SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been a lurker here for close to 6.5 years, reading and trying to learn how to navigate through the minefield that is post A life.

My story:

WW was caught when BH saw a text from one of my AP. One of several all at once....and almost all coworkers of BH. There were 6 PA, 4 of which were full on sex, the other 2 were various forms of sexual contact short of actual intercourse. Sprinkled in there were sexting or flirting with more men.

The night of DDay 1, the look of pure agony on BH face is burned into my mind and still brings me to tears. THAT was the moment i saw how much I fucked up and that I wanted to fix my marriage....i wanted to NEVER have him look at me that way again.

But....I then proceeded to TT for the next 8 months, resulting in 3 full DDays. In my mind I was trying to somehow keep from seeing the true depth of horribleness (yes, i know that was worse).

After the final DDay i doubled down on my commitment to our marriage. i devoured every resource, learned how to apologize, acknowledged how terrible my choices were, did not allow him to take blame for my actions, other than a couple times very early on, I never tried to say I made a mistake.

As I said, almost all the APs are coworkers to my BH, so he is faced daily with some sort of trigger of persons, aside from every other trigger he is subjected to, he can't escape dealing with them. His work is, unfortunately an incredibly gossipy field, with zero secrets, so he cant ever really get away. When A was first discovered, BH did what, I think many Betrayeds do...he disconnected his heart, completely shut down any intimacy. For many reasons he agreed to stay and I agreed to whatever he asked of me, including giving up activities and friendships. He had/has access to my phone at any time, my Facebook is closed, changed my phone number and email. I did the best i humanly could to answer his questions then and still now.

Over the last several years our lives became more settled, I continued to check in, check out, recognize triggers (names, sequences of numbers, anything) and avoid or acknowledge if they cant be avoided. I have apologized probably in the millions of times. We would still talk about pre vs post A and he alway would say, "it'll never be what it was". I would tell him that i dont want what it was, i want it better than it was. There continues to be a lack of true intimacy, he can't bring himself to kiss me... it's been nearly 3 years since he last attempted to kiss me, and it was a year before that one (2 attempts in 4 years). i accepted that this was a consequence of my actions. When we would discuss, he just says, I've tried and i can't. i go to a bad place where i want to hurt people. So i let it go, I figure if i keep trying, keep proving I'm a safe partner, maybe it'll happen. I thought we were well on our way to R...

i give this story to help understand where we are today and how we got here. A little over 2 months ago his first love, whom he has always maintained a friendship with, though very distant, reached out to invite him over for dinner because she was moving away and wasn't sure if she'd ever be back. He went and then proceeded to see her again 4 times in 5 days. After seeing how different he was after the first night I began to worry, the worry became terror by the 5th day, Easter Sunday. The Monday after Easter i found their Facebook conversation which was essentially, my BH telling her he has loved her for the last 30 years, he needs her to know, he can't believe how good he feels because of her, etc. I confront him, he doesn't try to downplay it, apologizes for the hurt to me, but tells me he will not stop seeing her, he doesn't regret telling her, and he doesn't know if he would stay with me if being with her was an option. BH told her that I saw the conversation and had asked questions - yes they kissed, yes they touched, no sex - her contacting him slowed down, but didn't stop.

in the early days of my DDAY with him, he agreed to finally see MC if we made it past this thing with her, this is now something he won't consider. He feels that reopening feeling about my A's will take him tp a very dark place and he doesn't want to be there again. He doesn't believe that taking about the past will ever make him feel intimate toward me. Once she is gone he can lock down his heart again and we can continue our pretty decent, if not whole, life together.

Over the last 2 weeks or so the relationship, because what else does one call this, picks up speed, she is getting ready tp move and then the person who was supposed to be pulling the trailer backs out at the last minute. My husband immediately step up and offers, this then becomes a week trip with her and her grown children. BH did get a hotel for 2 nights, but stayed with her the other 2 nights. I know they had sex, kissed, held hands, were basically a couple in every way that i want and (other than the sex) haven't really had. He has been honest about any question I ask, including that he will continue to see her whenever he can, for as long as he can. If, once her divorce is finalized and she is in a place that she feels ready for a relationship, she wants him....he doesn't know what he'll do. He feels he will regret NOT trying more than he'd regret trying and it failing, but until such a time he's not going to change our lives, we've worked hard, we get along, we're comfortable. If him seeing and talking to her isn't something I can deal with, I can make the decision to end our marriage. He says he does love me and that I am his best friend, and there is not a single person in the world besides her that could ever make him open his heart. She has been the bar that every single woman has been held to for the last 30 years and pre-A I was the only one that came close.

