SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here and extremely hurting.

I met my spouse while we were in high school. We began dating once I turned 18,ended up having our first child a year and a half later and have been together since 2011. We have 2 children, we both work delivery services so from October-December we are in peak season, working crazy hours and hardly seeing each other.

In the beginning of December we were struggling a lot with our relationship, he was working late hours and we were in the process of moving which caused lots of fights. On December 6, 2019 he began an affair. He had called me letting me know he was going to hang out with a few coworkers, i didn't think much.The following day he spent a few hours with me and said he was going to his friends house, i didn't think much again because his friends were constantly messaging him to hang out. He didn't come home until 6 AM sunday morning. All i felt was him hugging me and i woke up, he knocked out and i went through his phone to find out where he was. I found their messages,messages of him telling his friend he'd go over after her house, all the details. I woke him up and ended everything, i felt betrayed,broken and hurt. I had so much trust in him, that was completely shattered.

Since it was near Christmas,I asked him to stay and sleep on the couch until the holidays ended for the kids sake.For the following week, he would head to her house after work and then come home around 12-2 AM.He neglected my children and on the 14th I completely kicked him out,grabbed his stuff and packed it all. Saturday was the first day i was completely alone, my children left with my in-laws for the weekend. I used the day to let all my feelings out. At 3 AM i received a call from my spouse asking me to pick him up, he was drunk and needed a ride home. I picked him up at his friend's house, the same friend who covered for him, the same friend that I believed he met her through, we will call him Bob. Well, while driving him back to my in-laws,my spouse broke down telling me he was so sorry that Bob made him realize what a mistake he really made. He pulled out a box of condoms and said, "I was emotional, I asked Bob to take me to her house so I could fuck her. Bob told me that it's not what I wanted, that I want you back but I'm making bad choices. I want to fight for you which means I need to be honest, I didn't meet her through Bob, she's a coworker that just started for the season. I love you and I'm so sorry, I'll cut her off."

I made the mistake of sleeping with him that night, I felt so rejected by him and I missed him that I gave myself to him. The following day I dropped him of at his parent's house and told him he couldn't do that again.

I went to church, spent time with my kids and later his family borrowed my kids to go to cut a Christmas tree. While cutting the tree with his family he called me crying saying that I was missing and he needed me, I said no he made his choice and we had to deal with it. In the evening, my son began to cry for me so I picked up my children. At around midnight, he called me asking me to step outside to speak. I had a coworker tag me on facebook about going on a trip and I accepted, my spouse saw it and was upset asking me if I had already moved on. I told him that based on his decision to not be faithful to me, he had no right to know whether I was moving on or not.

We began talking on the 17th, he asked me for an hour to break off all contact with the other girl. Since she worked with him she would harass helpers if they planned on working with him. He's a UPS driver and was assigned a helper daily. She was the helper assigned to him on Dec 6th and he admitted that being in the car together for 6 hours, they began to flirt and realized they had the same taste in music which led to the affair. They connected in a way we didn't because we are complete opposites.

I agreed as long as he agreed to not sleep with her. Sadly, they continued talking/texting but no longer saw each other. I have contacts at his job, and made sure i knew who was his assigned helper, I tracked his phone and saw where he was at all times.

I did my own investigating and found out all this information on this girl, where she lives, who her family was,etc.

On the 19th was our anniversary and I asked him for a dinner. No date, just wanted to remember what it was to be in love since it would've been 8 years together. We went to the movies, and he confessed to not stopping contact with her. He loved her company, I saw it and I felt it.With so many problems throughout the years, he saw a girl that was so different from what he was used to and he liked it.

