It helps to write these thoughts out sometimes, so here's my state of mind 17 months post-dday, and with the new year coming up. Divorce papers are nearly signed. On my side, there are brief moments of raw emotion, but there is also a sense of seeing things the way they are/were (from the outside). I sense on her side the pain has grown lately. For a while, I sensed that her pain was tapering. But I really can't tell. As I think about the process of moving forward, I want to evolve and also crystallize the lessons. I don’t want to forget the past or her experience. I don’t want to pretend that suddenly I’m a changed person. I’m still me, dealing with my issues, but my eyes are more open, my mind more aware. I don’t think change is instantaneous, but I do hope it can be measured someday. I don’t know if I trust myself (and I’m not referring to infidelity) sometimes. I want to be tested so I can see the incremental growth. But what does that mean? And how?
After we are divorced, routines will continue to normalize, our children will be supported by healthy co-parents, therapy will continue. But what’s next from a personal development standpoint? How do I move forward? How do I not forget the past? How do I make sense of this terrible thing I created? And most importantly, how do I ensure I never become that monster again? Will I become complacent? Maybe the hardest part of the hard work is just the long game. True change will be proven once I’m faced with and have overcome the old barriers/patterns. And, will there ever be closure?
I remind myself: I acted selfishly and hurt the person I was supposed to care for until death do us part. I broke her heart into a million pieces. She suffers because of my actions. The pain I caused cannot be overstated. I committed betrayal, but I will not let that define me anymore, but I will let it change me. For this reason, I don’t want to forget. If I could indelibly memorialize this experience in/on me somehow, sort of wear this reminder around my neck, I would do it. I want to stand in front of the reality mirror and continue to see myself for who I am, what I did.
My biggest fear is that I will lie to myself and not see things for the way they really are over over the long term. I think this is a risk for anyone. So I continue to read these posts, finding little nuggets of wisdom and viewing myself through these similar experiences. I continue to journal and look in the mirror. My other biggest fear is that I will not see inside myself, not live in authenticity to myself (i.e., the self-lie). And my third biggest fear: that I will fail to love myself, the root of all my failings. Maybe having these fears keeps me vigilant... Maybe they aren't fear but rather reminders.
A few themes linger in my mind these days….
-Continue to remind myself of what happened so that the past does not repeat itself, so that I gain strength from facing the worst of myself
-Take ownership, always
-Lean into the consequences
-Salvage what remains, and build on the good stuff
-Accept that there is a new leaf, but never forget
-Remember her (even though the relationship is gone) and her pain
-Practice my new personal vows so that I do not betray myself
-Keep processing: FOO, marital issues
-And…..imagine a brighter future. I’m cautiously optimistic.
After all the pieces have settled, the change plan is set, some progress achieved, you're really only on your own, choosing day-by-day to be the person you want/need to be. Every single day is a choice. I guess, when I think about, what's next is the long, long journey to the future, wherever that may be.