I'm so lost, scared, confused. I know from being a WW the allure and excitement of the fantasy of a relationship, it's not the same as the "sitting in the bathroom discussing concrete quotes while one of you is pooping" type of relationship that marriage is. We've been together for almost 16 years, married almost 11, my PA's were scattered throughout a 2 year period and other inappropriate contacts a little before, but escalated during the same 2 year period. Our children are grown and out of the house.

I'm just so lost. I want to believe we can get through this in time...if she doesn't tell him she's ready to try again. If she tells him that she wants to try and he chooses her, ok....if he chooses me, that would be a dream. But if she makes no effort to move forward how long do i live in limbo? if she makes no effort and eventually stops contact, did BH just stay because she wasn't available, am i second choice...a shitty consolation prize??

If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him. I want to allow this to play out, but my own feelings of inadequacy are so powerful. I genuinely have no issues with him fucking another woman, anymore than he had issues with me fucking other men. The problem with my A's were the lies, deception, betrayal...not sex. My problem with his thing with her is not about the sex, it's the intimacy, the wooing, the little things....oh, and that he very well may leave me for her.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting, but I just needed to get this out of me.

Thanks and sorry for such a long post.

Well, shit. I didn't mean for there to be a stop sign....how do i get that removed???

Hey IBrokeUs, official welcome to posting with us :) sorry that it's under these circumstances.

I let a mod know about the stop sign removal request, they will take care of it for you.

I know you don't know what you are looking for, and I think sometimes just getting it out with people who understand is so therapeutic. Also a good IC would be helpful and is sometimes needed. Are you in IC?

I think if you are going to accept the way things are you'll need some extra tools to cope, my H and I went through something somewhat similar to this and I couldn't cope. Not even with the help I had been receiving from IC. I ended up removing myself from the situation. Since that isn't in your plans I think strong coping skills and doing the 180 would be beneficial. Otherwise, you'll end up doing doing the pick me dance and it just doesn't work plus it will take you down emotionally and physically. And if he does leave you, it will still hurt but you might be in a slightly better place should that be the outcome.

Sounds as if his AP is rebounding on him. My guess is she will use him for that until she goes through the motions of rebounding and it will fizzle out, and she will move on to something better suited. Then again, who knows.

I think you should also use IC or any other resource to understand why you are willing to accept this arrangement. Your first thought may be, I hurt him and did the same thing to him, that would be your guilt talking. You'll have to go beyond that. And I get the hypocrisy feelings. I know them well. I know you don't want to lose him, I didn't want to lose my H either.

Thing is, you've already lost him. And should he return you'll always know it wasn't because he wanted to be with you. If you hadn't already settled to accept this, I would have advised you to make this choice for him, and tell him to go be with her. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the M to save it.

I'm just so lost. I want to believe we can get through this in time...if she doesn't tell him she's ready to try again. If she tells him that she wants to try and he chooses her, ok....if he chooses me, that would be a dream. But if she makes no effort to move forward how long do i live in limbo? if she makes no effort and eventually stops contact, did BH just stay because she wasn't available, am i second choice...a shitty consolation prize??

If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him.

I think sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Couple of quick thoughts:

-You are accepting this behavior because you did it and understand it. But, two wrongs don't make a right.

-Cheating is not about the spouse, it's about the person doing it. Regardless of your past behavior, he could have chosen a lot of other things in order to cope with it. I am not saying you didn't break the marriage, but he decided to work it through with you rather than divorce. He has full accountability for his actions.

-An affair, as you know is an escape and a fantasy. He blames you and your marriage for being unhappy, and he's used the justifications of your affair to make him entitled to his.

So, in all of this, I think you absolutely have to put your foot down and say the two of you already got out of infidelity, and you aren't going to go back. This is not you saying that you are going to divorce him for doing the same thing you did. This you saying while he is actively having an affair, you can't stand by and just watch it happen. Put your foot down and do it immediately. As long as you allow it to continue it will. This woman is not his long lost love, she is someone willing to disregard his marriage and life to get what she wants. That's not love.

