SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anoldlion, while I agree, a husband should never stop courting his wife(and a wife should never stop wooing her husband), it is also not the husband's job to babysit his wife.

A grown woman should not be out drinking herself into oblivion, on a regular basis, when she has a family at home.

Maybe you missed the part about them having a young child. So maybe he was being a responsible adult,and home with their baby. Maybe he was asleep at 3 am because he has a job he needs to go to every day.

Maybe his wife needs to grow up.

OP, you are not to blame for her decisions. Not in any way.

How are you today,OP?

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:22 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Strength, everyone here makes an effort to help you, in your case, however, things need to be sorted out as multiple things are likely going on.

While you are not a prison guard and can not control the actions of your wife, I do agree with those who suggested that you need to adopt a more active and/or protective role. This would start with finding out what actually is going on here, and pinpointing the problems.

Would it help to talk to her family and friends to find out more? Would it help to seek the help of a social worker to pinpoint the underlying issues, for instance because you are afraid that all of this undermines the safe family environment and a child is involved? Can you get access to her telephone and laptop and read communications? Can you get her into individual counseling?

Furthermore, what struck me is that you said that you are her only support system. Should this not change?, can you persuade her to get a job and let her stand on her own feet? This would help, not only would it contribute to her self-esteem etc., but also would it make it easier for you to leave should you decide to leave.

Of course you can go all nuclear because of Todd, but this is only a portion of the overall problems, and you first may want to have a good overview of the seperate but interconnected things you are dealing with.

Strength!

Sorry to hear about your pain Rabbit.

So if I understand what you're saying, your wife cheated on you before you were married and possibly up until before she had a kid. According to you she's gotten her act together since she's had the kid but you're just now believing her past activities and it's eating you alive.

First I'd recommend that you and she get STD tested if you haven't already. Second, you need to be absolutely positive that she's changed her ways. Sometimes having a child gives a person a new life-long perspective; sometimes it's only temporary.

It sounds to me like all of the signs were there all along and you pushed them away because you didn't want to believe who she really is. It also sounds like you're extremely co-dependent and you're scared as hell to take full control of your family. It sounds too like you think that the only answer that will bring you peace is to divorce.

Divorce isn't the only answer. I feel like you knew but didn't want to admit she was cheating on you so you pushed forward with the marriage hoping she'd change. At that point I'm fuzzy on whether she continued her cheating behavior but regardless you pushed forward with bringing a child into this mess. Now you're having second thoughts because for some reason you're now admitting to yourself that she's a serial cheater.

This isn't going to get me any accolades but I think it's a little late now for you to suddenly decide you can't live with her former behavior. As I noted, I think you knew or highly suspected what she was doing and you pushed on anyway. There are consequences to her actions but there are also consequences to you when you knowingly continue while burying the truth in your head. I feel like it's put-up or shut-up time for you and given what you've revealed, I'm leaning toward the latter.

I realize that you're in pain now and that you don't know if you can handle what your mind is now admitting to be real. But know that you will get through this. There are thousands who've been where you are and they all have either made it or are making it through it. There is hope in your future but it depends on you alone. You've got to deal with your co-dependency and stand on your own two feet. You've got to decide to find purpose and be happy regardless of what the future holds. There's no shame in staying married to your wife if she's changed and safe now. The most important thing you need to do right now though is to find yourself again. Decide who and what you're going to be, formulate a long-term plan for yourself, and start working toward making that plan a reality. Become someone you can be proud of and take care of yourself.

All we know is that Todd flirted with her (she shared that with her husband) and that the W went out drinking with co-workers (Todd included). The newest tad-bit indicates Todd was the primary reason or maybe the only co-worker she went out drinking with.

Yes – it is lying, and it is infidelity in the sense that “infidelity” means untrue. But based on what has been shared there is no need to assume automatically that there has been full sexual activity or an ongoing active affair.

If it wasn’t for what Rabbit shares about her drinking, then this would possibly be an EA or an unhealthy crush. It would be sensible for Rabbit to get the full truth on that. I’m not denying it could be a full-blown sexual affair but based on what is shared there is no need to jump directly to that conclusion. Since Rabbit emphasizes her drinking-behavior and mentioned other dangerous/risky drinking patterns I venture that the main reason for going out was not Todd but rather Jack. As in Jack Daniels. Going out gave her a valid excuse to drink.

t/j: Here we have a poster that has taken the brave step of finding this site, reading and then finally gathering the guts to post. And what does he get? Slammed with theories about STD’s, checking the paternity of his child, blamed for marrying this woman and accusations of being an inattentive and lacking husband…

If this was a medical advice site it’s the equivalent of suggesting amputation to solve all ailments – including the common cold.

I think we need to be more diligent in reading the written lines, rather than what is between the lines.

Yes – the Golden Rule is that if there is infidelity there is usually more than the original poster thinks. But I don’t think we – the SI community – are doing new posters any good when we scare them away with seeing the worst in each and every situation. IF there was an ongoing affair then we would probably have led Rabbit to that conclusion as he shared more info. As is I think the only thing we have managed is to drive Rabbit deeper back into the hole.

Rabbit – if you are still around then keep posting.

Have you considered having your WW take a polygraph, Rabbit? Did she have any physical contact with Todd? Did she have sex in any form with Todd?