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Neanderthal,

For what it's worth, I think you did exactly the right thing.

Two things:

Shes a school teacher and the OM is a parent of a student there. I told her to find another job. They would probably see each other weekly or more. That's not acceptable to me.

She told me since its so close to school starting and that the principle would struggle to find a replacement in time, she wasn't planning on leaving. I asked her if she at least tried, and she said no.

If the school board finds out about this, your wife will probably be fired so fast it would make her head spin. Very few schools would view what your wife did as professional or acceptable behaviour.

If you are going to be separated/divorced, you need her to have a job, because that will reduce any payments you may have to make to her.

However - and I know how cold this sounds - you should keep the fact that you can inform the school board at any time to use for leverage if she turns aggressive or tries to rip you off. You would be surprised how many waywards turn nasty when they find they cannot talk their way out of a divorce.

The OM is a piece of work. He has cheated multiple times before, including someone from craigslist

You need to tell your wife about this immediately, and both you and your wife need to have STD tests. She has to realise that she was not just having sex with him, she was effectively having sex with everyone he has had sex with. The man may be a walking bio-hazard.

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

If the school board finds out about this

She already had a meeting with the principle. Supposedly she told him what happened.

I dont know about the school board.

We both have been tested for STD's. So that's good.

Shes keeps blowing up my phone. "I did this, I'm so sorry, I'm losing my family" YES SHE DID

She already had a meeting with the principle. Supposedly she told him what happened.

Call me cynical, but while she may have had a discussion with the principle about problems in her marriage, or even said, "I had an affair", I very much doubt that she would still be employed there if she said the affair partner was the parent of a student.

I am relieved to hear about the STD tests. That is good news.

Shes keeps blowing up my phone. "I did this, I'm so sorry, I'm losing my family"

She seems very focused on herself in statements like that. "I'm losing my family" rather than "I've wrecked our family".

I think that is quite revealing about how her mind works, because there is very little in your thread about her trying to empathize with you and what you may be feeling. It sounds like she is sorry for herself.

She definitely needs to be in individual counseling, not MC. I would make that a mandatory pre-condition if reconciliation is going to be attempted, as well as a change of job.

there is very little in your thread about her trying to empathize with you

I'm not sure I would know what empathy looks or feels like? How did you guys all know?

How do you know?

Usually, Waywards funnel plenty of energy and creativeness toward deception while in the A. They should be spending at least as much effort into helping YOU heal. It should all be about helping the betrayed spouse (and kids/family) and not about themselves. They need to sacrifice their ego, image, whatever it is for the better good.

Like M1965 said, it shouldn't be about WW losing her family, it should be about how WW destroyed the family and how she can help fix it. WW has to sacrifice everything necessary to R.

Since she is reading be prepared to be told how we are all bitter,jaded, filled with hate,and projecting.

Truth is,many,many of us are happily reconciled, thanks to this site, and the advice,and support, given here.

She will tell you that we are a bunch of strangers. We don't know her. Truth is, cheaters,while each is an individual, behave so much alike,that we jokingly refer to "The Cheater's Handbook." When a cheater is caught they almost all follow the same playbook.

Rather than being scared, and angry, that you are getting the support, and advice here , she should, if she wants to attempt reconciliation, sign up and start posting in the wayward forum. Yes, it will be admitting to her behavior. Yes, she will feel embarrassed. However, it doesn't hold a candle to the abuse she has heaped on you and your daughter. If she wants any chance at all, she will need to humble herself,and find true remorse very quickly.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:25 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

They should be spending at least as much effort into helping YOU heal

I sent her packing. She asks the same question. How can she help while away? This is the confusing part of the 180.

I'm supposed to be stoic, create space, and do me.

How in all that can she help?

I don't know how to be confident, distant and allow her to help me. I could definitely use some pointers.

Also I want to say thank you to everyone's responses. It means a lot to me that someone else cares enough to help. Especially since i'm no saint(as described in my first post).