Also, one of the things I have had to shore up after my own affair is my self worth and my own personal boundaries of being empowered to do what makes me happy and to say no more to others and to having to be a certain way to be loved. It sounds like you have more work to do in this arena.

If you allow him to continue you will lose him. If you don't you could still lose him, but you will have your self respect in tact. Work on you, 180 on him, and I would certainly get my ducks in a row for a divorce. Even if one never happens, you need to have your plans in place.

Your husband is accountable for his actions, you are accountable for yours. Your husband is accountable for his own happiness and you are accountable for yours.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:55 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

(((IBrokeUs)))

BW here...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain is excruciating. Remember, you're experiencing trauma and must take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, sip nutrition shakes if you can't eat. See your doctor if you can't sleep or start suffering from depression. You've been reading here a long time... you know the drill.

Your WH is in the affair fog. He's getting high from his inappropriate behavior. He does not love her. He loves the dopamine hits to the brain. It's time for a cold dose of reality... 180 HARD.

File for divorce and have him served. Do Not play the pick me dance. And don't let the past and your guilt/shame make you put up with this.

Since you WH was once a BH, he should know better than anyone why what he's doing is wrong. If he really wants out of the M, he should have filed for a D, not screwed his first lurve.

He says you're his best friend, but best friends don't betray and lie. He's a cake eater, keeping you as his plan b. You know this already.

You've worked so hard for so long to become a safe partner. Dig deep and find your strength, your core of steel, and demand that any man cohabiting with you treat you with dignity and respect. Especially your lawful husband.

I know you're scared and hurting terribly. Consult with an attorney, collect evidence, gather important documents, expose his A. Take control of your circumstances. Empower yourself. You can do this!

I wish you well on your healing journey out of infidelity.

To me - by the sound of your post, it appears that your BH realizes that your M will never have the intimacy (mental and physical) that he wants.

Sometimes, things that are broken can't be fixed.

Maybe for the sake of both your and your BH healing, you both should let go of each other and move on.

IBrokeUs,

It is sad that all three of you are going through this. I think nightmare01 is half right here.

I understand your pain as you describe. I can relate and emphasize with both of you.

Many of the things that the others are saying makes sense on a certain level of conventional wisdom that is common on this site. Usually it makes sense. In this particular case, based on what you said, and what you related that your husband said, I'm not so sure.

Relatively speaking, as long and stretched out as you described this time line, it is still all very recent and back to back events in the scheme of a life time.

Feelings are fickle things.

It is surprising to see what sometimes Resurrects out of the graveyard of feelings in the course of a lifetime. Years of anger, resentment, and bitterness, can sometimes thaw and melt away very quickly, like a spring thaw after a very long cold winter.

Initially I started out with a sense that it might be merciful for both of you, for you to politely bow out. However, by the end of your post, not so sure.

We all (humans, in general!) deserve to be someone else's first choice.

I'm a BS, just so it's clear. And I don't even know you, except for your story that you shared with us. And I think you deserve to be someone else's first choice.

Don't you?

If you're afraid of being alone, I'd have to gently point out that you already are.

He has said that you're his best friend? Sister, best friends don't treat you like this.

You indeed are worthy of being much more than someone's consolation prize. You worked hard to get your marriage out of infidelity, but sometimes it's just a dealbreaker. Now he's put the marriage BACK into infidelity. And somebody up the thread put it perfectly: two wrongs do NOT make a right.

Don't settle for crumbs.

This is a tough situation you are going through and I honestly feel bad for you. But the bottom line is that you treated your husband abominably and sentenced him to a work environment where he is the house cuckold. I could not imagine what that would be like for a man to deal with day in and day out.

Why, if I may ask, did he stay at that job? Did you ever try to help or encourage him to find new employment? And if I may ask, were your family and children aware of what you did to him all those years ago?

Now, after years of rug-sweeping and holding on to his resentments towards you, your husband is lashing out. Couple that with what is probably a healthy midlife crisis and you have a monster on your hands. Make no mistake: there is a part of him that is reveling in what he is doing to you. Heading off on a road trip with the OW is just pure abusive meanness. He did it to score with her and hurt you, make no mistake. Love has nothing to do with any of this.

I don't see where your husband desires any true reconciliation...if he ever did. And I would take his assertions that he loves you with a grain of salt. I think he stopped loving you long ago after he found out what you did to him. I know I would have if my wife had done that. MY fWW only banged one guy and it has been an enormous journey to get back to where I have even a semblance of husbandly love for her.

