SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, Would like to share my story. I have been married for 6.5 years, together 7 years before marriage. We have 3 children under 5yo together. Life was great, I was so happy, H said he was happy, both so in love with our beautiful children and each other (or so I thought). 1.5 months ago I found a text on our family iPad (the odd, random text comes through from H’s phone for some reason). After some investigation I found out it was a prostitute in a city where H had been the week before. Thinking surely this can’t add up, I phoned H and he came straight home from work. Turns out he has been seeing prostitutes for the last 5.5 years, 13 different women, one time each. He has also been looking on the prostitute website masterbating to it A LOT. I was in complete shock. Fast forward to today, the last 7 weeks have been the worst of my life. I don’t know if I should try and make this marriage work or move on and start fresh with my babies. He now says he can’t believe how stupid and selfish he has been and how he could risk his family like that. He said he got this idea in his head that he wanted this passionate, exciting, porn like sex where he could last for a long time, and when this fantasy came into his head it’s all he could think about, it’s like me and the kids didn’t come into it at all, until after he’d cum and he’d feel instantly guilty, then drive home and not think about it again. Then repeat the next time this ‘urge’ struck. He said his fantasy was never met, none of them were as good as the sex we had (which of course could be lies to make me feel better?) and it now makes no sense to him whatsoever. He felt in a way ‘relieved’ he was caught. I’ve of course asked him if he was happy with our sex life - he said he was in the most part but felt like something was missing. We’ve figured out that the kissing was missing for him (I’m much more a cuddler than a kisser) which caused some of the passion to be lacking for him. (He never kissed a prostitute). We have been seeing a psychiatrist/sex therapist, both of us alone and now us together. From the few sessions we’ve had he thinks H has learnt from earlier years to suppress his emotions. Why - we haven’t figured that out yet. He’s able to file this horrible thing away, not attach emotion to the event and not feel guilty after a few hours, so is not learning from the mistake and can carry on as the ‘good’ husband/father. He compartmentalises prostitutes and family, we are in different boxes. The other major so far is that H is never content, he has a life a lot of people would wish for but has never felt content. He’s never been content with his pasttimes, always losing interest and going from one hobby to the next. In his earlier years most girlfriends lasted 3 months, bar 2 which were 2 years. He has had 2 std checks over the last 5 years, both clear, and will be getting another one next week. He always used a condom. If his are all clear, do I need to get one too? He seems like he regrets what he’s done and says he’s willing to do anything to become a better person, the person I thought he was, the person he thought he was as this prostitute thing was so separate for him. He says he wants me and he wants his kids (he is a great father). I still love the person I thought he was, but this new person seems completely foreign to me. I really don’t know what to do. I am very in touch with my emotions so alot of this stuff is quite hard for me to comprehend and sometimes feels like an excuse. I can’t believe he is capable of doing something so horrible, especially at such a precious time of my life (pregnancies and babies), as well as cancer. It was all so ‘planned’ and sneaky (texts, internet history, maps - all deleted). I hope this all makes sense, I feel like I’m rambling. I guess I’m just after some advice, experiences, support ... I don’t know? Thank you in advance.

I only have a moment to respond, but welcome.

And first thing, order "How to Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is an excellent primer for what he needs to DO if he truly does want to change himself and help heal you.

Read it yourself (it is short) and mark it up and give it to him to read on a short deadline and then come talk to you. There will be lots more to do, but the book is an excellent foundation in cases where the WS actually seems to want to change.

Welcome here little sister,

I'm sorry for what's happened, but glad that you found this site.

There's a few things you need to do and understand immediately:

- This is not your fault, but a failing in him

- You do need to get yourself STD tested. Do not risk your health

- Pay attention to your health: physical, mental, and emotional. This is going to be hell to get through and you need to be at your best. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and tell your doctor what you're going through.

- Educate yourself. Read the Healing Library here and go consult a lawyer, just to see what your rights are.

- Decide whether or not you will accept him sleeping with prostitutes. I know this sounds rather stupid, but you have to consciously decide where your line in the sand is for what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.

- Once you know where that line is, decide how you will protect yourself should that boundary be crossed. Sometimes this means being willing to leave a situation in which you're being hurt.

- Think about what it is that you need for YOU to stay in this marriage. At the very least, you should want remorse from your WH. This means that he will take action (not just words) to fix his mistakes, to understand the pain that he put you through, to accept that he alone made his decisions, that he will make amends to the marriage and rebuild on a foundation of honesty and transparency (giving you access to all affair tools such as accounts, passwords, cell-phone, etc.) and that he will ensure that it never happens again.