Since she is reading be prepared to be told how we are all bitter,jaded, filled with hate,and projecting.

I'm not going to lie. The first few hours I spent reading here I thought the same thing. But i started to see the tough love that's necessary and how consistent you guys are with your approach. I'm grateful i joined.

Neanderthal:

Sorry you are here. Please read about the simplified 180 in the healing library in the “Articles” section. You will begin to understand. Being physically separated from your WW is not a necessary requirement for the 180. You can certainly live together and implement the 180. But if you personally need the space of separation right now to maintain your emotional health then continue by all means. The whole point of the 180 is for you to gain space and change previous behavior patterns to help you through the chaos and pain of infidelity. Here is the bottom line for me: always value yourself. You are in control. If your WW is not actively in an A, and not blameshifting and trying to rugsweep you can certainly listen. The point is to never do the pick me dance and try to nice her back. It never works. Download and have her read “ How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Mc Donald. An excellent read. Your WW should be in IC to help her deal with her brokenness for cheating. You should be in counseling as well. MC is a waste of time at this juncture. You don’t have a marital problem. Your WW has a cheating problem. Good luck.

Tell her if she wants to save your relationship she must give you time away to process what has happened.

You both have hurt each other in different ways. So first and formist you both first need Individual therapy. Not marriage counseling. Tell her that.

She should find an individual counselor who specializes in Infidelity

And you need one that specializes in alcohol related issues and communication issues.

Then tell her if she really wants to repair the damage she needs to care more about you and your daughter than she cares about herself right now. Tell her you can’t listen to her about her pain right now. She needs to become the worlds best listener and feel your pain much more than her own.

At some point you can get to a stage where you can work on her pain, but that time is not now.

Next tell her she needs to figure out how to make you feel safe that you will never see the AP again, even at work. That may mean switching classrooms and getting on a list to move to a new school when first opening occurs.

Perhaps she can be assigned a “safe sponsor” at the school who will ensure she is never alone with the AP.

Next tell her she needs to write a letter to you telling you why she still wants you as her spouse after she chose someone else for months. It should include what it would mean to her for you to stay while she is working on repairing the relationship

Next she should provide a written plan on how to heal your marriage. What actions she will take to repair the damage. Tell her to research it. Discuss it and let her know what she is missing.

Finally that plan should include a written timeline of the affair. What she and he said to each other. Printouts of texts (recovered if deleted) what they physically did each encounter and where and for how long. This will remove all the specialness from it. You can print and hand her JOSEPH’s LETTER from the library here at SI if that will help her understand why it is needed.

This is just a start. If she is asking what she can do, tell her these things. And tell her none of it guarantees you can get pst what she is done, but you can assure her that if she doesn’t do ALL these things she has Absolutely no chance of saving your marriage.

Keep posting. Take care.

I'm going to throw out some thoughts and not taking sides. As for her changing jobs. She is a teacher, he's a parent. Unless he looks her up at school there is very little chance she will be seeing him. Plus unless he is really stupid he's going to stay as far away as possible. Even if she changed jobs he could still look her up there. I've said before that on SI if a working wife cheats one of the first things said is "make her quit her job." If a working husband cheats it is very rare for anyone to advise he quit his job. There are people going to say that's not true but check it out and you will find it is true.

Yes you do need some time alone to get your head straight. If you are sure of divorce then stay separated. If you are considering R then you can't solve your problems staying away from each other. Take some time and decide what you want. Then move forward with the actions to accomplish that. I have had to make life and death decisions in seconds. You don't have to do that but you do need to reach a point where a decision has to be made. Make the one that is best for you and your family regardless of what others may think. I do wish you well.

I wish I didn't love her this much (...)

Hey man, it is okay to love your wife, it is okay to love your ex-wife should you decide to divorce, the KEY is to love YOUrself the MOST.

