SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post, though I have been lurking here for about 2 weeks now. I do apologize in advance that it may be lengthy. I haven’t come across anything quite like my story, so I thought I’d share it just incase someone else finds themselves in a similar messed up situation.

My WH and I have been together for about 14 years. I thought that things were great. We have a house together, and are raising a daughter that I had from a previous relationship. He’s been in her life since she was 3. Finally, after all these years together we were planning our wedding. It was a happy time and we were looking forward to it. Over the summer I was engaged in various activities that led me out of province for a couple of weekends, and on one occasion, a full week. During that time, my WH was spending time hanging out and playing board games with a couple that we have met camping about 10 years ago, and have camped a long weekend with (as part of a larger group) for the last 10 years.

I thought that it was great that he was getting out and doing things. He is very introverted, so I encouraged him to get out more. It made me happy to see him happy and spending time with friends.

Cue my Dday... I will never forget the date. August 8th I came home from work, and he said that we needed to talk. I could tell from his tone that it was something serious, and was wondering if he was getting cold feet as our wedding was just 6 weeks away at this point. We went into our bedroom where he confessed that over the summer he had fallen in love with someone else. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. It wasn’t. I made him tell me who... it was the woman from the couple he had been spending so much time with. He said that he had had a crush on her for a while (I knew that, but also thought we were so solid that I brushed it off) and that the feelings kept growing over the summer as they spent more and more time together getting to know each other. I asked if anything had happened, and he admitted to a kiss. Most of the evening is a blur, but I remember crying. And I remember asking him to leave. He told me that none of this affected the way he felt about me and he still wanted us to be together. Then he left, and drove to a nearby shopping centre while I collected myself.

He came home shortly after (about a half hour later) and sought me out. I asked him if anything else had happened, as this was his chance to tell me the truth. He admitted that they had had sex once. He said (after my initial shock and crying) that there had been a threesome the weekend before. He said the OW and her H were open to her having a relationship with my WH, and he was hoping that I might be too, as that is what he wanted. My world ended. Like I said I don’t remember much... I do remember telling him that he had to choose. Right then and there, whether it was going to be her or me. There was no hesitation when he chose me. I told him to end it right then and there, and he called her and told her that what they had was done.

I spent the next 3 weeks in a fog, asking questions over and over, trying to wrap my head around what has happened. How could this man, that I had loved for 14 years, was planning a wedding with, and who was ADAMANT that he despised cheaters, do this to me? To us? Why was I not enough that he could risk throwing all we’ve created together away?

I did learn that the OW had talked to her partner about my WH 2 years prior, admitting to her partner that she was struggling because she had feelings for my WH. They discussed it for 2 years, and they came to terms together that they would be alright if something happened, and that it wouldn’t affect their relationship together. Apparently OW had felt she loved my WH ever since they first met 10 years ago. Nothing was ever brought up though until that night that they were together for games, and drinking. I am so incredibly hurt because I thought this other couple were *our* friends.

He deleted his emails. His facebook and text history and went NC. I didn’t get a chance to go through anything. So I asked questions over and over, but I couldn’t stand not knowing. We tried recovering the deleted texts, but to no avail. I asked him to email OW and ask if she still had them, and if she did could she please email them. Days went by before we heard back, and my WH was at work the morning I noticed them in his email, in his spam folder, unopened. I opened them but didn’t have much of a chance to read through before I had to leave for work myself. But one thing was blatantly clear... it had been far more than just the one time he insisted it was.

It started back in June, when I went away on my first summer trip with a friend. I played with a competitive band, and it turns out that every. Single. Weekend. Or time that I was away, he was going to see them. I was broken all over again. Not only how could he do this, but lie about it straight to my face for 3 weeks afterward? It had lasted for 2 months, and the chatting was every single day from the time they woke up (6:30am) to the time right before they went to sleep (10:30pm). Phone calls, texting, even a night spent in a hotel room. Sometimes it was the 3 of them together, sometimes it was just him and her. Her H seemed fine with it, and was happy and willing to give her whatever she wanted, just as long as she was happy.

Only the way he acted immediately afterward is what kept me from calling off the wedding. He has been incredibly remorseful, and regretful of everything. He has been doing everything right to try and make me feel safe and secure again. We are talking a lot more than we used to and more openly and honestly about things. I have set boundaries though, that if anything like this ever happens again, that despite still loving him, I would be going straight to a lawyer to file for divorce. There would be no friendship between us, nothing. It would be the end. Period. He understands this and is doing everything he can to show me that he wants to make our marriage work.

Yes, i went through with the wedding. Through all this chaos it was one singular perfect day. We are about 3.5 months post Dday now, and working on us every single day. some are better than others. Other days I feel completely numb and feel nothing at all. Some days I feel like buying a baseball bat and destroying the computer that he spent so much time with her on. Some days I am ok, and even mildly happy.

