SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My FWH was definitely having mental health issues when he cheated. He had lost his job and had to take a much lesser job to maintain our visas as we were living overseas. Myself and the kids were away from him for a couple of months visiting family and he just didn’t cope.

As with other posters, I am absolutely not excusing the infidelity but to a certain extent, I understand how he was tempted. He was at a very low point and he was flattered (by a hooker 🙄🙄

He nearly broke after I found out- he was v depressed at times but had a good IC and is doing well now.

I blame his FOO for a lot of it. His dad made him feel worthless and his mum threw him under the bus to save herself (not literally 😂

He had NO coping skills whatsoever.

He is a much better man now and much as it galls me to say it, that is because of the work that he did to repair himself after the infidelity.

Doesn’t make the betrayal hurt less unfortunately

I’ve thought a lot about all your comments and I’m so grateful to each and everyone of you for taking the time to respond and share your stories.

I can see exactly what you’re all shouting from the rooftops that character flaws lead to cheating.

All of the flaws that are typical for cheaters were evident in my WH. I can see that. BUT they were kept in check by his moral code. Basically the angel on the shoulder won out every day. He was a good man prior to the cheating. He was the kind of man who would cross the road for someone in need. He loved his family and did EVERYTHING he could to make us happy. I know people say ‘no one thought it of my WS’ but it was truly the case with my WH.

The affair happened when there was a perfect set of circumstances for it to thrive. The depression/mental health crisis (he wasn’t diagnosed at the time) began when we had an event in the family which upset him greatly and I believe he blamed himself for. He shut off and wouldn’t talk. He was trying to be strong for me (this was an issue in the marriage) but he spiralled down and that’s when he met the AP. I’ve already mentioned her as the driving force initially and relentless and she was. I read the texts so I do know this to be true. Dare I mention the dynamic between weak men and controlling, manipulative women? Oh hell it seems I do!

In my mind my WHs flaws (and I can see they were there) were amplified by the mental state he was in. They rose to the surface and controlled the narrative. THIS IS ON HIM , I get that, he allowed himself to move far from his moral compass for ego strokes and kibbles. For nuggets that made him feel better about himself.

He did come and go and put me through false reconciliation, he was AWFUL to me but he also desperately wanted to be RIGHT. He couldn’t even entertain the idea that he had hurt his children and I for nothing, so he was battling that as well. She would bombard him with messages too, every time he tried to break away (and he did try, several times, again I read the messages). At some point he looked at the AP and realised, that we’d all been right all along and that’s when guilt, shame and self loathing really kicked in. He left her, and spiralled further down.

Do I think he’s cluster b and disordered in some way? NO. I genuinely don’t. I believe only 10% of the population (or about) are considered cluster b, so it can’t be true for all cheaters who put their spouse through false reconciliation.

My WH throughout his affair did a lot of bad things but he also (thankfully) did some things with us in mind, he never introduced her to our children, friends or his family, never took her on dates, only saw her in the evening between 8 and 6, he never let is down financially, he was ashamed of himself and her but he still couldn’t see the wood for the trees. He almost had this attitude if I’ve done this and I’m going to have to see it through. They argued a lot at the end because he always put time with us before her.

As for WS who leave, and want change, I get what you’re saying TISL. Interestingly, two of the most successful reconciliation stories I know of IRL, are both men who left for the AP, after a depressive episode, both stayed with them and both went back to their wives after 6-12 months and never repeated the behaviour, both remain married. They learnt that change comes from in them.

All I can say is as my WH gets better he looks and talks like himself again. I took a photo the other day of him and one of the children and I cried to see the face of the man who has been missing for over two years. I can see with hindsight how desperately ill he has been.

But I’m going to reiterate that my priority is my children and my emotional safety. I’m going to carry on shoring myself mentally, financially and emotionally and making sure that they come first in any decision I make.