In your opening-post, you mostly focused on her, 'she this, she that'. Now that 'she' did this to you, 'she' should no longer be your, or 'a', priority. The title of your topic is 'Lost my best friend', well now you have a new best friend, YOU.

Thus, focus on yourself, be your own best friend. That means self-care, and making life a good life for yourself. You want to buy that new motorcycle or guitar or boat or whatever, go buy it now (especially if she never allowed it). Make yourself a good nice meal every day, or go out for a good meal by yourself now and then. In the Healing Library this is called the '180', Maybe you should look it up and read about it, it helped me for sure.

Further, you are making good steps, and relapse is not an uncommon thing to happen to those who were betrayed by their significant other. When I had relationship issues with my first wayward (ex)gf I started smoking cigarettes again, all the while wondering what she used as an outlet to deal with the stress because she did not smoke or drink or anything, well, her outlet turned out to be the man she had her affair with that was the start of our relationship issues in the first place. So, in hindsight, the only one who was stressed and made an actual effort to save the relationship, and who was killing himself for no good reason, was me. Good that I soon became my own best friend and made life better for myself!, and I recommend you to do the same.

Life also is better when you have a nuclear bomb! By sending a FB message to all parents of the children at school to warn them about your wayward wife, that she may steal the father from the mother and the family and wrecks homes and is a threat, the school principle will soon terminate the job of your wife and she will unlikely find a job at another school. You have all right to send that FB-message, because it is the truth and furthermore it is important to warn others of dangerous things such as your wayward wife. Treat this as an option you have.

Power to you! Strength!

Download and have her read “ How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Mc Donald.

I will pass this on to her. thanks

Stevesn, I will ask for what you listed as well.

"make her quit her job."

I'm not making her do anything, I just wanted to see her try to find a job somewhere else. Her being unemployed doesn't help my situation at all.

Life also is better when you have a nuclear bomb! By sending a FB message to all parents of the children at school to warn them about your wayward wife, that she may steal the father from the mother and the family and wrecks homes and is a threat, the school principle will soon terminate the job of your wife and she will unlikely find a job at another school. You have all right to send that FB-message, because it is the truth and furthermore it is important to warn others of dangerous things such as your wayward wife. Treat this as an option you have.

This cant be good advice. I cant protect half the planet from my wife. That's not my responsibility. I also have no intentions of hurting her just to make myself feel better. Besides she needs to have a job! Especially if we divorce.

Anoldlion, actually whenever the WS works with the AP, they are told the WS should find another job. Too much of a chance of the affair continuing if they are seeing each other every day,and it's nearly impossible for the BS to heal. Gender is not a factor.

And,it may have been a while since you had school aged children. But parents see the teachers at the school quite often. School programs,band meetings, parent teacher conferences, picking up,or dropping the child off(teachers are often outside to supervise the drop off,pick up line, to make sure the kids get in safely. Field trips, etc.

He doesn't say what grade his wife teaches, or what grade the kid is in. The kid could be in her class this upcoming year. Imagine being the BW, and your child sits in a classroom with the OW every day. She signs his report card. She send them home with homework. Maybe your child comes home and tells about his teacher. All one huge trigger. Not to mention, it is required for the parents to provide their email address and phone numbers, so the teacher can pass on any classroom info,or contact of need be.

I can't imagine the school wouldn't reprimand her in some way,though. She had an affair with a student's parent. That is a huge problem.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:54 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

The OBS knows, and would insist that the child not be in you WS’s class. Coming from a family of educators, a transfer at this point is most likely not possible. Her quitting would add financial stress.

The OBS child is not in the same grade.

This is an elementary school. And my daughter is supposed to start kindergarten there next month. I'm supposed to bring her the first day too.

That place isn't just where they met. It's also where I confronted WS/OM on Dday, at a field next door. It where I put hands on the man that was sleeping with my wife.

It should have been a place of happiness, pride, love. My daughters first day of kindergarten will not be what it should have been.

