I was thinking about something my XH said the other day - that he did not want to do the work because I seemed unhappy and that he felt I could never trust him again. I have also listened to many people on this site and elsewhere who say that they never trust the same, and that may be, but I'm not one of those people....and I'm GLAD for that. I think that regaining trust is easier than it seems - and it's all about actions for me.
Here's how I know it can be done and I'm not sure how I'd forgotten - but I will not be infinitely broken by his behavior:
My nephew lived with me for years. First as a small child with his mom, and then later, just with me, as a teenager/young adult who was in the midst of a drug addiction, unaddressed abandonment issues, and a whole host of illegal activities. For almost 3 years my nephew looked me in the eyes and lied to me, manipulated me, used me, tricked and deceived me on a regular basis - and I mean that almost every conversation for a time was based in lies and trickery and deception. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting in much the same way that my XH's behavior was. The betrayals were seemingly endless. In a way, parts of it were worse than with my XH as whenever my nephew left I was worried for his health and his safety - was he dead somewhere as a result of the drug dealing or an overdose or some wasted vehicle accident? He would disappear for days and the worry was immense. The only time I was ever able to relax and put my guard down was when he was passed out at my house or in jail. That was it. Every day was a lie. Every day was worry. Every day was a constant stream of stress and anger and hopium...lots of that too.
Ultimately I threw him out of the house one afternoon when his vitriol became too much, which to date was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I had tried and tried and tried and given him every opportunity imaginable to turn himself around, and yet he chose to continue lying and manipulating and was filled with anger at me. I loved him like he was my own and on good days he treated me with indifference. On bad days he treated me with disdain and anger. The sadness over his choices were immense, but the decision to make him leave was for me more than for him - I simply could not take it anymore. I was all tried out.
At some point after I tossed him out on the street, he ended up in jail, which appeared to be his "rock bottom." While he was there he decided this was not the life he wanted, and that he needed help to figure himself out. He got very lucky and got out on bond that turned into a suspended sentence, where he was given the opportunity by the court to make changes to his life, and to live with me again. It was truly the "last chance" with me and for the first few months I was nervous as hell about what he was doing/where he was going/if he was lying. But, that disappeared VERY quickly...strangely fast, not because I was putting my head in the sand (I was not - I had promised my family I would turn him in at the first sign of wrongdoing to preserve the bond money which was significant - as in cost of a house significant - which my parents had taken from their retirement to pay so I was hyper-villigant to the point I rarely slept making sure he was doing what he said he was - watching his behavior, body language, his words and how he said things). Instead, it was because it was OBVIOUS via his ACTIONS that he was trustworthy and doing the right thing. He was going to NA, working regularly, and (and this was the big one) he SEEMED different. He was not secretive, was willing to talk about things differently, his whole attitude changed, and while we didn't talk a lot about the lies and betrayal much at all, we didn't need to, as it was clear things were different. His actions and the way he behaved was more evidence than I could have ever needed that things had changed.
And you know what - strangely - without my ever really thinking about it...I trusted him again - like 100%. It was to the point where when he got to his step of making amends, and he apologized and said he hoped I could trust him sometime again. And at that moment I realized - I already did (and I still do 8 years later). That point, which I remember distinctly, was a mere 6 months after he was released from jail. And yes, he did relapse, but it was momentary and even that was different precisely because HE had changed and was changing and really didn't want to be that person anymore.
So - the moral of this story isn't that I'm not capable of trust and not that you can't get that back. Because I think for most of us, or maybe at least luckily for me, I can do it, even when trust has been demolished. I reminded my XH of this story, so again, the "problem" isn't me - it's him and his actions or lack thereof.
And yes, I know, infidelity is different - but not as much as it seems really. Trust is trust is trust to me - either you have it or you don't but it can be regained. It is possible, for me. The fact that my XH does not want to make the effort to be trustworthy is on him. I guess my point of this post is that the ability to trust again is totally possible - the ability to become trustworthy is on the individual who breached it to begin with.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:32 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
