SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel I need to hear from those who have been here and done this. It's been 8 months since I discovered my wife's affair. We are separated and most likely will divorce. Anyway, I have no desire to pursue sex with another woman while still married to my WW. In the last month, we have started having sex regularly after 7 months I was going crazy to orgasm and I didn't want to open the door to masturbate, mainly because it was very unhealthy for me when I was young. Anyway, it was very emotional for my wife at first and still may be. I, on the other hand, am enjoying the release and can't get enough. I don't feel any more hope for reconciliation at this time, I just want a sexual relationship. I am willing to listen to her selfish messed up thoughts and know she would probably rather be with her married man, I just don't let my mind go get caught up in it. I really don't know, I love pleasuring my WW and my sex drive is like when I was 18 is this unhealthy? I understand this is temporary, I just feel most comfortable when having sex with her.

wanting lots of sex with a ws after d day is a

normal response. It is known as hysterical bonding.

It helps people to get pass the pain and heal.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:32 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

wanting lots of sex with a ws after d day is a

normal response. It is known as hysterical bonding.

It’s called hysterical bonding. It’s very normal and can be a lot of fun. Go for it.

I only question it because I understand we will be divorced before long. The few people I have talked to about it seem to think us having sex while going through a divorce is very unusual.

I would love to be intimate with my husband. I think lots of betrayed spouses would love to be intimate with their spouses. Most of us would love to be married to our spouses who we wish had remained faithful.

The problem for me tho post false R is that I lived to regret HB in the context of TT because my husband lied about the sexual risk he put me through with unprotected sexual acts with at least 2 women during our marriage.

In retrospect, I wish I had taken up weight lifting to exhaustion rather than having sex with a liar. Been there. Done that. Got the STD tests to prove it.

In retrospect, I wish I had taken up weight lifting to exhaustion rather than having sex with a liar. Been there. Done that. Got the STD tests to prove it.

I'll give that a big AMEN!

The lingering STDs (& cervical cancer testing) aren't quite as fun as the short lived hysterical bonding sex we had (before everything went completely to shit.)

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 12:30 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

If you are going to divorce you need to detach. All you'll do is keep wrapped up in this longer.

I understand most marriages don't end like this. I also understand this could be unhealthy for my wife who feels very guilty about what she has done. I know she would not be having sex with me if I didn't request it. We are in the process of going through 34 years of things as we get the house ready to sell, and she comes over a few times a week to help out and see the kid's who are living with me. At this point if our marriage is going to end I don't want to go through it hating each other. She has told me she is not having sex with her AP. I cannot see her without being sexually aroused, so I know I will continue to initiate it until I know longer have to see her. I would prefer to be going through the process of rebuilding our marriage, but she is very messed up and doesn't believe it's possible. I know I have my own issues but I on the other hand believe with God anything is possible...

As long as you're not being disingenuous about your intentions, I see no real problem with this from a humanitarian perspective. However, with sex and intimacy this can be a pretty slippery slope. People have feelings, you know?

I tend to agree with Marz. If you're divorcing, you need to detach and start thinking beyond WW. But if you're both wanting R and working on it (sounds like she's not, really?), then yeah, hysterical bonding seems to be pretty normal.

I also understand this could be unhealthy for my wife who feels very guilty about what she has done

Is your wife aware that there is no chance for R? I understand that she is the cheater, but you need to look at your motives . Are you taking advantage of her guilt and manipulating her? Does she think that the sex means that there is a chance at R? Sex can mean different things to different people. You do not want to use her as she used you or manipulate her as she manipulated you. Don't sink to her level.

Detach and move on if you are going to move on.

I am the WW. At one point, we were going to divorce and we did continue intimacy. We ended up not divorcing. I don't see the two things as interrelated, but I can't swear they weren't.

You said you are not reconciling because she is "too messed up". What does that mean? The reason I ask is I think that would be something my husband was saying about me at the time. And, incidentally, this was at about 9 months out for us. He just didn't think he could get over it, and my head was not screwed on tight at that time. We separated all our stuff to do in home separation until we could get the house sold and such.

I think that continuing an intimate relationship could potentially lead to you not divorcing. But, even if your mind is completely made up, you are both adults and can make whatever decision that you want. I agree with the others - make sure you are not misleading her and you both have clear communication about what is happening, why, and what the intention is. But, also, you need to be honest with yourself - a divorce being filed and executed isn't necessarily going to make you want to stop having sex with her. Hysterical bonding is a hard thing to understand, but many here have said (myself included) that it does "bond" you and can be a big part of healing a relationship.