There has been so much happen, this is basically the coles notes version. I think we are heading toward R. It is our hope, both of us. But some days... I just don’t want to and wonder if I’d be better off being by myself where no one can hurt me like this again. At the moment I have no plans on leaving, and really want to work through the trauma in my brain that this has caused. So please don’t tell me to run. Not saying that I eventually won’t, but right now it is my choice to stay.

I know some people get some satisfaction over telling the other BS about the affair... but has anyone else dealt with the fact the the A happened with the other COUPLE? Please, please help me dig through this. And if you made it all the way to the end, thank you.

I'm so sorry. If I'm not mistaken, there are at least 2 other posters with a similar story. I hope they are able to help you.

It was just a kiss, then sex one time?

Nope, he lying.

Back off the marriage until you get out of denial of what you're dealing with.

You don't want to go though a repeat.

I hate to tell you this, But i have seen this before, If this is not a dealbreaker for you it really should be. This will not end well for you sorry....

Megall,

You need the WHOLE truth. All of it. There is no way to start a marriage on lies and infidelity.

I am so sorry.

Have you gotten tested for STDs? Did you get a pre-nup?

Are you in IC? You need to understand why you are willing to rug-sweep this at the beginning of your marriage. Please please see a lawyer and understand how to protect your assets in case (or more likely when) this implodes.

This is hard, I know. Really really hard. But your marriage has a faulty foundation. He needs to come 100% clean and DO THE WORK in IC to understand why he did what he did or your marriage will not thrive.

Keep reading in the healing library. Please — protect yourself.

(((Megall79)))

Just wanted to chime in as someone who also married almost immediately after dday. In my case it’s created an extra layer of complication because most people who don’t know the whole story say “well you knew and married her anyway.”

In fact she’s really dug her heals into a version of the story where I “tricked her” into getting married by pretending to be understanding/forgiving and then unleashing hell once she was “trapped.” In addition to being a massive roadblock to R, it’s indescribably painful to hear the person you love accuse you of marrying them for anything other than, well, love.

In reality A) I was in total shock and just focused on putting everything back in place B) I only found out the extent and true nature of the A’s(plural, didn’t know that before) after we married, and C) I hadn’t hit the anger phase yet.

I’m sorry you’re here and I pray for you to not have similar complications. Also if any of that is familiar, you’re not alone in the odd guilt of feeling like you “should have known better” or whatever.

Cheers

I hate to say this but I think the marriage was a big mistake. Pre-marriage and honeymoon should be the pinnacle of happiness and are usually when bonds are strongest. If you are already beginning a marriage wracked by infidelity, what do you think will happen as the years go by and you both get into the normalcy of everyday life and stress? Familiarity breeds contempt for many people. 14 years together....so even though the marriage was new, the relationship was old to him, he wanted something new and fresh. I hope it works out for you but I have a bad feeling about it.

You should have called off the wedding, but it's too late now, first demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too), know that it takes about 2 to 5 years to overcome infidelity under the best of circumstances and with no guarantees, but there has to be true remorse (not just regret) and full transparency and honesty. Also demand he signs a postnuptial agreement in your favor in case he cheats again in the future, remember he's now a proven cheater and a liar.

There are two other posters who have been in a couples scenario. One is an active poster the other I haven’t seen in awhile.

Is your husband in IC to explore what made him become intimately involved with a couple you were friends with for a decade? This is a symptom of a bigger problem with poor boundaries. I wonder if it’s been going on as long as you’ve known them. That’s more than half of the length of your relationship.

Please protect yourself. You have a child watching and listening to both of you. You deserve the truth and your husband needs to figure out why he went down this road.

Hopefully one of the other posters will be along soon. Either way you will get tons of support here. Welcome.

There are two other posters who have been in a couples scenario. One is an active poster the other I haven’t seen in awhile.

Is your husband in IC to explore what made him become intimately involved with a couple you were friends with for a decade? This is a symptom of a bigger problem with poor boundaries. I wonder if it’s been going on as long as you’ve known them. That’s more than half of the length of your relationship.

Please protect yourself. You have a child watching and listening to both of you. You deserve the truth and your husband needs to figure out why he went down this road.

Hopefully one of the other posters will be along soon. Either way you will get tons of support here. Welcome.

Have you actually called her husband, to verify he knew and was ok with it?

I have been in touch with both the OW and her H, and they have confirmed the details, and that they were both involved. Sometimes it was all three of them together, other times it was just my WH and OW while her H took a walk or something. I really feel badly for the other H as I feel he was manipulated by his wife into allowing it to happen. Or at least this is my observation after speaking with him about it. He doesn’t seem to think of it that way, but as someone on the outside looking in that is my impression.

My WH and I spent all morning and part of this afternoon talking about everything. I know it’s hard to understand because I can’t put all the conversations we’ve had here, or fully explain the remorse or regret that he has demonstrated to me. But as of right now, I am committing to making the attempt for us to work. I do struggle with realizing that he is not the man I thought he was, and I do feel (some) sadness at having lost our friends. Not that I want them back, but I miss the friendship that I thought we had. I guess not everyone has your best interests at heart, friendship or not.

