SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you really want a wife that is only staying with you because the AP won’t tell and leave his wife?

Honestly the biggest test will be if the OBS and AP break up what your wife does.

You should only want her to stay if you are her one and only true love. If it’s him, then let her go. Some low percentage of 2nd marriages work and far fewer born out of infidelity work.

If it were me I’d throw her at him. Tell her not to come back until she can convince me that she’s worthy of me as her husband.

Read THE 180 found here in the Healing Library and implement it. Honestly I’m all for reconciliation, but not with someone pining away for someone else.

I’d at least tell her parents what she has done. And then I’d tell her to consider me no longer her husband and partner until she has fully made sure he is out of your lives forever and she STARTS the work to help you heal and repair the damage she has done.

Only then will you BEGIN to discuss having some sort of relationship again.

If she can’t do that tell her you wish her luck and she should only communicate thru your lawyer.

Honestly it’s the only way to rebuild and repair after infidelity like this. I know you want that not to be true. You want to be able to “nice” her back in love with you. But as you will find out, that’s not the way it works.

Please listen to us and what we are saying. It’s borne of experience.

The OM has already told her that the crazy jealous husband accused him of having an affair with his wife. And actually came to the house. So it will be hard to convince her otherwise, but you really should if you have any desire to repair your marriage. Would you want her to tell you if she found out first? Hell maybe she already know and failed to tell you.

WW is sad the affair is (for now) over, she is sad that she will be losing a "friend" she is upset about work, but they will still work together and neither one is really looking for a job and oh yeah she may be a little sorry she fucked up her marriage. But knows that it will blow over.

Meeting up with the OM shows how she gives her A much higher a priority than her M. Next it will be she met him for closure (sex) and she doesn't know what she wants...

Unless you want this to go on forever or until she decides to leave, you should tell her what Bigger says. She is free to date the OM or anyone else but not as your wife. If dating OM makes her happy then go do it, but as an ex wife not a wife.

It is very weird that she tells you that she met him, still loves him and is confused. Maybe she is trying to see if you really "care" as many BS would be totally ballistic if their WS came home from a walk and said she met her BF to "talk". How did you react to that. Are you resigned to the idea that she will end her A if and when she wants to?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:19 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Well, we will just add another name to the list of "I wish I had listened to you guys" - because things just got worse.

What you are doing is a version of the "pick me dance" and by not telling - you are only protecting the cheaters, and giving them more incentive to take it further underground.

Not to mention, making yourself look weak, so the OM comes out looking better than you.

I mean, he even rejected her, and she still went back to him, and chooses him over you.

The OM is probably laughing behind your back (and probably in your face) because he is the alpha male that YOU gave ALL of your power to.

All you are doing is protecting him - the affair - and your wife from consequences.

It's sad, but we see it go down like this all the time.

Exposing IS the best way to save your relationship, but it requires courage. You are showing a lack of courage, and therefore, will probably lose in all of this.

Sorry to say - -

Just my opinion

Can Not Believe

I know it sucks to be in this place. It is likely that your emotions will go all over the place. You will have moments of great intimacy and probably great sex. It's the shock.

Tell the OBS. I was the OBS in my H's As and in both cases the APs BSs found out about the A and didn't tell me because they didn't want to hurt me or blow up a M. Had the 1st BH told me when their A was active, we might have D (because he was deep in the fog) we might have R, I don't know. But one thing I am sure of is that the lies would have stopped 8 years sooner.

well every relation is different. The OP decoded the best deal for him is what he has done. However as others say it opens him to future heart breaks if WW is not fully committed. Also the POSOM may think BS is afraid to do anything

Thank you to all for the responses.

I guess I know that I have to tell the OBS.

I have IC tonight. After that, I plan on having a least a little talk with my FWW later.

I am currently planning on the best way to make sure that both the POSOM and my FWW are at work tomorrow, then I can go to their house and talk to the OBS. I have a bunch of evidence with hotel dates, conference dates, he even took his family on a vacation to FL while my FWW was there with our kids visiting her parents just so he could meet her on the beach for half an hour. I know they could only manage to talk because her parents never watch the kids alone.

So, hopefully the conversation goes well and she takes the news as best as one can...

It is just so tough considering we are both children of divorce and I am so scared of hurting our children.

I am trying to do as much of the 180 as I can. I am pretty sure that I will be better off in the future - either way.

Keep strong Hockey guy. It will be tough but I am pretty sure that you will feel better after you expose. You will be acting instead of reacting to her crazyness.

You need to look out for you and the kids, not her.

