SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all- I’ve had some foo developments and I need to just get it out and maybe hear some input on whether this is good or bad because honestly, Im feeling pretty scared right now and my anxiety is peaking.

Where to start...

my relationship with my parents has been tumultuous for years. Long story short, I deal with my dad for my mom and to keep the peace but otherwise I don’t like him. I used to. Even though he is a creepy creepo and touched me inappropriately as a girl. My memories of the experiences are scattered but I’ve talked about them throughout the years at points. Never dealt with them just talked about them at times in confidence with friends or a boyfriend, my husband, my sister in law but never my brother.

I told my sister in law before they had children that if they had a girl not to let them stay at my parents and why. It was about 5 years ago and after a lot of drinks. We never talked about it again.

My parents have not spoken with me since before thanksgiving. They got mad at me bc my Mr Foenix invites his cousins to my parents for thxgiving dinner. They had been with us there last year too bc they have no other family near by. Maybe H should have asked me first before inviting them but also I don’t blame him for not asking. We’ve always opened our home to anyone that didn’t have a place to go or no family close to see. We’ve lived all over the country and I will tell you what... if it wasn’t for kindness like that open door philosophy then I would have had some lonely Christmases and thxgiving with just me and 3 kids. H does frequently work on holidays.

Anywho... I told my mom that H invited them and she demanded that I disinvite them. I tried not to make it a big deal. I suggested I would just host at my house and have the cousins there, and they did their thing. She was having her brother from States away for dinner. And wanted to put on heirs. But bc I didn’t bend and told her I wouldn’t disinvite them bc it’s not right to do by my own moral code. She hung up on me. I sent flowers for thxgiving. No word. A week later I started a group text to figure out Xmas plans. My mom wouldn’t reply. The following day my brother called me to tell me my parents will not talk to me until I apologize for being hurtful. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to. If they want to carry around all this hurt, that’s their choice.

Yesterday my brother and I got together with our kids. My sister in law and I were talking and she told me that my mom has been asking for their oldest girl to stay over night. She told me she needed me to tell my brother about the creepy stuff, so that he knew why She doesn’t want the girls sleeping there, so last night, after her request, I did.

My brother didn’t respond with much. He wanted to know why I never told him. I didn’t have an answer.

Meanwhile, I really have spent the last few months preparing for this MUCH thanks to talks with hiking and pippin and their inspiration/encouragement to deal with all this suppressed stuff. (Thank you to both of my wayward sisters for being there for me with all this.)

I guess I don’t know what to feel or expect going forward. I told my brother I’m not interested in confronting my dad. I told him he could do what he felt he needed to do with that information. I think though, me telling my brother this, solidified that I’m not going to talk to my parents again. I feel numb. And anxious. And dirty. Coming clean last night, it kind of made me feel molested all over again. I think that’s why I don’t want to face it other than this...

How do I further confront this issue. Do I have to navigate anything further? Is it just done now that I won’t see my parents again? Or maybe I will at my brothers kids parties and what not. I don’t know. I never want to confront my dad. Is that bc I’m a coward? Is it imperative I do confront him?

H is remaining pretty quiet about it and says he’ll support me however I want proceed but he is encouraging me not to eliminate them from fb bc he says we don’t know what will happen. I think he’s right for now that I don’t do anything and just wait to see how everything progresses but going NC with AP and family was essential and I see why. I wonder about doing that with my parents but like, they’re my parents.

Thoughts and insight is very welcomed. DDay was 2 years ago... this is the 2 yr anniversary that I was discharged from the psych hospital. This is just a weird time of year bc it’s the holidays and I want to Be cheerful and joyous but my heart is heavy. I’m ok. I know I’ll survive. It’s just... blahhhhh. I’m just blah.

first of all.

you don't have to decide it all or fix it all tonight. wow. Thats a lot of stress.

I get it. I really do. I've never spoken of my abuse with my step siblings. I have four of them. They're all older. I tried once and chickened out. I'm pretty sure my stepmonster did things to at least two of them. But we arent close and I just can't.

its ok.

you take care of you.

my sister, we have talked about it. He got us both and she's the one he liked so I can't imagine. She's bipolar and very messed up and I felt a lot of guilt for not protecting her when we were little and for leaving as soon as I was 18 the way I did. I abandoned her. I had to face that.

But I pray for her all the time and I trust God with it. I can't fix her. But I can pray. I'll be there if she ever needs to talk. She knows that.

take it one day at a time.

its ok to not talk to your parents for a while. its ok to heal. It's okay to be really messed up. its ok to cry. to mourn. its ok if your brother doesn't get it. Give it time. I think if you need to cut them off for a while thats ok. you gotta deal with you.