We continued trying to fix our relationship, she would call/text he would block or he would tell her to stop. She wouldn't. then.... she did

On January 1st, she called him nonstop. Her number was blocked but his phone shows how many times she called. It was 50. I told him to call her back and to place it on speaker. He did, she found out she was pregnant. She assured him it was his and that she wanted advice on what to do because his opinion mattered. He asked her for an abortion, told her it was a mistake, he'd be willing to pay for it but he didn't want anything attaching him to her anymore. She refused, saying it was her only chance to have a son (she has to children with 2 different guys already, first from high school the day she lost her virginity she ended up pregnant. The guy left for the army and doesn't see his daughter, sends her CS. The second is a guy in and out of jail, she met him, ended up pregnant and he bailed.) She admitted that she WANTED to get pregnant because she FELT like having another kid. Told him to leave his family, that he'd be happier with her, etc. He said no, either an abortion or nothing, she could do it completely alone. For 2 weeks she kept going back and forth, until he told her "You're the mess up of my life and I'm about to lose the love of my life." He told her about our relationship and how blinded he was by us hardly having contact for a month. She broke down and said she didn't want the kid anymore because it was hope of them being together if he would go through the pregnancy with her. He cut her off and she messaged him in February, that coworkers found out and that she wasn't a bad person she just thought she deserved him and that in a better world, he would be with her and help her raise all her kids.

I got so fed up one night I called her drunk, she would constantly be calling at all hours,just to talk to him. I told her that I'd understand if she didn't know about me or my children, but she knew we existed and didn't care. I told her that she claimed to hate homewreckers because it was done to her family, yet here she is telling him she misses him and wishes he'd go over to fulfill her cravings and such. I told her to back off,at the end of the day realize if he's in the kids life, I'll be here too and your child will see me as a second mother. She flipped and told me that she deserves happiness, whether it meant continuously pursuing him and didn't care if it meant him never seeing his children again, as long as she had him.

He OFFICIALLY cut all communication, she kept telling him she was taking him to court already, then that she didn't want anything from him, etc. She's barely 3 1/2 months pregnant and has made life hell.

I love him and want to work it out. for the past month and a half, I've seen him changing, helping me out in ways he never did and loving me like he once did. The problem is, I can't keep him from his kid.I wish I could erase her, make her go away but I can't. He is an amazing dad, and that child deserves to have that just like his other kids do. The problem is I can't see myself loving a kid that isn't mine, let alone have this woman in our lives forever knowing she's always going to try to win him over. I asked him for separation, it might happen I don't know yet. I'm just so distraught, I gave this man my whole life. He always held me losing my virginity before meeting him against me but here walks in this girl with 2 kids,tatoos, that drinks and parties and she was able to lure him away. At no point was he innocent, he made the choices day in and day out to continuously keep her in his life, the choice that instead of coming home to his family, he would go to her first. I have wished with all my heart for her to lose the child,which is soooo bad because I'm not that kind of person. Then hearing from coworkers that she already put herself on light duty at work when she was barely a month pregnant and is being super cautious because she honestly thinks that she still might have a chance scares me. Pregnancy with my spouse was so beautiful,he took care of me, did anything to be able to bond with my children and now that he's having this one I know he wants to do the same but I'm scared that letting him have contact with her will lead to another affair because they'll both be emotional.

She has stopped talking to him for a few days, but once a week she would send the "so what are we going to do" text not getting the hint. The haven't talked since february but I know he sees her at work, sees her belly growing and might eventually talk to her about their baby, which is reasonable but I wanted for him to completely cut her out, have a third party make all contact and never see her, only had a third person arrange visitation pick up or whatever. At the same time, I hate him for not allowing me to get pregnant for years. I asked for a child and we decided against it until we had a home big enough to house all of us. In my heart I feel, he refused to give me a baby and willingly put one in her. without thinking the consequences,I know he loves me, I know he regrets it NOW but he also realized that it's the consequence he needs to face and if it means not being together then he understands.

Leia230,

Firstly, welcome to SI.

Your WH (wayward husband) is not prioritizing you enough. If she is still able to contact him then he has not properly blocked her. Which means, as far as anyone else around here is concerned, he is still involved in an affair.

How do you know his other coworkers know about their affair? Because the OW told you? Because your WH told you?

Listen well...cheaters lie. They lie a lot.

If your husband is really serious about repairing your marriage then he would cut ALL ties with the OW. No more texting, blocked on all social media. He must quit that job and find a new one. Or at least let his HR know what is going on and that he (or OW) needs to be transferred.

She's essentially manipulating him. And frankly, he's allowing it to happen.