It's normal to feel hurt, confused, and angry about all of this. None of it makes sense! And it will take time and effort to work through this as you ride the emotional rollercoaster. Number one rule though is to make sure that you're taking care of yourself (and that's the best way to ensure that you're at your best for your children). You don't have to decide anything right now, but you do have to start asking yourself the questions.

Infidelity is tough.

But guess what?

You're tougher.

The situation may be beyond your control, but you can always control your choices moving forward. Keep strong, keep smart, and keep faith in yourself.

You're gonna be okay.

-ser

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. It is a place no one wants to be, but you will find great information and support.

I found out two years ago that my husband of almost 20 years (Dday occurred a month before our 20th anniversary) had been seeing prostitutes, visiting erotic message parlours, and visiting strip clubs for our entire marriage. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I truly had no idea. I knew we had struggles, but overall thought that we were happy. Like your husband, mine also compartmentalized the cheating to minimize his guilt, so he could still play the role of the loving husband and father. He was eventually diagnosed as a sex addict. This may be an avenue you spouse should explore with an IC who specializes in SA.

Follow the advice given about taking care of yourself. Your children need you. My three kids were what kept me going in the initial months following disclosure. Also, know that this not a marriage issue! It is about something broken inside of him. Do not let him shift any blame onto your shoulders.

I'm still with my WS, but I take it one day at a time. He is doing the work to become a safe partner, and for my kid's sake, I'm giving him the opportunity to prove it to me. He attends a weekly men's group for SA's, sees an IC, passed a polygraph and has given me full transparency in regards to his phone, passwords, ect. Even with all of this, I still experience daily pain and triggers, so know that whether you stay or leave, the road will have challenges. However, you will heal and get through this. Time does lesson the sting. Just be gentle with yourself. Find an IC of your own, and consult an attorney just to know your rights. Knowledge is absolutely power!

Wishing well and sending hugs!

Does your husband regularly watch porn? Read about the Coolidge Effect, it’s an eye opener.

You absolutely need to be tested for STD. Some things are not protected with condoms and for sure prostitutes are exposed a lot more often than your husband would have been.

Read in the healing library. You are in good company here as sorry as we are to have a new member. Would love to see one day where we don’t have higher numbers than we did that morning.

NO771 I am going thru exactly what you are going thru! Will be married for 7 years this December. Found out almost 4 months ago that hubby has been seeing hookers. He also admitted to going atleast 15 times! I know it has to be more, it always is! Read my story here. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639783&HL=71136

He has the same excuses, he did it for the thrill. He was selfish and didn’t think about me or the repercussions of getting caught. He also said he was relieved that he got caught! We might be married to the same a**hole! Feel free to message me maybe we can help each other heal. It’s almost been 4 months now and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t think I can move past this. It wasn’t just one time! It was pre planned and done so many times that I don’t think I can forgive! I’ll write more tomorrow I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thank you all so much for your responses, advice and kind words. I’m sorry that there are so many here, but on the other hand it is good to know I’m not all alone!

Thanks for the book recommendation Odonna – I have downloaded it and will read it asap, then pass it on to H.

SerJR thank you for your advice. No, him sleeping with prostitutes is definitely not acceptable in our marriage and if it was to happen again there would be no question, I would leave him.

Anniek I’m sorry to hear that that happened to you. I can see from the reading I’m doing that reconciliation is a very long, hard road. If I do decide to try and make this marriage work, I’m terrified of never being fully happy again, or getting hurt again. I will bring up SA with the sex therapist.

Marie 2792 not porn as such, only a little every now and then which doesn’t bother me, but the prostitute website is what he used to masturbate to, he guessed every second day on average he would use it. The Coolidge effect is interesting.

Lostinemitions – it made me laugh when you said we may be married to the same a**hole – nothing would surprise me at the moment! That’s one of the main things I struggle with too, is the pre planning and sneakiness. In my mind, a drunken ONS which he admitted to and felt guilty for would probably be forgivable, but years of lying, sneaking, deceiving, planning is what gets me.

I will get an STD check. I feel so, so angry that he risked our precious family and hurt me so much for something so stupid.

Nothing wrong with feeling angry

It's actually a good thing - it's your gut telling you that shit ain't right and you need to take steps to fix it.

You'll hop all over the place with your emotions. What matters is where you focus your energy. Put it on you and on what actions you can take to help yourself out.