My wife was molested by an Aunt as a small child. A batch of therapy in her twenties helped a bunch. My W never confronted the Aunt. She’s able to be in her presence now and just sees her as a sad, broken lady. It’s possible to climb out of the abyss and at least get to neutral. It’s your call. You can reclaim your power. I’ve seen it live and I’m impressed.

Is it weird your mom’s looking to have your kid stay over? For sure just saying no is the right call.

he is encouraging me not to eliminate them from fb bc he says we don’t know what will happen.

You can remain friends on facebook, but change your settings so that 1. they don't pop up on your newsfeed, and/or 2. information that you post is hidden from their newsfeeds.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 9:16 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

I think I would definitely not unfriend on facebook right this second. You can consider it in the future but just take a beat before you throw more gasoline in the fire. Take some time to consider the things you want and don't want.

Maia is right, you do not have to react to decide anything today. We fool ourselves into thinking that way.

Right now, your mom will perceive that the unfriending and never speaking to again surrounds the Thanksgiving thing. I think you are justified in wanting to cut out your dad, but I assume your mom is innocent in all this. I also wonder if you have your own drama with your mom that is toxic and that is why you are feeling this way?

I think you are feeling rejected and abandoned at the moment by the smaller issue, and it's hard to separate our feelings from the past and what is happening currently.

You have made a decision in the past not to confront your dad (he is old being a big factor there if I remember). I do not think you have to confront him to heal. All of my past sexual trauma (and other abuse) that I have worked on in therapy did not include confronting anyone, but making peace within myself. I think if you can swing it, I would work on this in IC and leave any other decisions on the back burner.

I do think now that your brother knows, there is a chance that one or both of your parents may learn of the allegation. Your mom is (again, assuming) clueless about it, so in her eyes this might be some sort of "pay back" of the Thanksgiving/lack of interest in answering you about Christmas thing.

Hang in there for a bit. Get IC if you can. This is not going away and continuing to wreak havoc, so it may at least be time to sift through it in therapy.

And, in terms of whether you have a relationship with them ever, that is up to you. You feel abandoned and misunderstood by your mom right now, that's hurting you a lot on a separate aspect. Unravel that first so that you know you aren't doing a knee jerk reaction to anything.

And, another thing to explore - do you want to confront your dad? Really, you keep saying you don't, but perhaps you are really apprehensive of dealing with the fallout of it, moreso than the confrontation itself. In some ways, I think you worry if you remember correctly and would like some confirmation. He is never going to confirm it, he is going to gaslight you about it. That may be more harmful than good honestly.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:07 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

Thank you Maia. You’re right. Nothing needs figuring out right now. This is just my impatience and anxiety driving fear. meditation and mindfulness practices are and will continue to help. Hopefully theyll become even more routine that I won’t panic but instead practice minding the moment and breathing through it.

I’m sorry that you have similar abuse scars. Do you find that retelling the story makes you feel violated all over again? Does that ever go away?

Lucky, how does your wife deal with residual pain? Does the aftershock ever rear through?

Thanks ibonnie. I may do that. I’ll wait a bit longer.

HIO- you wrote:

Right now, your mom will perceive that the unfriending and never speaking to again surrounds the Thanksgiving thing. I think you are justified in wanting to cut out your dad, but I assume your mom is innocent in all this. I also wonder if you have your own drama with your mom that is toxic and that is why you are feeling this way?

You’re right I’m not going to unfriend her now. I’m going to give it more time. And my mother and I certainly have a toxic relationship as well. I am always filled with stress when she ya involved. I’m under a microscope. She checks for dust. She judges my H’s handy work. She tells me my boys are annoying. The latest she told me I looked like a slut after she had too much to drink. She’s never willing to help, bitches about spending time with me or my kids, gates my in laws and blame them for my changes these past years. There’s a lot involved but it boils down to her own self loathing. Part of me feels relieved in her decision to cut me out. I’m also losing a substantial amount of money if I’m no longer in their will. I honestly could not care less about the money. It’s not worth it to me.

And you hit on the head. I think he would gaslight me too. I also don’t want to confront him. Not any time soon. I’ll do what I must as it happens. And while I’m waiting I’m just gonna keep inhaling courage and exhale fear.

Thanks for the thoughts and insights.

