SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Once again the responses from this forum appear to be pro-divorce.

I'm pretty much pro-R, but ...

One way to word my requirements for R is: I wanted my W to love me, to be in love with me (sexual desire), and to agree to monogamy going forward.

What does your W do to show she loves you? What does she do to show she's committed to your M?

Reading relationship books is something, I might agree, but how has she changed her behavior?

You describe a partner who is not invested in R, and I think it's best to believe the behavior one sees. I also believe it's impossible to R with a WS who isn't totally committed to R.

Based on what you write, how can anyone counsel you to keep hanging in with R?

Just thought I would reach our for some support.

Sounds good. What support are you seeking?

You can start your threads with a request for what you want.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:18 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

I suggest you reread what Sisoon has just written, because in the time i have been here no one would call him pro divorce.

You wife is still invested emotionally in the other man, shows no signs and refuses to not give him Mr Great Guy status, and wants no part of you physically.

Now add that in to you correct assessment that neither of you wants a sexless marriage, and if your best friend was telling you this story would you be really optimistic.???

The one thing she is correct on is that guys chase pussy. What she's forgetting is that women have to say yes and she did.

Not sure how anyone can be convinced she is "all in". But its obviously your call.

And lastly, the name of this site is Surviving Infidelity and there is no guarantee that always means staying married.

Good luck.

Support here -

First - People are trying to help. Saying you are disappointed you didn't hear what you wanted is the most passive aggressive. You will not always hear what you want. Like in business, sometimes you have to fight for what you want. People's advice isn't being overtly obtuse. You just are hearing people state what you would say to a friend in your shoes.

Have you tried role playing?

2 of my friends setup Tinder profiles and swiped on each other. The wife got a little jealous of her husband at first, then got tons of stupid idiots (D pics) chasing her and realized why she loved her husband she cheated on.

They got dolled up and randomly met at a bar, then hooked up in the back of their car. He dropped her off at the bar and she ubered back to their house. They have both cheated on each other, but are the same kind of crazy so they keep ending up together. One of us will tell the other to get divorced and they will turn on you and attack because they are in love. It is crazy. I tried this too. It didn't work out so well because some of our single female friends all thought I was stepping out on my wife. One even said she was game. Yeah, watching myself around her. That was funny.

Also, you need to stop the cuddling. If you 2 aren't naked, then don't feed her affection without sexual desire. She needs to associate those 2 feelings for you. She is using you like a body pillow. That is only slowing her progress. She needs to watch "Magic Mike" by herself and then perhaps see you working out. Then she needs to dissect why she can't trigger those feelings. No self relief for her either.

This is something her IC would be working on, not your MC or your IC. She needs the help, not you. You can't force her to desire you. Only show her space and hope she fills that gap.

Otherwise she can't move forward. That is why the divorce is recommended by everyone. It isn't to get her out of your life. More so you are out of her life. Then she can see when you are gone that you have part of her heart.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 1:17 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

So are you saying that shes not trying because she doesn't desire me sexually?

Once again the responses from this forum appear to be pro-divorce.

Just thought I would reach our for some support. Apologies for wasting your time.

Dude, go read some of the threads in JFO if you haven't already. There are some recent ones where the OP moved towards reconciliation. Just read what the WS did after DDay and compare to what your WS is doing. From what you have shared, the efforts of your WS falls far short in comparison. If her efforts didn't fall short you wouldn't be here again and people wouldn't be advising you to move on.

I do appreciate the responses from everyone.

At 50 it’s possible that peri-menopause could be playing a part in the lack of desire. From hormonal changes to the mental impact of the end of fertility it could lead to a feeling of undesirability that she is projecting on to you?

I'd say detach, stop the chase and shake things up in your life. I'm not saying to actually date but do all the things someone would do to improve themselves and be attractive to other women. Insert all the recommendations made here to BS to gain self confidence and take charge of your life.

Get a life of your own, show her you don't need her to make you happy. Help your child with their homework or whatever, tell her goodnight and then call up some male friends and go out. Not bars or clubs. Bowling, hit golf balls, walk or bike some trail, there is not a right thing, just do something different.

Cr1spy,

You wrote, So are you saying that shes not trying because she doesn't desire me sexually?

Once again the responses from this forum appear to be pro-divorce.

I almost never immediately suggest divorce, however there are things which are mandatory for most betrayed spouses if the marriage is to continue.

Perhaps you won't get them for two to five years, but eventually you will need them.

If you don't get those things other posters are advising you to get then your marriage will be a more painful way to spend the years of your life than a divorce.

You deserve better than this, and you know it.

I've tried to get her to denounce the OM but she still defends him.

This tells me the affair is continuing in her heart, which is where it matters. Is there for both of you there?

The responses...appear to be pro-divorce

I seems that your WW’s actions appear to be pro-divorce, as they certainly aren’t pro-reconciliation. I realize she has been saying words, but words are just words.

What do you honestly think her response would be if you moved to end your marriage?

Sending strength!

It takes 2 for a marriage.

What do you have currently?

Cr1spy:

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Herein lies a portion of why she is struggling with her attraction for you.

She doesn't respect you.

Why?

Because your tolerance of this situation shows you don't respect yourself.

The moment she defended the OM, you should have shown her the door.

Cr1, I’ve got to admit it looks like your WW isn’t doing the required work for R. But I also must agree with Stumblingon:

having a full checkup with her gyn might show dramatically lowered hormone levels that could contribute to her lack of interest. Perimenopause and later, the whole thing, can be damn near unbearable.

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my post. I do really appreciate every opinion.

I do think that there is some connection between the MLC, menopause, affair and current lack of desire. Not making excuses for her behaviour, but trying to understand the driving forces.

We've managed a more engaged sexual contact this week, initiated by my WW no less. Still waiting on STI test results, so no full sex, but an enjoyable experience for us both.

I'm not doing a backflip over this, but compared to our distance since DDAY, a definite move forward.

We used this weeks MC session to discuss how we are blocked. There are still some serious blocking resentments for both of us. This weeks MC homework is to write a letter to each other. Therapist asked us to make it a shit sandwich! Start nice, layout the crap and end nice.

WW has/is displaying regret, but I'm not sure its remorse (yet). However attitudes do seem to be changing. She has promised to try harder on moving forward and it seemed very sincere.

My emotions are all over the place. One minute I can't stand it, looking up alternative accommodation, then feeling OK at home, then furious again. I work from home and being stuck in all day is driving me nuts.

Started going to the gym again just to get some space.

If you chase in these situations they tend to move farther away.