ETA I believe my WH is remorseful (or heading there fast). I am not and will not give him a free pass on all of this, we do remain separated but I think context and individual personalities are extremely important and that nothing is text book when thinking about whether you can reconcile or not. I am actually hugely suspicious of the instantly remorseful WS but that’s another thread.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:40 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

I have posted earlier on this thread. My WS had said he was thinking about killing himself and was depressed at the time of affair. Never sought help ever.

It hit me last night that he slept with the affair partner on the first occasion they saw each other. Previously it had only been some texting years before. They literally hooked up at the first out of town conference in which they saw each other.

Feeling unhappy about himself or not....he did it plainly because he wanted to. Period. In his case I firmly believe the mental health issue is just a justification. But I do realize that this is different for each person and situation. I can only speak for my situation.

He continued the affair for 3 more years....never ever got help and now he is okay again mentally. Without ever receiving professional help. In my case, I just don’t buy it. It was his lack of character, ethics and morals they led to the affair. He just wanted his cake. He had options, to speak to me, ask for MC, seek help himself, leave me...he did none of those things.

Do I think he’s cluster b and disordered in some way? NO. I genuinely don’t. I believe only 10% of the population (or about) are considered cluster b, so it can’t be true for all cheaters who put their spouse through false reconciliation.

I did not mean to state that people who do things like false R are all cluster b - what I meant to say was that they are either higher than normal on those spectrums. My WH for example is not NPD (at least according to several different IC) but he is very high on the narcissism spectrum, and yes, I think I can see a lot of that in how he behaves. Had you asked me prior to the A if that were the case I would have said no, but knowing what I know now, the flags are definitely there.

Dragonfly,

There is a lot you said in that last post that I relate to. I think some of it is the difference between a serial cheater and someone who an affair is more of an aberration.

The flaws I had were not an aberration, those were part of me. And, when I look at the love sick addictive desperate nature that I had (maybe part of this illness you are referring to with your husband) that was a pattern I had in my youth. My marriage is my second long term relationship. In the 30 years of long term relationships it is the only instance that was anywhere close to cheating.

However, the making up stories in my head, fantasy, the always hustling for love that has been a life long endeavor, and it's one that is very difficult to recover from.

I also think that there was a perfect storm situation for me that brought things to a head for me. I wish I dealt with it any other way. Many of us have never had counseling or therapy. We walk around with these past traumas, this inherent brokenness that we don't even realize we have because our lives seem good and functional. I am pretty sure of my friends and family I would be the last person anyone would suspect would ever do such a horrible thing to my husband and family.

Coming back from it has given me gifts of self compassion, humbleness, gratitude, self awareness, healing of past trauma (when I didn't even understand what trauma was), mindfulness, and more. That part is a miracle. However, I don't know that it will ever be a drop in the bucket for what I lost or what my husband lost. It's the worst trade off in history of trade offs. And, my husband has paid the biggest price of all.

You are wise to be protective of yourself and your children. It's always amazing to me when I can see a BS who has taken that journey with their WS and can understand how it all happened. I think of sisson a lot as well when I say that because he has often verbalized things that astounds me the deepness of his understanding of his wife and also many of the rest of us WS who had similar issues or experiences. There is a strength in there with you, him, my husband, and others like you that I may never understand. Earlier I said that FOO helps with change, helps gain self compassion. I think sometimes the whys and the foo also help the BS with compassion, and that's why I don't think you will ever really see a successful reconciliation without taking those time consuming and difficult measures. You can't just go back to the relationship and mend it and so many people take that route and it's not enough.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:38 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

Please read my profile if you want to know all the gory details, but yes my husband was in a mental health crisis when he went so far off the ranch I didn't even recognize him anymore. He had 16 APs (9PA/1EA/and 6 interviews to see if they would be PAs)in 10 months. He spent over $65K in that time. I thought it was depression and maybe a mid life crisis thrown in there. Turns out he is bipolar 2, we got a diagnosis just this week.