It has gotten a lot easier over the years. I hardly ever trigger anymore. I did get really angry at my stepmonster last year at Christmastime but the Lord led me through understanding why not too long ago. He said I was upset because my mom just had a heart attack, and I was really tired and stressed out. It didn't have anything to do with my abuse. Once I saw that, I could let it go. I'd been having trouble forgiving myself for yelling at him.

We keep the children away from him.

But yes. My mom stayed married to him. Yes I was angry. I don't agree with her decision. But I love her and I've just had to establish boundaries. I live 100 miles away and I don't go home a lot. I got to a place where I believed maybe he had changed, but then he said something revolting to my grown daughter. And I knew he hadn't. He's 86. I don't know if he can. But I pray for him.

He was abused horribly by his father. Understanding that he is acting from wounds helps. It doesn't excuse it. But it helps me understand it. I also believe in demonic activity and suggestion. I'm fairly certain he struggles with it because I know I did. My experience was of thoughts occurring to me that were not mine. Once I learned the thoughts weren't mine, and rejected them instead of agreeing with them, everything got easier.

I don't believe every awful thought or idea I have is me. If I agree with it, nurture it, accept it, keep it as a pet...well then I'll act on the thoughts. I'll act out. But if I reject the thought right away and replace it with something good, something true, then I won't. Replacing it with Scripture is best for me. Thats what works. Out loud. or just commanding them to go.

but all of that is nutty Christian stuff. lol. Thats what I do though. If you don't believe you might try the acceptance and rejecting thing anyhow. I think it might help. You simply refuse any thought that isn't helpful or good or true. Refuse to agree with it. Reject it.

Forgiving my abuser wasn't a one time thing. it is a choice. A daily choice, made over and over. And I ask for grace every day too. :-)

You can practice and try to train yourself to respond differently but I think your heart needs healing. Truth and beauty heal, and so does love. expose yourself to those as much as possible. Be gentle with yourself. <3

Happy holidays to all... hope you’re all feeling strong and ready to take on the end of the year. I was feeling good until this morning my father called. I froze. I didn’t answer. My stomach dropped. He didn’t leave a message but he sent a text saying to call him. Some things have come up he’d like to discuss.

I haven’t replied.

My H said to call him. That infuriated me. I don’t know why. Maybe bc I’m just all types of triggered but also so whiplashy from thxgiving BS.

I told H that if he wanted to know so bad what he had to say that he could call him and find out bc anything H has to say back to my dad would be nicer than what I have in me right now.

And it’s Xmas eve!!!! There was ample time to attempt this after the two olive branches I sent out months ago. Of all days.

It’s taking everything in me not to spew spite.

I am sorry. I have significant FOO issues but luckily not this one. My mom did though and confronted her stepfather for physical abuse but never the perpetrators of CSA. Confronting resulted in her being ostracised from the family for "lies" they all know are true. She knew the same would happen if she ever mentioned the other. She kept us safe as kids by severely limiting our contact with her family. I am glad you did the same for your niece and that your SIL listened to your warning. I hope they continue to protect her, no matter how your dad spins this now. I would brace yourself to be branded a liar though, and to possibly have others decide to defend him. Even people who believed you in the past. That isnt on you. You did the right thing, and all you needed to do, by trying to protect your niece. Let everyone else own their decisions about how they handle the truth.

I respectfully disagree with your husband. Dont call back. Not today, and not ever if you dont want to. You dont owe him a chance to gaslight you about your truth. And you dont owe anyone a confrontation. If you decide one day that YOU need to do it, by all means, go for it. But it is your choice, entirely.

I did confront my ex about his sexual assaults on me. But i did so because i wanted to, for myself, on my own terms, and when i was ready. And i did so knowing there were few to no negative consequences possible and a high likelihood of a positive one, based on work i knew he had done on himself since then. Even then, it was triggery as fuck and really really hard to do. You dont owe that to anyone.

I also wouldnt unfriend on facebook right now, but i have unfollowed most of my family members and highly recommend it. You can also turn off messenger notifications without the person knowing, although they will see you havent read the posts

Thanks for your Input, namepickinghater. I’m sorry you too have such issues.

I think I need to get myself back in counseling over all this. It’s really rattling my anxiety. He texted me yesterday saying, “merry Xmas to you and the boys.’ He’s so transparent. He didn’t wish anything to anyone but me and the boys. He thinks I’m under some crazy in law spell bc I’ve allowed my in laws to move in. I don’t know he’s so mad about it. I don’t think I care bc really I’d never get a straight answer anyhow. I’m just continuing not to respond. I’m nervous they’ll just show up at my house though.