SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes. Almost as much as I dont. If that makes sense to anyone else.

Getting divorced was the best thing I could’ve done for myself and my son. It was a huge relief. I am so much happier now than when we were married and even before I found out about all the cheating — I just thought I was happy but in reality I was in a terrible, lopsided marriage. I just didn’t want to see it.

I was far lonelier married than I am living alone now (with my pup, who is a much better companion).

Eehamlet:

I feel extremely lucky that my cheating spouse left me. Had whatever thing she had going on turned sour earlier than it did I would have stupidly taken her back. She filed for divorce and it turned out to be the very best thing she ever did for me even though I didn't know it at the time.

That was 38 years ago and since that time I can honestly say that I've I've known many men and women that regret staying in a marriage too long but not a single person that did get divorced that felt like they rushed into the divorce and that includes several people that remarried the spouse that they divorced.

I could say exactly the same thing. I was a weak, naive fool at the time. I would have rug-swept and "forgiven" and taken her back had she asked. I'm so grateful now that this was not what occurred.

I would have regretted not getting divorced. I just didn't know it at the time.

Unfortunately, I should have pulled the plug immediately after finding out about her cheating. Instead I mistook more lying and deception for R and received one painful blow after another. Those were wasted years I'll never get back. It destroyed my confidence, self esteem, and nearly my soul. Emotionally battered and bruised, I finally woke up and did what I should have done from the very beginning.

Now I can't imagine still being married to that monster.

3+ years out from Dday. Feels a lot longer than that!

I am not divorced, but I don't really feel married either. I am a man with a roommate, who helps me with bills and is a great co-parent. We get along just fine. We don't experience happy moments together, nor are we miserable. All our happy moments are based around our children. I think she thinks our marriage is fine, even great. I think this is exactly how she likes it. The Affair is something that for her, was a horrible mistake in the past, and something to bury and move on from. It is no longer up for discussion.

A friend's wife recently did something nice for him. I realized I will never have that level of support and selfless-love in my relationship. It was a very eye-opening moment. For now, I stay because of the kids and because of finances. I make a lot more money, but also have a lot of business related debt, and I just need to get some ducks in a row before I get completely fucked over in a divorce settlement.

Thanks for all the responses and understanding y'all. Sorry it took so long to respond. Things have gotten a little crazy with everything lately. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Even though our current situations are all different, weve all had to play this game and it sucks. You would think by being close to 2 years post dday I'd have a better grasp of what's what and I hate that I don't. Little things get to me now, little things that shouldn't normally, but feel like an example not the bigger picture, so it pisses me off. Perfect example. I was craving chick fila today so we did the drive through. The guy was handing drinks to H who gave them to me to put in cup holders. I was putting two on holders and grabbing a napkin out of the other to make room when I notice the car is rolling a little and I say "oh, babe?" Just a simple hey you are rolling. I wasn't panicked, not telling, nothing. Just a simple way to draw his attention to it and he goes "well if you would help me with these!" As he's trying to hand me two more drinks. I wasn't looking because I was putting two down and clearing space. So dumb right? But such a great example of it not being his fault. He is the one driving. His foot is on (or off in this case) the brake. But his IMMEDIATE response is to get on to me. God it sounds dumb rereading but it's these little things that get to me. I could go on and on about this kind of stuff. I had an IC but once she told me I need to validate his feelings, reassure him, and but the affair in a box and not talk about it once I forgive him I gave up. And at $120 a pop my credit card that was for "emergencies" that I lived off of for the two months he was out of the house, quickly was maxed out.

Does this guy EVER take responsibility for his actions? He needs to grow up. I am sorry that you are in this situation. He truly needs IC with someone who understands infidelity consistently and for the long term. If he does go that way, you need to interview the counselor. Any whiff of blame coming your way and it is a strong NO.

Actions are the only thing that really determines R readiness. Cheaters are liars. You cannot believe anything they say.

I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier if I had left FWH to his horrible choices. My counselor told me that I would be dealing with trauma and pain with or without him. Honestly, part of me wanted him around so that he had to deal with the consequences of his actions.....no free pass here! He got to work and has been working ever since, so I am mostly glad I stayed. There are times when I think about his continued contact despite seeing me completely destroyed on the daily that makes me really wonder of there is someone out there who could truly love me enough to make me the priority, even when things got tough.....NOT a need for ego kibbles and getting his d*** wet.

Never regretted filing and getting a divorce for a second!!!

My XW's sister implored me to divorce. Said her sister was a narcissist. I thanked the OM and divorced. They were at each other's throats shortly thereafter.

Fenderguy:

I am not divorced, but I don't really feel married either. I am a man with a roommate, who helps me with bills and is a great co-parent. We get along just fine. We don't experience happy moments together, nor are we miserable. All our happy moments are based around our children. I think she thinks our marriage is fine, even great. I think this is exactly how she likes it.

I would be surprised if that were true. Women sense this stuff at a sub rosa level many times deeper than men can even comprehend. I would not be surprised if she herself was getting her own ducks in a row for when the kiddoes are grown. Keep in mind that this is the woman who was able to carry on a sexual affair without you knowing. She is extremely capable of misleading you about her views concerning the marriage.

For now, I stay because of the kids and because of finances. I make a lot more money, but also have a lot of business related debt, and I just need to get some ducks in a row before I get completely fucked over in a divorce settlement.

You ought to spend a thousand or so consulting with a family lawyer about what divorce would look like now, versus 5 year or 10 years hence when business debt is amortized and net revenue more stable. I resist framing the division of marital assets between spouses of unequal earning power as being "fucked over". The legal construct is that you have been able to generate your earning power from the platform of the marriage. This isn't merely a fiction; it is reality. A married person, from the perspective of divorce law, operates in the world as an earner in his capacity as an agent of the marital "corporation" as it were.

In a divorce with a high earning spouse who takes with him a lot of debt, the risk factor and future uncertainty concerning the ability to continue servicing that debt can mitigate the degree of spousal support required. If you wait until that debt is amortized, the courts will view that as an accomplishment of the marital "corporation" and will award spousal support accordingly.

Little things get to me now, little things that shouldn't normally, but feel like an example not the bigger picture, so it pisses me off.

I know exactly what you mean. I am annoyed every day with how stupid my H is. So many stupid little things that shouldn't matter, but everything is now just one more example of his selfishness and lack of empathy. My IC says I need to remove the word, "stupid", from my vocabulary.

But his IMMEDIATE response is to get on to me. God it sounds dumb rereading but it's these little things that get to me. I could go on and on about this kind of stuff.

even though he cheated, that doesn't have to be a cause for D. You could D him because he doesn't appreciate you or because of 'mental cruelty' or 'irreconcilable differences.'

I had an IC but once she told me I need to validate his feelings, reassure him, and but the affair in a box and not talk about it once I forgive him I gave up.

Terrible IC, maybe a co-d BS or WS.

A good IC will help you validate your feelings, figure out what you want to do, and help you do it.

You seem stuck. You describe an M that many of us would not want, and you give indications that you don't want it, either. I urge you to find a GOOD IC who will help you decide what is best for you.

IDK ... it just looks so much like you regret not getting D'ed....