File a restraining order on her if she persists. And stop contacting her. Don't get sucked into her craziness.

He has chosen to have 2 wives. Are you okay with being Plan B? I'd guess that's not what you signed up for when you took your vows.

You are doing the Pick Me Dance. It never works. It only enables the wayward spouse and lowers your value while elevating the AP's (affair partner). To him you look weak while the AP, with all of her craziness, is more enticing.

If he continues seeing the child as a "love child" then you will always be playing second fiddle to that woman. Is that what you want?

You need to find some anger and self respect. You deserve so much more.

His coworkers know because my brother in law works there as well and informed me everything. He let me know that the word spread when she confided in someone about what happened and they began calling her a homewrecker and she realized how it really was going to be. She hasn’t contacted him anymore I have all access to our phone bill and blocked her through the company, so he won’t know unless he has tried contacting her and it doesn’t go through. But yes you are right, how do I explain that and what would be the proper procedure to seeing the baby without him needing to have a friendship with her.

Leia, I'm so sorry you're here. Normally I would be a little bit more understanding/supportive but we have some crazy times ahead. I don't know where you live, but where I am schools, court houses and non-essential business have largely been shut down and most people I know are self-isolating due to covid-19.

Having said that, start calling lawyers immediately, get information and file for child support ASAP. She who files first gets the most $ for her kids. I'd bet anything that the homewrecker knows this.

This woman has multiple baby daddies and is already collecting child suppprt so she either already has a relationship with a lawyer or she knows how to file on her own. Either way, the longer you wait to file for child support, the more you risk filing second and collecting less money for your two innocent children.

The OW/AP (other woman/affair partner) sounds like a single whack-a-doo, and in my experience, those are the worst kind because they don't have to worry about placating their BS (betrayed spouse). They have nothing better to do than convince themselves that your WH (wayward husband) is their one true love/chance at happiness and that you're standing in their way somehow. If your WH is the teeniest bit polite or interacts in any way, that's enough for them to continue their deluded fantasy that involves a HEA (happily ever after) with your husband.

Standard advice is that contact in any form allows the affair to continue, but there's so much uncertainty right now, and layoffs from bars and restaurants shutting down, that it might not be economically feasible for your WH to get a job somewhere else. Can he transfer to another company? Another shift or route that moves him further away from her?

Anyways. Here's my advice:

1. Interview/consult with three lawyers, ASAP. Like by the end of this week.

2. Start the process for child support. Idk the rules in your state, in my state you can still be married while doing this.

Once you have those things down, find out your rights when it comes to an OC (other child). There's a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum that deals solely with other child situations, and they will probably be able to give you better advice.

Also, consider going to therapy (with someone that has experience with infidelity and/or PTSD/PISD - post-infidelity stress disorder). Start anti-depressants if you find yourself struggling to function. Stay hydrated and eat healthy! If you have trouble eating, sip on protein shakes throughout the day instead of water. It's not unheard of for a newly betrayed spouse to lose a lot of weight in a short period of time. Right now staying healthy is of the utmost importance with a looming global pandemic.

Keep reading and posting here as much as you need to. And check out "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Lindsey J. MacDonald.

You will be okay. With or without him, you WILL be okay.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 3:25 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]

Thank you!! Yes he’s asked to transfer shifts, the warehouse is over 200 people so he said that they stay out of each other’s ways, he works one side and make sure not to cross her path. She just started and wants to keep the insurance so she said that she will stay away at work.

So even if I don’t divorce I can file so my kids don’t get screwed over? She collects CS from her first BD because he filed for it according to her. He didn’t want anything to do with her but provide. Is it selfish of me to ask for him to not contact her until the kid is born and the DNA test is completed? She wants to find out ASAP the dna test so he can be there during the labor but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him there.

Whether you need to file for D or separation will be up to a lawyer and the laws in your area. You don't have to change anything else but you need the financial security in case he ever runs back to her.

He needs to do more than just step up and be loving to you. He needs IC. He needs to understand why he did this and how to prevent it from happening again. No one would blame you for cutting and running from him at any time because of this. He has a lot to make up for and it's going to take a long time for him to do that if he's even capable of it.