Is your wife aware that there is no chance of R? I understand that she is the cheater, but you need to look at your motives . Are you taking advantage of her guilt and manipulating her? Does she think that the sex means that there is a chance at R?

I believe my wife is only following her misguided feelings. She believes her life will be better without me. I always reacted to her disrespectful comments defensively and I never understood it was a symptom of needs I was not meeting.

My motives I have made clear to her, they are only sexual. I told her if she ever feels like she wants to return, then we need to stop having sex until we work on our relationship and we are not building our marriage on sex. I still question her about this once in awhile before we have sex.

I believe she was apprehensive at first because having sex with me may weaken her resolve to divorce.

I know before we started having sex she would cry whenever we talked most of the time. Now she is crying rarely at least around me. I am very transparent and she knows I believe she is making a huge mistake. I also know the work involved with reconciling would be very difficult. I have always been a hard worker and that doesn't discourage me, but I also know my wife is lazy and weak, so without the Lords help it is impossible.

You said you are not reconciling because she is "too messed up". What does that mean?

At this time she is smoking pot taking antidepressants and anxiety meds. She sees her problems are due to other people, and minimizes her own failures. I understand I have had my own issues over the year's, but now recognize them and am confident I am on the road to overcome them. I do believe my wife can also come to the understanding she needs help, but she is not there now. I think if we do get back together it very well may be after the divorce.

[This message edited by IMNMO at 9:27 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

I see. Yes, I agree - she is still self-medicating,, just in a different way. She's not willing to be proactive or self-reflective, she leaves you with no choice.

She has told me she is not having sex with her AP.

I hate to tell you but cheaters lie a lot.

She has told me she is not having sex with her AP.

I hate to tell you but cheaters lie a lot.

Yes I know she certainly may be, but because she is not very good at lying I doubt it. If she is I have no desire to find out. I do believe at this time she is most likely still lusting for him. I am confident she doesn't want the divorce because of our past sexual relationship. It was the one thing we always enjoyed together. At our worst I don't think we ever would go more than a week without sex together. Her emotional needs I neglected badly. I know that doesn't justify what she did, but I was a hard person to love at times.

Her emotional needs I neglected badly. I know that doesn't justify what she did, but I was a hard person to love at times.

I just want to say something as I connect with what you are relaying here and I have some thoughts of the contrary.

H and I always had a good physical relationship - and as you are saying even in the worst of times I doubt we went a week. It was definitely a strong aspect of our relationship (and still is).

I think my H and I agree that we did not work on our emotional connection. And, maybe early out after the affair we probably would have characterized it much the way you are - that he neglected my emotional needs.

However, let me just say, that I was as guilty as he was in contributing to that as a problem. She can speak up. She can work at your relationship too. She was a grown woman who didn't have her own boundaries that she enforced with you. She is every bit as culpable in that pre-A problem.

The A itself - she is solely responsible for. There are always other options other than cheating. That decision had nothing to do with you or the Pre-A marriage. That had to do with her own broken way she chose to cope with it.

I hope it's okay that I keep responding to you, but many things that you say mirrors my own experience with our marriage, and the things I have learned since the A. Don't blame yourself for the A for one moment. And, I will also say you were not a mind reader, so unless she really worked towards trying to bridge that emotional gap, then how could you know what you didn't know?

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:17 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

However, let me just say, that I was as guilty as he was in contributing to that as a problem. She can speak up. She can work at your relationship too. She was a grown woman who didn't have her own boundaries that she enforced with you. She is every bit as culpable in that pre-A problem.

The A itself - she is solely responsible for. There are always other options other than cheating. That decision had nothing to do with you or the Pre-A marriage. That had to do with her own broken way she chose to cope with it.

Yes, I feel we were equal in not communicating correctly. She never tried to justify her affair because of what I was or wasn't, thank God.

I hope it's okay that I keep responding to you, but many things that you say mirrors my own experience with our marriage, and the things I have learned since the A. Don't blame yourself for the A for one moment. And, I will also say you were not a mind reader, so unless she really worked towards trying to bridge that emotional gap, then how could you know what you didn't know?

I really appreciate your comments, you give me hope someday our marriage will be restored. I have never tried to carry the burden of her affair, but I do know I was very capable of being in one before coming to the Lord twenty four years ago. I believe that is why I am so willing to forgive her. Right now she is still only asking I forgive her for hurting me, not for having an affair. I have made it clear I have no need of her pitty. If and when she asks for me to forgive the affair I will see the possibility of true reconciliation.