In the meantime I am trying to read everything that I can get my hands on, and writing in a journal both on good days and bad. He is focusing fully on us, and is consistent by doing things to help me feel secure, even small things like texting me that he has arrived at work. He is doing it all “right” from what I’ve been reading. But now my struggle lies in my own head. I have no idea how to go about trying to build my self esteem again, or what it will take for me to even consider lowering my defence walls to allow the person who hurt me back in. Other than time. Is time just the answer?

I think it could work if you never have kids.

If you have kids, your whole world is going to change, hubby will not be #1 priority and in all likelihood will go off and stray again.

I know you don't believe us. We are all conditioned to think we are exceptions. I did too, for a long time. It was really difficult to accept that two people (my exH and I) that I thought were pretty unique, turned out to be pretty much like everyone else.

The only unusual thing in your scenario is that the other BS encouraged it. But that has nothing to do with your H. He's a run of the mill WS. You say he was remorseful immediately but he hid the truth from you and may still be hiding it.

Keep your eyes open.

Marriage is not a walk in the park. What's going to happen when things get difficult? He cheated when things were perfect.

Is time just the answer?

For some people infidelity is simply a dealbreaker, time is usually the answer to overcome it but I've read stories of people who decades later have still yet to heal completely from it. You seem hellbent on trying to make the M work, instead let go of the outcome and protect yourself, remember he started a one-sided open M behind your back and later even thought you would agree to it, it takes a very selfish/wayward individual to even consider this, have you EXPOSED him with all family and close friends yet (they were betrayed too) ? has he apologized to them ? Have you demanded he gets tested for STDs and have you seen the results ? needless to say DO NOT have sex with him until you know it's "safe" to do so, some STDs could take up to six months to show.

I have been in touch with both the OW and her H, and they have confirmed the details, and that they were both involved. Sometimes it was all three of them together, other times it was just my WH and OW while her H took a walk or something. I really feel badly for the other H as I feel he was manipulated by his wife into allowing it to happen. Or at least this is my observation after speaking with him about it. He doesn’t seem to think of it that way, but as someone on the outside looking in that is my impression.

My impression is that you need to see yourself here. To me, you and the other BS are the same. Two people who are not in a place to see their real situations.

You can say that your WH is doing all of the right things. I am not there. I suspect you are grading generously. I also believe that your WH done way more with OW than he has told you, but has not told you because what he told you was enough for you.

Honestly, who has the power in your relationship? WH is pretty much playing with house money at this point. He cheats again, falls in love with someone else again, falls in love with OW again, yeah, you MIGHT divorce him. Might. Meanwhile, he's got the comfort of you, and he just might fall in love all over again. With the woman of his choice.

I am sorry. All BS are thrown into the cold water without warning, and we swim the best we can. But you need to focus on you, not on building a marriage on this shaky ground. Best of luck.

I have no idea how to go about trying to build my self esteem again, or what it will take for me to even consider lowering my defence walls to allow the person who hurt me back in.

I hope the following extract will give you something to consider. The blow to one's self esteem following infidelity is simply huge. I admire you for following through with the marriage. I really hope your WH is able to comprehend and appreciate in the coming years the gift you have offered him. Best wishes.

'Authentic self-esteem is not dependent upon others or things external to us. Such self-esteem is a manifestation of our relationship with ourselves. The essence of self-esteem is that it flows from within. If we lay ourselves bare in our vulnerability and strip away our careers, our families, our friends, our possessions and achievements, what are we left with? And how does that feel? Beyond the obvious losses, do we like and respect who we are, irrespective of the markers of other-esteem?

Not only is this a self-deprecating experience, but it also sabotages our relationships, for they are far from authentic. When we act in this manner, we are literally taking our well-being and serving it up to other people. It then becomes the other person's role to decide if we are worthy. This is not a healthy place to be, and it is a soul-defeating exercise. We should never judge ourselves based upon who we think others see us.'

Megall79, if you're going to try to reconcile you might want to read up on postnuptial agreements and see if it's something you want to add.

My first XH had an affair with his secretary and her hubby. I walked in on them in the act.

I divorced him immediately. Got everything in the divorce I asked for bc I threatened to tell him Parents and grandparents.

We were very young though. If it happened today...I don't know what I would do.

The fact he lied about how often it was is troublesome - have you asked him about this? A

I'm sorry you married him Megall79. You might want to get some IC and determine if you want to continue on the path you're on. You may also want to consider a post-nuptial agreement. I wish the best for you.

Something doesn’t add up here. I think there is more to this story and you have only seen the tip of the iceberg. They have been interested in each other for ten years but the affair only started this summer?

Why would she risk her own marriage and confess her feelings for your husband years ago if nothing else was going on? I also can’t imagine that she would spend two years trying to convince her husband to open up their relationship if she didn’t already know that your husband was interested and willing. Their story doesn’t make sense.

[This message edited by luckynumber7 at 10:52 AM, November 25th (Monday)]