Hi Neanderthal,

I can see how some of the advice seems contradictory: do the 180 and exclude her from your thoughts, but at the same time let her do things to help you.

How can she do things to help you if you are shutting her out?

In fact, what can happen in reality is that you do the 180 and focus on: -

- Is it a deal-breaker, or do you want to fix things between yourself and your wife?

- If you want to fix these, what do you need from your wife to make the marriage more secure in future?

It is not so much pushing her away, as focusing on your needs. The post from fareast really explains this very well.

While you do that, she can help you by working on herself.

Think of it this way: you admit that for a period you were drinking too much and being abusive. The way you helped your wife was by working on yourself to stop drinking, and by reducing the amount of unpleasant things you were saying and doing.

You helped her by fixing you.

In this latest situation, she can help you by fixing herself.

Actually, fixing herself will also benefit her, because I do not think she wants to spend the rest of her life as a side-piece for low-life predators, and that she wants to save the marriage.

People have suggested several good things that your wife can do for you.

I particularly this from stevesn:

Next tell her she needs to write a letter to you telling you why she still wants you as her spouse after she chose someone else for months. It should include what it would mean to her for you to stay while she is working on repairing the relationship.

This would be a really good way to focus her thoughts, and it will help to repair the rift between you for her to express positive things about you and the marriage.

Download and have her read “ How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Mc Donald.

Definitely. Linda McDonald's book has helped many people in the forum, and far beyond it. It lists good, practical steps that your wife can take, and it is something that you yourself may want to read to, as it can help you get your thoughts and emotions in order.

stevesn:

She should find an individual counselor who specializes in Infidelity

And you need one that specializes in alcohol related issues and communication issues.

This is a way for you to help one another by working on yourselves.

stevesn:

Finally that plan should include a written timeline of the affair. What she and he said to each other. Printouts of texts (recovered if deleted) what they physically did each encounter and where and for how long. This will remove all the specialness from it.

The timeline can be a way for her to re-establish honesty with you, and between you. Many waywards want to gloss over things, or claim they cannot remember what was said or done. That tends to leave the betrayed spouse feeling like they are not being told the whole truth, and can become a barrier to reconciliation.

"make her quit her job."

I'm not making her do anything, I just wanted to see her try to find a job somewhere else. Her being unemployed doesn't help my situation at all.

Long-term, a change of job that would lessen her work bringing her into contact with her affair partner could be good, but as another forum member mentioned, if she is determined to see him, she will find another way to do it, regardless of where she works, so a job-change is not a watertight solution.

If your wife is going to stay in the same job that led to the start of her affair, I think it is important that as part of her timeline she goes into detail about how she and the OM came to talk about so much that did not relate to his child's schooling.

How did that happen, where did it happen, did it happen mostly face-to-face, or via phone/messaging?

The point of this detail is to figure out the circumstances where the boundary was crossed, and for your wife to explain how she is going to prevent this from happening with any of the other fathers she comes into contact with in the same circumstances.

I think your wife should also detail all of the times she is in contact with the fathers of students, particularly if it is one-on-one with no supervision.

This will help her to understand the times and circumstances when she has to be on her guard against predatory men initiating inappropriate conversations, and against her sending out mixed or inappropriate signals herself.

In short, she needs to reach a point where she will shut any advances down immediately, and then tell you about them.

That is something that will be important to agree between you: she tells you about any inappropriate 'come ons' or advances, and you listen without blaming her for them. She will need to feel safe to be honest, but she does need to tell you when these things happen as part of the process that will prevent them going any further.

If things progress well, you may decide that you both want to re-boot the marriage into a second, improved version. People have done that.

My own thinking on this is that both people should make lists of what they need themselves and the other person to either do, or not do, for them to be happy.

You can then combine those lists and draw up a kind of mutually-agreed constitution for your re-booted marriage, which you can review every so often, to see how things are going.

Both of you can make a start on those lists, and let them build up as you work on yourselves.

