Instead of starting a new thread i thought I would post here as many W’s are on here. I had a bad bout of projecting earlier and I had to sit down and dig deep for myself about why the hell I keep doing it. I feel I know why it starts, which sometimes I ignore when I feel my emotions are “back to normal.”This morning, My WW told me that our informal marriage would have to dissolve by divorce and there is no way around it unless she moves out of the country. She hasn’t moved forward with it, but I feel she looks into it just to be prepared if she chooses to do so. We actually did the informal marriage so I could add her to my health benefits 2 years ago. The F’d up thing is I was deep in my last PA. I wasn’t present that day(at the court house to do the informal marriage) and my WW was not in a good mood and felt very uncomfortable about doing it. Of course my selfish ass didn’t consider how she felt and did it anyway. My WW has expressed many times how seriously she takes big commitments and how uncomfortable she feels about them. Such as car and home buying and marriage of course. She has told me her reasons behind it many times. I understand now why she is so upset. Not only because she feels trapped by it, but the restrictions and control behind it. Plus the costs involved. I understood why now she was so upset as I stripped her of her individual freedoms, betrayed her, and trapped her into something while betraying her. As we discussed how this impacted her, I started to see myself as someone who clearly didn’t see or treat her as a person which led me to thinking it felt like i had a slave owner mentality. I tried to own, control, and punished her with my selfish ways to benefit me in every way. I feel extremely terrible about my cruel actions and said if it ever came to divorce, I would pay for it. It goes on record, but I am responsible for putting her through that awful experience. That’s part 1. Now what happened next catapulted me into projecting. My WW is not into high fives or fist bumps, but lately I give her 3 side fives to praise her or motivate her to do things for her. I noticed sometimes she isn’t always enthusiastic about doing it, but I encourage it because I try to motivate her or encourage her to do things for herself etc. She finally said she wasn’t a huge fan of it and I said, “but I do it for you.” She followed that with but you know I don’t like doing that.” “You do it for you.” And i said “I do it to encourage you.” These two situations tie together because in both situations I clearly and cold heartedly dismissed her feelings not once thinking what i thought was doing this for her when it was for me. See me, hear me, look what I am doing for you bullshit. I felt myself unraveling with emotions of guilt and avoidance. I started playing with change in my pocket, looking around, not being present not one bit. I thought of the conversation yesterday when she said I show empathy when it comes to other things that she has went through except for the A. I can probably count on one hand on that regard. I started becoming frantic and talking 50 mph. I was trying to get myself back to the moment but it was too late.
Because I denied those feelings, I started projecting by unconsciously avoiding taking responsibility for the feelings and thoughts I had in those moments by attributing them to my family. I was getting onto the kids about their room and everything in between and found myself trying to do a million things around the house not only because they needed to get done, but I was avoiding my feelings which felt like lava waiting to erupt.
I realize in each of those moments I was taking out my feelings that could have been processed in a healthy way. I felt terribly bad and sat down to research and understand what was really going on with me. They didn’t deserve any of it and these behaviors can lead to me acting out.
I know I am still battling shame and low self esteem so I considered that too. I know I don’t want these behaviors to be a part of me so taking steps to prevent them are extremely important to me.
To help with projecting is to practice mindfulness, self compassion, have alone time, therapy, journaling daily, question thoughts, and communicate better.
Did you marry or put your BS in these type of situations or similar and how did you help them and yourself heal and recover from it?
[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 6:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing
In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"