DO NOT tell your WW that you are telling the OBS.

Her BF will call her ASAP and say WTF did Hockey guy do!!

I am so scared of hurting our children.

Aren't you actually protecting your children?

Is it better for kids to live in a broken home with a mother who is putting her BF before them or to be from a broken home, spending 1/2 their time with at least one parent who will give them 100% attention.

Be prepared for your WW to be under the bus once the you inform the OBS. The idea of no BF no family may snap her head around, but that will take a lot of time. Are you willing to wait?

One thing jumps out at me in your last post - FWW

She has not earned the F. She is not former. She met up with OP today. That is not F in any stretch of the imagination.

Do not grant intentions to her that she is not showing.

You are her back up plan. You're afraid that if you tell OBS, he will choose your wife and you're screwed. This is called "The Pick Me" dance for a reason. It is the very worst thing you can do for your marriage.

Your best move is to recognize you ain't no back up plan. That you are moving toward divorce as your best way out of infidelity and she has a limited amount of time to pull her head out of her nether parts and recognize she's about to become fully available and all that means, living on her own, paying her own bills, and everything that goes with being a single mom who only has her kids part time because she took her best life for granted for a cheap thrill.

Even if OBS blows up and kicks her WH out and files for divorce does not mean your wife wins the prize she's hoping for. He's likely to dump her because he's losing everything and paying child support because of her. She represents all of his bad choices and will probably fight to recover his marriage rather than go after her.

Whatever scenario plays out, do not award your wife any positives at this point. She has not earned them. She has no remorse. She had sex with you. Period. End of story. She regrets it, hence her running to OM immediately after.

You are not guaranteed to be Divorcing. But she needs to know you are willing to do it. You cannot live a life the next 40-50 years knowing your wife prefers someone else to you.

So tell her what you need to stay in the marriage.

- She needs to find a way to ensure this man is out of your lives forever. If she can’t, then you can’t stay in the relationship.

- she needs IC with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity

- she needs to provide a ful timeline of the affair

- she needs to write an apology letter to you that shows she understands how she has hurt you

- provide a post-nup that gives you beneficial D terms if she cheats again

- she needs to start chasing you as if you were someone she just met and is interested in you as a romantic partner

- she needs to find a way to convince you that you are the love of her life and she needs you in it more than any other person

There are 25 more things I can put out there, but you should tell her she should create the plan to repair what she has destroyed.

Then I’d tell her “until I see these things well on their way to being done, all of them, I’ll be moving on. I have absolutely little faith that you can do these things. I hope you prove me wrong.

Talk to a lawyer, tell them to start to prepare papers.

This is more serious than I think you’ll let yourself believe.

I’m sorry.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:14 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Hello MrHockey.

First, your wife is not a "FWW". Not even close. She is still actively cheating on you. Therefore, by extension, you are still living in infidelity.

Second, you are doing the right thing by informing OBS.

Third, as to protecting your children, your wife has been sleeping with a work colleague for the better part of a year, denying you sex in the process. Is that a healthy environment for your kids? Your wife created this mess, not you.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:19 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Were you confused about what the "F" means in FWW? Because if she arranged to see him on her "walk" she is in no way "former" which is the traditional meaning here.

And goalong I have to disagree

well every relation is different. The OP decoded the best deal for him is what he has done. However as others say it opens him to future heart breaks if WW is not fully committed. Also the POSOM may think BS is afraid to do anything

I can't see how this is good advice. Every relation is different sure but there are a lot of similarities. Did you read this thread? She got up from bed with him, after saying it was over with the AP, and went and met him. Do you really think we should tell him that he has made the right decisions so far? What is the use of this site if you just tell someone to do whatever they think is right for them and ignore the experience of the people on this forum?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 3:31 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Expose without warning your wife or they will conspire against you.

Let them deal with the aftermath.

I have IC tonight. After that, I plan on having a least a little talk with my FWW later.

Frankly you're showing a lot of weakness, what else is there to talk about ? your WW (she's not a former WW) is in an active A with OM, she doesn't respect you at all, OM is plan A for her, right now you maybe plan B at best, that should be simply unacceptable, tell me what are you going to tell her ? please don't fuck OM ? come on, your WW is so far gone the ONLY chance to shock her back to reality now is to file for D and EXPOSE to EVERYONE especially OBS without warning ! D takes a long time, let your WW fight for M, if she doesn't then you have your answer, it takes two to R and you can't do it by yourself, the "pick me dance" never works, don't wait for tomorrow, EXPOSE TODAY, right now over the phone, and text her some proof, you can meet her in person tomorrow if need be.