When I thought it was depression, it really didn't help me much, or explain what the hell happened to my life. My husband was the most caring person. I knew him for years before we got together, and he was not who he turned into. I knew he was depressed off and on his entire adult life, that is not at all what was going on when he was cheating. I thought maybe he was an SA when I first found out, but that didn't make sense either.

I am one that has to understand, I have to know everything. I made him give me full discloser, including spelling out sex acts, and giving me a calendar with who he saw when on it. When I saw the calendar, I knew it was more than depression. He saw 4 women on one day. That is more women than he dated in his life until he lost his mind. I started looking for answers and so did he. He was horrified, confused and filled with shame. It led us to get him an official evaluation.

What we found out from his psyc was that some meds he was given for fatigue (hello depression) pushed him into hypomania complete with hyper sexuality. He had hypomania before, but it was really mild, he would just suddenly be in good mood, then after a while it would pass and he would fall back into varying degrees of depression. Unless the depression was severe, I didn't realize he was depressed, and neither did he. I finally feel like whorefest makes some sense. This is scary as hell, but it's easier in some ways. I still have trauma, but it's not as bad, my triggers are not as huge, I have stopped thinking about it obsessively, and it's not the first thing that floods me when I wake up. The women he saw were living sex toys to him, he had no empathy for anyone. He was actually broken, more than he had ever been.

He is still responsible for what he did. He still made the choice to do it, he physically went and had sex with sugar babies, put us into debt, ripped my heart out of my body, and put my health at risk. He accepts he made the choices that put us here. I share my pain with him, and neither of us look at it as a "get out of jail free card". What it is to me, is a mitigating factor. He didn't know his thoughts and feelings lie, he thought he was making sense, and that seeing whores was what he needed. Now that he knows he cannot trust his thoughts and is going on meds, I fully expect him to question any major change that he wants to make. Including leaving his job, rewriting our marriage, or spending anything over $100. If he cheats on me again mental illness or no, I am out. He is responsible for anything he does, just like everyone else, being mentally ill does not give him the right to hurt other people. He knows his thoughts lie, he knows to call his doc and talk to me if he starts spiraling one way or another, he knows to ask for help and that he cannot do this on his own.

I have also made it clear that secrets of any kind are a deal breaker for me. He was a "private person" before all this. He avoided anything negative, he was always there for me, but he never really shared when things were hard for him. I will not be in a half assed marriage now, I need all of him, the good and the flawed. My boundaries are not optional.

Weirdly finding out he is truly mentally ill has given me so much more confidence in myself. My husband is wicked smart, and I spent a lot of our 20 years together thinking he knew better than I did about a lot of things. That has shifted, and I trust myself more. I also tell him if he is doing something boneheaded, like putting off something he needs to have done the next day until 11:59pm. I still love him madly (pun not intended), but he has to strive for his best self, and be aware of his issues. Bipolar is not an excuse to be a shitty person. If he doesn't do the work then he is not going to have me in his life, as much at that will kill me.

I will also say that I want him in my life, and it is worth it to me to give him a shot at redemption, now that he understands how his brain works. This is just where I am, and I don't think everyone who's spouse cheats while mentally ill has to make the same choice. My husband has put so much goodwill in the bank with me that I can give him this chance, if he would have been selfish or derogatory to me before whorefest I would not think he was worth the work or the pain.

We have a treatment contract now,if he starts into hypomania I cut him off financially and he works from home. We have redefined our life together. This is a brave new world for us, and I hope it's not a dystopian one!

Dragonfly123,

I believe my husband was depressed and suffering a mental health breakdown when he took up with his AP. It was the perfect storm of bad events in his life that led to his affair. This does not excuse him but it does provide some explanation. To make matters worse, his affair partner was a mental health professional who took full advantage of his mental state. She was not looking for an affair. She was looking for a life partner and he was very easy to influence at the time.

I understand what you mean when you say your husband was gone for a couple of years. I feel that way too. Now, I have to decide if I really want to reconcile with someone whose mental stability can be so unreliable, someone who can lie in a way that I am not capable of.