SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two thoughts...

1) Driver her stuff to her AP's place and drop it off. Change the locks at your place.

2) Just put her stuff outside the door to your place and change the locks.

Asked her about the ring tonight and she came back stating that it was just costume which is BS and that it should not matter. YES IT SHOULD and she came back with a "I don't think I'm married anymore". Told her that was sickening.

She doesn't have a VAR on her, I would be able to see since she is so damn big.

The AP lives in GA 251 miles away.

Hard to stop yourself but you’re better of with a hard180 no contact.

You’re getting nowhere with this except feeding her ego kibbles.

This is good as the divorce should be easier.

Go hard 180!

Get the lawyers started ASAP!

Hopefully the lawyers will get her to agree on a good settlement for you while she is still in LaLa Land.

Stay strong and keep moving straight out of the Hell that she has thrown you into

Working the 180 and trying to get used to and working on the self restraint. I've found myself walking away more. Working on minimizing the ego kibbles along the way.

heartbrokeninNC,

You might ask her why she bothered to come back?

Why does she want to stay in a home with you?

Why can't she just leave, get her own apartment, or just go live with the OM? She seems to really enjoy his company.

How is your daughter coping with this situation? What is her relationship with her mother? Same questions for your other children? Do they know the truth about their mother's betrayal?

SI posters can offer tailored advice if they know more about your situation.

How are you holding up?

Sending strength and support.

Brother, keep it up 👍 she is gone but still living off you.

Not to be mean but when DD is not there: have a few old Navy buddies around, beer, war stories and the odd woman or two may think she shouldn’t be there. Then give her the bill for the food and beer!

Buffer

No contact is hard upfront but it’s what’s best for you at this time.

No one can make her “get it”.

Thank you for all the support PassThis, here is what is going on.

You might ask her why she bothered to come back?

Why can't she just leave, get her own apartment, or just go live with the OM? She seems to really enjoy his company.

She came back because her AP didn't want her to come with him. He still hasn't told his family about her based on the texts and Messenger notes.

Why does she want to stay in a home with you?

Because she is trying to get me to leave so she can use abandonment but not falling for it. Also she doesn't have the money even though she spends like a drunken sailor in the P.I.

How is your daughter coping with this situation?

She is coping as best as she can. When WW got home on Sunday she was out the door to her girlfriends. She does not like being in the same house with her on the other hand when I'm around by myself she seems to stick around. This has been devastating to her and there was an instance of her cutting herself back in November before DDay and we asked her about it and she was worried that we would get a D. After DDay I had asked her if it was because of the A and she said yes. She had known about it since early October but could not get it out.

My DS17 is taking it the best way he can but he is hurting inside and they do know the depth of the betrayal, the both of them. It's not fair to put them in the middle of this.

How are you holding up?

I'm holding up ok here but when it starts to eat at me I go to the gym to work it off or speak with my Navy brothers and family for a shoulder to vent at along with coming to SI. I know its hard but I'm convinced there is something on the other side of this. Maybe I have to go through this to find happiness and respect.

heartbrokeninNC,

She came back because her AP didn't want her to come with him. He still hasn't told his family about her based on the texts and Messenger notes.

So, she has blown up her marriage and family, but lover boy OM is still in "stealth cheating mode?" Classy guy. Also, she is destroying two marriages/families. Why is he hesitating to run away with her? Since now he can have 100% of her, does he not want her? Is she just a booty call for him? Has he gotten what he wanted from her, and doesn't really want any more of her or her baggage? Trouble in paradise? You might ask her, if you care.

she is trying to get me to leave so she can use abandonment, but [I'm]not falling for it. Also she doesn't have the money even though she spends like a drunken sailor in the P.I.