Just to reiterate what others have stated mrnicehockeyguy. Your cheating wife is sad because the other man won't run away with her. She allowed him to choose first. That means that she wants him more than she wants you. I hope that fact solidifies in your head because that's what most betrayed spouses call a deal-breaker; and for good reason.

Also, you're calling your WW a FWW. Your WW is not a FWW. As I and others have noted, she's actively pursuing contact with her affair partner. She's going to attempt to win him over so he decides for her instead of his family. You really need to understand this; it's another deal-breaker.

I get that you're depressed and in despair right now. It's a terrible situation you're in but you really need to garner all the anger that you can and take control of this situation away from them. They're still driving the train that is your life. You save yourself by taking the controls back from both of them.

From one hockey guy to another, listen to these members. In my past situation I was that OBS. I was in denial at first when the affair was exposed to me but the OM's wife left me printout pages of evidence to go over and it eventually started to sink in for me. Yes, I won't lie that it brought my world as I knew it to an end, but that wasn't the OM wife's fault. It was my then WW's fault taking part in it. She did this to me and our kids, our marriage. I divorced her as a result. Trust me when I say the OM and your WW would love nothing more than for you to be too afraid to their dirty little tryst to the OBS and to all your family and friends. They would love it if YOU kept their secret for them out of shame.

Give the OBS a copy of your evidence that you have along with any notes of you own that you can provide that will help th OBS make sense of it all. Leave her various means of contact as well - cell#, email, facebook, etc.

I am a child of divorce as well. My kids are now children of divorce. You should know that as long as one of the parents remains the stable and reliable one for the kid(s) they will end up just fine. They just need to adopt to the change. YOU be their "normal" that they can rely on. YOU be the rock. The absolute worse scenarios for you and your kids is if you remain in that marriage with a wife, their mother, who continues to pine for that douche bag. It will change their view about you and warp their view about relationships. Be a great example of what a strong spouse and parent looks like that rejects the bullshit that is infidelity, draws clear boundaries of what you will and will not accept in your situation, and acts to enforce it and deliver consequences to preserve your self respect.

As long as I've been a member here and as many stories I've read this "nicing" them back approach NEVER works. Why? Because you are handing the wayward all the power to deal with the situation as she wishes.

I just reread your first post on this thread where you said your major reservation with R is how she ever going to fall in love with you again. This is so wrong. Your major reservation should be if she is really worth the time, the effort, the broken trust issue, the always wondering about her and the POS still communicating, and oh so much more that you are going to have to contend with in the years to come. If she doesn't love you then here is the advice I have given many times before. "Never stay with someone who doesn't love you for it will suck the joy of life out of you. It is a recipe for misery and hurt." As far as "scorched earth", she is the one who should be in fear of that. I live in a small town and I know what people will think if you go scorched earth on her. She won't be able to show her face for a good long time. I really can't believe you calmly stood by while she went on a walk to meet her AP. The straw that broke the camel's back has already been thrown. She just threw a whole bale of straw on the camel while he was down. It's time for her to know that you either R (if you want) or it's time to divorce and tell EVERYONE why, and how and with whom. And yes, tell the other BS. If he leaves his wife and runs off with your wife then you know she won't worth the effort. Advice from an old military soldier. You never win a war by hiding in a foxhole. I do wish you well.

The reason you tell OBS is OM will toss your WW under the bus to save his marriage. She will see OM for who he is and the affair for what it is.

Any attorney or IC will tell you not to contact OBS because they could be liable for any fall out that may occur.

Exposure kills the affair fog.

The reason you tell OBS is OM will toss your WW under the bus to save his marriage. She will see OM for who he is and the affair for what it is.

Any attorney or IC will tell you not to contact OBS because they could be liable for any fall out that may occur.

Exposure kills the affair fog.

Not only does exposure kill the affair, it's a consequences both WW and OM have to face.

With out consequences bad behavior continues.

So don't tell your old lady about contacting the OPS and when she does find out...lets see what your old lady is made of. Maybe all the talk this last few days was all lies....or maybe she owns her shyt and excepts the consequences for her unhealthy choices. lets face it, talk is cheap, especially from a proven liar/cheater.

If your old lady does in fact except this consequences and all her words this past week will actually be true and you won't have to go through this hell again.

So good luck and expose this to OPS and lets find out what your FWW is REALLY made off when she finds out you contacted OPS!

I mean lets find out now.... right...or do you want to go through this again? Believe me, fake R is so common when the A is with a coworker.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:04 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]