I'm sort of with the others on this. I think you need to stick a fork in the marriage and end it. Own up to your role in the failure of the marriage, give him an equitable split, learn from your bad decisions and try not to make them again with you next partner.

This is a good call out:

But the bottom line is that you treated your husband abominably and sentenced him to a work environment where he is the house cuckold. I could not imagine what that would be like for a man to deal with day in and day out.

OP, have you discussed this with your BH? I can’t fathom it either, and I’m sure it built incredible resentment in your BH. Especially, if you two largely rug swept the As. Consequently, I agree his recent behavior is designed to hurt you while he has some fun. That’s pretty shitty too.

The amount of time that has passed since your As and his subsequent actions suggest to me that your M exists in name only. Perhaps it is past time to recognize that and part ways amicably and equitably.

IBU,

Brave of you to remove the Stop Sign, but it indicates that you are willing to hear from 'both sides', which is a good thing.

One of several all at once....and almost all coworkers of BH.

he can't escape dealing with them.

As mentioned by others, this is a special kind of hell you consigned your BH to. If your APs were randoms for another town/city/industry/company, it would have been more bearable (in relative terms, as infidelity is never bearable).

If he continued to work in the company, or the same field, which is 'gossipy', his self-respect an self-worth would have been eroded over time, to almost nothing.

Have you seen an IC about why you chose to have PAs with your BHs co-workers? Was it a subconscious need to punish your BH for something he did?

Sprinkled in there were sexting or flirting with more men.

Were these also co-workers of your BH?

I have apologized probably in the millions of times.

I would tell him that i dont want what it was, i want it better than it was.

Words are worthless to a BS. What actions are you doing to prove that you are safe (apart from reading books, and recognising possible triggers)? Any male friends? Any Girls Night Out? Any unexplained missing times/locations in your day?

There continues to be a lack of true intimacy, he can't bring himself to kiss me... it's been nearly 3 years since he last attempted to kiss me, and it was a year before that one (2 attempts in 4 years)

Yeah, if he is still working in the same company/industry, he would feel 'less of a man'.

Is your BH seeing an IC?

After seeing how different he was after the first night I began to worry, the worry became terror by the 5th day, Easter Sunday.

he can't believe how good he feels because of her,

Not right, but unfortunate, he is finding his 'worth' in another. Same as you did with your multiple affairs. You should know the feeling, the chase, the affirmation, ignoring the consequences.

He has been honest about any question I ask, including that he will continue to see her whenever he can, for as long as he can.

Typical cake-eater. He should stop before he loses whatever dignity or self-respect he has left.

He says he does love me and that I am his best friend

A few others have recognised this as utter rubbish, as nobody does this to their 'best friend'.

did BH just stay because she wasn't available, am i second choice...a shitty consolation prize??

You are beginning to feel some of what he felt when you had your As. This would have crossed his mind also.

If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him.

As hikingout posted, you have to be willing to lose the marriage.... if you want a chance to save it.

I want to allow this to play out, but my own feelings of inadequacy are so powerful.

Please go see an IC about this. Your M is already in disarray, and it will not help to have two people drowning in their own mental hells, as both will not be able to do anything to help save the M.

I genuinely have no issues with him fucking another woman, anymore than he had issues with me fucking other men.

Don't. As I mentioned above, it does nothing good for anybody if both parties in a relationship are unhealthy. There will be zero chance of reconciliation.

What your BH is doing is not right, for BOTH of you. I suspect it is some form of revenge that he is doing this, flaunting his A in front of you, just to hurt you like you hurt him. Tit for tat is never good, and the M should be terminated before it becomes too destructive.

The problem with my A's were the lies, deception, betrayal...not sex.

Is this your opinion or your BH's? If it is your BH's I would be a bit sceptical of it. Men usually are affected by the physical aspects of a betrayal also. It is a primal thing. Not all men, but most men.

In your post, there is no mention of any type of counseling that either of you have gone through (apart from the MC, which should be done after IC). If both/either of you have not started any form of IC, please start. As I mentioend before, it does nobody any good for two broken people to be in a relationship. Both will not be able to try and fix anything.

At the end of it all, what do YOU want? Do you want to stay in limbo, or get out of it? If you want to stay in limbo, carry on with what you are doing now.

If you want to get out of this limbo, then take steps that some of the other posters have suggested.