Life also is better when you have a nuclear bomb! By sending a FB message to all parents of the children at school to warn them about your wayward wife, that she may steal the father from the mother and the family and wrecks homes and is a threat, the school principle will soon terminate the job of your wife and she will unlikely find a job at another school. You have all right to send that FB-message, because it is the truth and furthermore it is important to warn others of dangerous things such as your wayward wife. Treat this as an option you have.

This cant be good advice. I cant protect half the planet from my wife. That's not my responsibility. I also have no intentions of hurting her just to make myself feel better. Besides she needs to have a job! Especially if we divorce.

Such a 'round robin' message would certainly be pretty nuclear, but mention of it might damage the peace talks that are currently trying to avoid all-out war.

However, perhaps one way to make the same point, and let your wife draw her own conclusions about what you could do (without threatening to do it), would be to say something like:

"You enjoy being a teacher, but what do you think would happen if all the parents and the school board found out that you sleep with the fathers of your students? You could get fired, and end up with a big black mark on your record that would prevent any other school from ever employing you. Is that something that you want?"

Related to that, I think it would be wise for your wife to figure out what she is going to do when she comes face to face with the wife of her affair partner at a school event or parent-teacher evening. That is a very real possibility, and an argument or a fight in such circumstances could result in your wife losing her career and reputation. So she needs to start thinking about how she will handle it.

This is a tough situation, but there are ways forward that can lead to a solid reconciliation that will be better for both of you, if you both commit to fixing the issues that have led the marriage to its current crisis.

I hope some of this is useful.

This cant be good advice. I cant protect half the planet from my wife. That's not my responsibility. I also have no intentions of hurting her just to make myself feel better. Besides she needs to have a job! Especially if we divorce.

All advice here comes from a good heart and you yourself know best what is helpful and what is not helpful given your situation, you take what you need and leave what you do not think is helpful, all is okay.

As for the thing this was about, as relevant to your current situation, I did not say that you should do it, and I did not say it is for revenge or helping those parents, I said it because your wife should know that if she betrays you again or behaves inappropriately against the best interest of the marriage and your best interest and further shows you disrespect, there will be serious consequences (before or after divorce).

Unfortunately, in life sometimes you just have to remind people that they should not mess with you (again).

Hopefully, she is the wife who does everything she can to help you heal from her affair, but she hurt you and her knowing that you can also hurt her in that way may make her think twice about continuing the affair or starting a new affair in the future (and if she does: Scorched earth).

'Love', 'hope' and 'faith & prayers' are not always sufficient for protecting your interests, and having such a card in your sleeve may help as a means for deterrence (and hopefully it will never necessary to implement).

Best wishes & strength

Such a 'round robin' message would certainly be pretty nuclear, but mention of it might damage the peace talks that are currently trying to avoid all-out war.

However, perhaps one way to make the same point, and let your wife draw her own conclusions about what you could do (without threatening to do it), would be to say something like:

"You enjoy being a teacher, but what do you think would happen if all the parents and the school board found out that you sleep with the fathers of your students? You could get fired, and end up with a big black mark on your record that would prevent any other school from ever employing you. Is that something that you want?"

Thank you M1965!, I agree that this indeed would be a better approach!

Think of it this way: you admit that for a period you were drinking too much and being abusive. The way you helped your wife was by working on yourself to stop drinking, and by reducing the amount of unpleasant things you were saying and doing.

You helped her by fixing you.

I'm not sure me stopping drinking mattered to her. I can remember her telling me she liked me better when I drank. But I understand the point you're trying to make.

All advice here comes from a good heart

Sorry babypuke, I took what you wrote as something I should do now in response to her actions. Not as a possible threat to deter it from happening again.

I've given her a list of things mentioned above to do.

She's already ordered the book, and is planning on posting here at SI. She told me I could read her forum too.

I'm afraid....Afraid to read the timeline she creates. Afraid to read her side of this on SI.