Now your WH talks about wanting to stay in the marriage. What does he plan to actually do to earn his way back in to your life?

That has been very new to me, I'm usually pretty stable in my emotions. H describes me as sensitive, but strong. To be jumping around from sadness, anger, resent, hope, all the time is so difficult!

He seems to be doing all the right things - answering all my questions, not getting frustrated with me trying to figure this all out and asking the same questions again, helping alot around the house, he's cried more in the last 7 weeks than in the last 13 years, he's seeing the psychiatrist and will continue to do so, I have access to phone, email, bank accounts (BUT there's nothing to stop him deleting history/texts etc).

He said he doesn't know what else to do, or how to help me. He said he could buy flowers etc but feels like it's a bit of an insult and cheesy and in no way makes up for what he's done. I agree with him. I don't know what more he can do either, but I do feel like I need more, I need to feel like he loves me more than anything for me to try and reconcile.

Yes, flowers are definitely not going to cut it

Here's the thing... there's no magic bullet that will make this all better (whether you reconcile or divorce). Either way it's gonna take time and effort. I would say most say that within 6 months of dedicated effort and everything done right they are about 50% healed. After a year... maybe 75%. After two years... maybe 87.5%. It's like having a house that's been blown down by an earthquake or tornado or something like that. You can't just piece it back together in a few hours and expect it to hold. You have to build it back up from it's very foundation and take all of those bad bricks out. Be patient with yourself and don't rush ahead of where you need to be.

Now... what are you doing to take care of yourself?

It’s good that he’s been trying. My H I think stopped really trying after 4-6 weeks after D Day. I did have him take drastic measures in the beginning such as getting a new bed since he bought the hookers back to our place and they had Sex on our bed. I made him get rid of his car and buy another one because they also had bjs and sex in the car. I felt like I was going to vomit every time I got in his truck. I made him put up cameras so I can see what he is up to if I’m going to be away for a few days, gps on phone and new car. So he thinks with all that in place he has done enough. He goes to MC with me but no more IC. He doesn’t do the homework that our therapist gives us to work on during the week at home. If I confront him about that he says that he’s mentally done and that if I’m always going to expect him to be worrying about the marriage and having to make me feel comfortable then that’s not realistic or sustainable. That alone tells me that he doesn’t think our marriage is worth it. Why would I want to waste another 7 years on this person? Good thing is that your H is actually putting in some work. We don’t have any kids together so I believe he doesn’t feel like we really have a bond. At first I was 100 percent sure that I want to reconcile but as time goes on and he shows me his true colors yet again I’m not so sure. Also like I said before it’s the number of woman he’s been with all the while I thought I was the only one.

[This message edited by Lostinemitions at 5:59 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Thank you SerJR. The time thing is difficult. I so badly just want it all to be better! For the first few weeks it felt like I was going to wake up from this awful nightmare and everything would go back to normal, back to being happy. Now I've realised that is not going to happen and it is going to take a long time to recover from this. Your house analogy is great.

H says he believes we can survive and have an even stronger marriage eventually. Which, from his point of view, is probably true. He's going to fix his issues (which neither of us really knew existed) with the help of the psychiatrist - he'll hopefully be a better person and more in touch with his emotions and hopefully content with all he has, so I guess it's easy for him to see our marriage being even better. Unfortunately it's a bit different from where I'm standing. I'd love nothing more to have an even stronger marriage with an even better man (I used to think he was already an amazing man), but right now I'm struggling to see past this massive road block!

I'm trying to look after myself. I have my beautiful babies to think about which is a massive help to me. Trying to sleep (some nights better than others), going to activities with other people and trying to 'switch off' from this, have started a fitness class which includes boxing which is a great stress reliever for me, and taking one day at a time. I haven't told anyone close to me. Nobody knows except H's parents and the psychiatrist. I considered telling my parents but it didn't feel right. I will tell them if I think I need to for my own support, but right now I think I have made the right decision to keep this away from my nearest and dearest to make this decision on my own. It's great to have this new support from you and SI, I feel like having support from distant people who know what I'm going through is better for me right now than people close to me. I don't really know why that is.

Thanks again :)

Lostinemitions I'm sorry you're going through all this, it is so unfair. It will be interesting to see, as time goes on, how dedicated my H is to making this work. I love my kids more than anything and they certainly give this scenario a whole other dimension. I think in your situation it's good that you can make the decision purely based on what you want and what is best for you x

NO7, I think you have a very good start and, more importantly, an idea of where you want to go. Keep working on yourself and you will find your self esteem rebuilding, your sense of control re-established, your heart and your head getting into sync, and your situation becoming clearer.