You have already outsmarted her on that angle. Please cut her off from all financial support by you - except for the one-way bus ticket for her to go to her OM. Or, just pay for gas and tolls. (Both of those expenditures would be more than worth the cost.) Cancel all joint credit cards. If you have not done so already, set up a separate bank account for you. Make your deposits to your account which she can't access. Make sure that all marital money spent on her affair/OM is accounted for and reimbursed by her in any financial settlement. Consult with your lawyers about your not being liable for any debt that she incurs during separation.

She (daughter/15) is coping as best as she can... This has been devastating to her and there was an instance of her cutting herself back in November before DDay. My DS17 is taking it the best way he can but he is hurting inside and they do know the depth of the betrayal, the both of them. It's not fair to put them in the middle of this.

You are right. She is egregiously unfair to her children to subject them to her horrible behavior. Can you arrange via any Assistance Plan or health insurance for some counseling for them? Perhaps their schools or your church can provide some support. Think about keeping them close to you, doing fun things together while excluding your WW. She left the family, she does not have the right to be included in your activities with them. She does have parental rights. Discuss with your lawyer how those parental rights can be managed. Insist that your wife keep OM away from them - no introducing him to them as part of a new family unit. Keep up the cold steel 180. She has fired you as husband, do not provide any emotional or financial support at all. She has brought all her shame upon herself. You had nothing to do with it. The same as she had done to you, put her in an arctic zone and you stay as cold as an ice cream cone (Rolling Stones reference). Keep your VAR on you for your protection.

I'm holding up ok here but when it starts to eat at me I go to the gym to work it off or speak with my Navy brothers and family for a shoulder to vent at along with coming to SI.

Please take full advantage of your network of family, Navy brothers, and SI supporters. Feed off their positive energy and their care for you. Many SI posters have commented on how wonderful exercise (particularly weight lifting) is to reduce stress. Keep it up. It is also a great way to stay away from your wife and do something fun and healthy without her. I like the suggestion that you have your Navy brothers come over to spend time with you and keep you occupied. Maybe, have them over for the Super Bowl. You don't have to invite your WW to participate. Let her watch the Hallmark Channel in her bedroom.

I know its hard but I'm convinced there is something on the other side of this. Maybe I have to go through this to find happiness and respect.

You can start with 1) the respect you have for yourself, 2) the respect that comes from your children as you show them how to deal with a shitty situation with dignity, and 3) the respect that SI supporters have for you. You have earned respect by your faithfulness and other actions. Happiness will follow when you are free of infidelity and this bad environment for which WW is 100% responsible. Keep posting here, even if just venting. Let your SI buddies show their support/respect often.

Sending strength and support.

even though she spends like a drunken sailor in the P.I.

Now, THAT is a reference I'm old enough to recognize.

Your children realize that their mom doesn't consider herself married to you any more, right? I know that your daughter and son know the basics, but they should know how their mom feels about maintaining your marriage. That's going to be important. I sure hope you recorded that one. LOL! She should watch what she says around you.

She's going to be increasingly hostile and adversarial going forward. Don't expect any I LOVE YOU bombs after this. Does she acknowledge that the trip last week was the point of no return, and you consider yourself in-home separated? Have you laid down the law about who is going to pay for what going forward? Including Cable and Cell phone access? You don't have to pay for the stuff she uses to keep her affair going.

I know you don't have a lawyer yet, but when you get one, you need to limit further communications between attorneys if possible. And call bullshit on not wanting text communication going forward. She's acted like the textbook definition of deceitful with you, why should you give her any benefit of the doubt from now on?

It still sounds like she's delusional about trying to manage this divorce her way. It's like she doesn't know what you know.

Because she is trying to get me to leave so she can use abandonment but not falling for it.

Have you told her it wasn't you who destroyed the marriage. When she was out fucking the Georgia guy, you were home taking care of the family, cooking and paying bills and being a decent husband. That's not abandonment, and any divorce court will agree. Who does she think will believe any horseshit about you abandoning anything?

Stay strong, buddy. Subic Bay forever

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 11:34 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Since now he can have 100% of her, does he not want her?