Ok he is not the baby's daddy until paternity is established so there is absolutely no need for him to engage with her at all until that time. That can be after the baby is born but I believe there is a method of doing it during pregnancy, it may be worth looking into. You only have the OW's word your WH is the father.

As for child support I'm in a different country but definitely see a lawyer to investigate your options. They would probably be able to help you with the paternity testing too.

DUPLICATE

[This message edited by Carissima at 5:36 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]

Honey my heart breaks exceedingly, near to tears for you. My husband too created an affair child. Infidelity is nearly impossible to get over especially when you have the results of it in human form. We are in the minority. I made my dumb-ass husband take a paternity test which he hadn’t in 2 yrs, believing a drug-addicted whore. He was his father unfortunately. I hope that this is not the case for you. But you are a much better person than I am. My husband is not seeing his child right now. Not because I told him he can’t but he knows how it upsets me. I am secretly glad. My husband has the responsibility to finish raising our children who will be out of high school in 3-4 years. Then he can establish a relationship with this child without me. An affair child is a deal breaker for me. Yada, yada I know we are to make others lives easier and children are innocent but we all have our crosses to carry in life and that will be that child cross just like I have to bear being a BS.

I'm going to be very blunt. This man is a shitty father. He neglected his children, at Christmas time, to have an affair with a common piece of trash. A good father does not do that.

A good father, loves the mother of his children, if they are married.

A good father does not steal time away from his children, to talk, and message a whore.

A good father does not devastate the mother of his children.

A good father does not expose his wife to deadly STDs.

A good father, does not risk the security, happiness, health and well-being of his children, for a side piece.

This man is not a good father. Far from it actually. Do you have any proof she's actually pregnant? Have you told anybody at work from HR about their affair?

My husbands affair child is being cared for by her aunt so we don’t have any contact with her. If you want to continue this relationship with your husband he needs no contact with her. THERE NEEDS TO BE A THIRD PARTY WHO IS THE GO-BETWEEN FOR ALL PARTIES CONCERNED. He needs NC with her. All through third party and only about child. My husband pays child support under the table. We have separate checking accounts. Thank God. I will never provide a cent to that child.

Thank you everyone!! For all the amazing advice. Yes she sent him messages of her ultra sound, he confirmed with the shop steward when he heard she placed herself on light duty. He has agreed to not talk to her until the child is born and then only then for a paternity test. I refused to budge on letting him be there. He could’ve been there if A) he leaves me or B) I was the one having the child. He doesn’t want to leave 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was getting to my wits end and he realized it meant losing me for good if he pursued. Eventually he can build a bond with that child but not until it’s old enough to understand, until then once paterno is established he can provide from his own money. I know I’m a little selfish but I told him he needs to realize that child will never be on the same level as mine. Not because it’s not mine but because mine were made with love and wanted, that child was created out of lust and deceit.

until then once paterno is established he can provide from his own money.

Talk to a lawyer.

Talk to a lawyer

Please talk to a lawyer.

In most states, the parent that files for child support gets more. In my state, it'a 17% of your income for one child, 25% of your income for two children.

If she files for child support first, deduct 17% of your husband's income for her and the affair baby.

Now deduct 25% of what's left, and that's for your own children.

If you file first, 25% of his income would be for your two kids, and then she would get 17% of only 75% of his income. That makes a huge difference financially for you and your children.

To keep it simple, assume your husband's income is $100. If she files first, she would get $17 dollars and your kids would get $20.75 (25% of $83) in child support.

If you file first, your kids would get $25 and her kid would get only get $12.75 (17% of $75).

Edited to add: If your WH is remorseful and wants to work on his relationship with you, as well as protect the two kids you share, he should be helping you to get this done ASAP. Even if you stay together, he should want to protect his income for your children.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:23 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)]

She does not need him there to witness the birth of this child. She wants to play happy family with him. He needs to stay as far away from her as possible, and only have contact with the child if it is his, and only if he wants to. He has a responsibility for child support but not to have a realtionship.

