prefer primary, be fair with splitting marital assets, but if she is not agreeable, then she can expect an expensive legal battle and even more exposure about the A, probably sooner than she would like and that could make her life even more difficult especially at what is most important to her - her job.

I am looking to protect myself and my future, also do the best for my children and their future.

I'm happy for you that you're moving forward with your plans mrnice. Getting yourself out of infidelity and taking your life back are hard steps to take but in the end your life will be better and less drama filled than it was.

Know that nothing you did changed the direction your STBX was going. She was headed toward divorce all along. I suspect she was just stringing you along so she didn't have to reveal her true desires until things settled down with the other man. Thankfully you told the OBS and now she can decide for herself what direction she wishes to take. She, like you, may be employing a strategy toward divorce but needs to step lightly until everything is in place.

I wish the best for you. A bright future awaits you beyond the clouds you're in right now. You'll know when you've mentally made it out of the wreckage when you view your STBX with total indifference. Remember again that you are the prize. You are worth much more than you know. Take care of yourself.

I agree with ChamomileTea. She might pressure you into accepting a financial agreement that is not in your favor.

She can talk financials in the presence of your lawyer.

Make sure you stress that it is in her best interest to settle the D quickly and in your favor. If not, HR will will be hearing from you concerning her work A.

If it was me, even if she agrees to everything you want, after the D is final, then I would inform her job of her lack of professional behavior during work hours with POSOM. Actions always have consequences in my world.

The Affair is SOOOOOOO NOT over!!!

I have been talking to the OBS and we have determined that my WW and her WH have basically been meeting every chance they get.

That fact shouldn't surprise you. A cheater is gonna cheat.

You know this already

Of course the affair isn’t over. This is why your wife is in the guest room. She is hanging on to your marriage while her cake eater adultery partner kissed his wife’s ass. Of course still having sex with your wife.

This guy is a cake eater. Your wife is 100% okay with hurting anyone in her path to get the other man

Why keep kicking this can down the road?

What's it getting you?

At this time you need to pick your self respect off the floor and make a decision.