Hey ya'll! I am not sure if you guys remember me, but I haven't been here in months. I will keep my story short and sweet for those who don't know. My boyfriend cheated on me back in May, well April, and I found out in May. He was sleeping with some random girl that he met, and it lasted a few weeks. His sister found out and told me about it. I was 5-6 months pregnant when I found out. I kicked him out of the house, he and his step-daughter. It was a very rocky road, as I went back and forth with cutting him out of my life. He also dabbled in drug issues (alcohol and cocaine) and chose to go and mess around with other girls (this is after we had broken up). He fell into a great depression after I left him. I was depressed too, being a newly pregnant single mother.. I wanted him and I to work things out on a deeper level, I never voiced that to him, as I had broken up with him and wasn't sure what route I wanted to go down. We stayed broken up for roughly a month, until he made multiple attempts to see me, but couldn't see to make any commitments to me. It was clear he wanted to have his fun time (with drugs and girls) and I wasn't in his line of sight.
In mid-july he came back full-force, practically begging me to come back. Made many promises to quit the drugs and any other girl he had seen. He wasn't involved with any one intensely, he was just meeting people at bars. And I of course, was seeing no one. As I didn't want to in my condition. There was a point in time when I didn't even want to be with him.
Anyways, he came back. We spent lots of time together at our old house, he would stay, and we were seeing a therapist weekly. He expressed how he wanted to make strides to change. I believe that he truly meant this. He literally was bending over backwards for me doing everything I needed from him. We did decide toward the end of August, that we wanted to get back together. His daughter moved back home as well, and she began 2nd grade. And life seemed to go back to normal. Our beautiful baby was born on September 16th. Things got hard because of the baby, but he was there. And helping. Giving me time to sleep. He would say mean things when he was upset, but later would apologize. He did what a man is supposed to do for his family. Worked long days, came home and spent time with his family. Went to bed. He never really left the house and would feel guilty any time he did and return within an hour of leaving. I knew he wasn't hurting me like he had before.
We have just moved into a bigger house (we needed an extra bedroom for a nursery) and things almost seem better than they have ever been. He touches base with me all day about how I am doing, and what he is doing. He is affectionate, loving, and caring toward me. He is attentive to mine and the baby's needs. He cooks dinner most nights and helps me with house chores.
I guess the reason I am here, is that I still feel stuck. Even though things are great, and we've connected in new ways, those feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, deep pain, all still are there. They don't seem to be going away. They are lingering and I'm wondering if they will ever dissipate. I wonder if there will ever be a time in the back of my mind where I will stop questioning his whereabouts. Even though he tells me where he'll be and to fact check him if I need too. We've gotten in fights don't get me wrong. We are still working, it is such a process. I wouldn't have given him a second shot if it weren't for the birth of our baby.
It's almost been 6 months since he cheated, and I love him, but I am scared there is still a secret side of him that I don't see. My insecurities overwhelm me and take over me. Will I ever get over this? Will we ever fully recover?
The answer scares me.