If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him. I want to allow this to play out, but my own feelings of inadequacy are so powerful. I genuinely have no issues with him fucking another woman, anymore than he had issues with me fucking other men.

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Are you saying he's okay if you have sex with other men? Do you have an open marriage? If so, have you had sex with other men since your DDay?

The nature of your affairs is unique and, for most men, would be humiliating and emasculating to an extremely high degree, probably to the point of no return. I honestly have no idea how or why the two of you are still together. Your apologies to him are meaningless. What actions have you taken to help repair his male sexual ego? What can you do each evening when he returns home from work after being taunted by his co-workers: "Dude, I had sex with your wife. She's a good lay. Ha ha ha."

What sort of advice are you seeking relative to your husband's relationship. I would not call it an "affair" because he's carrying it out openly with your knowledge.

As pointed out earlier:

What can you do each evening when he returns home from work after being taunted by his co-workers: "Dude, I had sex with your wife. She's a good lay. Ha ha ha."

He may have heard this from up to four guys a day for years. Another two might have added something along the lines of, “Yeah, she gives a good hand/blow job too!” Don’t believe me? There is an older story here about the taunting a BH received at work from his WW’s AP. Perhaps it is available in the archives. The BH’s name is SWAT70. It will open your eyes to the special hell you helped create for him.

If you cringe at the statements above (and you should), you should also know that they are likely milder than what he heard.

I say this not to cause pain, but to help you understand you utterly destroyed him and the fact that he could still “play house” with you for years afterward... well, I suspect he stayed because he feared he could do no better. Now, he’s seeing that he just might have a shot at a better life.

As others have recommended, you both need IC.

If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him. I want to allow this to play out, but my own feelings of inadequacy are so powerful. I genuinely have no issues with him fucking another woman, anymore than he had issues with me fucking other men.

I too do not understand this statement. Can you clarify what you mean?

I know from being a WW the allure and excitement of the fantasy of a relationship

It doesn't make it right but it's possible he's attempting to restore a fraction of the dignity he once had. Having to face coworkers daily who had his wife without losing his sanity and still able to live to tell about it and continue working is as emasculating and humiliating as anything I've read here on SI. It's an unbelievable feat and I mean that sincerely.

Facing one AP just once, twice is enough for a BS to lose control of there emotions to the point of not being able to breathe. Read up SI stories where BS convey there emotions while being in the presence of the AP.

Having to work with multiple men daily is enough to cause him to be admitted to a mental health institution. I'm saying this to say, it's possible he's attempting to deflect the pain, embarrassment and humiliation that he has to deal with daily. Some people drink to escape, and others to drugs. He's doing females.

It's also possible he's incapable of ending the marriage courageously. He may feel the damage is too great to even try rebuilding. If this is the case, he's not necessarily doing it for thrills and excitement, but to exit the marriage or get what he knows is impossible with you from a emotional and physical intimacy perspective.

Short of being impregnated by another man, having to work with multiple men who have had you, runs a pretty close second. Nonetheless, you will have to insist he discontinues with his AP and live with his decision, for you or against you.

Guys,

I don't mean to excuse anything - having an affair with someone's friends, peers, coworkers, yes that is all horrible and have terrible additional ramifications in the midst of something traumatic enough without that being added. Way more for the BS to have to give up, wade through, process, etc.

There are a lot of unfair things a BS who wants to reconcile or (even to just heal for himself)has to do - and one of those things might have had to be work somewhere else for his own sanity. I feel his decision to continue to work there is his decision and you are blaming her for that too. Yes, it's fucked up that he would have to find a different job, but honestly it's hard to believe that someone would continue willingly to work in an environment 6.5 years later with the other AP's. There should have been a decision on his part to make a change to that. Surely in 6+ years he could have found a solution for that. I am not saying it's fair, but it's reality.

The point is, they decided, together to stay together. I think it sounds like a situation where they never reconciled, they never maybe even recovered (based on the lack of intimacy in their relationship).

So, fast forward to today - he is cheating on her. Period. Unacceptable. There were a lot of other acceptable things that he could have done instead - divorce her for one. Do what he needed to do for another (whether that's move, change jobs, make a decision about their marriage, etc) He didn't. He is wayward, and she is betrayed now.

Two wrongs don't make a right. You may identify why he may not want to be married to her now, I think even the OP can understand that. You may identify all that she did wrong but in all reality she is a betrayed spouse right now. And, we don't blame the betrayed because there is always ANOTHER BETTER option other than cheating.