There are couples on here who have reconciled and have gone on to a much better marriage and more fulfilling relationship with their partners. There are couples on here who have divorced. There are couples here where the betrayed spouse had enough or the wayward spouse left for the other person. And there's those on here who are stuck in limbo.

There's no one right path for everyone. Just one right path for you.

If you can be true to what you value, you will somehow find that you end up where you need to be. Some days you will get ahead. Some days you will fall behind. But it's the journey in the end that will forge you into who you will be. And sometimes just one step is enough to make a difference.

Thinking of you NO771! I hope you are able to find some peace and respite in the midst of this turmoil.

It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. Just make sure that you find a support system for you; maybe a trusted friend that you can confide in.

I also refrained from telling my parents. I knew they would never look at my WS the same again, and did not want that influencing my decision.

Please be careful that you do not let your husband drive the recovery. He's the one who dropped the bomb on your family. Of course he believes your marriage can be saved. My husband said the exact same thing. However, they are not objective parties. They are desperate and have a vested interest in the outcome. Only time will tell if he is truly reconciliation material.

Thank you for your replies. So yesterday we took a massive leap backwards. The number of prostitutes he'd slept with jumped from 13 to 17. He said he honestly only remembered 13 at the time, but then in the following weeks remembered the other 4. That is believable as he has a shocking memory. BUT I have asked him between then and yesterday if 13 was it and he lied to my face ... again. Then even yesterday I still felt 13 wasn't it and finally pried it out of him. THEN he said to me ... "I just can't lie to you anymore". I asked what he was doing in the city with one of these new ones and he said "I don't know". Then later in the conversation he said he DID know what he was doing there. The reason why he was in the city wasn't an issue at all, but he LIED pretty much straight after saying "I just can't lie to you anymore".

I can't deal with the lying. He says he doesn't want to lie but self preservation and him not wanting to look bad kicks in and it's the first thing he does.

I feel like it's a positive that he told me these extra things yesterday because he didn't have to, I'd never find out but he still continued to lie about details after he 'came clean'. I can't see how that is going to change.

The other issue I'm having is IF I decide to try I feel like I have no dignity and am letting him walk all over me. I'm struggling with that thought too.

Ask him to take a polygraph. You need to get to ground zero before you can make any decisions.

Hugs to you!

Hey NO7,

With regards to the lying, you say you can't deal with it. The question is - will you tolerate it or not? Think about where your lines in the sand are on this... and what you will do if those lines are crossed.

I would set a boundary with your WH and tell him "I want to work on this marriage, but I can't deal with lies or truth trickling out. If am am going to work this out, then I need complete honesty and transparency from you. If I can't get that, I'll have to evaluate my desire to stay in this marriage." It advocates your need and sets the expectation, and puts the ball in his court. The message is clear. Of course - you can only say something like that if you mean it and if you are willing to carry through with it. This is how you take back control and remember your dignity.

ETA: This is, of course, assuming that you want to work on your marriage. For many infidelity (especially multiple, and especially especially continued) itself is a deal-breaker, and lying (especially continued) is just as much one.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

It is nice to know I am not alone. I was absolutely gutted to find out my husband of 24 years had been using prostitutes and paying for phone sex for the past two years. I found out 7 months ago and I still haven't moved beyond the horrible grief. Since the day I found the first tiny bit of information it has been a nightmare of trickle truth and usually only when I have found out more information from my own investigation. I lied to women, hacked into all his accounts, got copies of phone bills and went through all his bank records. I think I shocked him with my ruthlessness to find out the truth. He finally said I knew everything (6 hookers and an almost uncountable number of paid phone sex calls) and he wrote out a complete account and timeline. He took a polygraph confirming that he was truthful and that the timeline was accurate and complete. One month later something he said didn't add up in my head and I went back to check bank records and phone records. I crosschecked his statement with these and realized the statement he signed was far from complete. He seemed to be shocked at this and swears he believed it was complete. Our therapist believes he has dissociation identity disorder and that his condition is severe. She seems to believe this amnesia of events. I don't know what to think. Does it really matter? If it is 70 or 100 women? I'm completely stuck right now. I moved out but we are still working together. We have run our own business for the past 20 years and I am not ready to leave it all to him and walk away. Maybe we need to start our own club here.