He still does but is having issues bringing it up to his family. My guess is that he will catch all kinds of shit for messing with a married woman.

Has he gotten what he wanted from her, and doesn't really want any more of her or her baggage? Trouble in paradise?

They are both quite broken people and are destined for each other. I just want to wash my hands of her and be done. Both are needy personalities.

I've already got a referral for an attorney through work and will be calling him when I leave work.

W is not dealing well with the cold steel 180 and it is reflecting in her texts with her BFF and POSOM. She is scared shitless right now and rightfully so.

but they should know how their mom feels about maintaining your marriage. That's going to be important. I sure hope you recorded that one. LOL! She should watch what she says around you.

I did get this on the VAR and have been carrying it around with me when I'm in contact with her. She does not know I have a VAR (NC is a one party state) going. Also last night she was texting POSOM worried about what I was doing by going in and out of the house. Was just talking to my brother but hey if she thinks that, it's all good in my book. Trying to keep her off balance. I can also see what she is doing in real time now.

Insist that your wife keep OM away from them

In one of the messages to her BFF she said that POSOM would help her move! Not only no but hell fucking no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is she thinking.

It still sounds like she's delusional about trying to manage this divorce her way. It's like she doesn't know what you know.

She knows I have something but does not know the extent of what I have. WW is going all-in now putting it in the open.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 12:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

He still does but is having issues bringing it up to his family. My guess is that he will catch all kinds of shit for messing with a married woman.

I’d be telling his family for him. No warning to your wife.

That is an excellent suggestion, Marz. I mean, what do you owe this guy? Nothing. Don't keep his secrets.

The only fly in the ointment might be the one year separation. Plenty of time for them to get spiteful.

Of course, if it drives her out of the house faster than planned, it might be worth the spite.

HB: is she actually acknowledging the separation yet? She knows it is in effect as of last weekend, right?

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

I’d be telling his family for him. No warning to your wife.

Was thinking about that on the drive home this afternoon along with having WW served at work.

Meeting with attorney on Thursday.

HB: is she actually acknowledging the separation yet? She knows it is in effect as of last weekend, right?

She is acknowledging it in a half assed way. I've gone total arctic zone 180 on her. My goal is not to feed her ego kibbles but to make her squirm.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 5:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Was thinking about that on the drive home this afternoon along with having WW served at work.

If they worked together or the A took place on company property I would. If not, probably not.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have because my WW was the business manager at a private school and the OM was the architect for the new wing on the school.

It would have been cathartic to either meet with the headmaster and tell him or better yet have a deputy serve her at work. Partly for revenge and parlty because she was very holier than thou about the previous BM who was "let go" for also having an A with a vendor. Must be a perk of the job.

Was thinking about that on the drive home this afternoon along with having WW served at work.

I’m assuming the AP is not working at the same company? I would talk to your lawyer if your STBXWW can lose her job.

If there’s no danger for her to lose her job, go for it!

I’m assuming the AP is not working at the same company? I would talk to your lawyer if your STBXWW can lose her job.

AP doesn't work there but there is the possibility that she could lose her job with the information that I have on her based on what she is doing behind closed and locked doors through video chat. I do not want to do that since it might mean that I will not get $$ from her.

I'll ask lawyer if that is a good idea or not. He will probably advise against it.

Heartbroken

My guess is when your attorney tells her that her ass will wind up in jail should she bolt with your kids combined with loverboy getting cold feet after you disclose to his family, you just might get a reversal in her demeanor.

The question you have to decide is what do you then. Do you really want to R with her???

But as suggested, I would get in contact with his family and blow his world up too.

My guess is when your attorney tells her that her ass will wind up in jail should she bolt with your kids

The kids will not go with her, DD15 is already having a hard time with her. DS17 is feeling very betrayed and will hardly talk with her. He already hates the POSOM.

The question you have to decide is what do you then. Do you really want to R with her???

The possibility of an R is so remote that it isn't even a possiblilty. The sun will go supernovae before that time .