With all that said, and before I get on people's lists, absolutely, what she did was damaging. Absolutely I can understand that maybe she caused him so much pain he was dead inside. That's what is making this affair so powerfully addictive to him because he is escaping that pit of pain by using this other woman as an escape. It is wrong. Period. And, he's saying he loves her and she is his best friend? That's about as wayward as one could get at this point.

Ibrokeus - I think you are absolutely up against a potentially losing situation. I stand by my original advice. Make a hard line that you are not going to share him with someone else. File. Do whatever you need to do to make the message clear. Time's up.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:57 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Hikingout, I called his behavior “shitty” and suggested they D. So, I’m not sure why you think what I’ve written could be construed as supporting her BH.

I have explained why he stayed (completely destroyed, no confidence rather than still loving OP like a spouse) and why he may be acting like he is now (he’s trying to put the shoe on the other foot and cake eating) to provide insight and perhaps clarify how OP should proceed. These are not excuses for what he has done.

Hikingout, that's a lot of words to tell "you don't get what I got".

At the end of the day the persons who you're as unfair to as is humanly possible, will often tell you that it's finished, and that your platitudes don't make you right. They're doing what they can to cope, and it's not the absolute most unfair thing that you insist it has to be.

He's probably destroying what was left of their martiagr, and it probably isn't a problem to him.

You have no right to call it wrong. He did what he could, he does what he can, and he has a right to promise things and remember back later what he had firgotten when he promised the impossible to his betrayer.

They really shouldn't stay together, but you're just demanding to only ever have the consequences that are convenient to you. It doesn't work that way.

Hikingout, you make some good points. Some couples stay together through unimaginable drama. I'm reminded of the real life couple dramatized in that movie where the wife, brought to the brink by her WH's serial philandering, poisons and shoots him in an effort to kill him, but he miraculously survives and they forgive each other and R.

As an abstract matter, if one spouse openly says he plans to treat the marriage as open, and acts on it by entering into a relationship with a third person, is it an affair? It sort of goes to the heart of the discussion by removing the sneaking and lying elements.

That aside, it's clear what he is doing is extremely painful to the OP. However, we know that the BH has hung on for years in the wake of almost unimaginable humiliation and emasculation, and now we see the OP attempting to do the same. Who is to say what is right.

My two cents is that, outside of infidelity, my observation has been that reconnecting with the old love from ones youth rarely works. People grow and change. The different older versions dont share the bond the younger selves shared

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:32 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

I admire you Hiking Out. You're exceptionally perceptive, intelligent, well written and spoken. You're also protective and have a sense of coming to the rescue when a member is taking it on the chin. You've done this before and I admire it. I'm the same way, so I recognize it when I see it and it's one of the many attributes that makes you an invaluable SI member.

I'm not defending my position, simply reinforcing it. While her BS has indicated he wants to reconcile, his actions speak otherwise. We (all of us) do not know why he's decided to become a madhatter, but we can speculate and based on the IBrokeUs original post, it's reasonable to assume or believe her husband has been to hell and back, and to this day is traveling that same route.

Whether it's emotional instability from daily humiliation, coming to terms with not being able to cope with thoughts and depth of his betrayal or just tired of trying and deciding to start anew with someone else, who knows.

What's for sure though is his actions aren't measuring up to his words and we're here to try and help the OP decide what MIGHT be happening whether good or bad for IBrokeUs. Either way, what he's doing is not condoned in anyway shape or form, but considering the aftermath, anything is possible.

If after a few years, he's unable to kiss his wife........this is not sustainable by any stretch. He loves his wife but his disgusts remains. By the same token he too misses intimacy just like she does and is confused himself.

We're here to speculate what factors may be influencing his actions so that the OP can deal with it the best she can and hopefully have more insight than she did before posting.

Admittedly, restating the atrocities of her betrayal makes me cringe, but the intention is not to deter her efforts to reconcile, only to see the reality of it so that she's clear as to how she needs to look at a future with him, not dismiss the reality and fantasize for something that may not be there.

She says he's chasing a fantasy, and he very well may be, however it's also possible he's chasing a real relationship because he's not really in one right now, despite being under one roof and wanting to be together as there spoken words say.

Takes both to be committed and right now, he's not and very well may never be. This is a real possibility.