You need to hire an attorney and file for child support STAT.

HE needs to hire HIS OWN attorney and have him/her send the OW a letter stating that all communication regarding said "child" goes through their office. No exceptions. It's my experience that this tactic often causes a spontaneous disappearance of said "pregnancy." In most states, she cannot file for paternity until the child is born, so this is an important step if he truly does not want anything to do with her.

No reconciliation is possible unless he does this. He needs to put a stake in the ground and choose his wife and family over his side piece. If he doesn't do this, use your OWN attorney and proceed with the divorce.

It's highly important to get attorneys involved. They will know the process and what to expect, and him hiring an attorney will eliminate much, if not all, of her pestering. If she's faking, it will hopefully make her go away for good.

Cat

GET AN ATTORNEY. file for divorce and file for child support and spousal support.

DO THIS. You do not have to go all the way through with the divorce, you can stop it at any time before a decree is issued, but by FILING you put yourself and your kids first in line to receive support from his income.

This is 100% the most important thing for you to focus on right now. Legally protect yourself and your children from this woman and your husband's terrible decision making. Take control.

Leia, I know it seems like you have all the time in the world with how early her pregnancy is but you need to act on this right away. You KNOW she will be at that office filing for child support the second she steps foot out of that hospital bed. She is no stranger to the system and she will likely feel angry and upset that your WH wasn't there for the birth. You're going to need these next few months to prepare for how this is going to go BEFORE that happens because once it does, that's it. If he's the father, she's won. You don't get any do overs. So don't wait around because he might not be the father or you think it might not kick in right away or this or that. Get that information from a lawyer and be sure of what you can expect.

Hey Leia I am just curious what age you think that that child would understand because I’m in the same predicament and I have often wondered. I told my husband that my needs, our kids and grandkids needs would never come before that child’s.

You need to see an attorney. Seriously.

And you need to set down your boundaries about what you're willing to tolerate, the earlier the better.

You WH has left you open to 18 years of child support. That means 18 years of monthly payments, money which might have been spent on YOUR family. Who is going to make up for that? It might be a thousand dollars or more out of your monthly budget. What are YOUR children going to be doing without because of it? Your WH is NOT "an amazing father". Amazing dads don't fuck over the family budget to the tune of about 2 new car payments a month. Your kids will always have less than they would otherwise have had.

It's up to you if you can forgive that, but don't allow the OW's pressure to pull you into a "pick me" dance. You don't HAVE to take this guy back. You can see an attorney, file first, get child support as well as at least temporary spousal support, and move on. Sure, the OW will be there to pick up the pieces, but she'll be trying to get blood from a stone at that point. Instead of YOUR money going to support her and her kid, hers will be coming to you.

If you do decide to stay with your cheating WH, decide how much (if any) contact there will be with the OC. It's completely acceptable to say "none". That's the risk the OW chose when she decided to sleep with an unavailable man. Don't let ANYONE guilt you into thinking otherwise. She made a decision to NOT provide a father to her child. That's on her, not you.

ChamomileTea: Thank you so,so much for saying that it is okay that we as BS have a right to say no contact with the affair child. Everywhere you read on this subject it says that we should put the child first (and maybe that is true ) but as someone who has lived it no one says that that is nearly impossible while you are reeling from the trauma of infidelity. I believe in NC with the affair child until you have healed from the affair. All the literature out there about that has made me feel worse than I already do, making me feel guilty about the child.

Leia: Yes you do need to think about yourself and your kids and it is a hard time to do this because of all the other feelings. That is one thing I have learned from this is to take care of yourself first. I however have not sought an attorney because I am in a different situation. I am staying with my WH until my children are out of high school, he pays the child support out of his own bank account, and I am the breadwinner so I would have enough money without child support to take care of my family. And my WH doesnt help with any of the bills anyway. I am more worried about having to give him money in a divorce. I dont know maybe I should see an attorney. But Leia I think that you should heal from the infidelity and worry about that child later. The way I look at it (yes it is not the child's fault ) is that you and your child are more adversely affected right now by his infidelity now than that child. So seek an attorney and besides establishing paternity forget about the affair child.