SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Recovering from being betrayed is a lot of work, but the sooner you do it, the better for you.

Staying with a WS who changes from betrayer to good partner makes a lot of sense to me - it's what I hoped would happen for me. My W cheated with a woman, said she preferred sex with me, and agreed to monogamy. But I wanted R.

What do you want? Do you want to be with him (assuming he makes the necessary changes) indefinitely?

Do you have requirements for R? It looks like you have some - therapy - but is that all you want? For example, I knew I wanted honesty from the moment I learned of my W's A. No more lies, about anything.

I wnate dto know she desired me, so I required her to initiate sex sometimes.

If you have observable requirements for R, you can tell if he is a good candidate for R - if he meets the reqs, he may be a good candidate; if he doesn't he probably isn't.

But it comes down, first, to what you want. It's best if you make a conscious choice about that.

If you both want R and if your WS is a good candidate, staying together can be very rewarding.

If one of you doesn't want R, or if your WS is not a good candidate, leaving makes sense; staying doesn't.

✋️. My husband was cheating with men too... it's a whole extra layer of shit to process with infidelity. I think the most concerning part of your scenario (and they are all different- yet the same)... is that he was only searching out men on gay websites. My husband is a SA and sucks. He cheated the entire time we dated, married, had children, etc. He cheated with women for a long time, then he decided threesomes and group sex were awesome, then the threesomes had two men, then he could sometimes only find men for blow jobs... it got so crazily out of hand and out of control and I can see how it evolved- so I believe him when he says he isn't gay. He eventually got extorted by a single lady (who knew nothing of the same sex hookups). We are 3.5 years out. He seems to be transparent and really trying to live a better and more honest life. Yet, I still think about it everyday. Driving down the road, watching tv, when my toddler son puts on nail polish with his sisters... I have a family member whose now divorced because the now ex husband came out as gay- They co parent seemingly well.

No one has the answers for you- just take one day at a time and I suggest watching, making an exit plan when and if you need one, and choose you and any kids first and foremost. Same sex affair partners don't get a ton of responses here, but I guarantee it's more common than people know. I'm happy to PM with you or answer anything I can on this thread.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Mrs,

I am sorry you are here but you will find the best support possible through the forum.

You’ve been given some great advice to summarize:

1) get tested, while any affair is high risk, married men with other men is very high risk. Your health is very important.

2) take care of yourself, self care is key.

Finally, yes your husband could be a repressed bisexual/hone sexual but as others pointed out his choices could be driven by hyper sexuality and/or combination of drugs or he could have past trauma he is subconsciously addressing and/or recreating. For you too attempt reconciliation it is key he get into therapy and get too the root of this. Good luck and god bless.

Not to T/j here but wanted to address the blanket statements of “he had sex with men, he must be bi/gay. While it may be true he is bi/gay, the mere fact he went to a gay site and/or had sex with other men is a blanket statement; one That doesn’t help MRs at all and personally I found repugnant and offensive personally. These blanket statements triggered the F out of me days ago and once I got my PTSD under control I was able to come back and post. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have spent years in therapy and thousands of dollars undoing the damage that was done too me with out my consent. As such, abuse survivors at the hands of other men already question theirs sexuality because “we must have done something to provoke it, we must be gay because the chose us and we must be gay because our bodies at times responded”. Based on the posters comment of having sex with men makes MRS. husband bi/gay, implies that because I too as a child had sex with men (with or without my consent) implies I too must be gay. While I am confident in my sexuality to imply an act alone defines sexuality is misguided and harmful. I implore all of us to think about the harmful impacts a seamingly innocent statement has on those around us.

Whothebleep

It does make you wonder, doesnt it? My SA's grandfather was a known pedofile and he molested my husbands mother and sister....I find it almost impossible that grandpa didnt do the same to him.

I asked him if there were men, right after DD and he denied it, but he didnt sound so certain. I asked him if he thought it would progress to men, he literally said he didnt know. In reading, the men becomes part of the escalation, because they are always bored and need more risk, in order to get off. It is like sky is the limit. So reminiscent to the escalation of a serial killer, it is not even funny.

I think the childhood mixed with the porn really fucks them up. I always thought straight porn seemed awfully homosexual, with the amount of HUGE dicks in it. It does not seem normal for a straight man to be fascinated with that many dicks. Considering my husband watched porn since like 9 or ten years old....how wouldn't men play into that fantasy?

I was molested by neighbor boys, and I remember being very confused. As I got older, I realized the boy that instigated it, was being molested by his much older brother and probably his father....when this was going on, the boy would describe to me how his brother "showed him" how to do these things. That sickness is everywhere. So insane.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 7:15 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

Let me preface this by saying I am not an expert at all on this topic, but I have many gay friends, and we talk about sex, STIs, etc. very frequently. Pretty much all of my gay male friends are on PrEP to hopefully help them avoid HIV. Several of my friends are positive (probably more are than I know of). This is a huge concern in the gay community. I'm constantly going to fundraisers for anti HIV causes, and the numbers I hear are alarming. I'm assuming your WH is not on PrEP, and condoms (if he's even using them; often in affairs they don't, and it's even less likely if drugs were involved) are not 100%.

I do think there are additional concerns when a woman assumes she is in a monogamous relationship with a straight man and that man goes on to have sex with men.

I don't care about labels - many of my gay friends were married to women in their past. The fact is that there is a high rate of recidivism among cheaters. I've never been able to find reliable stats (the books I read in the past said it's so hard to study since cheaters are liars, so you can't trust the survey data and there's no way to accurately get information) but anecdotally you see time and time again - multiple D-Days, back years later, "she cheated again!" posts, etc. The absolute best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Please think things through, OP. You don't want to be back here in a few years saying "Another D-Day, and I found out by getting a positive results on an HIV test." I'm so sorry that you're in this situation and I wish you peace and clarity as you work through the best way to deal with a ridiculously painful situation.